AlexanderBishop
patreon
Black Humour — Chapter 1
🕑 Added 2025-02-19 20:40:14 +0000 UTCAuthor’s Note: Had a plot bunny two days ago and almost couldn’t sleep because of it. I wanted to get started on the next chapter of “Fisting For Fun”, but fuck it, we ball. Here’s a totally unplanned bonus chapter for a new story. Enjoy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“That idiot is being late.” A deep, though mostly flat voice reached my ears from the left as I idly watched the forest and the winding road ahead. Building the shrine atop a hill made it harder for the normies to reach us, but I had to admit the scenery was really nice.
The old man had good taste.
I turned towards the brown haired man standing by the gate, the black mass of my face stretching into a jagged facsimile of a smile. “I’m sure he will be here soon. He must have found something that slowed his travel down a little.”
The brat probably found himself a wife, I’d bet. He had that himbo rizz that got them village girls acting unwise. Made their panties wet faster than his Water Style.
“He’s better not dally too much. Father is waiting for us.”
“Eh. Let your brother enjoy his youth. In fact, you should enjoy it, too, while it lasts.” I sent him an amused look, but Indra just frowned, and I couldn’t help but inwardly sigh.
I’d tried my best, but this guy still ended up nearly as stiff as his broody descendants had turned out in the original timeline. I could count the times he’d smiled in the last month on a single hand. But it could’ve been worse, so… yeah. Silver lining.
“I’ll do it when the time is right.”
I felt a pang of pity at his words. He had all that tall, dark, and handsome charm he needed to rizz up the girls, but he was way too picky about his chicks. Sometimes, I even wondered if he had some weird mental checklist he went through every single time a girl looked at him.
I still had hope in him, though. One day, he would give us some grandchildren.
I also had a secret weapon that I’d yet to play.
“Ashura is going to give us grandchildren before you. Ya really wanna come second to him on this one?”
“Hn.” Indra spared me a brief glance before looking away with a quiet grunt. I wasn’t sure, but I had a feeling that it worked.
And speaking of which, as if summoned by our chat, a mop of spiky, brown hair came into view on the path from uphill, joined by a fair-skinned, slender woman with dark hair walking at his side.
A smile broke on my face. Fucking called it.
I gave the young man a proper look as he approached at a sedate pace, the pretty girl holding one of his arms, her own entwined around it.
Huh. The brat had grown a little. He looked like even more of a himbo. I kinda pitied his new girlfriend. She was going to have to beat the competition off with a stick.
An amused huff escaping me, I shared a brief, amused glance with Indra, though the man once again looked away with a quiet huff.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
A wide, warm smile bloomed on Ashura’s face as he neared the gate, coming at a stop an arm’s length away from us.
“Long time no see, Uncle Zetsu.”
I met his infectious smile with a grin of my own. “Look at you, Ashura. A fully grown man.”
I’d mostly meant it as a joke, but judging by the faint red hue burning at his ears, bro did more than just spiritual discovery on his journey.
I fixed him with a proud look.
And to think that only a few years back he’d pester me about every day to play ninshū tag… look at him now, ninshū tagging girls in bed. He’d grown so much.
Ashura gave an embarrassed grin as my gaze briefly went to the woman next to him. Pale skin and a heart shaped face, decorated by a small mouth, a button nose, and steely eyes. Her baggy clothes made it harder to inspect the goods, but I’ve seen enough already.
Noice. Approved.
“Oh?” A teasing note slithered in my tone. “And who’s this lucky lady?”
Ashura shared a quick look with the girl before rubbing awkwardly at his hair. “Ah, this is Kanna.”
“Hello,” the young woman greeted with a warm smile, which I quickly returned with one of my own.
“Charmed.” I was pleasantly surprised when she didn’t instinctively flinch. It was nice for a change. Most of the normies and merchants who happened to pass by still looked at me like I was a freak, which, fair, but…
I didn’t choose to be like this.
Ashura’s attention shifted to the gate, and the brood-lord standing there like a statue.
