Steel Trim
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Engineering, Magic, and Kitsune Ch. 39
🕑 Added 2025-07-23 14:50:18 +0000 UTCJohn stumbled into his room and flicked on the light, slamming the door behind him and dropping the heavy barricade across it. Breathing heavily, he collapsed onto his mattress, looking up at the unadorned ceiling.
This was so fucked up. How the hell could he just pretend everything was fine after everything that happened? First, he killed a man, then he failed to help when it mattered, and then Kiku…
Kiku…
He shivered, balling up on top of the bed. The memory of him saying and thinking things he never would was an anchor tied around his neck. How could he not see what was wrong when she wrapped her fingers around his? Such awful, terrifying powers could rob you of everything you were in a moment. Who knows what could have happened if Yuki hadn't been there? He could be a slave, chained to a workshop with a velvet collar, pumping out weapons of war that he would never consider normally.
And he would do it happily.
That was the worst part. A few seconds was all it took, and John didn't know what he could do about that. It punched through his defences like they weren't there. How it worked was beyond him, and if she could shapeshift like Yuki did… He couldn't trust anyone.
Every single person in the street was a potential enemy, someone who could whisk his mind away with a brush and a few words.
He should have fought harder. There had to have been a way out, even if he couldn't see it right now.
Ah, but he was pushing what really mattered aside, wasn't he? He was trying to escape the guilt by only selfishly thinking of himself.
He had killed. Beyond the one who had died by his lightning, too. That could be at least somewhat excused as self-defence, even if he knew he could have done better and that thought tore him up inside.
Could he have been another good person under that grime, like Rin was? She threatened violence upon him when they first met, too, but there was a good heart under that bluster. That wasn't the worst of it, though; the guilt of the accidental execution was buried under the overwhelming weight of a veritable sea of bodies.
Dozens were dead at his hands due to his sheer negligence. What else could it even be called? When he burnt their limbs to injure them and stop them from moving, he thought it a mercy, but he should have thought for a moment about how the Nameless were certainly nearby.
No, he had killed them as certainly as if he had shoved the spiders into them himself. Still, at least, on some twisted level, he hoped that he killed them. The alternative was too awful to contemplate.
The thought of all those men being trapped in their hollowed-out bodies, staring out unceasingly as they were used as tools by things rummaging around where their organs once were was too awful to bear.
John could have saved them from that. It would have taken only a moment to… end their suffering and stop the Nameless from using their bodies. Why couldn't he? He had killed only a moment before. He was already a murderer by then, and was already going to be a murderer of dozens more a few moments after.
He was an impulsive twit! He killed someone easily enough moments before! Why was he so fucking weak that he couldn't even end their suffering?
John balled up all the tighter, tears dripping onto the fabric. Quietly, he sobbed. It was an ugly, choking gasp like a drowning man who was just in sight of shore.
He was tired.
This world hated him. Whenever he improved some aspect of his life, something had to give elsewhere. He should have known Yuki's promise of walking amongst civilization again was too good to be true. There was nothing for him here but false hope.
He got the job of his dreams but was stolen away to another world. He found people to help, and they tried to kill him. Got a place to stay, his mind started to deteriorate from the isolation. Figured out magic, and the Nameless showed up to take exception.
Found a friend, turned out that she was a fraction of an ancient entity who might have her personality change at any moment due to one of her "sisters" dying.
The heat from earlier, where he had burned with anger at the thought of her hiding something so critical, was nowhere to be found, replaced with a headache and a deep-seated feeling of slimy hypocrisy. It wasn't as if he had been perfectly honest, either. Her reasons, assuming he could trust them, were just as valid as his. He could scarcely imagine living every day with the creeping dread that one moment he'd blink and no longer be himself.
No chance to avoid it.
No warning.
No second chance.
John just wanted to sleep without having to worry about tomorrow. Back home, there was no ever-present worry about what horrors he'd find the next day. No concerns whether he would have enough food stored to survive the winter. No terror at the idea of being torn apart in his own home. He had to… get up, get back to work. There were things that needed to be done, yet he couldn't bring himself to uncurl himself.
