Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 46 - Batbob
🕑 Added 2025-07-03 19:49:14 +0000 UTC“Yeeeaaahhhh!” I couldn’t see her, but I assumed Jenny was waving a fist in the air. Soon, I could drop her off, introduce her to Esme and Benton, go find something to eat and get some biomass, then have a nice long snooze on my soon-to-be massive pile of shinies. The thought kept me content as Jenny treated me like a seaside donkey with wings.
“Where’s that?” she asked.
“I can’t see where you’re pointing. If you’re asking about the badly lit town to our right: I have no fucking clue. I’m not a tour guide! You’ve been on Helstat way longer than me. Haven’t you travelled at all?” I called back over my shoulder. The moon was out, and we had a tailwind. It felt like the universe was pushing me home.
“Yeah, that was the one! I’ve never left Baginton, why would I?”
“Because it’s a whole new world?”
“Ooh! I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering–”
“I am not a magic carpet either, and your mustache is more Jafar than Jasmine. You’re a talented baker, clearly not a singer,” I complained.
“Rude! Me being a baker is half my point. Do you know how long the life expectancy of a wandering baker is on Helstat? About minus five years.”
“One of the guilds keeps the roads safe, that’s what Tex said. He doesn’t seem to have any trouble.”
“He’s a merchant. He’s got skills and stuff, and the highwaymen know damn well to leave the peddlers alone. Me? I’d be disappeared in no time flat.”
Maybe there was an angle I could work here. Eating highwaymen would surely be spiritually rewarding. Bob, the Batman of the Empire's byways. A winged crusader, the hero they deserve, not the one they wanted, due to his appetite. I liked the sound of it, but as far as I could recall, Batman never actually ate any of the bad guys. A pickle to be sure, but one I was confident I could work around.
“It’s dangerous for a pretty woman like me,” she continued. “Well, it depends on what class they have as well.”
“Are classes that important?” I banked to the left so we didn’t pass directly over a town. With the moon looming large in the sky, I didn’t want to be silhouetted against it should any night owl below happen to be glancing up at the wrong moment.
“Yup. Make or break. Getting stuck with Baker wasn’t so bad; most of the crafter and servant classes are actually pretty solid as long as you stay in a big town. What’s your class?”
“Don’t have one.”
“What? How do you level?”
“I eat things, Jenny. Om nom nom. I get gold for kills, but that’s a pittance, and it goes straight on the hoard. Then I get biomass I can use to evolve.”
“Oh. Wow, that’s weird. So you don’t have skills? I’ve got level nine kneading, level four rolling, level three panache. That one’s really hard to improve. I have to do something funky with a bake, and it has to be popular.”
“No, Jenny. I just eat things and get to play a bloody gacha game on what kind of evolution I get. I am not a fan of the system.” I felt her legs tighten against my shoulders, and we dropped slightly as it interfered with my glide. “Careful!” I snapped, and she relaxed a little.
“Don’t say stuff like that, Bob.”
“Why not? It sucks. The system can eat a bag of di–” she smacked me on the neck in a way that reminded me fondly of Kat.
“Shh! It’s always listening!” she hissed fiercely, her voice carrying over the roaring wind as I began to circle down to land. “He didn’t mean it! We love you!”
“No, it isn’t,” I declared, but I suddenly wasn’t so sure. Had I badmouthed the system before or after it started being a total arsehole to me?
“I’m not talking about this anymore. What have you got for dinner? I hate being up all night,” Jenny complained.
“How about some uni-bunny stew? I’ve got a couple left in the pouch.” I’d horrified Jenny a couple of days ago by scoffing down a couple of Gamblepric bodies, hooves and all, to restore my badly diminished Biomass levels.
“Sounds good, I’ll do some flatbreads to dip.”
Her flatbreads were delicious, so I had no complaints about her plan. We landed, then she hopped off my neck and arched her back to stretch out the kinks from clinging onto my neck for so long. I turned my back on her and became merely human once again, hurriedly pulling on my tunic, trousers, and boots.
“All presentable again!” She beamed at me. “Be a love and get a fire going?”
I happened to have a stash of kiln-dried firewood I had bought while Tex was dragging me around on a tour of his favourite purveyors of smut, so I pulled out some logs, stacked them neatly, added some kindling around the edges, and did the most genteel burp of fire I could manage. The smaller logs and the sticks caught immediately, dragon-fire was good like that, and in moments, we had a merry little campfire on the go.
“So, where have you been? You can fly, you must have been everywhere!” she asked as she began working flour and water together in a small bowl she’d pulled from her knapsack. I got a pot out and put it in front of me as I sat down cross-legged.
“Baginton, as you know. Into the Fuderation a bit, the Mill, and Ankmapak. I’ve flown over a fair few places but not really stopped anywhere else.” I pulled a horned bunny out of my storage and shaped one finger into a razor-sharp claw to begin skinning and cleaning it. I tossed the gizzards on the fire where they spat and fizzed.
“Why not? Outside the city or a warzone, there’s not much that can fight you.”
“I had a run in with a big-daddy version of one of these-” I waved the now skinned bunny at her, “-and it was pretty tough. Some kind of world boss. There are also other dragons, and weird shit I don’t even know how to describe.” My mind flicked back to Philpott and his terrifying, multi-faceted eyes. I sliced the meat off carefully with my finger-claw and tossed the strips into the pot.