“Indra, it’s been a while.” He greeted his elder brother with a smile, getting a twitch of the lips from him. Indra thought he was being slick, but he was definitely doing his best to suppress that smile.
Indra nodded his head ever so slightly in acknowledgment. “You’ve finally matured a little, it seems.”
Predictably enough, Ashura’s eye began twitching in nearly record time as the young man jabbed a finger towards his smug looking brother.
“Oi, what’s that supposed to mean? You wanna go at it right here and how?”
Indra merely smirked at the challenge, adding more fuel to Ashura’s fiery temper.
“Oh? Are you so eager to take a mouthful of dirt?”
Kanna looked between the two brothers, mouth drawn in concern, though I couldn’t help but shake my head fondly.
I’ve been saying it for a while, but these two were giving me major genin Naruto and Sasuke vibes. Which, yeah, absolutely made sense.
Before the Ashura powder-keg could explode, I quickly grabbed their attention with a light clap of the hands. “Boys, you’re both cool. You can fight later.”
Heads turning nearly in sync, they both gave me a glare, but thankfully, did not take this any further.
“I suppose father would be rather cross with us if we fought right now.”
That would be putting it mildly.
Ashura pushed a smile to his face, glancing between his future wife and his brother.
“Anyway, Kanna, this is my elder brother, Indra.”
The girl inclined her head slightly with a smile, but Indra just studied her closely for a moment, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed.
Thankfully, the girl took it in stride. That was good. She’d have to get used to Indra’s moodiness if she wanted to be a part of the family.
“Don’t take it personally, that’s just his way of saying that he approves.”
Her lips twitched slightly at my words, though Indra’s frown deepened, so I matched it with a cheeky smile.
“Don’t, worry, Indra. You’ll find your wife soon enough. Women love that broody air you’re giving off.”
Indra fixed me with a pointed glare, eyes narrowing while Ashura grinned and Kanna hid a smile behind her hand.
“I do not brood.” Biggest lie of the decade.
“Sure you don’t.”
“Hn.”
Turning around, Indra walked silently past the gate, heading inside the temple styled house while Ashura watched him intently.
Eh. Just give him time, lil’ bro. He was already much better than what he could have been. Indra would fully come around in due time.
I caught Ashura’s gaze, pointing a thumb at the gate, eyeing him smugly. “You better hurry up inside, too. Your father has an important announcement for you and your brother.”
Ashura perked up, brows shooting up slightly. “Oh? Any idea what that might be?” he asked, looking at me slyly, but I merely shook my head in amusement.
“I might have an idea, but I’m not spoiling the surprise.”
The young man crossed his arms with a huff, but the slight curl of his lips betrayed his act. “Fine, keep your secrets.”
That got a quiet chuckle out of me. I’ve taught him well.
“Good, now go on,” I made a playful, shooing motion with a hand. “And take your bride with you, I’m sure the old man has been waiting a long time to tease you about grandchildren.”
A tinge of embarrassment colored Ashura’s face once again, much to the woman’s amusement. She covered a brief giggle with a hand as the two of them walked away, heading towards the main shrine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A solemn yet hopeful silence filled the main gathering hall, dozens of disciples lining the chamber on all sides, waiting patiently for their cul—spiritual—leader to make his announcement.
All in all, quite the formal atmosphere. It made me feel like I was watching a papal succession from back home. The scent of incense truly added that extra touch, even though I couldn’t actually smell it like this.
I could’ve snatched myself a body for the occasion, but I tried to avoid doing that too often, unless it was for something truly important like clapping some cheeks. It kinda made the disciples nervous, even though I always made sure to get their consent.
Pretty weird, but it didn’t bother me that much, so I just gave it a pass.
Ashura and Indra stood ramrod straight like a couple statues, though I couldn’t really fault them. Hagoromo could be rather intimidating even without trying.
The old man himself sat on a large pillow at the front, face inscrutable and hands laid flat atop his knees.
