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Book 8, chapters 6, 7, and 8
🕑 Added 2025-04-12 13:58:40 +0000 UTCChapter 6
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Bjorn Lag. Crawler #10,754,418.
Race: Human.
Class: Pulp Mage.
Final level: 60.
Carl. You don’t know who I am, but I have been watching your progress this whole time. I am taking a deal on the 10th. I feel guilty about it, about abandoning all of you who have pushed to get here, but I do not feel guilty enough to stay. Milk says I will be going to sleep once I take the deal, and when I wake, it will be the next season.
What will I wake up to? Will I wake up?
I want you to know something. It’s okay if I don’t wake up. Because if I don’t wake, that means something has gone very, very wrong with this show. And that means you have won. We all know this.
But if I do wake, and it’s time for me to go to work, I believe that means you will probably be dead.
And that is okay too, but I know you will have given them everything you have. That you fought, and that you fought for us. I am forever grateful for all you have sacrificed. If you use this spell, focus on the neck if you want to kill them. Pelvis if you want them to suffer.
Drawing: A picture of an arm in a cast.
Associated Spell: Bone Breaker. Casts at level 12.
~
“One Fine Pig?” Donut asked, incredulous. “What kind of name is that? Also, we didn’t get to name our own team! The Royal Court is a fine name for our party, but as a racing team...”
“Gah!” I called as the entire truck flashed and teleported about fifty feet past the finish line arch, just as I started to brake. Behind me, Mongo screeched in surprise, and Donut let out a yowl.
We teleported to what looked like a long, well-lit tunnel, almost like an airplane runway. Ahead, a light appeared, and I recognized it as our garage. I eased harder on the brakes.
I looked over my shoulder, and I could see that the bugbear’s minivan had disappeared, but the trailer and the chains we used to affix their van to the trailer remained. The chains clattered on the ground all around the trailer, making a loud rattle.
I pulled us into the cavernous garage, pulling forward far enough to get the trailer inside.
Entering Your G-G-G-Garage.
Heat two starts in 10 hours and six minutes.
Heat two details are now available in your GPS.
Congratulations on surviving heat one. You may now choose an upgrade for your vehicle. See your mechanic for details.
“Did you hear that?” Donut asked as I put the truck into park. “The AI voice is getting all weird and glitchy.”
“Yeah,” I said. “It was like that a little near the end of the last floor, too.”
We just sat there for a moment. Across the way, Hedy the mechanic started jogging toward us. The garage door squeaked as it closed.
Behind us, Mongo started to growl. He was growling at Hedy who was inspecting the trailer we’d made.
“No, Mongo. She’s a friend.”
The moment Donut said that, Mongo burst out the back of the truck, causing the doors to fly open. He jumped off the trailer and started bouncing all around the small mechanic who’d fallen on her ass at the sight of the dinosaur.
The GPS unit beeped. I looked at the unit, and the female voice spoke.
Limited details on the next race are now available.
Distance: 10 kilometers.
Distance to next rest area or refueling pit stop: This heat does not have any pit stops.
Track: asphalt-paved road. Rolling hills.
There are two paths for this race. You will be assigned one of two paths at random.
Tasks required to complete: Each path is of equal length. Each path has a gatekeeper monster along that path that must be killed to resume.
Special Rules: Your vehicle may only travel your assigned path, but you will be able to see and interact with and may possibly cross over other paths, including the paths of other heats all together.
Environment: Torrential downpour of rain and giant hail.
Hazards: Well, we have the hail and the gatekeeper monster, whatever that might be. But I’d suggest that our biggest hazard is the fact that this bucket has to be driven by a fucking cat this time.
Time Limit: 3 hours.
“Hey!” Donut cried. “Carl, why is the GPS thing a jerk?” She paused. “But she is right. How the heck am I supposed to drive this thing?”
I laughed despite myself.
“We have ten hours to figure it out. It sounds like we can hire drivers, too. So maybe we can get Rosetta or Dong or one of the other strippers to do it. And if not, maybe there’s an upgrade that’ll allow you to drive. Or we can rig something up ourselves.”
I read the rules for heat two again. “The time limit is halved, but the distance is way shorter.” I remembered how easily Donut had taken out the manatee and how easily the other manatees had been taken out by the other drivers. I wondered if that was going to be the case here.
I opened the door and slid out onto the floor of the garage, followed soon by Donut.
Mongo was on his back like a dog, waving his tail back and forth while Hedy scratched him under his wings. I pulled Rend out, and the meatball made a “wow” sound as he looked about the large garage. Mongo jumped to his feet and Rend bounded toward him.
Hedy stood and tapped the trailer. “Helping the other drivers, I see,” she said. “Almost pulled the whole back bumper off.” She did not sound like she approved.
“If we didn’t, then there would’ve been two teams that didn’t finish,” I said. “I’m trying to avoid that if possible.”
She made a noncommittal grunt and started to walk in a circle around the van.
“How did she drive? Haven’t had a real chance to inspect her yet.”
“Kinda slow, but faster than I was expecting. We’ll need to remove all the kitchen gear in the back. And for god’s sake, we gotta take that gun off the roof. It blocks my view.”
She nodded. “We gots some guidelines about what we can and can’t change from the original design, but the rules are as clear as a troll’s ballsack. Won’t know ‘till we try it. Basically, at the end of the race the truck gets regenerated back to its form at the beginning of the race, so I think we can do it. Won’t know until we try. First thing’s first, we gotta pick your upgrade.” She produced a tablet device that looked bizarrely incongruous in the hands of a gremlin. “Lots and lots to choose from. Next time make sure you comes in first place so we get better choices.”
“Do you know the rules about crew members and if they can drive or not?” I asked. “Can we get someone else to drive for the next heat? Otherwise, the first thing we pick needs to be something that’ll allow Donut to drive.”
“Aye,” she said. “You can add up to three reserve members each heat, and each one is assigned a role. Driver, engineer, and gunner. More if you get certain upgrades. But they can’t be in your crew two heats in a row. There’s a bar out there in Hungry Eyes where you can hire ‘em. Be careful though. Some of ‘em ain’t too savory of characters, if you know what I mean. I reckon all the best ones already been snatched up since you two took your sweet fine time getting here. And remember, crew is crew. So if they start the race with you, they gotta end the race with you or it don’t count as finishing the race. Not unless they dead. So be careful who you bring with you.”
“What about mercenaries we’ve already hired?”
She nodded. “You can use ‘em. Same rules, though.”
