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I don’t feel stabil in Kopf.Today all my friends canceled to..
🕑 Added 2024-10-18 21:30:02 +0000 UTCI don’t feel stabil in Kopf.
Today all my friends canceled to Meeting.
I decided to go on tinder and I just met with a guy.
We almost had sex but he doesn’t want to cause I have body hair.
I’m sitting now at the bus station contemplating my actions.
I say
I don’t think I should be in a relationship with Silas.
I just think I can be monogamous.
I think he is more submissive than dominate.
Or maybe I just don’t know
Him yet. I want multiple boyfriends and I need someone always. When he’s at work, who do I have? NO ONE. I need constant attention.
Ugh I’m not sure.
I feel out of touch with my feelings or my sanity.
This period was crazy. I felt so crazy and emotional.
And today is the first official day quasi wieder ,,normal”.
I feel aggressive and anxious.
I thought, fuck it, no one is giving me attention so I’ll find someone who will.
I noticed how dramatic I am. How hard I reacted.
Does that make me a bad person? Or does that show me I know what I want and will….
I feel strange now with how I think about my lover Sili.
He has been nothing but nice and sweet and he needed time for himself and I didn’t like that.
I’m so selfish. But I’m scared he will leave me first.
So I should leave him first to protect myself.
My ,,rational” thought is that by him relaxing and having time for himself will allow him to he’s and feel good in himself. Selfcare. So important.
I try not to take this so personally.
I’m so selfish.
I am selfish.
I think only about myself.
I am selfish.
That isn’t bad.
It’s me who takes care of me.
It’s me who makes my heart beat.
It’s me who can stop me, stop it all.
I don’t know. I want Silis I do.
I’m scared he doesn’t want me…
Or am I projecting my own insecurities onto an actually stable relationship that I’m not use to having.
I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy.
In reality nothing maters.
I’m just nothing, a speck of dirt in the universe.
Why am I making such a big deal out this?
Because I have emotions jasmin.
I have an hormone in balance. Making me perceive my reality in a devastating und unhappy way.
Digga I don’t know.
I don’t want to fuck up my relationship with Silas.
He is so good to me and treats me with the upmost respect. And I have fun with him.
I’m just scared he’ll come to his senses and break up with me :(
Because I’m not the right girl for him.
I don’t know:
I’m very insecure
