Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 47 - Home sweet home
🕑 Added 2025-07-04 19:43:00 +0000 UTCA foot-long claw of ebony chitin reached delicately between two of my rear fangs and rooted around for a moment before emerging with a scrap of fabric hooked on the end. I was reasonably confident that I had done the world a favour by removing these vermin from its face.
“So run that by me one more time, slowly, please.”
The leader of the bandits was pinned between the fingers of my left foreclaw, spreadeagled on the ground, and that familiar taste-scent of urine once again hung in the air. His friends had been tasty snacks. Eating humans hadn’t bothered me like I’d thought it would. In fact, it felt quite good, a strange satisfaction. It was possibly another example of the system screwing me with this reincarnation. Not only could I eat people, but some part of me rather enjoyed it—tricky bloody system.
“Pinklebottom and Tricksylicks run the caravans out of the Garglewood north of Longbottom. They move from hideout to hideout at night until they get to Friendly Pete’s place in the Mounds. Then the Dwarves take them off our hands. Please, that’s all I know! I swear! Please don’t eat me!” he babbled while frantically clawing at my, well, my claw.
“Any of this make any sense to you at all? Pinklebottom doesn’t sound like a terrifying slave driver to me. Sounds more like–”
“They’re pixies! Vicious bastards. Nobody crosses Pinklebottom and lives to see the dawn!” I pressed a little harder, and the air left his lungs, silencing him.
“Jen, is he blowing smoke up my arse?”
“Hmm?” She looked up with a pale face after flipping her flat breads. Watching me dine had not been a pleasant experience for her. “I don’t know? The Hunters Guild has a bounty on pixie feet, though. Never heard of the Garglewood, but I knew people from Longbottom who passed through Baginton on their way to the city.” She carefully turned her back on me and focused on her pan.
“So what do these pixies look like?” I asked, lifting the weight of my foot as Jaklo’s face was turning an interesting shade of purple.
“About a foot tall!” he gasped. “Purple or pink skin! Kinda chubby! Pointy ears!” I reapplied my weight, and the air whumped out of his lungs.
“He’s messing with me.” I plinked his forehead with a free claw. “How can one-foot-tall carebears be some kind of terror to humans?”
“I’ve never seen one.” Jenny shrugged her shoulders without turning back to me. “Will you do… whatever you’re going to do, please? It’s freaking me out listening to you play with your… food.”
“One last question.” I raised my claw slightly again. “Where are these hideouts?”
“The pixies know!”
“You’ve never been in one?” I leaned down and gave him a saurian smile.
“Only twice!” he squeaked.
“And where were they?”
“A night's travel northeast of Garglewood! There are two close by in case of congestion!”
I raised a draconic eyebrow to invite him to continue.
“Sometimes we get a lot of slaves! We only move a dozen or so at a time. There are teams that move them from one hideout to the next. None of us knows the whole route except the pixies! If it’s more than twelve units, er, people, or so, we need the extra space.”
“Thanks. You’ve been very helpful, Jaklo. I trust you’re getting a downgrade, so sorry about that.”
Human (Binder) level 18 slain.
Gold coins earned!
One hundred and ninety gold added to the Hoard.
Biomass stored:
306.5 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 120 KG
That was a tidy bit of work: nearly eight hundred gold, and enough biomass for two more evolutions. The nagging hunger that had been starting to make me crotchety in Ankmapak was a thing of the past. I belched happily.
“How much is the bounty on these pixies?” I shrank back down and hurriedly donned a new pair of trousers.
“I don’t know, Bob. I bake. You aren’t going to go after them? I’m not coming with you! That’s a massive breach of contract!” Jenny said quickly as she handed me a crispy piece of freshly baked bread.
I took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. I waved it at the footprint I’d left in the dirt where Jaklo had been interrogated.
“Nah. Don’t sweat that. I’ll take you to the Cod, get you settled, then I’ll pop home for a bit. See how Kat’s doing.”
“I’m happy to skip a dungeon tour! And you said Kat was a pixie? Bad business, Bob.” He loaded a bowl of stew and dipped her slice into it.
“She’s not a funky colour. Just a tiny, bikini-clad rage monster.”
“Sounds lovely. You’re not very good at selling things, are you?” She gave a dry chuckle, which was good to hear. I had been worried that the sight of me playing Batdragon had permanently demolished her usually bubbly personality.
“Not really my strong suit. I used to sell electrical goods back on Earth. What did you do?” She eyed me askance.
“Electrical goods?”
“TVs and stuff. Washing machines. That kind of shit,” I said with a shrug. I filled a bowl with stew for myself.
“Aren’t you full? And where did the bodies go? You just ate four fully grown men, but now you’re smaller than a couple of them were.”
The spoon rose and fell as I stuffed the bland but satisfying food into my mouth.
“That is a good question. You gonna eat that other slice?” I pointed at the rest of one of her flat loaves, and she shook her head, so I grabbed it and used it to mop up the gravy. “I don’t know how any of this shit works.” I cursed myself for sounding almost forlorn. I was a dragon, dammit!
“Why do you really want me baking at the Cod?” she asked, and I blinked at the non-sequitur.
“The truth? The local bank manager stole an idea from me, and I want to put him out of business.”