Donut: WE WILL NOT BE BRINGING SAMANTHA WITH US FOR ANY RACE. SHE HAS THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A CORNISH REX. SHE WILL GET US KILLED.
Carl: Yeah, no arguments there. We can’t bring her or any of the sluggalos.
Hedy continued. “I’d still design a backup driving system for Princess Donut here. Even if you gots a full crew, you’ll always want one of you available to drive in case something happens. Best if it’s something removeable that you bring with you. I’m sure there might be something in the upgrades list, but it’d be a waste if we can jig up something on our own.”
I nodded. I was already thinking of things I could build on the engineering table. Katia could...
I paused, and a wave of sadness washed over me. She’s okay. She’s out of the dungeon. She’s probably more safe than we are. I took a breath. Mordecai for sure could help. I thought of the video game controller he’d made for Ruby the changeling girl with no arms.
“Okay,” I said. “So what do you recommend?”
She pulled up the tablet and pressed it. A screen popped up. “First three races we got paved roads guaranteed, but after that, we could get anything. Mechanical is always better than biological, and I wasn’t lying about that when you picked me. But the big advantage the beasties got is maneuverability. Every single heat is going to add some obstacle, and by heat 4, your regular tires ain’t gonna be able to handle it. So my recommendation is the first thing we get is an upgrade for mobility. We gots a few choices.”
She clicked her pad, and a list of choices appeared on the screen.
“My goodness,” Donut said, peering at the images. The first showed the truck with spider legs and the caption Retractable Legs. The next had no wheels at all, but the truck hovered right off the ground like something out of Star Wars. That was called Hover Upgrade. A third choice zoomed in on the tires, showing dozens of tiny tendrils sticking out of the rubber. All Terrain Tire Upgrade, including Vertical Climb.
“And we can only get one of these?” I asked. “What if I build something like this in the engineering table?”
Hedy snorted. “No magic upgrades allowed outside the official upgrades. Good luck building something like that between heats. A driver system for the Princess is one thing, but something like those tires or the hover? Not gonna happen. Unless you’re smarter than you look.”
“What about speed upgrades? Or armor? Are those available?”
“We gots hundreds of upgrades. But these are my recommendations. Spider legs are my best pick, but the others is good, too. Hover don’t do vertical climb, but it makes you almost twice as fast and it comes with an engine upgrade. No more of that ancient gas engine. The other two come with vertical climb, which you might need pretty soon. Spider legs can be turned on only when you need it, and they can climb on walls, but you’ll only use it when you need to go over an obstacle. The legs are fast, but not as fast as the truck under normal conditions, and they’re not made to be turned on the whole time. The tire upgrade is good because it’ll keep you from slipping and sliding and it’ll be always active, but it comes with a 25% reduction in speed. And your tires are at a fixed distance. You get hung up on something, the tires ain’t gonna help. Yeah, they’ll climb a wall, but your truck is shaped like a box. You gotta get the tires to touch the wall in the first place. If we was paying actual money for these upgrades, the hover would be the most expensive by far. But I still think the spider legs is the best.”
“Hmm,” I said, thinking. “Can I look at some of the other choices?”
“Knock yourself batty,” she said, handing the tablet to me. “Remember, if you don’t survive, I don’t survive, so I ain’t gonna steer you wrong. But there are lots of choices. Just don’t pick anything weird without talking to me first, and I’ll tell you why my choice is better.”
I swiped through, looking at the selections. She wasn’t wrong. There had to be over a thousand options. There was a tab for Golden Upgrades which I couldn’t see at all. I knew the first place team, One Fine Pig, had the option to either pick one of those or three regular upgrades. We needed to figure out what all the other teams were.
My eyes focused on some of the weapons we could add. There was a rolling barrel of spikes, like the goblin murder dozer from the very first floor. A flamethrower. An EMP-like pulse that disabled other drivers and mounts. A device that would plant a literal brick wall on the road behind you.
I felt a chill. We could probably avoid killing other teams if we really worked on it, but keeping them from killing each other? It was going to be impossible. This was going to be worse than the card battles on the 8th floor. We’d weeded out most of the assholes by now, but would that matter? What would happen if we ended up in a race versus Imani and Elle? I didn’t even want to think about it, but we had to prepare ourselves for it. Zhang said Li Na had killed most of the other teams already. Crawler versus crawler races were inevitable.
It was going to get ugly.
Hedy saw me eyeing the weapons and added, “Don’t pick one of those yet. You’ll need ‘em, but it’ll probably be a few heats before the panic really seeps into their bones. Speaking of, you say you have some mercenaries? Best park some here with me to keep me and your truck safe. Safe room rules apply in Hungry Eyes itself, but not in the garages. Only a matter of time before someone tries to sabotage us or tries to give me a draconian necklace.” She made a slicing motion across her own neck.
I went back and read the full description of the spider legs. It added four panels to each side of the truck that I could deploy
I handed the tablet back to her. “Pick the spider legs, but I want to prioritize armor—specifically armor that will protect us from some of the more popular weapons on here. That and speed. We’ll see about coming in first place if we can.”
The gremlin grinned up at me, revealing a sharp, gap-toothed smile.
“Sexy and smart,” she said. She slapped my butt with the tablet.
I started to say something, but my eyes fixed on a pair of doors on the wall, side by side. One led to our saferoom, and the other led to Hungry Eyes. We needed to explore this town as soon as possible, but we had a lot of things to do at the saferoom, too.
Mordecai: Guys, I just realized something. Put Rend away before you enter the saferoom. Or leave him in your garage.
Carl: Why?
Mordecai: Trust me on this one. I’ll explain when you get inside.
“Rend,” I called. I looked up and realized I didn’t know where he or Mongo had gone. The last I’d seen them, they and were running in circles around Hedy.
It didn’t take long to find them. The truck was shaking back and forth. Mongo’s tail appeared out the back. This was followed by a loud giggling.
“Hey! Get out of there!” I called.
Rend appeared, popping his head out of the back of the truck. I didn’t even know how he fit in there, especially with Mongo. The truck was big, but the kitchen took up a lot of space.
“Stay out of the truck!”
Rend giggled again, and this time several objects fell out of his mouth, clattering on the trailer. From behind, Mongo screeched with joy. The truck shook more as he turned himself around, and his tail pressed against the horn.
“Make way for the bigshot!”
I examined the items that had dropped out of Rend’s mouth. French fries. Frozen French fries. There was a stocked freezer in there somewhere, and they’d found it.
“Carl, your creature is a terrible influence! Mongo, get down this instant!”
