Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 12 - Lawyering in a New World
🕑 Added 2025-06-09 21:04:13 +0000 UTC“The crossbows are dual-purpose goods! You must understand what a Hurbledart can do to a defenceless village in the night! They should be excluded from our arrangement! A man has to make a living, and every peasant has the right to self-defence!” Tex complained bitterly as Kat went over his bill of lading. She shoved a tiny pair of spectacles back up her nose and paced over to the edge of the document before heaving the page over and moving back to the top to read through the new text.
“I wasn’t born last century. Bloody mortals! This…” she pointed down at the third entry of the page, “Hedtink’s Herbal Homicide! That’s for dealing with beetles on the fields, right?” She glanced up with a skeptical expression. Tex flinched and put one hand over his testicles and one over his nose. He’d learned her preferred target zones very quickly.
“I mean, they could use it as a pesticide, I suppose. Anything that ate some of their crops would only do it once! It would be highly effective in that sense!” he burbled. Kat’s innocent expression fell away, and her face became very cold and very calm. I winced. That usually meant Tex was about to receive another tiny foot to his balls at high speed.
“So we’ve got enough repeating crossbows and bolts to arm a modest division. Poison to kill about a hundred and fifty people, give or take, as well as assorted spears, halberds, and swords. A couple of minor siege weapons, pretty sure those are illegal for anyone other than nobility to own… We’ll take the lot for three hundred Gold. Take it or leave it,” she finished as she removed her glasses and smiled sweetly at the worried-looking man. He slowly moved his hands away from his vulnerable parts and began wringing them in front of his stomach.
“Three hundred?” He did not sound happy. I wasn’t entirely sure why Kat wanted to buy up all his gear, and I wasn’t happy about her spending my Coin without asking, but I suspected she’d beaten him down, literally and figuratively, to a decent price. “That’s not enough!” he wailed, then flinched as Kat took a small step closer to him.
“It sounds eminently fair to me. Those weapons will still serve their purpose, Foreverknot will get her rebellion. But if you want to trade in Fidler’s Mill, you go through us. The town is under our protection, so to speak,” Kat said with a smug expression on her tiny face.
“That’s not–” he stopped as she raised a tiny foot and waved it threateningly at him, “– a problem, dear lady. Not a problem at all. If you would like to pay me and return me to the town, I’d be happy to get out of your hair and on my way.” He made the statement sound like a question, the rising inflection becoming borderline squeaky towards the end.
I reluctantly counted out six piles of ten shiny Gold Coins and slid them across the floor with my tail. My tongue flicked out to taste the treasure as I settled my chin back down on my ever-shrinking hoard. I glared at Kat’s back. This plan had better work out.
“Contract paper. Don’t try and bullshit me, traders always have contract paper!” Tex held up his right hand, and a sheaf of gilt-edged paper appeared in his palm. A feather quill appeared, and he crouched down, grumbling very quietly to himself about tiny women.
Kat watched as he laid out a contract to cover our purchase of his current stock.
“Add a returns clause,” she ordered.
“Hey! I operate a zero-refunds policy!” Tec relied, shaking his head firmly. “Caveat emptor, little lady.”
“No, idiot.” She kicked his ankle. “Ankmapak is a three-week journey. You will be running from the city out to Fidler’s Mill and back again for the next two years.” He started writing but stopped and gave her the saddest puppy-dog expression I had ever seen in my life. On the boisterous, balding Texan, it looked so out of place I couldn’t help but snort a laugh.
“My lady, that is entirely pointless! The Mill doesn’t produce enough trade materials in six months to justify a return visit!” he complained, taking the opportunity to rub his bruised ankle.
“We will be your primary supplier,” Kat said firmly.
“What will you be supplying?” he perked up at that.
“Ores, magical items, gemstones, and treasure,” Kat replied. “We’ve got Dwelvers working their way down the mountain.”
“Hmm?” He stroked his chin. “Dwelvers? Good luck getting them to hand over the loot!”
“They’re contracted minions. They will not be stealing from us!” Kat hurriedly said as she waved her hands at me. I’d snapped awake and was glaring at her. “Bob, relax.” I lay my chin back down but continued to glare at the pair.
“So… you’ve got a dungeon core. That changes everything. I’ll throw in an extra five per cent for exclusivity!” Tex was reaching down to amend the contract. Kat blurred over and caught his pen with one hand, waving her shiny sword back and forth under his nose.
“Ten per cent, and it’s for one year only. After that, we retain the right to cancel and seek other partners. OK?”
“Ten!” he squawked, pulling his head back as the sword moved a bit too close to his bruised nostrils. “OK! OK, dammit. You know, for a short girl, you’re freakishly strong!”
“Thank you. Now let’s sign this bad boy and get you on your way! We’ll take the profits from the sales of our goods before you head south.”
“You know they won’t be buying any of my stuff at the Mill now? Don’t blame me if you take a loss on this load!” His quill began scratching at the fancy paper again as Kat observed from a perch on his shoulder.
