Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 44 - Dysentery Expeliamus!
🕑 Added 2025-07-01 20:12:40 +0000 UTCAs the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses covered in steaming acid, an entire leg of Gamblepric (
As the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses covered in steaming acid, an entire leg of Gamblepric (
As the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses covered in steaming acid, an entire leg of Gamblepric (semi-digested), and an assortment of vegetables landed at my feet in a disgusting, splatty pile.
“Bob, I think you might have some kind of internal blockage. Perhaps I could?” Worm extended a suddenly wiggly hand in my direction, and I knocked his arm away, careful to avoid touching any of his pet parasites as I heaved and fought for breath.
Breathing was clearly a bad idea right now. I wiped my mouth and locked my lips tightly closed. I snorted like an angry bull as I turned to the being who had slammed into me, and Jenny hugged me again. My anger dissipated quickly. She squeezed tightly enough that my nostrils flared again, but I clamped my lips tightly shut.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she gasped. Her face was uncovered. She had no scented handkerchief. No gag reflex either, it seemed. “You brought a healer!” She moved to hug Worm, but I caught her arm and pulled her back. Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth. Be the fremen. Live the fremen. This is a desert planet. Oh shit, it was the other way around in the books!
“Unless you want-” inhale nasally, “-worms. Don’t hug that guy.” My nostrils flared again.
“Oh.” She stepped back and waved happily at Worm, who nodded politely and put his wiggling hand behind his back as he bowed deeply.
“A pleasure, young man!”
“I’m not a man.” Jenny didn’t sound happy. I snorted a laugh and regretted it as I sucked in more of the foul air.
“Ah, apologies, my dear. Perhaps I might be permitted to inspect your father? The air here is rather… pungent.” He pressed his hankie to his nose again.
“He’s been getting worse.” She pushed the door open and hastily slammed it closed. “He’s been doing that a dozen times a day.”
I sincerely wished that I’d chosen the Mental Fortress evolution when it came up, however many level-ups ago.
“Can you-” nasal breathing, “-help him?” I asked Worm. He wafted his hanky, which I had only just noted had delicate floral lacing along the edges, in front of his nose. But the absolute mensch just nodded and pushed into the house of shite. “I’m going to wait… out here. Let the… professional do his thing!” I gasped.
“Will Da be alright?” Jenny asked worriedly.
“For two thousand gold… I’m going to eat that… bastard alive if he isn’t.”
“Yes! The Guild complaints system is vicious!” she said. Not what I meant, dear Jenny, not what I meant. I just nodded as she went inside.
I waited outside, breathing shallowly through my nose while I waited for my soon-to-be contract-bound employee and Guild minion to finish wiping and infecting an old man with a new brand of intestinal parasites. I was leaning against the wall of the house opposite, doing my best to control my heartbeat and thus oxygen demands by chanting comforting mantras in my mind. Not out loud, that would have defeated the point.
Unfortunately they mostly revolved around how I was going to destroy a specific thieving shit in the Mill, economically of course. I wasn’t being charitable but when you can feel airborne poop sinking into your eyeballs you stop worrying about your karma and start to really hate the bastard whose actions caused you to come here.
“It’s done,” Worm said. I pulled my hands off the wall and turned to find him wearing a plague doctor mask. Bright, emotionless eyes peered out through glass-plated holes set above a long leather beak. “He will recover completely within three weeks, or your money back. I trust you are happy to mark the contract complete?”
“You want to go and have a shower as well?” I asked as I took the piece of paper from him. I looked it over and cursed Tex and his spanking fetish. It was fine in theory. I didn’t care what he got up to behind closed doors, but right now I was stuck with a very basic ‘I can just about read a menu’ level of literacy and needed someone I could trust to check I wasn’t getting ripped off by this creepy healer.
“Bob! He’s going to be fine!” Jenny practically skipped out of the door and hit me with another hug. I made sure my ribcage didn’t move an inch as the stout girl hit me around the ribs. I patted her head and carefully tried to push her away. I was already planning on burning my clothes, but tear tracks down my chest would look bad until I could find a moment to get changed in the Baguette after the wind shifted direction.
“Jenny, you can read this, right? Just have a look and tell me it’s all on the up and up, please?” I asked, passing her the contract. Her eyes scanned left and right for half a minute, then I received another bone-crunching hug. The baker girl was strong.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she sobbed into my chest. I awkwardly patted her head.
“Erm, no worries?”
“Two thousand gold! Two grand is more than I can make in ten years! And you just paid it out. I wasn’t happy about going north and leaving Da, but you’ve been so generous! Thank you, Bob. You’re a good man.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek, her moustache tickled slightly, but I wasn’t about to be so ungallant as to point that out.
“It’s fine, Jenny. Is the contract ok?” I said through pursed lips.
“Oh, I think so. I’d agree to it. Da is already feeling better. It will take a few days, but by the weekend, he’ll be down to three chamber pots a night, according to good Sir Worm.” She offered Worm a hand, which I slapped down as he reached out with a wriggling appendage.