Both Mongo and Rend tumbled out of the back of the truck. Mongo had a plastic bag in his mouth. He shook it violently, tossing frozen chicken patties like frisbees across the garage. He dropped the plastic bag and shrieked in outrage.
“Well,” I said to Hedy. “Meet your two bodyguards until we get some others in here.”
Chapter 7
Entering your saferoom.
Warning. Blood Bar is now in effect. You start with a full bar, but you are now on a timer. You may only spend 10 hours in the saferoom. You may refill the blood bar by killing things.
“Holy shit, Mordecai,” I said upon seeing the creature floating in the middle of the saferoom holding a steaming cup of tea.
“My goodness,” Donut said, looking the grim reaper character up and down. “This is quite unsettling. It’s like what would happen if Orren ever discovered Depeche Mode.”
Mordecai floated about a foot off the ground, and he towered over me. He was a grim reaper-style monster, but with really long arms, reminding me of the clowns from the second floor. He had desiccated, undead-like hands. His dark, canvas-like robes floated lazily in the air. Like Orren, his black hood covered his head, and I couldn’t see anything inside except the occasional hint of a reflection.
I could see now why he’d asked Rend to stay behind. One of Rend’s weaknesses was something called “Reaper Gaze.” I examined him.
Mordecai. Level 50. Moon Reaper.
Manager of Princess Donut.
From a dark, terrifying corner of Sheol, Moon Reapers are one of several different types of janitor mobs that occupy the 15th floor. They sometimes break free and wander other floors, devouring everything in their path and causing absolute chaos wherever they go. While they have a corporeal form, they are basically spirit creatures. Even the princes of hell fear these strange, solitary beings.
Don’t remove their hoods. Don’t provoke them. They are not hostile unless attacked. Their gaze attack can come in many forms. That includes inflicting the dreaded Jaunt sickness, one of the most insidious attacks in Dungeon Crawler World. It is a condition where the inflicted is trapped in time. They have their full faculties, but they perceive each second as if it is the length of 30 years.
“I’m actually not a Moon Reaper, but a...” Before he finished, he suddenly thrust forward, causing me to jump. His black hood fell back, revealing not a skull, but an enormous eyeball where his head should be. A flaming eyeball. His cup of tea fell to the floor and shattered.
“Death awaits you at every turn,” Mordecai croaked with a deep, heavy voice filled with grit, different than the already scary voice he was just using. “The shadows reach even now for a porous soul such as yours. It is unquenchable, this thirst. You are reached for by both sides. Who will entwine you? The tree or the abyss?”
“What the shit?” I asked as Donut yowled and jumped to my shoulder.
He turned to Donut, raising a skeletal hand. I took a step back, but my back hit the door. “And you. The edges are more clear, yet still uncertain. A sacrifice might save you, in the end. It might, if you accept it. It will be the darkest decision ever made. How many lives? How many souls? The veil is made of gossamer, and when it is done, their gaze, their rage will be eternal. You should remember that, Oakfell Champion of Nekhebit.”
“I’m sorry, but I really need to wee right now, and I would much rather do it in the powder room than upon Carl’s shoulder, so can you please go back to normal?”
Mordecai coughed. He floated back. “Oh damn, did I drop my tea again? I hate this form. Sorry about that.” He quickly pulled his hood up, but there were still a few flames on the eyeball head, and the hood itself caught on fire. He reached up and casually patted the fire on his own head out.
“Uh, Mordecai,” I said. “What the hell was that?”
Mordecai fuzzed and reappeared. He flashed and became the Canadian version of himself from the previous floor, just for a second. He appeared like that as he floated a good two feet off the floor, and he let out a yelp. He glitched again on the way down, and when he hit the floor, he turned into a scraggly black and white cat, which caused Donut to hiss. He hissed back at her, but his mouth opened huge, and then he flipped to an otter shape, then a massive slug, before he jolted back to the reaper shape. He fuzzed for a second but settled on the reaper.
“Goddamn this form. It’s not natural. It’s an impossible combo, and that’s why it’s glitching.”
The cleaner bot was already at work, quietly cleaning up the tea. The room stank like smoke.
From around the corner, I saw Splash Zone and Rosetta standing there, peeking out of the training room, watching. Samantha was there, too, on the ground with Bigs right next to her. I knew Tipid was in the training room, too, but he was probably asleep. Mordecai said he spent most of his time curled on the floor, sleeping.
“Mordecai, darling,” Donut said. “Are you aware of what just happened?”
“Aw, shit. Did I do it again?” He looked over his shoulder at the others hiding around the corner.
I grunted. “We lost you for a second. You were spouting some Nostradamus bullshit. It was like the same sort of creepy shit Robot Donut would say.”
“Oh, damn,” he said. “I’m sorry about that. That’s something Moon Reapers do. It’ll only happen once for each of you.” He paused. “It doesn’t make sense. I’m not really a Moon Reaper. I’m a shadow mimic. Mimics only take on the shape of the creature. Changelings can get some of the powers, though. That’s why it’s glitching, I think.”
“A shadow mimic?” I asked. “What the hell is that? How is that different than a regular mimic?”
“There are three basic types of shapeshifters in the dungeon. Changelings, Doppelgangers, and Mimics. Most other shapeshifters are variations of one of those three. Shadow Mimics are generally pretty evil, highly intelligent mimics that can copy the shape of anything nearby. The thing is, shadow mimics and changelings are mortal enemies. It makes changelings violently ill just to touch one, while shadow mimics think changelings are delicious.”
“Uh,” Donut said, looking about. “So there’s one of those flaming eyeball things nearby?”
“They’ll be here somewhere on the floor,” he said. “So be careful with Rend. This was the first form it took, so it’ll try to stick to this one. I think.”
Donut let out a harrumph. “Well as long as you’re done being weird and you don’t go back to a tuxedo cat, then I suppose it’s okay. I can see you as an American shorthair, yes. But certainly not with tuxedo coloring. You don’t have the audacity to try to pull that off.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Mordecai said.
Rosetta hesitantly approached. She was giving Mordecai a wary glance. Samantha had retreated back into the training room.
“We should probably keep you sequestered from the others for this floor,” Rosetta said to Mordecai. She looked at me. “It seems he does that ‘glitching’ each time a different race gets near him for the first time. When Bigs wandered in, I was afraid we’d lost him totally.”
“He told me I was going to drown in fire,” Bigs the sluggalette said, slithering into the room. She swung her head hatchet around a few times. “If this mothafacko wasn’t on the don’t chop list, he’d be getting the kneecap treatment. And I didn’t hear what he said to Samantha, but he made her cry.”
