Context
patreon
Useless: Chapter 1
🕑 Added 2025-07-30 01:27:59 +0000 UTCDan Gadsen flipped through his cheap smartphone while he walked home from the Candycade. He was looking for a job that he was good at in his old world, but nothing seemed to be a good match. It had been six months since he woke up in a dumpster in this new world, and things had only gone downhill from there.
At first he thought this new world would be awesome. Dan was fairly good looking with red hair and blue eyes and a fit build. The female to male ratio seemed to be about seven to one, and he was getting chatted up by good looking women within the first few minutes of walking down the street. Unfortunately they smelled the garbage on him and realized he was probably a vagrant. He had no cash in his wallet and the credit cards were immediately rejected. He was unbanked and unhoused and he spent his first night sleeping in the park.
The first few days he literally had to sit on the sidewalk with a sign that said “hungry and tired, any amount helps”. The female homeless would kick him away from the good spots to panhandle. Restaurants and fast food joints quickly threw him out when he did get enough money to buy food. It was humiliating not being able to work.
In the seedier parts of town he was always seeing signs for a place called ‘Candycade’. It offered hot food, laundry, and showers to all male employees. No experience was necessary and the pay seemed to be way above minimum wage with the chance for serious tips. He eventually found the place and realized what it was. Flashing lights and tall pictures of pretty boys covered the walls of the city building. Women of all kinds were walking in and out with ball caps and sunglasses.
The job was simple and it paid well. All he had to do was take a shower and then stick is dick in a hole in a wall and grin and bear what happened over the next hour. Blue pills were in little trays throughout the room he was in, and he found he needed one after thirty minutes of ‘working’. Whoever was on the other side of the wall was very enthusiastic and seemed to appreciate his physical attributes.
After getting regular work at the Candycade, Dan was able to rent a micro-apartment in the slums and feed himself. Candycade took care of his laundry and he finally started to look and feel clean. Once again the girls chatted him up and asked if they could go for coffee. Women of all shapes and sizes approached, but by this time Dan had become cynical about this world. They were like men in his old life but cranked up to eleven. He’d get cat-called going down the street. At restaurants people would grab him at random times.
After a week of working at Candycade he had enough cash to go to a menswear store. All the clothing fit tightly and seemed to accentuate his package. He managed to find the most modest clothing he could and also get a small suitcase. Rather than eating out of vending machines, he had moved up to convenience store food, which was fairly good and healthy.
The weekend passed and soon it was Monday. A familiar faced middle aged woman was there and handed him a coffee when he walked into the basement of the Candycade.
She took a puff from her cigarette. “Can we talk, sugar?”
“What is it, Joan? I’ve been putting in my time just like everyone else.” He stuffed his jacket clothes in a locker and took a towel to get showered.
Joan spanked his ass as he walked in the shower stall. “That’s the problem Danny boy. You’re far too good looking for glory hole work. That’s for over the hill sluts who are down on their luck. You’re prime grade-a angus.” She talked over the sound of the shower that was filling the bathroom with steam. “I can get you steady work Dan. You could buy a house in a year if you play your cards right.”
Dan turned off the water and dried himself with a threadbare towel. “Thanks for the offer Joan, but right now I don’t know if I would have my heart in it. Maybe if you asked me when I first joined I would have been enthusiastic, but my wang has been working overtime. I don’t know if I can muster up the enthusiasm to be good company to women with money.” He pointed to the pictures of the top earners that adorned the dingy basement room. “These guys have charisma. I’m just above average in the looks and dick department.”
“Where do you think they started Dan?” She pointed at him. “They started out at the gloryhole and worked their way up. You should see their apartments. After that - they get some c-suite executive sugar mama to take care of them. He gives her a few kids and the boy’s set for life. Think of it Dan. The best clothes, the best cars! It’s a shame that a piece of ass like you goes to waste in the basement of this establishment. If the women saw who they were fucking, they’d be tearing the wall down with their bare hands.”
