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515. Oh, Wait. I'm Already Dead.
🕑 Added 2023-03-24 14:00:06 +0000 UTC“Excuse me?” The man waved a hand in front of Hui’s unblinking eyes. He pushed Hui away and sat up, frowning. “Is someone in there? Hello?”
Nope, I’m dead. I’m totally dead. Go prank Elder Sister Reaper instead of me! I’m too well versed in the art of faking dead to fall for your dying act, Elder Brother! So leave me alone and find some other sucker to pull it on!
The man looked at Hui for another moment, then shrugged. He laid back against the ground again, dragging the hat half-over his face. He coughed weakly.
The two of them laid there, silently. Nothing happened.
Uh, should I go…? Can I get up and leave? But if I give up the ghost, then he’ll go back to his plan to attack me!
Hui laid there for another few seconds, then shrugged internally. I might as well prepare for the inevitable. He slowly pressed out death qi just under his skin, forming a protective layer to hide the true status of his cultivation underneath. Drawing out a string of qi, he quietly etched a barrier talisman formula onto his skin. After a moment, he internally shrugged for a second time and etched another, then another, until he’d created a hundred and eight talismans, etched in three loops around his chest and shoulders, dantian and elbows, and hips and wrists. Okay. That should be enough. My Hundred and Eight Layers has weaknesses, but against an opponent who’s never seen it before, it should be able to hold up to… at least a single blow!
The man coughed again, louder this time. No one came.
I’m sorry, Elder Brother. Elder Sister is on the other side of town. No matter how loudly you cough, no one’s coming to investigate you.
I wish I could indicate where I am! I wish! But unfortunately, we didn’t set up a warning alarm!
Oh well. She’ll be here eventually.
Shifting slightly to dump Hui to the side, the man let out a pitiable moan. Still no one came.
More time passed. The man’s eyes closed. A low snore leaked out of his mouth.
Elder Brother, at least meditate, dammit, Hui thought, shaking his head in his heart. He settled in to meditate himself, quietly waiting for the reaper to return.
The sun crawled across the sky. Rain began to drizzle down. The man half-woke, adjusted his hat to cover his face fully, and went back to sleep.
Hui laid there, watching the man. I wonder if I could sneak away? He’s asleep right now, after all. As long as I move real slowly, I should be able to escape…
No, no, Hui! Don’t be impatient! I’m still in just as much danger as I was at the start! If I give it up now, I’ve essentially given him exactly what he wanted, by leaning over to listen to him, and that’s all! Hold out. Hold out! Just a little longer!
As the sun dipped below the horizon, the man jolted awake. He glanced around, then half-propped himself up and let out a weak cough.
Hui peeked behind him. Is Elder Sister finally coming? Come on! I’m so bored.
The reaper swept around the corner. Her white robes lit up in the low-angled sun, reflecting the light so fiercely they seemed to glow. She swept her eyes across the street.
Relieved, Hui barely resisted the urge to jump up and wave. Yes! Finally. Find us! Release me from this hell!
Her eyes landed on Hui and the man, slumped in the corner. Sensing her eyes on him, the man coughed again, spitting up some blood this time.
The reaper stopped in her tracks. She narrowed her eyes. “Again?”
The man took a weak breath, seemingly on the verge of death. “Please… come here…”
“You can stop with the act. I’ve seen it a thousand times already,” the reaper said, shaking her head.
With a light laugh, the man jumped to his feet, dragging Hui up by the neck. “So you saw through me. But can you ignore this young man’s plight?”
The reaper blinked. “Eh?”
Staring back, the man blinked too. “Eh?”
Hui came back to life with a jolt. He gave an awkward cough. “Elder Brother, she was talking to me.”
The reaper stared at the man. The man stared at Hui. Hui gave the reaper an apologetic glance.
Clearing his throat, the man tightened his grip on Hui. “After all this time, you decide to care? To replace me? Do you think you can?”
“Why are you killing mortals and ruining their souls?” the reaper asked flatly.
He chuckled. “Always assuming the worst of me.”
“Are you not?” the reaper asked.
The man shook his head, smiling. “Perhaps you could ask Zhu Diyu. Shouldn’t he know, as the one who regulates all souls through reincarnation?”
“Elder Brother, could you put me down?” Hui asked quietly.
“That’s right. Do you dare threaten me while I hold your new colleague?” the man asked, thrusting Hui at the reaper.
The reaper gave Hui a dead look. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Elder Sister…” Hui cried weakly.