“Listen,” Mordecai said. “Nobody give too much stock to anything I might spout. There’s no such thing as predicting the future here. It’s always vague bullshit that can be twisted to fit whatever happens. If someone could accurately predict things like that, it would, well it would change everything. This stuff is designed to be scary, not true.”
Bigs grunted. “You told Splash Zone he was gonna die screaming while his family watched.”
“Yeah, man,” Splash Zone called from the door to the training room. “You really freaked me out.”
“Again,” Mordecai said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
I was about to ask more, but we were interrupted. Donut let out an excited gasp but then hissed. I turned to see her atop the mailbox in the corner of the room with the little door open. A spellbook had crawled out on its own, trailing slime. It rushed across the room like an escaped rat. It scurried into the kitchen and started banging against the cabinets.
“Look, look, another hat! And there’s a hat for Mongo. And one for Rend, too!”
“Somebody catch that book!” Mordecai shouted. “They can break if they injure themselves too much!”
The cleaner bot let out an angry shrill and rushed to the kitchen. It swooped down, picked up the book, brought it to me, and dropped it in my arms. I grasped it as it continued to struggle.
“Gah,” I said as it started spew slime down the front of my shirt.
“What is it? What is it?” Donut demanded, hopping over to me.
The book wriggled, and it was covered in little legs. It was oozing a clear liquid all over my arms.
“What the hell,” I said, holding it out. I examined it. “It’s a spellbook called Oozy Form.”
“Uzi form?” Donut asked, brightening. “Like Uzi Jesus? I get a gun!” She gasped. “Can I combine it with my Prehistoric Form spell? I could be like a sabertooth tiger with a mounted gun!”
“Not Uzi,” I said. “Oozy. With an O. Like slimy. You can turn into a slime.” The spellbook spooged more slime onto me. It made a little groan.
Donut scoffed. “Well that’s quite disappointing. Why would I ever want that?”
“It’s a great spell,” Mordecai said. “It’s a special edition, so it’ll train faster, too. You can do all sorts of things with it. You can slip between cracks. Turn into a puddle on the floor. It’s great as a defensive and camouflage spell. But it’s kinda like phase, too. Just make sure you’re someplace safe when it runs out. At level 15, you can stay in the form indefinitely, but before then, be careful.”
“That is absolutely disgusting, and I am never going to do that,” Donut said.
I put the wriggling book on the kitchen counter. It shook, trying to crawl away. It continued to spew thick, clear liquid all over the counter. Mordecai swooped in with a vial and took some.
“This is a good one,” I said, holding the book down. “You don’t have to use it a lot, but it’ll be good for an emergency. Read it before you give the cleaner bot a heart attack.”
The cleaner bot gave a shrill beep.
Donut jumped to the table and gave the ooze a suspicious sniff. “My Smoke Form spell that comes with my Assassin of Sekhmet class this floor is better. It’s a phase-style spell. Why don’t you take the Oozy spell?”
“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” Mordecai said. “Carl, your Gloom Wraith Phase is an attack and forces you in a direction, so it’s not useful as a travel spell. If you take this, both you and Donut can equally slip through and around obstacles much more easily.”
“Really?” I asked. “Wait, what else do you have that’s new, Donut?”
“Oh, it’s just fantastic. I got all sorts of goodies. In addition to all those weird create tree and summon vermin spells I got from that Oak fell thing, the assassin class also comes with that Smoke Form spell, Death Ray, and I got my first aura! It’s called Healer’s Grasp, and if you’re near me, you get healed! I don’t know why an assassin might need to heal people, but that’s what I got. I’m like a mini Imani! I also have something called Prehistoric Form. And don’t forget I also have two Celestial boxes to open, and that’s before I look at some of my new achievements, so I must insist we get this moving.”
Mordecai pushed the cleaner bot aside as he pulled a second vial out and gathered more of the ooze from the book. “Be very careful with Death Ray as it’s very dangerous. If it so much as grazes Carl or Mongo, you could kill them outright. It comes out wide. Your Prehistoric Form is only level 5, so it’ll only last a minute. Be careful with that one, too. Does it say in the description what you’ll turn into?”
“No. It says it reveals itself the first time I cast it! Will I turn into a sabertooth tiger or something? That’d be amazing as long as I turn back afterward!”
“You might want to test it out so you know,” Mordecai said. “But not in here. And make sure nobody is around. It’s not a berserking form, so you should have your full faculties, though you won’t be able to use your inventory or cast other spells when you’ve changed form. But others might freak out and think you’re a mob. It could be anything.”
“A sabertooth tiger would be so tight,” Bigs said from the floor. “I get dibs on riding you into battle.”
“You most certainly will not be riding me!”
The book I had pressed against the table made a strange, squealing noise and more goo squirted out. The cleaning bot continued to complain.
“Sorry,” I said. I grasped the book in both hands, and I applied it, learning Oozy Form. “Okay, okay. That’s done.” I looked at the cleaner bot. “Sorry, buddy. Also, when we get a chance, I have a girlfriend for you in my inventory. I think we might give her to the guildhall main room or another saferoom though.” I had stolen a similar cleaner bot from Architect Houston’s castle on the previous floor. But Mordecai had warned that he wanted to look at it first, so we’d deal with that when we had more time.
The cleaner bot gave an intrigued beep.
Chapter 8
I turned to Donut. “What accessories did you get?”
She did a little, excited hop. “Look at this!”
Her tiara disappeared, and an Egyptian-style, beaded headdress appeared atop her head. It was something one would see on Cleopatra. Red, yellow, and orange beads cascaded down either side of her face. The colors matched her fur.
“Isn’t it just divine? I’ll drain it of its magic for my tiara of course, but it’s just beautiful as is. It calls it a veil even though it doesn’t cover my face.” She pulled out a little mirror and started shaking her head back and forth. The beads clacked as she moved. “Just exquisite.”
Enchanted hat item. The Assassin’s Veil.
This is a unique item.
Warning: This item may only be worn by a female.
Warning: This item may only be worn by a feline-class species.
Worn by those in the court of the goddess Sekhmet, this beaded headdress warns off strangers who might think to do harm to the bearer.
Wearing this item imbues the following benefits.
Plus 10% to dexterity.
The Precognition Benefit. Warns wearer if someone nearby is preparing an offensive or binding spell or readying a skill.
Warning: Enemies of Sekhmet will be automatically hostile to you if you wear this in their presence.
