malinryden
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It's #WorldMentalHealthDay
🕑 Added 2020-10-10 20:49:02 +0000 UTCReposted from my twitter.
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So it's #WorldMentalHealthDay and I'm smack in the middle of a bad stretch. Not gonna wallow, but I am going to talk about something I've only realized recently: I'm not as alone as I thought.
First, let me preface this with that I'm not talking about being lonely. I've got people that I care about, and they care about me. Not many, but I don't like most people, so that's fair. That's not what this is about
No, this is about the idea in my head that my pain and my thoughts were somehow unique. It's an easy trap to fall into; the rest of the world looks happy and neurotypical, while only I know the mess that's the inside of my head.
I'm a writer, but I never thought I would be read. I was under the illusion that my choice was to either try to appeal and be normal or be ignored and forgotten. I wasn't good at the first, so I went for the second.
I wrote an interactive novel in which I poured a lot of my nastier sides. My insecurities. My anger with the world. Not fitting in. Body issues. Gender issues. Autism issues. Sweet revenge
I still tried to curate it. Hide it beneath a supervillain coat of paint, trying to entice people out for the power trip. That wanted to go bad. I was convinced that's how to get read
I was wrong. So wrong. After publishing Fallen Hero: Rebirth, one single constant has been the number of people reaching out to thank me. Thank me for what?
It varies. That the story helped them get an outlet for their anger. Helped them realize their sexuality or their gender. Helped them find words to describe their perspective. I've had people write to me and pour their hearts out.
And it's been my heart too. My feelings. My pain. It wasn't unique. It wasn't special. It was so common, and it makes me so fucking angry that we all thought we were alone. That nobody else felt this way.
The world lied to us. It said we were wrong. That we needed to change. That nobody would like us as we were. The world lied, and we believed it. I believed it.
Publishing Fallen Hero has changed my world. Not because I get read or liked, but because I finally realized that I'm not alone. That I write for people, not despite them.
Interactive fiction has been a revelation to me. It has enabled me to explore things I would have shied away from. I am grateful to everyone that reached out. That made connections, not just to me, but with each other.
I hope it's made us all feel a little bit less alone and a little more hopeful. Take care of yourself, even if nobody else will.
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Motoko Tsuchimikado
Be safe!