“Ha! They don’t value your life. You foolishly give them your whole afterlife, while they grind you down uncaringly. They will work you to pieces until nothing remains. You work away, while they profit off your blood, sweat, and tears—”
Hui coughed. “Elder Brother, you’re describing capitalism.”
“Black Impermanence. Release him,” the reaper ordered.
The man chuckled. “I no longer go by that name. Call me… Death.”
“Elder Brother, please reconsider,” Hui begged him, patting his hand gently. Please. Please! I can’t bear it if you call yourself by such an edgelordy name. I’ll never be able to take you seriously!
“Si Wang, hand over my new partner,” the reaper said, narrowing her eyes.
“Oh, now you call me by my name,” Si Wang said. He shook his head. “I think I’ll kill him, right here in front of you.”
The reaper shrugged. “As you wish.”
“Elder Sister!” Hui cried.
“What are you attempting? Why massacre this village?” the reaper asked, ignoring Hui.
“I suppose you’ll just have to find out,” Si Wang replied, laughing. “And since you don’t want this partner of yours, I suppose…” He clenched his fist.
Moving swiftly, Hui retracted the death qi barrier. He didn’t activate the talismans, either, but let them lay quietly. I can handle this without them. I’ll save them for later. Hui’s neck cracked, then snapped. His head fell limply to the side. Cooperating, Hui ‘died,’ spasming, then letting out a slow breath as his eyes drifted shut.
After all, this isn’t my physical body. It’s a construct Zhu Diyu created. Its physicality has very little bearing on my ‘life.’ Really, given that I’m already dead, the only way to destroy me is to disperse my soul.
…Which Elder Brother can do, but! But that’s what the talismans are for!
The reaper shook her head, tired. “Oh no. What a tragedy.”
Say it like you mean it, please, Elder Sister! Don’t let him call my bluff from your nonreaction! Hui cried.
“I know you’re not dead,” Si Wang whispered in Hui’s ear.
Fuck! Hui thought.
“After all, it isn’t so easy to die when you’re already dead. I know how you feel right now. Your body is broken, and it’s hard to disconnect your soul from feeling this body as your own, so you feel dead. Paralyzed by your soul, mind, and body, you sit there silently, caught between undeath and death. It must hurt horribly.”
“If Elder Brother knows that, then please don’t hold me by the throat,” Hui interjected.
Ignoring him, Si Wang continued, “But don’t worry. I’ll send you off soon. As my good friend watches helplessly, let your soul be dispersed!” Si Wang’s grip tightened yet again. A powerful blast of qi surged toward Hui.
Hui instantly activated his talismans. One after another, the barriers shattered. Five, ten, twenty, thirty! The barriers burst one after another, letting the force through to the next layer. At layer forty, the qi blast stopped, at last, and Hui let out a sigh of relief. Thank goodness! Any further, and I would have started scribbling new talismans!
“What? You weren’t trapped…?” Si Wang asked, startled.
Without hesitating, Hui swung on his broken neck and donkey-kicked Si Wang in the nuts with the full force of his fifth-stage cultivation. Si Wang crumpled, releasing his hold, and Hui slipped out. Head bouncing on his broken neck, he hurtled to the reaper’s side and ducked behind her, peeking out from around her hips like a spooked schoolchild. One hand propped his drooping head up. “Elder Sister! Help!”
The reaper laughed, looking down at Si Wang as he whispered curses, still curled around his sensitive parts. “You fool. This idiot plays dead for fun, at the slightest provocation. What made you think that ‘killing’ him would effect his mental state at all? He practically spent more of his life ‘dead’ than alive! He was an expert at death long before he died.”
Stupefied, Si Wang stared at Hui.
In the middle of reattaching his head to his neck, Hui caught his gaze. He shifted, embarrassed, and looked at his feet. “Ah… Elder Sister praises me too much! I only played dead a few times, just a few times. I’m hardly an expert.”
Si Wang blinked. A vein throbbed in his forehead. Is that something you say humbly? Is that something to consider praise?
“Just a few hundred times,” the reaper retorted.
“No, no. You’re being too kind, far too kind.”
Si Wang backed away, licking his lips. I’m supposed to be the madman here, but I’ve clearly been outclassed. Perhaps I should just… go…
Comments
Ibn Nuh
Old man Hui: I'll die before I pay taxes Irs: You owe... Old man Hui: *dies*
Robert Mullins
Wang: you have no idea what horrors await. The endless years of tears and sweat and bloodshed amounting to nothing. The- Hui: yeah, yeah, Capitalism. We've all seen it. Wang: *kills Hui* Hui: yeah, yeah. Death, we've all seen it.