“It’s a great item,” Mordecai said. “But if you transfer that over to your tiara, those conditions will also transfer over. The female and cat thing aren’t an issue, but the enemy of Sekhmet might be a problem because the goddess Sekhmet is most definitely going to be under Odette’s thumb by now which means all of Odette’s enemies will be hostile toward you. And knowing Odette, that’s going to mean pretty much everybody. Let me do some research first before you drain it.”
“What were the other hats?” I asked. “The ones for Mongo and Rend? Can we drain those, too?”
“We will not be stealing Mongo’s new hat’s powers,” Donut said.
“We can’t anyway,” Mordecai said. “Both are labeled as pet accessories.”
Two more items appeared on the table. One was a fabric hat with shiny blue and gold stripes on it. It had two wide bands on either side that were designed to hang down, almost like large, floppy ears. It was the same sort of hat a pharaoh would wear, though it looked more like something from a cheap costume shop than the real deal. I knew it was something called a nemes. That was clearly meant for Mongo. The other was more a headband than a hat. It was just a red piece of fabric, Rambo style. But when you looked more closely, the rich, red fabric was covered with an intricate pattern that I couldn’t quite make out. I examined the items. They both did almost the same thing with a few differences.
Enchanted hat. The Nemes of Pestilence.
This item may only be equipped by a pet.
This item may only be equipped if a member in this pet’s party has the class Assassin of Sekhmet.
It’s not racist if it’s being worn by a hamster.
Equipping this item to an eligible pet will imbue the following properties:
Eternal Protector of Rage. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain 2X strength if it is within three meters of the Assassin of Sekhmet and the assassin’s health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.
Bringer of Death. Bites from this pet have a 75% chance to inflict the Cruel Sepsis debuff.
The thing would look absolutely ridiculous on Mongo’s head, but that Eternal Protector benefit was worth it. I examined the second item that we would give to Rend.
Enchanted headband. The Wrap of Sekhmet’s Compassion.
This item may only be equipped by a pet.
This item may only be equipped if a member in this pet’s party has the class Assassin of Sekhmet.
Eternal Protector of Health. Pet will become temporarily invulnerable and will gain the Heal Party Member skill if it is within three meters of the Assassin of Sekhmet and the assassin’s health is below 10%. Invulnerability will last 60 seconds and can only trigger once per day.
Bringer of Resurrection. Fatal bites from this pet have a 75% chance to cast a level-10 Raise Bootlicker on the corpse.
“Holy hell,” I said. “These are fantastic.”
“How come I didn’t get no hat?” Bigs asked.
“You’re not a pet,” I said. “You’re technically a mercenary.”
“Actually,” Mordecai said. “I suspect if we make it to the 11th floor, Donut’s Former Child Actor class might come with mercenary accessories, too.”
“I’m still not clear how Donut can have multiple classes,” Rosetta said. “Tipid was just asking about this.”
“It’s god shit,” Bigs said.
Mordecai made a grunt, which sounded more like a growl.
“She’s not wrong. Both the Champion of Nekhebit and the OakFell class are tied to gods. I don’t really understand it all myself. Mistress Tiatha was saying the multi-class system used to be a thing in the Land War seasons.”
“It’s scary stuff,” Splash Zone added. He rubbed his stomach and then gave me a pointed look. I sighed. The otter stripper had finally entered the room and gotten himself up on the counter. He wanted a bowl of chowder. Ever since my food boxes started going wonky, I started giving a bowl to him every day. I moved to the lunch box and typed in a cheeseburger. It beeped. I opened the door, and a steaming bowl of soup filled with a crumbled-up breakfast sausage sandwich sat there, only now it appeared burned to a crisp.
“What the hell,” I muttered. “It’s getting worse.” I still needed to eat from the boxes at least once a day to get the buffs, but this was getting ridiculous. All of my food boxes were now infected and broken.
“I’ll still eat it,” Splash Zone said.
Donut wasn’t paying attention to any of this. She was going through her achievements. She kept grunting with annoyance. She’d already read the achievements that had come with her War Crime spell, which resulted in two Celestial boxes. Apparently one was a Celestial Slap-Chop Box and the other was a Celestial Godslayer box. She also had a separate Lorena Bobbitt box, but that was just a legendary.
“Most of my achievements were quite rude,” she said. “I received several achievements for leveling up, including one for getting to 100, but it said my accomplishment was reward enough! I have 40 boxes, but almost all are just bronze adventurer boxes. I did get one more legendary box, though, for winning Faction Wars. That achievement was rude, too. It’s called a Default Winner box.”
“Open them now, and then I’ll do mine,” I said. “We’ll hit the showers, hit the beds, reset our buffs, feed the shrine, and then we’ll get back out there. I need to work out how we’re going to deal with engineering you a driving system, but we also need to conserve our blood bar time. I might drag the engineering table into the garage once we’re sure we can keep the garage secure. Imani and Elle are already out there in the town, and they’re saying it’s a bit wild out there. There are supposedly saferoom rules on the town, but there’s some weirdness with all that I guess. We need to figure it all out.”
I was putting off opening my own boxes and achievements. I didn’t know if I’d get a celestial or not, but I did know that fan box was waiting for me, and I knew part of what was in it already.
Donut already had her boxes running. It was a line of them, reaching all the way to the back of the room. She was absolutely quivering with excitement. She still had the Mongo hat thing out and on the table, and I knew she just wanted to get back out into the garage to put it on him. But she gasped again at the sight of the four boxes at the end of her line.
The Default Winner box took on the shape of the funnel of Larracos, spinning. The legendary Bobbitt box came in the form of a giant, 7-11 hotdog bag for some reason. The Slap-Chop Box was a quivering, golden blanket that sparkled as it fluttered through the room like a magic carpet. The final one, the celestial Godslayer box was just a cloud of black smoke.
“Did you see what Justice did,” Rosetta asked me as Donut worked through her boxes.
“I did, but I don’t understand what he really did. I don’t understand what happened afterward.”
“Nobody knows, I don’t think,” Rosetta said. “This floor it might not matter so much, but maybe.” She lowered her head for a moment. “It’s a shame. Justice and Tipid were such good friends, but Tipid doesn’t even remember him now. Maybe it’s for the better.”
“It’s weird,” I whispered. Across the way, Donut grunted as she received a pile of Heal Pet scrolls. She already had that spell at level 15. “It feels odd, like the AI is trying really hard to pretend it’s just a normal level. But there’s something in the air, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. It feels wrong.”
She nodded. “I feel it, too.” She turned to Mordecai. “Why didn’t Donut get a laurel leaf?” Rosetta asked. I knew a laurel leaf was the game’s version of a player killer skull, but for killing a god.