“Mr Worm really needs a lesson in consent.” I glared at him as he reached up to remove his mask. He shrugged and smiled guiltily.
“One must do what one can to help people, Bob. Even if they don’t know they need your help, no?” I glared at him and turned back to Jenny.
“Sure?” She nodded, so I pressed a thumb to the contract and handed it back to Worm. He rolled it up neatly and tucked it into the inside pocket of his jacket.
“It’s been a pleasure. Any resurgence within six months, do please reach out to me, and I will pop by to deal with it. I trust you’re satisfied with my service. If not, please raise your concerns with the Guild administrators. I hope you’ll like and rate my gig, and I trust if you need someone for similar services in the future, I can rely upon your custom.” He pivoted on his heel and stalked away without a backward glance.
“What a strange man,” Jenny said.
“He didn’t try to give you worms in your sleep. Honestly, I’m not going to miss the weird bastard. Hey, the air smells better already!” I exclaimed.
“Can you smell? How are you still standing here?”
“A strong constitution!”
“You mean you threw up everything in your stomach earlier and now it’s ok?” She raised an eyebrow and the left side of her moustache at me.
“Yes.” I wasn’t going to argue the point. “Perhaps we can move to somewhere with AC, and Golden Jack, to discuss the next step? How about we head to the Baguette?”
“I’m going to stay with Da for a while. I’ll join you there later this evening,” she offered, and I nodded.
“Sounds good. I have a couple of new items to inspect, but I’m hoping to set off tomorrow to head back up north. Will you bring your father with you?” Please say no, please say no, please say no. I wasn’t being a dick. If he was going to smell like this for a couple more weeks, I really didn’t want him as a travelling companion, despite the fact that I was going to fly ahead as soon as we were clear of the town.
“No, he won’t leave Baginton. He’s a Shire boy born and bred. He’s… difficult. Sometimes I think he wants to… so I can be free… I don’t know Bob. I remember my mum and dad from Earth, but he’s all I’ve known in this world. My mum here, she didn’t…”
“Don’t worry, Jenny. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I would like you to sign a contract for two years, but you and Tex can argue about the terms. He’s already under contract with me.”
“That shifty bastard? Why would you tie him to you? Oh. I guess that works. Keep your enemies closer.” I blinked at her words. Hmm. Maybe a wee chat with Tex was in order? But he was already bound to me, and Kat had said the contract was solid.
“Something like that,” I hedged. “So I’ll see you later at the Baguette? Drinks and food are on me?” It hurt to say, and the greed-goblin in my mind shook the bars of its ascot-shaped cage and howled inside me.
“That would be lovely.” Another crushing hug. “I’ll find you in the common room.” She shot back into the house, and I heard an excited conversation between her and a wheezy old man before the door swung shut.
How much Karma would I get for two thousand gold? Some part of me screamed it wouldn’t be enough. I’d allied myself with some crazies who were definitely on the wrong end of the Second Golden Rule in exchange for unfathomable wealth. Part of me was gleeful at the thought, and the part of me that didn’t want another karmic downgrade some time in the future was a little scared. Having died once already, that kind of thing had become a lot less of a hippy-dippy hypothetical.
I trudged through the empty streets, gradually leaving the rancid smell behind. I pushed through into the Baguette when I got back and waved at Neville.
“Is Tex done with whatever the hell they’re up to?” I asked as I arrived at the bar, and he slid a double of GJ over to me. I nodded my thanks and knocked it back. I needed to clear the various horrific tastes from my palate.
“I’m afraid not, sir. The beating will likely continue through the night.”
“Huh. Lucky Tex. Any chance I can check out the booze and sign that your buddies sorted for me?”
“They are ‘our’ buddies, Chosen.” Oh right. I forgot Bulb had stacked the deck in my favour. “Teville! Please could you cover the bar for me for a few minutes?” Were they all related? A man who could have been Neville’s clone bustled out and picked up the eternally unpolished glass, looked at it for a moment, then began wiping it down as well. It was the same bloody glass. I was convinced of it.
“This way, sir.” Neville led me through the corridors behind the bar to an enclosed garden area. Plant pots and gravel, all very low maintenance. To one side was an array of barrels and casks. Neville passed me a manifest, and I struggled my way through it. I wasn’t interested in disturbing Tex yet. It all seemed in order as far as I could tell. I swept the goods into my belly pouch and looked around for my sign. I was planning on presenting it to Esme as her souvenir, but I couldn’t see anything like I was expecting.
“The sign, Neville?”
“Right there, sir. Oh, one moment.” He leant down next to a long, wide plank of wood and touched something at one end. Neon lights flashed, and suddenly I was looking at the words “The Swinging Cod, Come Inside!” glowing away merrily. Some of it was being distorted by the projection hitting the ground and creating a mishmash of colours, but nailed over a door, it would look beautiful.
“I love the detailing on the dancing fish. Good job, Brother Neville.”
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Ryan Etherton
It’s spelled “Expelliarmus” if you were making a Harry Potter reference. TYFTC!