“What about other dragons? Have you met any?” Jenny was just a barrel of questions today.
“Nope. I’ve heard about a few, and they've some kind of club, like the Brotherhood that Tex got me to join. I assume there’s less spanking involved, though.”
“Ooh, how do you join?”
“The spanking club? Just ask, if that’s your jam. Bulb gave me a token, but Tex can probably get you in if you want. As to the TOTS, I have no idea. You’ve become quite a chatty Cathy, all of a sudden. What’s up?”
“Doesn’t it bother you?” She produced a flat pan from her knapsack-of-holding and laid on the fire, spreading the flattened dough out on it in two splats and poking at them with a spatula. “We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
“Why would it? I like it better than being in the city. I can be myself out here.”
“Not too much yourself, I hope! You have very big teeth.”
“All the better to–”
“That smells lovely, doesn’t it, lads?” The new voice came from the shadows outside the cosy glow of our fire. My head tracked round as a cloaked figure emerged from the darkness behind me.
“Sure does, Jaklo, sure does.” This one appeared behind Jenny and moved towards her. I rose to my feet and hit him with a Gaze that locked him in place. Jenny made a quiet “eep” noise and froze up as well. Oops.
“Think we’ve done alright here, boss.” Dickhead number three had announced himself but was lurking far enough away, or he was another one of those horrible stealth dudes, and I couldn’t spot him.
“Easy there, big fella. We won’t hurt you, long as you do as I say.” A crossbow clicked in the shadows. The two I could see wore roughspun peasant garb. The one petrified behind Jenny had a pair of short daggers that glinted in the firelight. The one behind me had a mace in one hand and a small shield in the other.
Three, possibly four, humans. I glanced at Jenny and winked at her. Her eyes rolled in her head.
“Oh no! Bandits! Please, sir, take pity on this lonely traveller and his hirsute wife!” I said, feigning a swoon.
“Think you’re fucking funny do ye?” said soon-be-dragon-shit dickhead number three. Another crossbow clicked as it was cocked, off to the right this time. So four it was.
“She is pretty hairy, to be fair, Jaklo. Might have to knock her price down a bit.” Dickhead number three again. I pulled out my monocle, slipped it into place, and sure enough, I caught flashes of information when i scanned across the pair beyond the firelight, standing ten metres or so back. One was crouched behind a large rock, the other was just an empty patch of darkness. One ninja only then. No worries, Bob. Jenny squawked in indignation as Gaze wore off.
“He’s got magic!” gasped the man behind Jenny as he curled an arm up to hurl one of his knives at me. Now I’m the first to admit I’m not an expert on the subject, but throwing one of your weapons at your enemy is one of those high-risk moves. If it works, great; if it doesn’t, you just gave your enemy another weapon.
I caught the dagger before it could hit my stomach, but collapsed to the ground with a yowl as though I’d been hurt.
“Mages. Huh. Always cocky, always squishy. Dumb,” said Jacklo as he moved over and rolled over with a foot. I uncurled into Morning-Glory-Rises, one fist rising lightning fast to slam into his balls. I believe I felt two tiny pops as his body was launched a couple of feet into the air. I flicked the dagger I’d caught in my other hand at the ninja at the same time as I brought a heel down in Grinding-Out-A-Smoke on the boss's ankle. More satisfying crunching and grinding noises followed.
Unfortunately, knife throwing is as much an art as a science, and I was neither a STEM student nor particularly gifted at the skill. The handle plinked on his forehead at the same time as twin thwangs rang out and a pair of bolts buried themselves in my stomach.
“Bob!” squeaked Jenny.
“Boss, you ok?” All three of the remaining combatants charged at me as I stared down at the quarrels buried in my guts. “Bulbs bollocks he got you right in the stones!”
“Don’t… mention… bollocks!” whined Jacklo as his accomplices pulled him to his feet. He balanced carefully on one leg and pulled out a vial of red liquid that he knocked back with practiced ease.
“Huh. That stung.” I yanked out one of the bolts with a wince and examined the tip. My blood was unnaturally thick and clung to the bolt like glue. I brought it up to my face, and a forked tongue flickered out to taste it. A mace bounced off the back of my head, but I ignored it. I slid the second bolt out and tossed it on the fire.
“I’m afraid you don’t seem to understand a couple of things. Firstly, I’m not a mage of any sort unless you count shapeshifting. So no wiggly-fingered doom is coming for you.” I used Gaze, and all three of them locked up. Jenny backed slowly away from the fire. “Don’t worry, Jen, I’ve got this.”
I smiled a smile that kept on growing as my clothes ripped away and scales sprang up over my skin.
“Secondly, I haven’t eaten for a couple of days, and that makes Bob a grumpy dragon. I think Jenny will get to enjoy the stew all to herself. I’ll have something a little more lively. Save me some of that bread, though.”
I growled down at the terrified bandits. “Om. Nom. Nom.”
Comments
Ryan Etherton
Om nom nom!!
Ryan Etherton
“around the edges, and did the most genteel burp of fire I could manage” “gentle”