“Prepotente didn’t get one, either, when he killed that turkey god,” Mordecai said. “I’m assuming it’s because both were Nothing gods. It’s good she didn’t get one. It marks her for death by all gods except the enemies of the dead one. The only true deity to die so far this season was Ysalte at the end of the eighth floor, and she was killed by that crawler who’d been turned to a card.”
“His name was Paz,” I said. “He killed the god using Katia’s bolt of Ophiotaurus.”
“Did you get that from her?” Mordecai asked. “I know she didn’t get a chance to empty her inventory.”
“Donut has it,” I said. “You’re right, though. She didn’t get to drop all her equipment, but we got most of the important things.”
“Yeah, that reminds me,” Mordecai said. “The guild hall is filled with donated gear. There’s some good stuff in there. Mistress Tiatha is cataloging all of it right now. We can start selling a lot of it off, or farming it if it’s small enough for Donut to eat.”
“It’s not just for us. We should dole it out based on need,” I said. “We also need to catalog all the spells in the book of Voodoo, and Donut and I both have individual ones, too, that we need to catalog. The spells in there are useless if I can’t get to them quickly.”
Donut continued to go through her boxes one by one. She appeared to mostly be receiving piles of crappy clothes and different types of healing scrolls. But then she started receiving something new. A green scroll that clanked heavily to the table, as if it was made of metal.
“Emergency Gremlin,” she asked, scoffing after the new scroll appeared. The next several boxes contained only that, and suddenly she had like 20 of them. “Why do I need so many emergency gremlins?”
“It’s a summoning scroll, like with Bautista’s toys,” Mordecai said. “They can fix your vehicle if it breaks down mid-race. With your brain trust skill, they’ll either be smarter or you might get two instead of one.”
Donut hissed again as more of the scrolls appeared. “There’s only seven more races. If we need 100 gremlins, then we probably have bigger problems.”
Finally, we got to the good stuff.
Her Default Victory box contained a spellbook that quickly disappeared. This one was the normal kind.
I wasn’t quite sure what the exact achievement was for the Lorena Bobbitt box, but it clearly involved something with Meatus. Though she got a separate box one for killing him as well. The 7-11 wrapper dripped imaginary blood as the magical bag peeled back to reveal a quiver with handful of glittering crossbow bolts
“They’re so sparkly!” Donut said.
There were about ten of them. I snatched one up before they disappeared.
The celestial Slap Chop box started dancing around the room as I examined the bolt.
Enchanted crossbow bolt. The Danforth.
This bolt does no physical damage. However, anyone hit with it will be anchored in place for (two minutes X your crossbow skill level). More specifically, the area of their body that is hit with the bolt will be anchored in place. If they happen to be moving at the time, the physics involved might get a little ... messy.
“Hell yeah,” I said. “Donut, what’s your crossbow skill?”
“Carl, you’re ruining it! We talk about the gear after the boxes open!”
The yellow blanket thing formed into an origami swan and then opened, revealing a plain, silver crupper similar in appearance to the one she was already wearing, though this was made of fine chainmail as opposed to larger scales.
“Holy fucking shit,” Mordecai exclaimed before it disappeared.
“What was it?” I asked. The last Celestial box already started to form.
“I didn’t see the abilities yet, but it’s a matching item to her champion cloak. It’s called the Crupper of the Benevolent Champion.”
“I’m assuming that’s a good thing.”
“Very good,” Mordecai said.
“Stop talking!” Donut called as the last item approached. This was the smoky god slayer box.
The smoke billowed, suddenly filling the whole room. Then it formed into the shape of Meatus the god just as a smoky paw slammed down upon it. The smoke turned red before dissipating.
“Oh gods,” Rosetta muttered. “I can still taste it.”
The spell didn’t leave anything behind. There was no physical reward.
“Carl,” Donut said, staring down at her forward right paw. Her voice was filled with fear. This was the same paw she’d used for the War Crime spell. “Something’s happening.” Her paw started to glow.
“It’s okay,” Mordecai said, leaning forward. Wisps of smoke occasionally rose from his hood. “It’ll be okay, little one. I know what this is. It might hurt for a second, but it’ll be a good thing.”
“Ow, ow,” she said. “It hurts.”
She stretched her paw out, and she flexed so her claws appeared.
The kitchen table ripped in half.
~
Thanks all for your support! Didn't quite get to Carl's stuff, but it's mostly written. It's a delicate balance getting this right. And Mordecai, too, this book. If you've been reading Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret, you'll know more about Shadow Mimics. This and the next two chapters have been...a process. These loot chapters are getting more and more complicated each book. I'm going to be adding a book of boom chapter or two to the sections before this section. When I do, I may give them their own post.
~ END SPOILERS
Thanks to all of you in NYC who came out the other night to the Strand Event! Next event is Las Vegas!
Comments
Rae
I'm so hooked. Why do I need to sleep?! All I want is to just keep reading.
Corey
Please mention the shrine a bit more. It was barely talked about in Book 7 and Carl certainly should have racked up some buffs by now for continued dontations
Alexander Nguyen
lol nice to see you finally refer to laracos as a "funnel" instead of an "inverted cone"... lmao... i spent most of that book picturing the city as an ant hill until you mentioned the river
KingVE0
Wow, it seems something is going on with the AI, maybe due to justice lights actions but it is glitching out, I could see it getting worse critically as the floor reaches it's climax
Immortal R.C.
Also, you say it is for the better, but should probably be for the best
Brian Jones
It never occurred to me what would happen to characters in stasis between floors should the game come to an end. Glad you tossed this issue. I hope we get to see how Katia is on the surface. Hopefully she's on a bad-ass crusade for the children.
Gary
It's always fun trying to see what possible synergies might become possible from new loot, which I suppose is what makes these chapters take so much planning to write. Now that Carl has Oozy Form, there is a completely batshit insane thing that he might be able to pull off, but there's only extremely circumstantial evidence that it could be possible, and we just don't have enough information to know for sure. It hinges on the Primal race, which we know very little about. Real life Primals are already pretty mysterious, but we do know that they are collective minds. We don't know that much about how collective minds work, but we briefly saw the system AI "split off" to take Growler Gary into a zero zone. We saw Agatha's point of view, showing us a little about what it's like to be a collective mind, but we don't really know how they physically peel off and split. Maybe, since they have Gondii-like bodies, they just cut themselves in half like how some real life worms can reproduce via fragmentation. We don't really know how closely the in-game version of the Primal race mirrors the real life version, but according to Victory they supposedly have a "communal nature" whatever that means, which might indicate there is something special about it that we aren't yet aware of. So what I'm getting at, the idea that Carl may be able to act as a collective mind, doesn't have any hard evidence backing it. There's a lot of ifs and maybes here. But assuming it were possible, Oozy Form (which would probably have to be level 15 or higher, good thing it's Special Edition) could facilitate the physical part of the split. An extremely high Mind Balance skill might be needed to facilitate the mental portion. This power would be pretty OP, and would also make for some interesting drama. Is it wrong to split off a baby you just so that it can get itself killed? And who knows how the system would handle it regarding who is considered a minion and who is considered a crawler, who gets the inventory, etc. Also, this would combo crazy well with the lucky clover patch that lets him redirect a lethal blow to a party member.