“Ashura. Indra.” Hagoromo’s deep, raspy voice suddenly filled the hall, both brothers standing even straighter. “I have called you here to decide the successor of ninshū.”
Their eyes flew wide as the words hung heavily in the air, quiet whispers breaking the brief silence, surprise written over the faces of each disciple.
“You mean…”
“So soon, father?”
The Sage chuckled, idly stroking his greying beard. “I’m not getting any younger, you see.”
The atmosphere in the room shifted at his words, taking a somber note. At the rather dismayed looks on his sons’ faces, Hagoromo shook his head.
“Don’t look so glum, I won’t be leaving you two just yet,” he chuckled, bringing a tiny smile to Ashura’s face and cutting through Indra’s obvious brooding. “But the others must know whom shall be leading them towards a brighter future.”
He paused briefly, and the whole room seemed to wait for his next words with baited breath.
I couldn’t really buy into the suspense, though. Pretty hard to do it when you already knew the answer.
“At first, I thought about choosing one,” his ringed eyes briefly flicked towards me, and I dipped my head ever so slightly, “but then I realized that it would’ve been quite foolish of me.”
That sent another brief wave of quiet murmurs through the hall while Ashura shared a brief look with his brother. I tried my best not to chuckle at the surprised look on his face.
The similarly wide eyes among the gathered disciples made it clear than nobody truly expected this.
Silly fools…
No stupid cliches belonged on my perfect timeline.
“Thus, hereby I proclaim both of you, my sons, the inheritors of ninshū!” Hagoromo’s voice boomed throughout the hall, raising another round of whispers in its wake. “The sun and the moon, one side to the other, to complement each other in perfect harmony.”
The declaration hung in the air for a deafeningly quiet moment, before smiles spread among the gathered disciples like wildfire.
The two brothers shared a look, Ashura ever the grinning one, but, this time, nobody could miss the tiny curl at the corner of Indra’s mouth.
“I suppose we have work to do, brother.”
Ashura’s face lit up even further. “After the celebrations, right?”
Indra seemed to consider it for a moment, smile widening a fraction as he gave a curt nod. “After the celebrations.”
A smirk pulled at my face as I watched some of the bolder disciples gather around the brothers to congratulate them.
Maybe I could find myself a vessel and have some fun, too, tonight. One of the village girls was even asking yesterday about the Kokujin, and it would be mighty rude to disappoint her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pale light illuminated the winding path ahead as I walked through the temple garden with the old man at my side, a rather uncomfortable silence hanging between us.
I had a feeling about why he called me here, though I still hoped to be wrong.
“It is time, Zetsu.” His ringed eyes briefly met mine. “Tomorrow, I shall divide all her chakra and create the nine. I won’t have much longer after that.”
His words hung heavily in the air, a brief pang twisting in my chest. He could have waited a little longer. He wasn’t even that old yet. He had the power to become eternal, too, if he truly wanted.
Foolish old man…
A sad smile pulled at the black substance that was my face. “I wish you wouldn’t have to do this, but I understand. I’ll make sure that your sons continue your legacy.”
Hagoromo watched me quietly for a moment, a fleeting smile crossing his aged face, as if a weight just lifted from his shoulders.
“Thank you, Zetsu.”
“You are my brother, too, in a way. The least I can do is watch over your sons.”
The corners of his mouth drew another smile as we kept walking among the gardens.
“When I first saw you, I wasn’t certain what to think,” he said, gaze faraway in an old memory. “Yet, throughout the years, you’ve shown us that you embody the best aspects of our late mother.”
A frown pulled at my face before I even noticed. A chagrined look crossed came to his face, but I just shook my head, pushing a smile back to mine.
Kaguya was a rather touchy topic for us—especially for me—for obvious reasons, but mostly because I didn’t get to touch her pale moon before she went and committed the big stupid.
If I had any lips, they would’ve pursed at the memory.
Alas, why couldn’t I have been born earlier…
Gaze briefly shifting to the full moon above, I pushed the depressing thoughts aside, jaw clenching tightly with resolve.
