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State of Sterling: On Being Hurt & Cutting Ties
🕑 Added 2023-03-01 14:01:10 +0000 UTCHello patrons!
It’s been quite some time since I wrote an update blog about your second best Trashgirl’s various doings. For the most part, there’s not a massive amount of exciting stuff going on in my neck of the dumpster. I’m mostly ticking along, been doing some videos I’m super proud of, wrestling is going tremendously. All told, not bad.
That said, there’s one major change, and while the long-term result will be positive, the circumstances are, to put it bluntly, really shitty.
Some of you have already noticed that for the past couple of weeks, I’ve edited the Jimquisition videos myself. That is because I am no longer associated with my former artist and editor Justin McDaniel. This association ended due to exploitative and abusive behavior. I had tolerated this behavior toward me for some time, and didn’t listen to people around me who warned me I was being mistreated. It was not until others came forward toward to tell me that they’d been treated the same way that I accepted what had happened.
I confronted him and cut ties with him over a week ago, and I’ve just been trying to process the whole thing and work out how to talk about it. I can say I put up with a lot over the years. I put up with theft. I put up with manipulative behavior. I put up with being talked about incredibly hurtfully behind my back.
When you find out the guy you pay around $30-40 an hour for an average of two to three part days a week (with breaks literally whenever wanted) is telling people you’re overworking and underpaying him and and taking their money while you’ve been lending him cash without expectation of payback and after he spent six rent-free months in your home, well, lemme tell you it hurts.
I’m not entirely comfortable sharing all the details of his exploitation of others, though they’re largely the same. I was told about emotional abuse, manipulation, objectifying and enabling behavior, and a general pattern of selfishness at their expense.
For the time being, my husband Phoenix is working on the Jimquisition’s graphics (the new work-in-progress logo is theirs, as has been the past two intros and outros). Conrad has taken over editing Podquisition, and I’m doing all of the video show editing like I used to back in the day.
Creatively, I think this is working out nicely - a lot of editing that commenters praised in recent times was stuff I’d done myself, people just assumed it was Justin because he had the main editor credit. I’m also just really, really good at cobbling together this kind of content - I’m not technically proficient or artistically skilled, but when it comes to adding engaging visuals to an audio track with just the right amount of pacing and style, I rate myself fairly highly. The fact our AI episode’s editing got so many compliments has really pleased me.
Long-term, I’m probably going to bring on another editor, at least as a backup. There’s some stuff I just can’t do, and an extra set of hands alleviates a lot of pressure when my weekends are dominated by wrestling bookings. Please be aware I’m not taking applications unless otherwise stated. I’ve got people in mind already.
You might have figured by now, but all this is why the past two episodes have gone up a lot later than usual. The sudden change, the need for new graphics, and overall emotional stress has been a lot to handle. I’m proud to say we still didn’t miss a Monday!
Since we’re here, I might as well get something quasi-related off my chest that I’ve carried for a long time. It’s been dredged up by all this, and I feel I need to get it out.
I’ve never mentioned what I’m about to talk about publicly before: I’m a previous victim of financial abuse. For many years I was in a situation where I did not have control of my own money. I was denied access to bank accounts, what money I could spend was monitored, etc. I was essentially a resource where my agency was not a concern. My value consisted of what money I could bring in, which was never seen as enough.
It’s very easy to take advantage of me, really. I’m too willing to believe in my own incompetence and glom onto someone who is “better” than me. I’m very easily gaslit, and I’m terrible at self advocacy. The short of it is that after I actually got myself out of this abusive relationship, I was left with over $100,000 of debt that had been building up without my knowledge, consent, or control.
Contrary to what some people love to claim, I’m not “rich.” That was never true to begin with (the Patreon figure is never reflective of what I take home after failed transactions, fees, taxes, paying the people I work with, etc), but I can’t emphasize enough what I lost - everything. My grandparents meant the world to me, and everything they ever left me has been lost on this as well. I never wanted to say anything about it, as desperate as it got, as devastating as it was. I can’t tell you why - Phee offered me a list of reasons why an abuse victim doesn’t speak up. I could probably just throw a dart at it.
Thanks to several hugely lucky breaks, losing everything I had, and a massive amount of accounting and sales help from my husband and Conrad, I have somehow clawed myself out of the woods. Those “Gays Can Do Whatever They Want” shirts may have quite genuinely rescued me!
That said, I’m still recovering both materially and emotionally. More than the money, being solely responsible for the consequences of what someone else did to me has been a level of pain I can’t adequately describe.
He knew this. When he told me he wanted to be paid more, when he told others I underpaid him, he knew my past history. It’s probably the part that hurts most. I couldn’t afford to keep him, but I kept him, and never once considered so much as paying him less even when I was advised to drop him. And I’d been made to feel so guilty about not taking care of him that when I was struggling the most, I raised his pay. I felt responsible. I never felt like it was enough.