…He missed home. He missed it every day, even if he couldn't bring himself to think about it. It almost always led to him crumbling like a disgrace.
John rolled over, facing away from the door as he withdrew deeper into his mind. It had been a while since he stopped dreaming of home, and those fleeting glimpses at simpler times were missed. Sadly, even his subconscious knew there was no going back for him, no hope of anything beyond just… continued existence here.
Another fresh sob wracked him, but he could curl up no tighter to try and choke it out, with his knees already up against his chest.
Why did it still feel like a fresh wound, even after so many years? He knew he was weak and needed to harden his heart, but this was low even for him.
Three stiff knocks on the door froze him in place like a fawn staring down a predator.
It took him some time to control himself and ensure his voice wouldn't crack. "Yes?" he asked, voice paper thin.
"Do you mind if I come in? I'd like to talk," Yuki gently requested, but something in her tone sent him spiralling again, mind whirling with nonsensical emotions.
"Don't pity me," he hissed, rolling over to glare at the door, as if Yuki could feel his gaze through it. Only a moment later, he regretted it and fell deeper into the pit of despair he was digging for himself. "I…I'm sorry," he murmured. "I shouldn't be taking this out on you."
Yuki didn't respond immediately, and John thought momentarily that she might have left him to his misery. "What makes you think I'm pitying you?" Although not cutting, the question was pointed, and she patiently waited for a response even as he struggled to formulate one.
It took John longer than he cared to admit to come up with an answer, but it seemed like Yuki was plenty patient. "Why wouldn't you? I'm a mess, Yuki. It's been five years since I've been here, and even though I've been fighting to live, I'm still not comfortable with violence like a cowa—" His voice cracked toward the end, and he stopped to take a breather, so she wouldn't hear his vulnerability. "Earlier… today, I know there was a way to win where nobody had to die. If I just attacked the Unbound first with just the right power, I could have disabled them before the fight even started, and all those men would have scattered without whatever they did to force them to form up. They wouldn't have been—"
John cut himself off as the image of the terrified man begging him for help as he was turned into a hollowed-out puppet flashed through his mind once more, bringing a fresh wave of guilt and nausea.
"Stop thinking like that!" Yuki all but ordered, shocking him out of his trance. The tone she took was harsh, firm, and unbending. After a moment, she sighed deeply, and when she spoke again, it was in a gentle, motherly tone. "I may only bear a fraction of the memories I could, but even with just those, I've seen hundreds of years and more people than most know exist. What you experienced would have broken most several times over! You are not weak or a failure. You've just been dealt a bad hand."
John didn't mention feeling 'weak' anywhere in that conversation. It was always disconcerting how much she knew, and not for the first time, he wondered if she could read his mind… but he knew that he must be obvious, at least on some level. Nonetheless, the thought of her learning more about him than he cared still sent a shiver up his spine, even if it was somewhat expected at this point. Squirming uncomfortably, he responded, "No. There are things that I could do better. Things I have to do better."
"I won't deny you that. There were things you could have done better, but there is always room for improvement. Perhaps you could have driven the men off without violence had you kept a cooler head, but perhaps not. Personally, I think violence was inevitable today, unfortunately." Yuki said. "It's natural to think about what you could have changed, but what you're doing now isn't going to change the past. Please, open the door and talk with me."
Hesitantly, he looked over to the entrance, blinking tears out of his vision. Should he? Could he? Before he could second-guess himself, he stumbled to his feet, rising from his bed, before hobbling over to the door.
It was like an ominous monolith leering down at him. He dabbed his tears away with his shirt, although his eyes were still the ugly, stained red of someone who had been weeping like a mourner. What was he doing? He just had to lock himself down like always, and he'd be functional again tomorrow.
Yet, even he could tell this wasn't sustainable. It never had been, had it?
He took a deep breath, removed the plank blocking the door, and swung it open to whatever fate may hold in store.
__________________
Yuki should have known better. The signs were all there, but she was too distracted with her own pain to see them. It should have been no surprise that this was when John broke down. Why wouldn't it be, after everything that happened today? She should have been ready to stem the bleeding before it reached this point. It was clear John wasn't comfortable with hurting others, and had been clear ever since they went to town for the first time.
