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{if you want to experience what I experienced as I wrote thi..
🕑 Added 2021-12-02 05:10:52 +0000 UTC {if you want to experience what I experienced as I wrote this, as I know some of you love to do, listen to ‘hearing’ by sleeping at last} November 30th, 2021 As I flew back over The Great Lakes, This is my first journal entry post in a while. Since June, actually. I feel… like I’m ready. To share myself more fully again. The last six months have been like being tossed around in an ocean during a storm. It was as terrible as it sounds. A lot of you know. My heart was very much broken. It still is. In a way I’ve never felt. Not because someone was a villain, but because it was my soulmate. My great love. It will take more than 6 months. It will take as long as it takes. But… I am starting to feel like me. I am finding some joy in being alone again. Buying flowers. Taking photographs of leaves as they fall. Breathing in mountain air. Little moments. Here and there. I treasure the return of my love for solitude. This process has been an all-encompassing uncovering. Through it, I’ve learned about myself in a way I had not known I could. I think, as a collective, we are taught to shoo pain away- subdue it. I have found that submerging in it is not only more honest for me, but also the only way I can ensure that I heal properly. The process of healing is beautiful and bittersweet, with a slight emphasis on the ‘and’. I’m flying home tonight. Back across all the states. From a week of my wonderful family, old secret recipes, fresh evergreen hikes, beautiful laughter, the smell of firewood, deep red wine, my favorite childhood deserts, late nights that feel alive, long talks about everything, board games upon board games, a little football, a lot of love, more warmth than I know what to do with, and numerous dinners that feel more like medieval feasts. I had dreaded this week. I hadn’t done it ‘alone’ in years. The fear of the questions I would be asked, the pain of not having the broad shoulder of my person to lean against on the flight, the absence of him holding my hand on the drive to the family house- it made my heart so heavy. I thought I couldn’t do it. Though, now that it’s happened, and I’m settling into my seat, headed home {sweet home}, my thick sweater cozy against my warm skin, I feel a welcome sense of deep calm. For the first time in a long time, I experienced this as just me. It is just me. I am just me. And that is enough for now.