“So, you spent a fortune getting a healer for Da, had to reveal what you are-” she waved her spoon up and down in my direction, “-and you’re dragging my ass across half the Empire, just because someone nicked an idea from you? What was the idea?”
“When you put it like that…”
“Why not just you know–om nom nom him?”
“Bad karma.” I shrugged.
“You just ate four dudes, Bob. Clothes and all!”
“They were bad people. I’m pretty sure the system will let me off that. I’m also going to deal with the rest of their mates sometime soon.”
“Have you ever met a bank manager who was a good person?” She arched an eyebrow at me. Huh, that was a fair point. Could I just eat Angtirm? “What was the idea?”
“I wanted to open a restaurant. And introduce stocks to the locals. Help make them wealthier, happier. Do a good deed,” I finished defensively as she had started grinning while I spoke.
“Hah. Does changing form scramble your brains?” she asked, and I sighed.
“Not that I’m aware of Jenny.”
“How big is your hoard?”
“What hoard?”
“Don’t bullshit me, you overgrown gecko.”
“I made some… lucrative deals in the city. It’s about to get a lot bigger,” I offered smugly.
“So, just buy the town? Or at least just set up your restaurant with your own funds.” She mopped the last of the stew up with her bread and smacked her lips as she finished.
“It was to give them the tools to help themselves. I didn’t know Angtirm was a weasel. Give a man a fish, etc. I’ve gone into a partnership with the Cod’s owners. I think you’ll like them.” I thought of Benton and his long-range spittoon targeting. “Well, one of them anyway.”
We talked quietly as the sun began to rise, then Jenny got out her sleeping mat and settled down to snooze until the afternoon. I kept watch. I wasn’t taking chances on any more wandering brigands. No more of them came to offer themselves up as snacks, unfortunately.
When Jenny got up, she cooked again, and we spent a pleasant evening planning what kind of pastries and breads she’d be able to come up with the Cod.
“And what’s sakotis again?” I asked in bewilderment. Her knowledge of baked goods was truly encyclopedic.
“You need to bake it on a spit. Do they have spits?”
“I think so? I’ve got them a new oven. At the moment, they cook over a hearth.”
“Ye gods! What kind of backwater are you taking me to?”
“It’s rural. I like it.”
“Do they have inside plumbing?”
“Taps and stuff? Yeah.”
“And the little girl's rooms?” I looked her up and down. Little was not an adjective I’d apply to Jenny.
“I think so. The Cod has a lavatory, and so does Restaurant One. Does it matter? I’m sure we can get one set up.”
“Not without the Dunnikindivers Guild you won’t. They find out you’re doing your own plumbing, they’ll introduce you to a cesspool head first!” I smiled a toothy smile. “Well, maybe not you.”
“One of Tex’s mates in the spanking club was one of those dudes. A dunny diver. I’ll call him on the orb and see if we can get a guild rep sent out.”
Tex was not optimistic but promised he’d see what he could do. It was pretty low on my ‘important shit’ list anyway.
As the sun began to set, we packed everything up, and I once again transformed into a beast of burden. As Jenny settled on my neck, she leaned forward and patted me.
“Thanks, Bob.”
“What for?”
“Just… Thanks, OK?”
“Sure thing. Please fasten your seatbelts and store your tray in the upright position. Keep your arms and legs on the dragon at all times. In the event of an emergency landing… well, you’re fucked if that happens. If you fall off, I’ll try to catch you before the ground does, but no promises. Allyoop!”
I leaped skyward, and my wings threw up clouds of dust with the downdraft. I flapped for height, spiraling from thermal to thermal. I’ve no idea how I could sense them, but I could sort of feel where they should be, and most of the time, I was right. I turned north towards the spire of rock I could just see on the horizon as the sun faded away.
Home. Treasure. Thieving minions. Tasty minions. A Pixie with anger management issues and a pretty barmaid with a fantastic pair of… eyes. And a banker that I might or might not be an ethically sourced foodstuff.
A few hours later, the moon had set, and I was flying low so I could follow the road in the gloom. I knew this place now, the landscape, even in the dark, was familiar. It tasted right when my tongue flicked out.
Mount Bob looked truly wonderful in the starlight. Austere and imposing it rose up into the sky to serve as a beacon.
“I’m gonna go straight to the lair. You can meet Kat and the rest of the gang.”
“I thought we agreed to just drop me off in town?” she called over the wind.
“It’s a bit late. One night won’t hurt. You can see my home. Oh, if Gledna offers to heal you or cook you any food, decline. Politely.”
I caught an updraft and climbed towards my lair. The hint of shiny gold served as a landing beacon, and I slipped perfectly through the south-facing entrance, Jenny shrieking as we slid to a stop.
“God, that was horrible! I thought we were just going to splat on the wall!”
“I will not take offense at the implication that– Jesus!”
I moved into Shish-Ke-Tail without thought, and the tip of my fifth appendage flicked forward to impale a shape, lunging at Jenny from the shadows. She screamed and fell off my back, away from the threat.
Speared on the end of my tail, a uni-bunny squirmed and gasped its final breath.
Uni-Bunny level 22 slain.
Gold coins earned!
Two hundred and forty-one gold added to the Hoard.
There was a pleasant tinkling sound as the gold appeared on a hoard I now noticed was far smaller than it should have been.
“KAT! What the fuck is going on?” I bellowed.