I was going to fuck the dumb outta her, first chance I had. She was getting backshots for every year she made me wait.
“Mother was… misguided. By her lust for chakra, and by her fear.”
My words hung between us for a quiet moment before Hagoromo came to a stop, his gaze piercing me intently and giving me pause.
“Are you truly certain you can deal with them?”
All levity suddenly vanished from the atmosphere, leaving a shiver to crawl down my back as I met those ringed eyes. Even after all these years, his Rinnegan still terrified a small, subconscious part of me.
I nodded grimly. “Mother showed me glimpses when I was born.”
Hagoromo nodded. “You’ve told me such, many years ago. One of them might still be alive out there, somewhere.”
“Her partner. Isshiki.”
A sigh escaped the old man, mouth drawing a thin line. “His power worries me.”
That eye was hax, but it could be beaten. And knowing the things I knew now, several ways came to mind.
“He is weakened and still recovering. Likely for a long time.”
If we could find him before that, he was cooked. Even finding him before Burrito, and he was still cooked.
“If the descendants of you and your brother’s children fight as one, they stand a good chance. The Ōtsutsuki possess tremendous power, yet too little refinement over it. You’ve seen it with Mother.”
And, if all else failed, mommy Kaguya could just body him again. Canon Zetsu sucked at backseating.
Hagoromo’s mouth drew a thin line. “A mind-boggling amount of raw chakra without finesse.”
I nodded, a sly smile coming to my face. “All we need is to overcome their formidable eyes.” Or jump them when they expected it the least. “Then, we stand a great chance to best them.”
He seemed to consider it for a while, a heavy sigh escaping him. “And we must turn ninshū into a weapon to achieve this.”
Not this shit again…
Ninshū was already a weapon. The strongest out there.
I met his weary gaze with a sad smile. “Your children must have a method to protect themselves, and chakra is the answer.”
“It will inevitably spread far and wide. Wars will be fought because of it. Many would suffer. Many would die.”
Bro, that shit would happen regardless. Wake up to reality, already.
I was tempted to tell him that it would likely turn ten times worse without widespread access to chakra, but I’d rather not sour this last moment between us.
“Such is the nature of man. Even ninshū cannot change everyone. We can only guide them and hope for the best.”
Humans were going to be humans, with or without the alien juice. And they’d be way worse without it.
I’ve seen what world wars looked like between normies back home, and no ninja war could ever top the death tolls of that shit.
“I wish it wouldn’t have to come to this.”
I kinda hoped this guy never figured a way to look at the alternate Earths throughout the multiverse. He might just lose all faith in humanity if he ever did.
“In a perfect world, it wouldn’t.”
Ringed orbs searched my face intently, before a weary sigh quietly escaped the old man. “But our world is flawed.”
Yet still one of the better ones out there.
“Reality is often disappointing, but that only means we must do our best to help shape it in our vision.”
The alien magic aside—which stopped being as cool after the first few decades—this world kinda sucked, but that only meant there was plenty of room to improve it. With Internet, indoors plumbing, maybe some cat-girls.
Hagoromo stepped forward, his gaze steadily holding mine as he laid a hand atop my shoulder. “I leave it to you, Zetsu. Watch over my children. All of them.”
I nodded resolutely. “I’ll protect your legacy, old man.”
Hagoromo studied me for a moment longer, before patting my shoulder, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.
“I have faith in you.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My steps made nary a sound as I walked through the silent shrine, mind far away in thought. It’s only been a day since the old man had passed away, and the entire cul—sect—was still mourning.
I’d spent a few hours with the rest, but the atmosphere became so gloomy I had to get away. I was really not good with this kind of stuff. People kept crying, and I didn’t like to watch crying people. It made me even sadder.
They could cry as much as they wished, but I had to move on.
For my goal. For my true purpose.
Mommy Kaguya’s full moon.
A smile slowly stretched my lips.
