Deriaz
patreon
What the dog-- kobold doin'?
🕑 Added 2024-12-10 22:17:04 +0000 UTCHi. It's been a bit, huh? I want to explain what's been going on, as well as apologize. This post is simply text, but then the next will be a big dump of art.
Around September, I collapsed pretty hard. Depression welled back up, and I started having lots of trouble with work and in general. My color settings for Corel Painter began to corrupt or... something, and I spent days trying to fix it while trying to work still. Eventually, I couldn't fix it, and I decided to try and make the swap back over to Photoshop, and have been needing to relearn that. Mother-in-law also got sick with some infections, and so needed a lot of extra care and attention, which didn't help things.
In October, Goolashe got incredibly sick. He was rushed to the ER for extreme vertigo and nausea, and was there for about two days. He's mostly okay now, but he still struggles to stay standing for extended periods of time. And because our healthcare system is just absolutely wonderful, he never heard back from an ENT to figure out what was causing things, so he's just kind of existing like this. Meanwhile, I've been trying to help keep him on track with school and work, and it's admittedly been messing with my sleep schedule a bit. I eventually wound up having a massive breakdown around the end of the month, and hit a really dark point. I won't go into details, but I was questioning hard what I'm doing with my life and my work.
November, I started going back to therapy. On one hand, it's been sort of nice being able to get things off my chest and trying to relearn some habits. On the other, I was told that given how I've progressed since I last saw someone... It might be that alongside my depression and anxiety, I have social phobia/anxiety, which is why I find it hard to reach out to people, to stream, to keep in contact, to maintain eye contact, even to just go outside to the grocery store. I've been dealing with a racing heart and feeling on edge constantly since about mid November, and while some days are better than others, I can't help shake the feeling that I'm still just running a con and that I'm deceiving everyone, you all included. I started trying to do studies and things again in Photoshop to... Middling success, and I still feel like I don't really know what I'm doing and that my work is suffering. So work has been... slow.
And now its December. I managed to finally find the energy to not only finish one of the projects I've been stuck on, but come here and post on Patreon without feeling shame and wanting to delete it instead. I'm running on fumes both financially and mentally, but I'm still here. I'm sorry to anyone who has wondered why this place has been so quiet. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but I don't know how to remember everything that's been going on -- the mess our living space has become because neither of us has the energy to clean up, the fear of the political climate and where its headed, the mother-in-law's MS progression, broken sleep schedule and insomnia, self-doubt, insecurity, attempts to stream that I keep flaking on, paranoia and jumpiness, fear of going outside (i know i already mentioned it but god it feels like its getting worse), missing cons and draining bank account to keep up with bills...
I'm trying to keep on my feet one day at a time now. I'm trying to take my therapist's advice on "It doesn't need to be huge, it just needs to be an effort," when it comes to doing things. So not to beat myself up if I don't work eight hours a day, but just trying to do what I can every day with the energy I do have. Which is why I'm here -- I slept maybe 4 hours, and did some thumbnails for a future painting, but I don't want to end on what feels like a low note, so I came here. I'll dump a lot of art here in the next post. I have been trying to stream again on Twitch, mostly on Fridays for some games but sometimes Wednesday for art, over at https://www.twitch.tv/deriazironfist . Otherwise, just... trying. It's about all I have in me at the moment, but I swear I am.
I apologize again its been so long since I updated here. I completely understand if you feel the Patreon is no longer worth tipping to once you are reminded you are here when this post hits your feed. I just... wanted to be clear about some of what's been going on. I'm still half and half on if I should just close this, but admittedly, the funds you all have offered has been some of the only reason I haven't fully felt like a failure and been unable to pay for some bills and food, so... I don't know. I swear I'm trying. I just wish I had more to give, not just in art but as a whole.
Thank you if you read all the way here. I really appreciate it, as well as your continued support. Much love to you all, and I hope the weather has been kind to you all. Stay safe out there, stay healthy, and I will see you again soon, I hope. Peace.
Comments
SpicyPaint
Your talent is real. You're loved.
KApp
<3 Love hearing from you Der, always here for you!
Hauser
I hope it all gets better. If you ned someone to just listen, feel free to contact me. You have done a lot for me, so I'm here if you need it.
Dax
I can't imagine anyone on here begrudges you being silent while going through everything you've brought up. While it's always a pleasant surprise to see the art you've been working on, it's much better to know that whatever support we can provide is helping even a little. I hope you're able to keep trying day by day. After all, just getting through the day can still be a victory worth celebrating <3
Kurrikage
💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