On some level, she still didn't quite understand why mortals often had such a harder time with killing than yokai in matters of self-defence, but she couldn't just blame the way they were and leave it at that. No, this was a personal failing; she had been too distracted by the way she ached after expending so much strength in that fight.
She heard John rise from beyond the thick, wooden door, his heart thundering and his breathing shaking as he stumbled over to the door. Curiously, unlike much of his home, the floor didn't creak under his step, making her speculate that he had somehow altered the interior. Soon enough, he lingered on the far side, but she said nothing to convince him to take the last step. This choice had to be his and his alone.
She was relieved when she heard a barricade being moved, and John swung the door open moments later.
Looking at him, she might have thought he was a yūrei at first glance if this was the first time she saw him. His eyes were red and swollen, and his hastily dried tears left streaks down his face. John looked straight through her even as he reluctantly met her gaze and had paled even further. He crossed his arms tightly to still their shaking, but she could still see their subtle twitches as he stood in the doorway.
The room was less a bedroom and more like a vault with some amenities. The walls were much thicker than the rest of the building, and Yuki could see the tell-tale seams where he melted them together. The floor was a few inches higher than outside, layered with heavy planks merged into a solid defensive barrier. The bed was raised off the floor on a frame, with boxes stuffed underneath. To the side, there was a dresser and a bedside table. Some sort of vent was merged into the wall to the side, but even that was heavily locked down and barred with three metal grates.
And that was it.
The magical light hanging from the ceiling cast everyone in harsh, uncaring light like the noon sun. It was a barren, empty space free of any items of personal attachment, despite the ample space, making it feel like an empty void. The closest thing was some sort of small wooden pylon sitting on the side table, but even that, despite being lovingly made, had a slot for a magical focus upon the tip. It was clearly some sort of utility first and foremost, rather than something that brought him joy.
"May I come in?" she asked.
After a moment of hesitation, John turned around, hobbling over to his bed and roughly sat down upon the edge, his eyes glued to her like she might lunge at any moment.
Yuki followed and sat just over an arm's length away from him. "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to, but I'm here," Yuki stated. At that, she moved to raise an arm and offer a hug.
John's eyes widened in fear as his heart started to pound, and he retreated, scooting away before catching himself. "Sorry," he murmured a moment later, looking away.
Anger bloomed in Yuki's chest like a towering inferno, and not for the first time, she contemplated crushing all of Kiku's limbs under boulders, disembowelling her, and leaving her for the scavengers. She kept the angry snarl from reaching her face, though. John would take it the wrong way. "Don't be. What my sister did to you was inexcusable." And inexplicable. It was a betrayal of everything their progenitor was to violate someone's mind like that. Where could someone be free if not there?
No words passed between them, but she kept a gentle eye on John as he started to crack once more. Whatever facade he was wearing for her slowly began to break down as he leaned forward, head in his hands, tears streaming down his face as he was wracked with muffled, choked sobs.
Yet, she couldn't show him comfort like she would like. She couldn't even flex her Presence to bathe him in a blanket of warmth; show him that deep in her soul that she felt for him. Kiku made sure of that. It would undoubtedly be seen as her trying to get inside his head.
That didn't mean that there was nothing she could do, though.
"If someone walked past the door right now, they might have questions. Mostly, 'Why hasn't he fired his interior decorator?' I think," she idly mused, clicking her tongue.
John's latest sob was cut off by him choking, cracking a single reddened eye open to stare at her in disbelief.
Yuki kept a straight face, appearing deadly serious until John let out a weak snort through the tears. It was an ugly sound, but one that warmed her heart.
"Yuki, I… I just killed people. There are families who are never going to see their loved ones again because of me." His voice was strained; perhaps a bit disbelieving at her quip, but that was it. He sighed, looking away from her, back forward to the wall like it was a distant horizon.
"Would you like to hear what I think?" she gently asked, keeping her tails still despite the urge to reach one around his back.
John nodded hesitantly, tensing almost as if he expected her to lash out at him.
"You're hurting, not broken. Tomorrow will come, and with it, a chance for you to get better. Perhaps you'll never get more comfortable with killing, no matter how unavoidable. That's okay. I'm not going to say you have to change who you are. What happened is in the past, but I believe you can make a better tomorrow for yourself and others. Sometimes, we all need to take time to let ourselves be hurt."