Dev Testing
Is the jaunt longer than you think? I love it.
PD Doling
Loving the SK Jaunt reference!!
David K. Storrs
Is this intended? > entry book="" boom.="" carl="" from="" of="">
PerfectYarn
While we're waiting, does anyone have predictions for achievements/lootbox items?
Matthew Lawson
Anyone watching the alarm trap spotify? I think Biggs is going to be on the crew soon.
Ryan Petre
Let's hope he's not going down the GRRM path! There is a TV show in the works after all.
FossilWreckers
Matt, I get that you're traveling around, but do you have any idea when you'll go back to two posts a month?
Daniel Wills
Can you feel it in my bones, too? Checking multiple times a day
QueenofHartbrake
Release tonight I can feel it in my bones
Siddhant Modi
I had "Daddy Carl" in my dream last night. A young , attractive, good natured man in skimpy clothing. And those clothes kept slipping. He had a cat. What is happening to me?
Jay Prado
Is there a chapter for every book?
Sabe F.
Clowns were third floor, not second.
Audrie Goff
I just need to know what's going on backstage!!!!! Book 7 hardcover comes out in September, and that's too long of a wait. WTH is going onnnn!!!!!! Tell us!!!!!
Michael T
I plan to be there! Definitely wouldn't mind meeting up if we can get a group together.
Dragan
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve reread it, the addiction is strong. I’m listening to the tale end of Butchers as I write this! Always refreshing to hear about others trapped in Matt’s clutches.
TheOriginalSpot
WE WANT MEAT, WE WANT MEAT, WE WANT MEAT
Ranen
Alright, I’m on my 5th reread of the series. Yes, DCC has turned into my comfort zone and I have no regrets. Just wrapped up Gate of the Feral gods last night and moved on to butcher this morning. Got emotional (again) when he hit that #1 spot. Damn, I can’t wait until the next chapter drop.
Cody Brewer
Is anyone else going to the Columbus book festival? Me and my girlfriend are driving up to meet matt and was wanting to see if any other crawlers out there wanted to meet up at a safe room after for some drinks? I’d prefer the belly rubbed pug but not sure if that’s in Columbus
Natascha
Sure hope you have a great time at your meet and greets. Once you go international, your fans in Europe can see you too (on a regular basis). Looking forward to it :) I’m in hospital after surgery right now and checking every day for a new chapter to sweeten my time a little. Stay healthy!
William Magee
I know what it’s like to have jam packed, event-filled period with work. Hopefully you’re not too stressed and the body is holding up alright, Matt. Looking forward to when you’ve got time to write!
Jake Howard
I'll be at the Chicago event tomorrow, so excited!
Craig Johnson
I think I read somewhere on one of the books that the turkey God on the 5th floor was a lesser God or something along those lines
Craig Johnson
Is anyone else really looking forward to hearing Jeff do that crazy-ass Mordecai scene?
PerfectYarn
I'm pretty sure he has no hand in what goes on in the discord.
DBot1976
Hey Matt! Finished reading Book 7 yesterday (by way of Amazon) and found the link to your Patreon, joined it... and saw you have an event TODAY in DC!! Yikes. Unhappily, the in-store line is sold out and the last chance is wait-listed. So, not very likely I'll see you here today. Hope you have a great visit and maybe see you next time!
funinretrospect
settle down Beavis
Baurzhan Dosym
Why are u asking?
quinn
It’s not worth staying a member?
quinn
Right.
quinn
Well keep visiting July
quinn
We’re paying a min of 5$ for VERY MIN content……… when nothing posted
quinn
Takes too long to pay
quinn
Keep counting ??
quinn
Baurzhan Dosym
Guys on floor 9 where all elites that have been telported from floor 6
Heman Murph
Ready for next batch!
Connor Villanueva
Might be a little bit longer he has a lot of meet and greets until the end of this month. I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t get the next post until late may or early June.
Yuvraj Baheti
When is the next post haha? been over a month
Lacrosse Nelson
Thank you.
funinretrospect
Carl's book of boom is the working title
Craig Johnson
Does this book 8 have a title yet? I can't remember if there was or not.
George
You can't. They were only done through Amazon print on demand and aren't available anymore.
Zach Tweedy
Matt dinniman why did I get removed from discord group?
Casey Crafton
Does anyone know where I can find the original covers? Everything I see is someone trying to resell it for a ridiculous amount
Jason Tinnel
I am counting days
peggydavis3
A chapter a month - and the next dungeon crawler carl book will be released in about 2028.
Klaus Alexander
Sooooo..... now what?
Jim Robinson
I doubt it. I think the AI is just going crazier and crazier and glitching out hardcore.
GentlemanG33k
Two things I am interested in hearing people's opinions on first I wonder if Borant was micro dosing the food upgrades and that's why the A.I is keeping them messed up to limit exposure biggest reason for no is they should be able to dose all the food or the air. Second what is up with Angel the Cocker Spaniel Donut is right she should have been used as an NPC by now with how often Donut points out her dislike.
QueenofHartbrake
The Ripple system series is closest I have found to scratching the same itch but DCC is definitely better… just started primal hunter series it’s ok so far … I just miss Jeff’s voice on everything that I listen too… I always come back to this would be better is Jeff was reading it
quinn
Any books similar to this? That are good
Deana Whitney
100 gremlin scrolls, hello clue bat. I look forward to seeing what happens. Part of me is surprised Donut didn't insist on a shower before boxes, since those take 2 minutes. Aren't the both still coated in about an inch of blood, ash, and Meatus?
Melissa Glisan
Having time post- tornado to sit and ruminate about the oracular prognostications of Mordecai’s new form… I got no worries. Nothing. Not even Death itself is going to separate Donut and Carl.