There’s a lot of shame and embarrassment that comes with finding out someone you trusted was taking you for a ride, especially knowing you weren’t the only one. In fact, it wasn’t until I’d read accounts of his behavior from other people that I accepted what had happened to me. It’s like they held up a mirror when they described how they’d been made to feel. I’m eternally grateful they came forward, as much as I’m horribly sorry they had to be involved at all. They’ve asked to have their privacy respected, so I’m not bringing them any further into this. Once again, I’m incredibly thankful for them.
It’s all just so… sad. I’ve had turns feeling angry, feeling ashamed, feeling afraid. More than anything, I just feel sad. Anyway, all of this took more words than I’d planned. This post was not meant to be dominated by that. In truth, I wanted to say nothing. I wanted it to just go away. But that’s not something I feel I get to do.
I want to thank Phee, Conrad, Jane, and Laura, as well as my friends Ollie and Mark who all supported me while dealing with all this. As much as stuff like this can damage your ability to trust, I try not to let myself be too guarded. This has opened me up to be hurt. It’s also allowed me to have support I wouldn’t ever trade away.
MOVING ON! Alongside organizational change, I think the Jimquisition itself is having a really positive creative step forward lately. I mentioned in our Under 800,000 Subscriber Special that I’d made a concerted effort to have the show be less depressing, with subject matter more in line with what a lot of fans said they preferred. Shockingly, addressing all the “real reasons [I’m] losing subs” except for the reason I’ve put forth hasn’t changed anything. However, since the new year I can confidently say I’ve been doing some of my best work to date.
This is especially true in recent weeks. My episode on Hogwarts was incredibly difficult to make, but the response has been tremendous, with many calling it the best succinct presentation of the game’s problem they’ve seen. It made all of the resulting harassment from transphobes and Rowling simps (same difference) worth it! The -800K Special was a similarly tough episode, especially as I had just had the Justin bomb dropped on me, but the end result was so good and I’m still buried under a mountain of supporting responses from viewers. Thank you so much! Then we did this week’s AI video, in which I really felt the need to prove that I could edit the show better on my own (with a little help from NEON 35-2). Given the response from viewers, I think the multiple stressful days I poured into it paid off.
I’ve had to cope with some shitty stuff lately, but at the same time I’ve felt a fire lit under me. I’ve not been as creatively invested in my work since forever, and there’ll be some cool stuff coming. I can tell you that something recently started stirring in the basement, as a spoon might stir a certain corn-based cereal.
At night, I hear it wail. The pain. The terror. The nutrition.
I think I’ll wrap up our update for now, though. Got some reviews in the works - hopefully I’ll have ones written for Kirby and Octopath II soon.
Also, my current confirmed wrestling dates are:
March 18th, Blackpool: PCW’s Women’s Road to Glory Tournament.
March 25th, Leeds: True Grit Wrestling. I’ll be fighting Priscilla, Queen of the Ring.
There are other dates TBA including some HUGE ones in May and August. I can’t wait to show you.
That’s it. Thank you so so SO much for your support and the so many kind messages I’ve gotten lately. I have struggled to respond, but please know they’re been read and they are amazing.
Thank you all for letting me continue to do what I do.
Stephanie.
Comments
Jason Guffey
was gonna say, I noticed a change when you said the videos were edited by AI now as a bit, but I never thought it was worse... You're nailing it, Steph, damn. Wishing you the absolute best you bloody legend!
Much love you as you get through this - Been a supporter for several years myself and my partner has been watching your videos every monday for over ten years. We intend on continuing to be there for you because you are a smart cookie and damned right you've earned yourself that title of Cassandra of the video game industry. You were smart enough to spot this stuff early on, and you've continued to grow to be even more equipped to break it down further as it gets on with it. Quite frankly, your editing skills are great - my fiance had thought you'd actually invested more money into editing in the last couple before I told her about this post! When you say the videos were late, they were still delivered on Monday, so we hardly noticed - not late at all in our books. You're doing fantastic given the circumstances. Hope things stabilize for you soon and you're able to take even just a moment to catch your breath and appreciate the wonderful growth you've achieved these past few months, and how even this shitty situation is a further opportunity to grow in a new direction with a new editor (should you choose to get one because again, your skills are actually pretty awesome!) Thank god for you!
