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Chapter 36: Royal Army Carriage, Night (1)
🕑 Added 2022-08-20 09:43:53 +0000 UTCI knew it was still night even before my eyes took in the darkness. The coldness had enveloped me, the blanket I wore draped over my body having fallen to the carriage floor. And yet all I felt was the dried warmth soiling my own legs.
A wet dream.
An ordained hero. A valiant protector of the people. A symbol of strength.
And I was still having wet dreams.
My heart thumped in my chest as memories of my dream remained fresh in my mind. It was the image of my beloved girlfriend truly losing herself to the arms of another man, her intoxicated expression burning in both my mind and on my legs.
That I was having dreams of Iris was no new thing. But it'd never before featured the disgusting grin of Magnus spoiling them also.
In many ways, it was both a dream and a nightmare. A conflict of desire and shame.
And so, despite the disgust I felt at the dried seed caking my inner thighs, I knew from the way my lower body was reacting that even though I was awake, I was now at risk of creating an even greater mess.
For a moment, I cursed the loud sounds of the surrounding air. Even being the dead of night, soldiers could still be heard moving and speaking, their iron footsteps and muffled voices buzzing unceasingly around where we had stopped to make camp.
But then within that darkness, I noticed something which was missing.
It was my two companions.
Opposite me, the carriage wall lay empty.
Iris and Magnus were nowhere to be seen.
The tiredness was swept away from my eyes in a moment, and where my body had been slow and sluggish, I now found myself upright and awake.
Iris and Magnus … if they were not here, then it could only mean one thing.
I swallowed a gulp as the image of my girlfriend secluded away with Magnus in some quiet part of camp visited my mind. All at once, my tiredness and fatigue was washed away by a tidal wave of envy, incredulity … and fear.
It was just like my dream.
Except, this was real. And yet the image of both Iris and Magnus missing from the carriage was the same.
Fear swept up like a gale inside my heart as I suddenly no longer knew if what I'd experienced was even a dream. It was so lucid and lifelike. Almost like a premonition. Almost like a memory stone. Almost like it had actually happened.
In that moment … a dreaded realisation came over me.
What if my dream was more than that? What if it was the workings of the Goddess of Love? Had some strand of fate connected with us, allowing me to see more than what Iris offered?
Was Iris now alone with Magnus, giving away more than just her body?
Iris had continually broken new ground with her immorality. With her wants. And now she was yet again breaking the barriers I could never have expected her to leap over. It was as if her desire to immerse her body within the warmth of that other man was so great, that neither time nor place mattered to her anymore.
As though she didn't care for anything other than satiating both her wants, and those of Magnus's.
Because I realised, with a feeling that both crushed my heart and caused it to beat faster, it was not only me she sought to please.
It was Magnus.
I stood up from where I was seated. Ignoring the disgusting feeling on my legs, I was now suddenly aware of every sound to circle the carriage.
That Iris was missing could only mean one thing.
If this had been before, I would have obediently waited, to swallow my excitement and expectation and look forward to the gift that Iris would undoubtedly have for me.
And yet, this was before I had seen her beautiful figure before despoiled in front of me.
This was before I'd seen her casually seat herself next to the man who was no doubt enjoying her warmth within this cold night.
Before I started to wonder if there would even be any gift waiting for me.
Because right now, the truth was that I could no longer be certain.
With a realisation both painful and sudden, I realised that I did not know any longer whether Iris's heart belonged to me.
To even have that doubt come to fruition was akin to having my heart being ripped out of my chest.
In that short moment, I could only feel the shadow of despair creep over me. A stinging anxiousness as I realised what I had done.
That I had purposefully offered out my beloved girlfriend to suit my desires. And that now, she may no longer be able to return.
And yet, despite it all, there was another emotion which accompanied my fears.
It was an intoxicating feeling like I had never known before.
Imagining Iris as she offered not only her body, but her heart over to a man other than me filled me with such twisted excitement that I could feel myself teetering on my feet, as though on the brink of throwing up. It was an excitement which touched the darkest part of me. A terrible desire in the back of my mind, where I longed to see what expression Iris made when she walked past the red line.
And if she was outside now, doing it with the man who would steal her from me …
Would I be able to witness that moment in person?
Did I want to witness such a moment in person?
I clutched at my chest, torn between the conflicting emotions running through me. The small part of me which knew I needed more faith in Iris could no longer be heard, drowned out by recollections of her immoral moans as she offered more and more of her body and soul over to another man.
And as I stood still, barely able to contain the rapid pace of my breathing--
“Oh, you're awake.”
I heard her beautiful voice.
The tarp covering the back of the carriage split. In the parting, Iris's head peeked through.
However …
I felt all my emotions threaten to pour out at the sight of the sweat draping Iris's flushed face.
Her beautiful, golden hair was a mess, partially covering one of her glimmering eyes. Her cheeks were scarlet even in the darkness. And even if I could not see the sweat caking her skin and dripping down her slender neckline, I would be able to smell it.
