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Undertaker33
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Orihime's Diet Journal: 3rd Entry

🕑 Added 2022-02-07 04:37:23 +0000 UTC

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Undertaker

Ahh! Thank you so much for your catches!! I'll make those adjustments right away! Patreon seems to have a problem copy and pasting bold text ;__; I thought I'd caught that but I must have been thinking about the beta read copy. They're NOT supposed to be meshed like that, so thank you for grabbing my attention! The peppiness is meant to feel forced, because she's trying to force it ^^ She doesn't really feel too good, but she WANTS to, so she's trying to fool herself a bit. It's a hard balance to find with trying to write from a first person PoV. I've tried to leave a few grammatical errors or inefficient rambly sentences because it's meant to feel like word of mouth here, almost as if she's talking directly to the reader. As for your praise, thank you so much :) One of the moments that stood out to me was her remembering the mochi and having to pause because her tummy's being so loud and fatty that she can't focus past all its noise. Felt like such a cute moment to me too! The little bits of backstory and 'filling in the gap' have been a lot of fun. I also kind of stopped after Aizen tbqh ^^; nothing about the later storylines grabbed me enough to get into it, which is one of the reasons her first picture is titled Soft Reboot, since that's the only point I got up to honestly! Again, thanks for your praise, and doubly so for your crtique! Always helps me put a nice chubby bow on these stories :D

jvi

I really have been enjoying this story so far. It really feels like it's being written by Orihime and I love how "Bleach" it feels if that makes sense. Urahara's magic shop is mainly what I'm thinking of here. Also Orihime is an adorable piggy between the donuts and eating an entire loaf of bread in the last part. That bit where even thinking about the chocolate mochi makes her hungry and her tummy gurgly is especially choice. A few typos I caught: -"It’s like *theirs* a tiny little itty bitty pit that’s formed inside of my gut" Should be "there's" -" One moment, *were* walking along the vendor line Should be "we're" This isn't a typo necessarily but from this paragraph on: "I’mwhat’s different. It’s my chubby thighs squishing together, it’s mybig belly wobbling up and down. The gap between the bed and my dresser isn’t too small, it’s that mybutt is as wide as the freaking fridge." There's a lot of sentences where certain words are just mashed together and I'm not sure if that was intentional or not? I feel like the ending is a bit rushed. She goes from being super duper depressed to being all peppy. I dropped Bleach after Aizen bit it and haven't seen it in a long time so maybe that's in character? Still, this was a cute and fun story. Looking forward to more.


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