Faye Daniels
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The Breakthrough?
🕑 Added 2025-05-30 23:00:07 +0000 UTCI had a dream, and in it, I saw my 20s through the lens of my autism. For the first time in my life, I felt the full truth:
I was terrified.
I never understood what was happening.
I was constantly trying to keep up, to act normal, to not get swallowed by the fear.
I thought that was just life—but now I know, that was trauma. That was survival. That was me, utterly alone in a world that never saw me.
I was masking so deeply that even I didn’t know how lost I was.
And now I do. And I can’t unsee it.
I don’t want to go back to work. I don’t want to push myself through another system that asks me to betray myself again. I don't want to pretend anymore. I’m not being dramatic—I’m being honest:
I don’t believe I should be functioning independently right now.
That’s how deep this goes.
It feels like I’ve been a child in an adult world, faking my way through everything. And I’m finally realizing how much danger that put me in. How much damage it caused. I don’t need a new career plan. I need shelter. I need safety. I need to fall apart without being forced to rebuild on someone else’s timeline.
This is not a regression, but a revelation.
This isn’t about burnout.
This isn’t about needing accommodations or a new job.
This is about radical truth:
I were never meant to be doing any of what was asked of me.
Not because I'm incapable—but because the expectations placed on me were inhuman for someone living in a body and brain like my own. I was made to carry the unbearable with no one noticing it was too heavy. And now I see it—and its saying:
“No more.”
I'm not talking about adjusting.
I'm talking about exiting.
Stepping fully into the world that reflects my truth—not the one that punished me for it.
I'm saying:
“I cannot manage my life the way others do.”
“I need interdependence, not independence.”
“I cannot exist within capitalism—it is killing me.”
“I shouldn’t have to cook, clean, schedule, earn, navigate, perform.”
“I need care. I need sanctuary. I need to live in alignment with my actual needs.”
This isn’t regression—it’s revelation.
I'm not falling apart—I'm falling into place.
The people around me think too much of what I seem capable of. They see my intelligence, my insight, my creativity—and assume I'm fine. But they don’t see the price. They don’t see that masking those needs has kept me invisible, even in plain sight.
So the next step isn’t finding the right plan. It’s letting go of the idea that I ever needed one in the first place. What I need now is the most gentle, protected, spacious life possible.
Comments
Faye Daniels
Well, I vote for Sweden.
Misteralz
Also, thank you! Feels good knowing you're not completely alone, eh?
Misteralz
I think I'm in the same, or a similar place to you at the moment. The unlearning, the unmasking, and the acceptance (angry though it is) that I'll never be able to do so many things that come so easily to others. I've been lucky in that I'm engineeringly autistic, so was able to hold down a very structured and well-paying job back before the world properly went to shit, so managed to get a house, and get cheap fast cars out of my system. (Lie. They became an addiction. ) For one reason or another, I've not worked for nearly a decade now but need to get back into it. And that's terrifying because everything has changed. Like, I live in a different country now (although being autistic in a different language is maybe not a hindrance), everything is reliant on fucking ai, and though my skills are still needed and relevant, their market rate is maybe 2-3€ per hour more than I'd get stacking shelves and knowing that I could properly switch my brain off both during and after work. Plus everything is louder and brighter now. I'm genuinely stressed about even the thought of having to spend eight hours in somewhere with LED lighting. The worst thing is I don't know what the answer is, except maybe move to Sweden and become a lumberjack.