She might as well have struck him for how he turned to face her, eyes wide. "How am I not broken?" he whisper-shouted, seemingly scared the world itself would hear him. "Here I am, cowering in my room, while neither you or Rin have this problem! I-I should be doing something—anything! I could use one of my old, weaker gauntlets as a spare right now, but that isn't going to cut it in a serious fight! I should be designing a better version. I could be working more on plans to crash the value of what the Nameless have." He tore his gaze away from her again, staring back into empty space before hissing, "But here I am, being completely useless!"
By the end, he was panting and refused to meet her eye.
Silence stretched on between them, but neither moved. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be; he knew she thought that wasn't true. They sat like that for quite some time, long enough for later afternoon to turn to early evening. Eventually, Yuki noticed John stopped crying, and his heartbeat had slowed to a healthier pace.
"Hey, Yuki?" Sweat beaded on his brow.
She inclined her head toward him, keeping that gentle smile on her muzzle.
He swallowed dryly and forced himself to make eye contact with her. "I haven't been honest," he quietly admitted, the words tumbling out of him like they were escaping without his consent. "Where I come from is… There's no way I can ever go home. It's not even in a direction you can point to, I think. I'm not quite sure how to explain it right now. I apologize for lying to you, but please don't ask too much about it. I don't think I'm ready."
Yuki smiled brightly, happy that at least one of her suspicions was all but confirmed. Now the big question was whether he was from some sealed realm tucked away somewhere, or from something a bit grander? She put her thoughts aside. It wasn’t the appropriate time for those now, but to have John open up… it was a small mercy, given how poorly today had gone.
"Of course," she replied. "Shall I make dinner and retrieve Rin? I think she needs a break."
Terror seized his heart, and the beat's pace picked up once more. "Please don't let her see me like this," he begged.
"I'll leave your dinner by the door, don't worry. Rin will be told you're resting and not to be disturbed," Yuki reassured.
Moments later, his shoulder unhunched. "Good idea, then," he replied. "Thanks, Yuki."
With a nod, Yuki turned to walk away. "It's not an issue. Rest up, John."
Comments
Unwillingmainer
That breakdown was a long time coming, today was just the last of a series of hard blows. He has been in hyper vigilance and survival mode for half a decade and then had to deal with all this after things were looking up for once. It's a very hard thing to kill another person, especially for the untrained. Add in some mind fucking and this breakdown makes sense. It's also telling that he retreats to his room, that he made into a bunker. At least Yuki is really trying to help, even refraining from using abilities that may help in fear of touching that open wound that is a violated psyche. Things are going to be different moving forward, but I think they can move forward.
Trioban
Don't worry take your time
Vlad Cold
Hm, interesting. Those personalities might have existed as parts of original kitsune, just didn't identify themselves as personalities before split. And some personalities might have identified themselves with traumatic memories and try to bury themselves with it. And post-split they filled gaps in memories with self-generated guesses and cannot determine where memory ends and guess begins. Far-fetched, but all that seen to happen in human psyche, so... Series of kitsune existential horrors incoming.
Shooty McFace
On the other hand, she could be a reflection of what the progenitor turned into after that betrayal that was mentioned. I'm not sure how that would change things in a practical sense short term, but it might make all the difference if Yuki is to keep her sense of self in the long run.
K
The bad thing is, if she acts on her impulses Kiku will be part of her. Although, from how she words it, I still think Kiku has older memories from before the original kitsune decided to be a 'heroine'. It would make sense that the original kitsune was all young and mind controlly as a naive young kitsune who thought her nature was all she was at some point before she decided it was wrong to restrict free will and defied her nature due to experiences she had.
Between the Space
Yuki pov! Hurray! Need more of that. I still hope that John can find a relic from his world to give him ease. Like an iPod or music player. Just to ease his suffering a little.
TopBat
Hey there! Sorry that this one is a bit late. It wasn't quite edited in time, and I'd rather give you all a decent reading experience than tossing it out there full of extra awful errors for you to trip over.