With a small note of exertion, as if she had already greatly tired herself tonight, Iris climbed through the tarp and into the back of the carriage.
Here, I did not need any light to expose her fatigued body. Instead, I could feel the heat radiating from her, as though she'd not been permitted a moment's rest throughout the night.
The tattered state of her hair was an even more unfamiliar sight than what I was used to. Even after hours spent in Magnus's arms, she usually managed to keep her composure, if only just.
What had they done that had resulted in her looking so unkempt?
Just how far had she given herself over to him?
I opened my mouth to greet her. To respond.
Instead, I found I could say nothing.
But for Iris, perhaps that was enough.
Catching sight of whatever expression I was making, Iris paused, then clearly studied me.
I could barely make out her face with the moon behind her and the darkness in front. And yet I knew there was no teasing smile there. No forthcoming explanation of anything that had happened.
All I saw, and all I heard, was emptiness.
“There's something I need to tell you.”
Until she spoke those words.
Quietly, her voice softer than the swaying grass, Iris's words came out like the beginnings of an apology.
The beginnings of a confession.
To my disbelieving gaze, Iris took a few steps into the carriage until she was standing just in front of me.
And then--
She dropped to her knees.
It wasn't a sensual pose. Nor was it dignifying.
She dropped to both knees, with her palms flat by her side.
As though in a pose of contrition, my girlfriend adopted the form of someone whose next words would be to offer words of remorse.
In that moment, I could no longer hear my heart beating.
Instead, all my efforts were bent on hearing Iris's next words. Or to not hear them, if that was what was required. I did not know which I truly wanted.
In front of me, Iris took in a deep breath, and then finally spoke.
“I lost the nice linen pillows.”
I blinked, unsure of what I'd just heard.
“Huh?”
Iris shook her head in a look of deep regret.
“I lost them. The linen pillows.”
“The … what?”
“The linen pillows. I was sparring with the soldiers. I'd won the nice linen pillows, but then lost them when I failed to disarm twelve knights in a row. It was the last which bested me. I offer my deepest apologies.”
For a moment, all I could feel was confusion.
And then I felt something else. The beating of my heart. The rushing of my blood. And the clearing of my head.
As though coinciding with the sudden clarity of my mind, even Iris's expression could now be spied. Despite her pose of apology, she was wearing the smallest of smiles.
“... What happened with the twelfth knight?” I asked at long last.
“He brought his horse. I regret to say I was not able to disarm him, on account of him simply galloping away. I'm surprised you did not hear the laughter. It was possibly the lowest point in my life.”
I stared at Iris, and yet it was not entirely uncomprehendingly.
Egged on by her smile, I chose to ask the question expected of me.
“I see. That's terrible news. But why are you apologising while on your knees?”
Iris leaned up slightly, until her smile was clear even in the darkness.
“Because you looked like you were expecting me to say something else,” she said, her voice both tender and amused. “Did me sitting next to Magnus make you that anxious?”
It was as though a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders.
And yet, I couldn't exactly say that Iris's smile was light, either.
“I was going to bully you some more, but honestly, it's not as fun when it looks like you're about to have a heart attack.”
Leaning up even more, she reached out and prodded a finger against my head.
It was the first contact I'd had with her for … I don't know when.
And it was so that she could solidly jab me.
“Sofia is right, not that I thought otherwise. Your face truly is too easy to read.”
I smiled weakly.
“Is it?”
“It is. The way you look so troubled is cute. But I'd like to ask that you have a little more trust in me. Therefore, the next time I see you looking this worried over my shoulder touching Magnus's, I will take advantage of it. This is my only warning.”
It was like a dam of emotions had been broken.
Suddenly, the only thoughts and feelings I had were of guilt. Of shame.
I had forgotten what type of person Iris was. I had forgotten that she missed nothing. I had forgotten that she loved nothing more than to tease me. And I had forgotten that she was my most trusted person in my life.
She'd seen through my thoughts. And only pity had stopped her from taking it any further.
Feeling all the tiredness suddenly return, I sat back down, joining Iris on the floor level of the carriage. And suddenly at a loss on what to say after being exposed, I turned to speak about the man whose face unfortunately came to my mind.
“Then, where is Magnus?”
Iris's smile grew bleaker.
“I believe he is currently investigating the standards of the camp followers.”
“By camp followers, you mean--”
“Yes, I do.”
“Oh.”
I was treated to the sight of Iris's pout. From it came another sting of jealousy. But it was the type of jealousy she purposefully drew from me. The type both she and I indulged in.
My beloved girlfriend knew exactly what I wanted. To the extent that sometimes, she had to remind me what that was. I hoped I would never need reminding again.
And yet, despite it all.
I could not help but wonder, as I stared at her dishevelled hair and her warm smile--
Whether what I had seen in my dream was actually real.
