Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 58 - Dietary restrictions
🕑 Added 2025-07-21 16:04:50 +0000 UTC“Keep your voice down!” I hissed at the soldier whose parade-ground stance shifted slightly. He swayed, one hand rising to his left temple and exploring his new lump. When he brought his hand down, he looked at the blood on his fingers in stunned silence.
“Madam, that was most uncalled for!” he said, slumping into a chair and cradling his head in both hands. “I already had a headache! I am hardly the sort of chap who’d betray a friend, however recently we became acquainted.” Aw, he thought of me as his friend. How sweet. I guess that took the eating him option off the table? Not that it was a real option anyway. I’d have to resume my bescaled form of perfection, and I’d wreck the pub if I did that. Upgrading this kitchen had been expensive, so I wasn’t about to waste that investment.
“I can’t give you access to the dungeon, Johnson. It’s not exactly easily accessible to low-level people,” I hedged, hoping this would be enough to put him off the idea.
“But you can get there, obviously. Can’t you ferry some of them up? The women and children at least!” he pleaded, looking up with eyes that were slightly unfocused by the pain and possible concussion.
“I’m afraid not, Johnson. But I can use the core market to purchase supplies.” I winced internally, then had an idea. “But they’re expensive. Maybe if you spoke to Angtirm and arranged a loan in the Rompers' name, we could afford enough to matter.”
“Aren’t you incredibly wealthy? All this,” he waved a hand at the shiny new magi-cookers, “wasn’t cheap.”
“It wasn’t cheap,” added Jenny. “And he spent two thousand getting a guild healer for my dad so I could come north. You can’t have much left at all?” she asked me. She’d seen the hoard. Bless your lying little heart, Jenny!
Esme sashayed round the table and sat down in my lap to give me a long, very thorough kiss then ran her fingers back through my hair at this announcement. Maybe there was something to this karma thing after all?
“Ahem.” Johnson was visibly embarrassed by such a public display of affection. I just grinned broadly and snaked an arm around her waist as she wiggled herself into a more comfortable position and laid an arm across my shoulders. I carefully kept my gaze level and didn’t stare down at the canyon of cleavage a few inches below my nose. Thank you, ascot of not-being-a-perv!
“I’ll help out as much as I can, Johnson, but I’ve never fought against humans before. Not properly, anyway. I’ve fought the odd Orlic, and plenty of monsters, but why would I want to kill humans?” Maybe because they’re delicious? Bad dragon!
“You mean people?” I nodded before I thought better of it and then had to drag my eyes back to the horizontal via a massive effort of will as he continued speaking. “There are bad people here, too, Bob. Every town has dark cultists, outlawed magicians, mad tech wizards, crazy mages, and a whole host of other weirdos. Ah, thank you, Jenny.” The baker had made tea and put the cups down in front of the three of us.
“Esme, can you keep an eye on the ovens, please? Nothing’s due to come out anytime soon, I’ll go serve the customers.” The hubbub from the front room had gone from a contented hum to an angry rumble as the front counter was left unstaffed for more than thirty seconds.
“Oh!” Esme leapt to her feet. “Damn! I’ll come too.” She leant down to kiss me once more, and this time I did let my eyes linger on her generous display. She winked at me as my cheeks flushed and hurried out to quell the incipient riot in the front of the bar.
“Does she know? About your not being from around here?” Johnson asked quietly, and I had to think. Had I revealed that to Esme? She was a smart woman, much smarter than Mick the farmer, and that old goat had sussed me out within minutes. I had been a new arrival, at least as far as dealing with humans was concerned, back then. Was I any more subtle now? I had threatened to eat that soldier a bunch of times…
“I don’t think we’ve discussed it, but I expect she’s figured it out. How about I worry about my girlfriend, and you go speak to Angtirm?”
“How much do we need? What’s the price of a bag of flour?” Dammit. I needed to talk to Kat before this conversation went any further.
“It’s a lot more than the prices in town,” I hedged. “See what you can get from the bank, and I’ll let you know what it will buy.” He narrowed his eyes, and I gave him my patented “trust me” look. “The prices fluctuate, so I can’t make any promises.” A nonchalant shrug followed to hopefully sell the lie.
“This isn’t something a mere captain can do without clearance, or at least a bloody good justification for when the upper ranks find out. You won’t have heard of Colonel-The-Lady Heartflash, but she is not someone I want to piss off.”
“I haven’t heard of her, and I don’t care, Johnson. I’ll buy as much as I can afford. But we need access to the bank's funds to make a meaningful difference. Speak to Angtirm, I’m guessing his life is on the line as well. Unless we surrender, the Sausages will sack the town if they win, right?” He nodded.
“They won’t destroy the place. It’s valuable territory,” he muttered, glancing around. “They’ll take a cut, and a fair few people will die in the fighting. Some of the women will have a bad time. Soldiers aren’t famous for being nice to the ladies after they force a breach.” His eyes flicked towards the curtain shielding Jenny and Esme from my view. Dick move, Johnson.