“That’s kinda why I’m hesitant.” He shrugged. “Look, I gotta start my shift, let me get my pill.”
A wave of irritation passed over Joan’s face. “You’re smarter than this Dan. Don’t be stupid or you’ll soon regret it.”
“Is that a threat?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you baby, Joan only wants to help you. Why not come up to the first floor tonight and at least have a drink or two with the other hosts. Hey, are you even listening to me?”
Dan already inserted himself into his booth’s hole, getting tugged. “Sorry Joan, you know I’m on the clock. Let me think about it and OW! - get back to you.”
…
Dan walked out of the employee entrance to Candycade and down the alley to hide the fact that he worked there. His plan was to go to the 4 and 20 convenience store and get a ramen and a tall boy beer and watch some kung fu flicks on his new phone at home.
The path to the shop led through one street that had broken lamps, so it was much darker. He was halfway down the abandoned block when four tall women popped out of an alleyway grinning at him. Back in his old world these girls would have been solid sevens or possibly eights. It wasn’t like he wasn’t turned on by women in this world, it was just that the callousness of his treatment made him distrust most women. In his old world he could have gotten a job in an office no problem, he had a college education. Now all he was good for was a quickie.
The women approached. “Hey sugar, wanna come party with us?”
“No lady, I just wanna get a tall boy beer and a cup of hot ramen.” He tried to dodge them.
The tallest woman with shoulder length brown hair and a nose ring grabbed him by the arm. “Sugar, this really wasn’t a request. We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Sheryl here prefers the hard way.” The other rough women laughed.
“If Joan is making you do this, just tell her I’ll come back at ten for drinks, okay?” He yanked his shoulder away from her. “There’s no need to get physical.”
The girls oohed at him. “Looks like we got a bit of spice in this boy. Tell me boy, has anyone popped your cherry?”
“It’s been popped quite a long time ago. You’re not chatting up a virgin.”
“So you’re a regular slut eh? Then why not make this easy on yourself?” She cracked her knuckles. “I still get wet when I fuck a boy with a black eye.”
A wave of ‘fuck it’ washed over Dan. He had enough of this world. He thought it would be a paradise and it just ended up being a cruel joke.
“Punch me.” Dan said.
“What?!” One lady said.
“Go on, do it. You’re all wimps who couldn’t make it with men so now you’re resorting to violence to get what you want. Your kind, makes me sick. Crawl under a rock and die.”
“You cocksucker!” Boss lady wound up and balled her fist. She threw a haymaker and aimed it right at his nose.
Time slowed down for Dan and the relief of telling this woman to shove it felt so good that he knew the pain coming was worth it. When the fist landed on his nose, something curious happened. Instead of smashing his face, the nose landed between the two knuckles of her fist and split them apart. Dan didn’t move an inch, and he didn’t feel any pain from the impact. The boss lady shrieked in pain.
“What the fuck did you do to my hand you asshole!?” Boss lady cradled her broken hand. Blood was dripping quickly from her split knuckles. “Sheryl, slice this whore to ribbons.”
The green haired hench woman came at him with a stiletto knife and slashed him with lightning quick attacks. He could feel the knife cross his skin, but he felt no pain and no cutting happened. When she went for his clothes, they were indeed cut to shreds. Sheryl flipped the knife in her hand and made for a stab. When it hit home the dagger ricocheted off like she had just stabbed a sheet of stainless steel.
“What the actual fuck?” Sheryl shouted. “I think we got a supe on our hands boss!”
“A supe? I’m not a supe.” Dan knew that this world had superheroes, they just didn’t bother with the neighborhood he lived in. Mad scientists, zombies, criminal syndicates, and other threats were all kept in check by a group of superhuman women. He saw a few videos of them flying around and fighting, but never in real life.
The attackers all took a step back.