I’m not sure what’s getting “drag(ged) out” so much as explained. Unless we think it unnecessary for people to discuss the decisions they’ve made and why they’ve made them and what’s been going on in the background? The only question is whether or not a person decides to talk about these things. It’s not up to an outsider to say someone who’s involved should stay silent. In fact, I’d suggest that kind of thinking is dangerous. If you’d read the post, Liam, I think you’d see that this was clearly much more than a “pay dispute”. What with the mentions of theft, exploitation, abusive behaviour, the free lending of money, the 6 month rent-free crashing, the talking about them behind their back. And the pay raise(s) given despite struggling financially. Unless, choosing to ignore the over-decade of journalistic integrity consistently displayed by Steph, you suggest they’re either lying or embellishing. Considering everything mentioned, referring to this as a “pay dispute” is an incredible downplay, not a little disrespectful, and suggests that exploitation and manipulation aren’t that bad. When they are. They are very, very bad, actually. There’s some details missing in your point about the amount of work Justin performed. Namely the three people replacing him… you do know each of these people have other work to be doing, yes? I don’t know much about Conrad or Phoenix but Steph, at least, has multiple projects to complete each week. And then you asked the big question: If you were paying him a decent wage, why would there be a need to throw him extra cash? Plainly accusing Steph of lying. Because there’s NO WAY anyone getting enough pay would EVER need to borrow money. So, you’re either very young or very naive. There’s plenty of people in the world that will try to take advantage of others as much as is possible. Let’s look at the theme of many Jimquisitions posted the past couple years, why don’t we? Not to mention people who are just not good with money and spend beyond their means. You could also ask a much better question: if Justin was so dissatisfied with his pay that he’d complain about them behind their back, why wouldn’t he leave? None of this is to say that Justin didn’t do good work. Without know what working with him was like, his results were good. I know I enjoyed it. And this is as much an unpleasant surprise to me as anyone else. But I don’t doubt Steph’s account. And I’m hard pressed to think they’d fire a long-time employee/contractor and then post about it without just cause. And I question anyone who thinks otherwise.
Oh no! Really sorry that you've had to relive traumatic experiences with an employee. Fuck Justin. Now I feel extra bad because I sent you a fan art with the old logo and well-wishes to you and your team a day before I saw this post. Not intentional!
Day Citrus
Thank you for sharing this with us, it really means a lot. Public figures opening up about abuse is extremely brave, and I hope any other victims reading this feel a little less alone today. You're an absolute star. One of the few great journalists working in the industry and one of the funniest people alive to boot. You've been through so much in the decade or so I've been following your work, and not only did you never miss a Monday, you've arrived in 2023 the most powerful and beautiful version of yourself you've ever been. Thankyou again, so much.
forthehonor-ofgayskull
I'm sorry Justin was treating you so shitty. No one deserves that. I've been taken advantage like that by people I trust and it always sucks so I feel u.
Ari Fox
Hey Steph, I'm a long time fan and... I'm kinda disappointed in you with this one. If all of this is 100% true, it's still not something you should share with your fans. This ultimately is a personal, financial, and communication dispute with a friend and employee - and you should have left it at that. Also: you were the person with the power in this situation. You directly controlled how much Justin had to live on. Maybe you both saw it differently - maybe he saw it as full time work - all I know is he didn't have another job too for what ever reason, so ultimately, Justin was reliant on you to cover his cost of living. Maybe Justin didn't get another job on purpose - I don't know, wasn't there. But this also means we can't really verify any this, and that's a crap place for your fans to be in. My heart goes out to you about the financial abuse - a similar thing happened to me. And I'm terribly sorry that this has brought up all of those feelings again. I hope you're able to take some time to heal, and that you are supported by your loved ones. EDIT: You know what, actually, this was a pretty knee-jerk and rude response of me, and I'm sorry. I even said it myself: I don't know what went on, and it was rude to presume I could make any kinda judgment call about two strangers. I'm sorry about that, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Please take care and have rest.
Trude Perkins
I'm so sorry about all this. You are loved by the people that know you and loved by all of us here xx
So so so much love to you. 💗
Beau C
It beggars belief that there are people out there who think they can get away with doing that shit
Rhem T. Bright
I am so sorry that you were hurt and taken advantage of like this - I can't imagine how difficult its been to deal with, but I'm glad you have such a good support system. You deserve a good support system! And I think you're right - your past couple of videos really have been something special, so I think you're set to do bigger and better things going forward from here. Upped my pledge for the next little while to hopefully do even a tiny bit to help with the changeover. <3 We're rooting for you!
Liam
The more I think about this, the more uncomfortable it makes me feel. Is it really appropriate to drag out what is essentially a pay dispute in public like this? Steph, can you really say Justin only worked part time when you apparently need 3-4 people to cover for his absence? And if you were paying him a decent wage, why would there be a need to be throw him any cash? I'm sorry but a lot of this doesn't add up, and framing it in the context of "I have finance related trauma, therefore my employee is not allowed to voice dissatisfaction with pay" is a cheap way of getting people on your side.
Domingo Carlo Martinez
Sorry that this has happened. Take care of yourself 🙏🏾