“Nobody steals from me or hurts mine!” I snarled before I could stop myself. My teeth had started to shift into fangs, but I slammed my mouth closed and forced them to turn back into something resembling normal human dentistry. He looked down, and I followed his gaze, seeing the three-inch-long and half-inch-deep grooves I had dug into the already-scarred hardwood of the table as my hands had clenched. I forced myself to relax, splinters fell from my fists, and I took a moment to carefully adjust my ascot.
“Then help me stop it.”
“Why not surrender? Who gives a shit which lord collects the taxes?”
“My lord does. I’m his sworn man. He entrusted me to educate his turd of a son and turn the boy into a man. A job I am spectacularly failing at,” he said bitterly.
“To be fair, I don’t think you had much to work with in that regard,” I growled. “Fine, so you won’t quit, and I doubt the other blokes will just call it a day and head home if I ask nicely.”
“Don’t ask nicely? Someone like you declaring for Baron Pratnip could stabilise the whole situation! Formally join us, and we can end this before it even begins!” he said, his voice full of hope.
“I’m not really a joiner.” I would not bend the knee to anyone, let alone a mere human noble. “So that’s off the table. How about if I just beat them up a bit? You know, knock a few teeth out, break a few arms, that kind of shit?”
“He could help you protect your dungeon if you agreed to serve him.”
“What’s mine is mine. I won’t need anyone’s help soon enough. From what I’ve pieced together, the nobles aren’t as powerful as the Guilds. The Adventurers and the Hunters and the dudes who clean the toilets are more important than the court.” He winced at my words but nodded slowly in reply.
“The Dunikindivers are extraordinarily powerful. No one likes a clogged lavatory,” he admitted reluctantly. “But even they won’t dare go against the Court. Maybe a handful of nobles, sure, but not the whole Court.” I had raised a doubting eyebrow before he corrected himself. “It’s also something that is best not spoken aloud. Definitely not where any nobles might hear you.” I glanced about theatrically, checking the corners of the room.
“Pretty sure we’re safe.” Sardonic and blunt. “So if I slap a few of Foreverknot’s Sausages about a bit, that’s going to be bad for me?”
“It’ll get you noticed,” he admitted reluctantly.
“Shit. What about my cyberbunnies, are they going to cause me problems too?”
“The concept isn’t unknown, and it won’t be quite as obvious that it’s you who runs them. You won’t have enough to make a major difference before they get here, though.”
“Not the humans, but I will before the Orlics arrive. I assume the Fuderation isn’t quite as genteel when it comes to sacking towns?”
“They are not. They’ll kill or enslave everyone.” He shrugged, and I fought down a flood of anger.
“You’ll still be here too,” I growled.
“Not a chance. If there are as many as you say, we’ll all retreat before they can encircle us.”
You won’t fight them?” I snapped. “Why the fuck should I help you now if you won’t stick around when the real problem gets here? The humans are chaff. I’ve fought Orlic champions before, and those guys are tough. Weird, but still tough.”
“Sir!” A young soldier stumbled through the curtain as a rolling pin bounced off his pauldron, and Jenny screeched angrily behind him. “The Charging Chippolatas have arrived! They’re burning the fields and killing the peasants!” he blurted out while trying to fend off a rolling pin with one hand. Johnson blinked and rose to his feet. He slipped his helmet on and looked down at me.
“My cavalry is scattered all over the place, scouting and running messages. The Romper Stompers aren’t a match for Foreverknot Cavalry anyway, even if the numbers were evenly matched. Can you–will you help?” He leaned forward and offered me his right hand. I reached up and clasped it, careful not to squeeze too hard, and pulled myself to my feet. This was my town, at least in my head it was.
“Yeah. Let’s go eat some ponies.” He gave me a funny look.
“If you like horse meat, I’m sure there’ll be enough to sate your appetite by the end of the day.”
“Wouldn’t bet on it!” Jenny called happily as she winked at the confused and lightly battered soldier who had brought the news.
“Karmal, go roust out the Stompers!” Johnson ordered.
“They’re already mounting up, but there’s only thirty of them in the town, and the Chargers are at least two hundred strong, sir.” We were hurrying out through the still crowded bar as he spoke. I paused to give Esme a squeeze and got one back in return. It was a good job that my buttocks don’t bruise easily.
“How strong are they?” I asked as we headed back to the wall that had delayed my entrance into town earlier.
“They’re tough. Good gear too, so they’ll punch above their weight. There’ll be mages mixed in as well,” Johnson panted as he clanked along in his heavy armour.
“Best hurry then!” I sped off ahead of the slower man and blurred through the streets until I could leap onto the palisade. I jumped up and landed amid the same troopers from before. Then I looked down and frowned. I tracked my eyes from the dagger sticking out of my kidney, up along the armoured arm holding it in place, until finally, I met Reg’s terrified stare. He let go of it and backed away slowly with his hands raised.
I pulled the blade out and flipped it in one hand for a moment, then vanished it into my belly pouch.
“I’m keeping that, Reg,” I said pleasantly. “Call it a dickhead tax. Where are these pony shaggers–oh!”
I looked out to see flames rolling up in the distance, smoke rising into the sky. I cracked my knuckles and grinned. The soldiers shied away from the aura of violence that sprang up around me.
Just don’t eat anyone. At least don’t eat anyone where the townsfolk can see, I thought.