“Supe eh?” Dan smirked. The knife attack was proof positive he was at least safe to do an experiment on a bunch of thugs. He bolted to the bosslady and grabbed her by the lapel of her leather jacket and hoisted her aloft. It felt like nothing, she was a feather in his hand.
“You should treat people with more respect, lady.”
“Look, I didn’t mean nothing by it boy, I mean sir. Me and the gals have just had blue ovaries for a week and we needed some companionship. Meant nothing by it, honest.”
“Wrong answer.” He flung her into the building to his left. She made a crater in the cinderblock wall and slumped down. “You girls wanna taste this boy? Come and get some!”
They were already sprinting down the street and in different directions. He wanted to chase them down and pummel them, but he checked himself when he saw the boss lady start to convulse.
“Aw shit.” He looked at his phone and wanted to call 119 but he didn’t want to give the cops his phone number.
“Ok, bosslady, if you think I’m a supe, then I should be able to fly right?” He princess carried her to the center of the street and then hopped. He was sure he’d fall back down, but his goofy attempt worked and he found he could fly and control his movement. Looking up to dodge power cables he shot up to the tops of the buildings and searched the skyline for any building that looked like a hospital. He found he could focus his eyes and see pretty far with good vision. He checked his hearing and noticed it was still mundane. “OK, no super hearing, but super vision.”
A few seconds of looking revealed the words “City Hospital” on a big sign and he accelerated to it. He felt like the speed he was going at should have dried out his eyes, but it didn’t. Within a few dozen seconds he was hovering over the roof of the hospital.
“Shit, I need to be anonymous. Ummmm, let’s think.” He tried to think of a mask with his hoodie, but things got worse when bosslady stopped breathing.
“Fuck it.” He shot down to the emergency room and flew through the main entrance to the front desk.
“Miss, this lady was just hit by a truck. She was in a busy street so I had to pick her up. She’s not breathing.”
The nurse on station stood bolt upright. “Aw shit. Vanessa get this chick onto a gurney. Thank you son. My, you’re a strong one to carry her here by yourself. Wait.. what the fuck… did you just fly to my desk? Why are your clothes cut to pieces? Were you in a fight? Are you a superhero or something?”
“No… no!” He laughed and floated down a few inches to put his feed on the floor. “You’re imagining things.” He laid the unresponsive thug on the stretcher that just pulled up.
“I’ll need to get a police officer to get your information, son.” She started to walk to a police officer standing in the hallway. When she turned around to point out Dan, he was already gone.
…
“What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck!” Dan paced around his single room apartment. “I probably killed that fucking woman! Shit. What should I do?” He desperately wanted to search online for superheroes or news about the attack, but he didn’t want to leave a search history on his phone.
“Just act cool, they attacked me, and that girl ordered the other one to murder me. I had every right to defend myself. But they didn’t scratch me at all, they just cut up my clothing. Ah damn, I shouldn’t have thrown her like that. Shit. I’m a fucking superhero and just murdered someone on the first day!”
He looked at his phone for the time, it was getting late. “I’ll shower, get changed and go back to Candycade for drinks. If anyone asks, I got ramen at the convenience store and ate it and came back. Completely normal day.”
Dan dove into the shower trying to scrub off the evening's events.
…
Officer Sarah Igni was drinking her first coffee of the night in the superhero bureau of the Boston PD. A warning popped up on her tablet with a police report and attached video. She put on her reading glasses.
“Individual arrived with a car crash victim… while flying. After a few questions, person of interest left City Hospital at a super speed and could not be captured on CCTV. Huh, so that was what the sonic boom was earlier. Injuries sustained looked like a possible hero yeet. Victim in serious but stable condition.”
She zoomed in on the video to get a better look. Seeing a very scared young man, she sipped her coffee. “Not a bad piece of ass if I say so myself. Wait, boys aren’t supposed to be supes! JODY!!! We got male newb, possibly benign. Come get a load of this!”
