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~Tired SFW~
🕑 Added 2024-07-18 23:54:04 +0000 UTC
A lot of us are tired, and sometimes you just need to do something to get through it.
Contains: Comfort, Advice, Talks Of Mental Health and Burnout
One of the hardest things for me (especially within the past year or so) is the fear that what I make isn't going to be good enough, because my mental health hasn't been great, which my brain tries to convince me means that what I make now will never be as good as what I made before the burnout and that nothing will ever be that good again, so I get paralyzed, but I just wanted to make something, so I decided to make an audio to talk through my feelings, and also to potentially help at least one person out there who may feel similarly to how I do.
~Audio Transcript Below~
I'm tired......you're probably tired too.....
We're all tired.....through a combination of things--most of which we do not have control over--we have all just become....tired...
Sure, it's deeper than that.....it's more terrifying and soul rending than that.....but it just easier to tell people that you're tired rather than you're falling apart.....that you don't feel like the person that you once were.....that you fear that nothing is going to allow you to go back to where you were.....where you want to be......
A fall from grace it what it feels like.......but then again I've always had a flair for dramatics......
-pause-
If you just work harder, try harder, plan better, then things will work out.....just a little bit more......it always feels like you have to give just a little bit more......
But you can't pour from an empty cup......I've learned that the hard way.......but you can't help but look back at what you used to be able to do, how you used to be......
And now.....when days are blending to weeks to months to years and you feel no more progression than when you first started to try 'fixing' yourself.....you can't help but feel like you've lost.....as if there was a game to win in the first place......
It's ....phenomenal really....that the brain and the body can be so smart and so infuriatingly stupid at the same time......
And that's not self deprecation that's......well.....it's trauma....and burn out and.......well....like I said.....an entire well of other things that would be more tiring to explain. So it's just easier to say, "tired".
A part of your mind constantly screams at you that if you don't do something.....if you don't create something......that you're going to be forgotten.....and you're going to be left behind......and well....you won't be able to pick yourself back up again......
It's frustrating......especially because the body is smarter than the brain usually in these situations......even though the brain is part of the body, wouldn't you know it?
It always amazes me that if you don't stop, if you don't rest......intentionally rest......that the body has this wonderful ability to make the stupid stop.......
It happened to me.......I thought it had happened before but this......this is far different than anything I've felt before.......
I've been working on myself......therapy....medication......but it almost feel like you're getting worse instead of better......and that's the thing.......it feels that way because you're starting from square one.
What I was doing before.....The amount I was working on and creating and doing? It was too much, even if I was having a good time doing it.......enjoyment doesn't negate that what I was doing was unhealthy......and now......I'm relearning how to do it all over again.....except this time I'm trying to make myself and my mental health the priority.....and it might seem obvious....but it wasn't to me for a long time.....that if I don't make myself the priority.....then who will? And if I work myself to the literal bone.....there won't be any of me left to keep going....
-pause-
I've been afraid.....that this isn't going to work out.....that I can't create anymore and that the things I do create aren't any good....aren't up to mine or.....anyone else's standards.....it almost feels like I've lost that spark....
And I hate that for me.....and well.....I didn't mean for this to be about me but.....-s igh-
I don't want anyone else to feel what I feel right now......and I am in the.....incredibly privileged position to do what I do.....but I'm not letting anybody down taking care of myself as much as I can......people still want to see me succeed.......
And.....I want that for you too.....whoever you are out there listening to this.....I want you to succeed......but you won't if you don't let yourself rest.....if you don't try to heal.......and I know---trust me I know--that it's easier said than done.....but it's worth trying.....however small those steps are or however long it takes.....
It's said that burnout can take a very long time to recover from......and the more severe.....the longer it could take......and really the only way that you can navigate it....is to be kind to yourself....to take your time.....especially when it comes to creation.....
No....not everything is going to be perfect......but that's only because perfect doesn't exist......done is better than perfect.....
Artists and entertainers and the like are always our own harshest critics......we see or hear things that no one else would know if we didn't point it out......
We're paralyzed by the fear of being or doing wrong, or it not turning out the way we'd hoped......when in reality......perfection just prevents us from doing anything......
I guess that's why I made this.....because I don't want to lose the things that I love doing simply because I'm afraid.....
There's something that I saw recently that really resonated with me.....
I'm a worrier at heart.......trauma and anxiety abounds in this brain of mine....so I worry about pretty much everything......
But I saw....that those who worry about a bad outcome always suffer.......even if it ends up well.....
It goes like this: If you worry about something bad happening or it not turning out your way and it actually does end up going well....you suffered for nothing.....and if you worry and it does turn out poorly......you've suffered twice......
That's not to say that not worrying at all is the way to go....just.....dwelling on it is.....I have a hard time dwelling on things.....cyclical thinking......but sometimes you just gotta put a stick in the spokes of your overthinking wheel and stop it dead in it's tracks.
I don't want to suffer unnecessarily anymore.....and sure....I might not ever get back to where I was....but it's an unrealistic ideal anyways....because I got there in an unhealthy way.....I wanna do it better......even if it means that I'm not as 'successful'.....
Yeah, I'm scared......but....the time is gonna pass anyways.....so I might as well do it scared.....
This, what you're listening to is by no means perfect......but it's real....and it's done.....and it's out in the world.....and I'm happy to have put it there.....especially if it means that at least one person benefits from it.....however that may be.....
Music: Ethereal Landscapes by Universefield
Via the Free Music Archive (CC BY-SA 4.0)
Comments
Haze Lockhart
Anxiety and Depression feels like a two headed beast at times. I imagine Depression as this melodramatic playwright and Anxiety is the Diva that acts it out. Putting this wo words feels so valudating
Digital darling Arts
I can't begin to say how thankful I am that you posted this. Without laying my heart out this month has been stressful for me. So to hear this has made things a little easier. Thank you.