“Happy?” he asked, pivoting to look down at my sprite. You know that bikini isn’t safe for work from this angle.” I opened an eye lazily and watched as Kat punched him in the temple before hopping down to finish reading over our contract.
“Yeah. This text works. Horse-face! Get over here and sign away your life!” she snapped, and I rose ponderously to my feet. Aren’t dragons supposed to be respected, if not outright feared? Tex backed away, his hands suddenly all aquiver once more. At least I could intimidate some people.
I glanced down at the page and shook my admittedly equine head back and forth.
“I can’t read any of this! It’s not even English!” I complained.
“It’s written in Jetpakian. That’s the common trade tongue in the Empire,” Tex supplied helpfully.
“How the hell can you read it?” I snapped.
“I’ve been here fifteen years, dude, I’m an old hand. I started in Pocklefur, way out in the east.”
“I don’t care, Tex. Kat, you sure this is legit? He’s not shafting me, is he?”
“You’d need to let him borrow your ring for him to stand half a chance. No, Bob. The contract is fine,” she replied. She watched me trying to hold the pen between two claws, but it kept slipping out. “Just press a claw to the sheet,” she smirked. I glared at her, but did as she said, and then the paper floated into the air, moved between Tex and me. Finally, it rolled itself up and vanished with a shower of golden sparks..
Contract confirmed.
“Let’s drop our new friend off at his wagon, and let him start selling our stock,” said Kat as she climbed up my leg and took her usual spot behind my ears.
“Can I ride on the back?” asked Tex. I looked him up and down. Portly, just shy of six feet tall, and wearing soiled trousers.
“No.” I snatched him up with my forelegs and tumbled us out of my lair. Wings flared, turning our fall into a gentle spiral that would have been peaceful except for the gibbering merchant screaming beneath me. The idiot kept squirming around as well.
“Put him down a mile from town, we don’t want them to see you with him again!” Kat called in my ear. The wind and the keening noise from Tex made it hard to catch what she was saying.
I did as requested, and we sat and watched as Tex tried to pull himself back together.
“He didn’t react that badly when I kidnapped him,” I muttered as he flopped around and kissed handfuls of dirt and grass.
“We were falling this time, he probably got a lot better look at the view,” Kat chuckled. “Oi! Do we need to invest in diapers for you? Absorbent undies for the big scared-y boy?” she finished in a sickly sweet voice.
” N-no. I don’t think we need to do that again, ever. Do we?” Tex asked in a shaky voice.
“You’d best get used to it, bub. Now, sort your shit out and go and sell those weapons for us!” she commanded, waving her sword in the direction of the town.
“They won’t be buying anything from me! I’d be surprised if they’re even still there! Dragons eat people!” he hissed as he climbed to his feet and tried to hide the stain around his crotch.
“It’s only a few weeks away from the harvest. Those peasants won’t be going anywhere. They’ve just realised there’s a dragon nearby. How much do you want to bet they’ll be really, really eager to acquire those crossbows and ballista?” Kat smirked. “Mark up our prices, or else!” He flinched and covered his nose with both hands. “Meet us here in a week with the money. We’ll have some stock for you to peddle back in the city.”
Tex’s face fell, realising how much my tiny ally had screwed him. I was impressed. It felt good to have a smart friend on my side. He walked off towards the town, scuffing his feet as he moved and muttering about evil pixie witches under his breath.
“Will he come back?” I asked, thinking about the pile of Coins I’d passed off to him.
“Oh yeah. That contract is system-enforced. We all have to play nice or the Tribulation will descend and smite us!” I glanced nervously at the sky.
“Really?” I shuffled towards a large oak tree to use it for cover.
“Not really, you brainless crocodile. If Tex breaches the contract, he loses access to his system, skills, and abilities until he rectifies the situation. That would be like being unable to eat and having your wings permanently broken. It sucks a lot for a human, so we can trust him. Now we gotta keep our end of the bargain. We need to open another floor and take it over. As many as we can complete in a week, we should be able to open up nine or ten levels before Sir Pissesalot comes back.”
“Nine or ten? That’s a thousand Gold Coins you want me to spend! I spent three hundred already today!” That dirty, disgusting, vile word should not have to be uttered by a dragon.
“Bob, how much did you get back for opening the first floor? Not even counting the value of the loot. It was hundreds, wasn’t it?” Kat said patiently. I nodded reluctantly. I knew I was being irrational; my greed should be offsetting my miserliness, but it wasn’t.
I removed my monocle and huffed on it. I glanced down and realised I didn’t have any material to buff it on. My attempt to cover my discomfort ended up making me feel more uncomfortable. I replaced the foggy eyeglass and looked around the clearing. Birds sang in the trees, and a gentle wind was blowing through, waving the branches and rustling the leaves. Being surrounded by nature, just quietly existing, restored something to the human part of me, and I wrestled my spendthrift instincts under control.
This place reminded me of the park back home. I’d sit and eat my lunch in the sun while I read a book. Happy memories of lazily sitting in the sun percolated through my mind.
“Fine,” I grumbled. Even idyllic surroundings couldn’t completely make me comfortable at the thought of parting with my precious hoard.
