lushaani
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Making Games is Hard!
🕑 Added 2024-04-03 00:07:43 +0000 UTCWow Lush, stating the obvious there, huh?
But yeah. This is a little, musing, update, on how the year's been going so far. Last year, I spent the last few months of the year saving up as much money as I could spend as much time as possible this year pursuing my deepest wish. Becoming a game developer. Or visual novel developer if you want to get really specific. And, how's it been going?
Great... Good... Okay... Hard... Better than I imagined? More stressful than I guessed?
In some aspects, it's been going better than I thought it would. And in others, it's going much harder. My savings have been able to keep food on the table and a roof over my head, and I've still got a healthy amount saved for a few more months. And it's been, so liberating to be fully in charge of my schedule and what I work on. But, I've also discovered the challenges and difficulties I'll be facing going forward. I've worked so hard to get to this point, that now that I'm here... My anxiety is terrified of ever losing it.
The original game plan I had, of tackling The Fertility Ritual with all of my time and power- I began to doubt it. That I had taken some time to practice some new mechanics and even made a dress up game that managed to perform better in one month than Fertility Ritual had in six- - - it made me doubt myself. It made me doubt that I knew what I was doing. And so what momentum I had came to a crashing halt as I started to overthink. Every idea I've had and every impulse, I've stopped and just- thought about it. Thought about working, thought about practicing, thought about new ideas and old ideas. And not getting much done.
I've been doing stuff- of course. I put together a "sketchbook" VN on my patreon that's basically just a library of mechanics and imagery I was toying with. Including a crude RPG system, dynamic sprites, and a navigation system. I've been teaching myself how to code- so slowly learning object oriented programming, logical loops, statistics and variables- has been invaluable. I've been learning, but just not applying it to anything.
I'll admit it- I don't have a "big plan" that I'm working towards right now. I don't have some- great big dating sim or adventure story that I've been plugging away at in secret. It's been a lot of practice and anxiety.
Anxiety that's been building up because I've been running low on my backlog too. The social media brain rot has hit me hard this past decade- and so the idea of having "nothing" to post... it terrifies me. There were times that I had something to post, every day for weeks, months, on end. Uninterrupted. And now- I'm reaching a time period where all I have are brainstorming notes and concept scribbles- not even doodles- scribbles.
I've started setting the foundations for a possible, "fetishy shorts" game. One where I can make just- short stories- But even that I was overthinking. Getting overwhelmed and wanting it to be perfect. My perfectionism came back swinging, and is kicking my ass.
As I hit three months, a quarter of the year- I was starting to really gaze down the abyss and wonder if I'd made the right choice. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Being a solo developer is a whole bunch of different skills beyond drawing- writing, programming, editing, sound design, scheduling, organization, design, and above all- it takes confidence. Confidence I wasn't sure I had. Of course, I have the support of my friends, and the encouragement of friends and family offline- But again, I let anxiety slip in- and started to worry that I wasn't working "fast enough" that I wanted to have stuff for them to play to look at, and I wasn't getting anywhere. I realized, that I was putting my value as a person into my output again. Or maybe I never stopped- but it's just rearing it's head because now each project could take weeks or months.
So- It's hard. And I didn't know what to do. . .
Which is why I did my silly little- one day challenge- to make a visual novel. I even live streamed it. Going from concept, to design, to writing, to art, in a single 9 hour binge of creation. Not caring if something was cringy, or illogical, or goofy- just going as hard as I could into making it. Leaning into the "this is just for fun" energy that an expansion themed porn game would have- just taking ideas as they came to me, or were suggested by the stream attendees. I just- - - had fun with it.
I won't say it's great, I won't even say it's necessarily good. But it was fun- and I couldn't have done it without the support of my stream attendees- nor the months I've spent learning how to write the basic python code and use the ren'py library as I have been. It's really showed me, just how much I've come. It's like- "if I can make this in 9 hours... what could I make in 9 days?" It's a similar feeling I had to making the Honey Dress Up Game back in January. Or even the original Size Queens demo a few years ago. Or the Avaline Wendigo vore story waaaay back when I first learned what Ren'py was.
I've been kind of wishing, I could go back ten years and do it all differently. That way back then- I didn't... worry. Didn't talk myself out of trying to live my dream of one day maybe becoming a game developer. But, here I am now. I'm trying. I dunno, if it will last. If I'll be able to make enough games, or good enough games, that will bring people to my patreon or make enough sales to support me long term.
But that doesn't matter. Because I'm taking my first steps. Sure, I wish it was a more productive first three months. But I think even if I somehow made a full game and got it on steam. I'd still be wishing I'd been more productive. I'm a little nuts that way.
I'm going to keep giving it my best shot. As long as the funding lasts, I'll be trying to make the most of this crazy ass dream. And bring y'all, and everyone else, weird, niche, and fun little games that no one else could. Thanks for reading.
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Oh, and by the way. Commissions are closed- they're closed cause I want to focus on making games exclusively- I've briefly considered, opening them at a higher price than I used to offer- so like- if people REALLY wanted to get one they could. But I haven't committed to that. And like I said in stream yesterday, I'm also considering trying out making short VNs by commission- But that's also like- a "what if" right now. I'm still resting and thinking.
So, you know- if you got this far. Let me know your thoughts <3
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And of course- My patrons. I really can't thank you enough for your support. Every like, or comment, and of course your pledge. It's really motivating. Thank you for putting up with my ups and downs, and being here when you can be. And I always understand, if you have to move on. Life's rough for everyone right now- and sometimes groceries are more important than subscriptions. Regardless- I appreciate y'all <3 <3 <3
Bye!