I’d low-key wanted to grab the old man’s eyes—he didn’t need them anymore—or at least a piece of his body, but Hagoromo was paranoid enough to literally disintegrate himself as his chakra transcended his body, or whatever weird shit he did while turning into an immortal ghost…
I shook my head with a sigh as I reached the end of the narrow corridor.
Meh. It would’ve made things a lot easier, but I could work without it, too.
Pushing open the door, I stepped inside the dark room, two fiery braziers at the back, casting a flickering light upon a smooth, stone tablet.
Hagoromo’s last words echoed in my mind as I walked closer, a brief pang tightening my chest, but…
There was no other way.
I glanced around idly, eyes narrowed. He was probably watching, but I had to do this anyway. It was for the better, too.
The old man was too sappy.
The shit he wrote on this tablet? Nah. I didn’t want his grandkids to turn into fucking hippies. They’d definitely thank me for this.
I wouldn’t break my promise, but I had to do things my way.
Besides, I had a much better idea, too.
Old man Hagoromo wanted to spread understanding and love with his ninshū, and I was going to help his kids spread all the fucking love.
A brief, quiet chuckle escaped me as I slinked through the dim-lit room.
I’ve monologued enough. I had work to do.
Stopping in front of the stone tablet, I began reading, only to cringe halfway through the second paragraph—
Ew, brother eww.
Even the third time reading this, and it was still just as bad.
Grimacing inwardly, I quickly erased that line with a finger and adjusted it a little.
—and through the union of these two, it is possible to bring the power that The Sage once held. For if the chakra of Indra’s vessel joins with that of Ashura’s, only then would the Eyes of God gaze upon the world once more, and bring true peace among the people.
A smile stretched my face at my handiwork.
I read further through the text, erasing another cringe line.
The hell was bro smoking when he wrote this shit?
Tapping a finger idly against the stone, my smile grew wider as an idea suddenly took root in mind. Oh this was going to be great. Trying my best not to giggle like a child, I started writing.
—for there is no greater love than giving oneself to another. Of sharing one’s mind, body, and spirit with their better half. The sun and the moon, two pieces of the same whole, destined to always be together.
As I kept working on the stone tablet, a raspy chuckle bubbled up my throat.
Fuck the shinobi history. Fuck canon. Fuck the cycle of hatred. And fuck the aliens. Especially Kaguya. We were playing this round my way. I was the only one who could stop this world from going to the shitter, and by Mommy Kaguya was I going to have fun while doing it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author’s Note: I’ll keep this chapter as Patreon exclusive for about a week or so before posting it on QQ, but I made a Discord channel so we can discuss it there in the meanwhile.
Comments
AlexanderBishop
Not sure if he'd take it that far, but we'll see how it goes :D
Arthur Andersen
it whould be funny if zetsu turned into a kenjaku like character talking backshots for the plan
Dale
Yeah but she was running on slivers of the tail beast chakra in that fight. the one with her sons was full power and remember in canon Kurama could casually delete mountains and he was a fragment of Kaguya's power at her height so she jobbed the fight with her sons.
AlexanderBishop
Bro obliterated canon the moment Hagoromo died. The future is going to be a little wild :D
AlexanderBishop
I’m just basing it off what I’ve seen Kaguya do while fighting Naruto and Sasuke in the anime. Just swapping the terrain (which costs a lot of chakra even for her) and spamming portals, chakra fists, and ash bones. Also, Zetsu was trying to convince Hagoromo to stop worrying so much, so he could’ve downplayed Kaguya a little, too.
Vincent Mason
It'll be interesting to see how a positive Zetsu can shape history.
Dale
“If the descendants of you and your brother’s children fight as one, they stand a good chance. The Ōtsutsuki possess tremendous power, yet too little refinement over it. You’ve seen it with Mother.” Slight Issue is that Kaguya didn't really want to kill her children so she jobbed that fight.
ExodiaTheForbiddenOne
Ngl I’d love to see Zetsu and the 9 bijuu just chillin in the mountains maybe get some of those huge pipes the toads have and getting high
