Nothing humbles me like watching The Walking Dead.
There’s..
🕑 Added 2023-01-20 09:03:47 +0000 UTC
Nothing humbles me like watching The Walking Dead.
There’s just enough darkness and reality to remind me to stay at home (essentially) alone and keep people at an arms distance (kinda). I prefer to keep souls and voices around that are willing to submit to me cuz it feels safer and easier to mentally carry that way. Some people have gotten too comfortable and entitled where I felt I was in danger from the pages and pages and pages they’ve written to me and I’d like to be safe and kept at an adoring distance. I guess that’s why I prefer the god/goddess roleplay.
I like learning from the family and human interactions and relationships from the show.
I need to do more.
Watching American tv shows, movies, reading books and all have really shaped who I am. My parents didn’t really talk to me growing up unless it was… to be unkind so I have a lot to learn. I don’t blame them cuz that’s how they were raised… cuz they come from a country where love isn’t really fostered or allowed to thrive. That’s what I tell myself anyways. I know there’s a lot of loving Asian families, but I’d like to blame countries they come from and their heartless leaders if that’s okay with everybody.
The real world is quite scary and it’s time for me to do more as well. I just gotta be able to let enough of the voices trail away so I don’t imagine so many people and body parts flying around my head. Idk if that makes sense. I’ve gotten kinda quiet and ??? From reading a lot of peoples private thoughts and even if half of them are kind, it’s still a lot to process. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve been unkind to when I’ve taken in too many voices that were not good for me. (Not sorry to the ones that deserved it tho.)
Im apologizing to Chad tomorrow. It’s kind of a miracle he’s still here after I’ve tried to connect with other people and he’s also the only one who’s stuck around. …Idk if it’s cuz of the free rent or low rent but I’m gonna pretend he cares about me for now. I haven’t always been fair or calm and that must have been frightening for him as well. I’m 5 feet tall and I scare this 6 foot 6 man who’s trying to live a normal life and get his ish together. I don’t blame him for not being able to get a boner for me. There have been times I’ve been more toxic than venom and it does take a strong and big person to be able to take me in. I’ve had so much going on that I’ve been selectively mute till it’s too late or too much to handle. It’s also not his responsibility to help me and I should reach out more to other people if I could find any. I’ve also been afraid to connect with a lot of my minions.
I put myself in his shoes and idk if I’d be able to adore me as I am now. I’d understand his resentment. I’m not always consistent and I don’t get to function the same as other people. If my roommate was an Instagram model and his job was to be best friend to a bunch of girls and guys I’d probably be kind of upsetti spaghetti 🍝 as well. I’ve been unfair at times from pressure of everything online and I should take time to clean up and organize more at home. I just feel like I can’t even see or think straight from the amount of info I’ve been taking in. As soon as I see someone I’m scared of commenting on any of my social media I disappear. I shouldn’t have raised my voice when I have sometimes. I should write out my needs and things to be done and communicate them to more people than just him, give him time to process it and then see if it’s something within his boundaries.
If you saw our interaction on Mai Hero you can see there’s nothing really to worry about. Im apologizing to him tommorrow. I have always thought I was offering him an incredible opportunity. He thought ive been trying to make him my Bitch. I should summon some more Venus and be a little kinder outside of offering him food and shelter. I’m sure he wants to be human, too.
#cindymoon #blog #diary