PerfectYarn
That's a really interesting point actually. I think it was mentioned that the previous crawlers left a bunch of their inventories with them so it wouldn't surprise me.
PerfectYarn
The scavenger is probably one of if not the most mysterious figures in the series (in my opinion). The name has popped up all over the place in seemingly random ways. Example: Hekla's cross bow is called the Scavenger Mother of Mothers and its description is as follows: Enchanted Repeating Crossbow of the Scavenger Mother of Mothers This is a unique item. This is a repeating, ranged weapon. It has the buffet enchantment, meaning it will not run out of basic ammunition. You may load and fire additional ammunition types to use with this weapon, though any special bonuses will only apply to the stock ammunition. It is said that the long-forgotten goddess Nekhebit is both jealous and terrible. When the elf mothers chose to abandon Nekhebit and instead worship Apito, the Oak Goddess, it is written Nekhebit grew enraged. The mighty vulture goddess blamed the male-dominated high elf court for causing her worshippers to stray. As a result, she cursed their seed, thus creating what is today known as the Fae Diaspora. There are dozens of elf and fairy breeds, all of whom may trace their lineage back to the early high elf court, whose cursed offspring sowed the universe. This crossbow is rumored to have been given to Nekhebit’s last warrior guardian as a gift for remaining true to her faith. This item may only be wielded by a female. For every female in your party, up to thirty, this item’s damage and firing speed is increased by 25 percent. Your strength+level increases base damage 1.5X more than a standard crossbow. +15 Dexterity when wielded +10 Strength when wielded Casts Birth Defect on monster types who generate or birth additional monsters. What does any of that have to do with the scavenger? clearly something. Is Apito the scavenger's mother? is Nekhebit? or is the scavenger the mother? No idea. I almost feel the need to go back and look for all mentions of the scavenger in the series to piece things together lol.
PerfectYarn
the discord server! https://discord.gg/dungeoncrawlercarl
Crystal DeFrate
Do we have a fan club to help interact with and meet other awesome people who share our sense of humor?
Paulamarie Young
Okay folks. Basic question, if Samantha is the scavenger, what does that imply?
Dragan
This is genius.
Ashlee Williams
Despite Mordecai's assurances that his predictions in that form are nonsense, I wonder if the AI chose it for him because it allows the AI to give the team clues/warnings the rules would normally bar it from sharing.
Jim Hendel
The town with crazy people sounds like a great place to meet a potential crew member, Meth Marie, she has a troubled past but seems good now. Because she can’t go on back to back races with you, she starts going crazy and finding meth while you’re out racing and starts taking your absence personally. Eventually she wants you to leave her there and then half way through your race she’s out in the track trying to kill you!
fidric
if matt doesn't make a "You will not brake me" car joke in book 8 "dungeon crawler car" i'll be sad
Ilya Taytslin
The Ring of Divine Suffering works a little differently on every floor, and one of the peculiarities of the 9th floor is that no more than one ring can mark a same target
Baurzhan Dosym
Guys I have question about previous book u remember when carl tried to mark everyone and it didn't worked since they where marked by Li-na but in book butcher mascarade cael was able to mark Miriam Dom is there explanation to that or is it mistake
Kevin Lapham
Thank you for coming to NYC! Hope you enjoyed yourself.
Ryan
Didn't she say her daughter is dead?
George
Unfortunately no. They were written specifically for the new editions and can't be included anywhere else. I think that I may have to spend a couple of hours reading in the store because I can't justify buying them again right now
Joanna
?
Joseph Harris
I wonder if any of the Crawlers left their cards behind. Can any Crawler use them or do they still have to be a leader of a party?
Claire
Is there an old post with the Pineapple Cabaret stuff? i know they’re in the hardcover reissues, but I can’t afford all of those books + Audible + Patreon :(
PerfectYarn
https://discord.gg/dungeoncrawlercarl
Daniel Wasserott
Do i need to show feet photos to get more chapters? Just tell me what you need.
Jaimie
Silly question, what's the discord server link, or is there not one?
Ilya Taytslin
I had noticed that before. We *never* saw any mobs which matched Mordecai's form at the time. All non-crawler, non-mercenary humans on floor 9 were NPC's, not mobs.
Adrianne
Now that Carl has the ability to turn into an ooze, is Samantha going to try and matchmake between him and her daughter? New naga wife be damned!
Teal
Lovely loot for the floor. Thanks for the lore.
Blake Alexander
Hey Matt! Great chapters this week and really enjoyed the opening letter in chapter 6. Would you ever consider letting your subs draft up letters to Carl and donut that you could use for future chapters? Knowing that not everyone is as linguistic as you might add a little bit of uniqueness to each letter. Also give us all a chance to participate in the story, while also saving you a little time and effort. Obviously you’d have the final say, and you would include the spell and flavor texts along with our letter, but would be a fun way to see how people show their love and respect for Carl and donut.
opaeoinadi
I hate to spoil, but Ren died. Have you met Rend?
Crystal DeFrate
She can’t heal until all those that she marked for death are dead. Some of whom fled to the 18th floor..(harem)
smpmcb
If I know anything, it's that Splash zone is definitely dying screaming while his family watches and Bigs is drowning in fire
Christina Hayes
Mordecai is supposed to take the shape of a mob from the current floor, but I don't think we ever see mobs that are the same creature as him? Technically there are other Skyfowl on Floor 5 and other humans on Floor 9, but even those aren't really what I'd consider a traditional mob.
Ian T Hathaway
Ooh, Donut is in for some bad times with that loot. So excited
Nick Harrison
Love the SK Jaunt reference.
waterkangaroo
Floor 4 - Jikininki Floor 5 - Concierge Shark Floor 6 - unknown, but maybe it was the dinosaurs? Floor 7 - lol Floor 8 - probably unique to each region Floor 9 - ???
Dragan
I think I know what’s up with Mordecai. The AI clearly wanted him to be this moon reaper, but based on his description I think it’s technically an NPC until provoked, and Mordecai can only turn into a mob from the current floor. The shade mimic thing is just a weird loophole that the AI used.
Derek Reilly
Donut was marked for death by Harpocrotese and survived a floor. That gives her a tattoo and a platinum box.
Catherine Waterfield
Orren discovering Depeche Mode had me howling!
David Jones
Nice cliffhanger! I am looking forward to the next chapters! Thank you for a great 50th birthday present!
William Magee
Thanks a million, Matt!
Matthew Lawson
Ren and Mongo as besties is killing me.
Riyon Hutton LMHC
Happy birthday 🎁🎉🎊🎈🎂
Riyon Hutton LMHC
No
worldSeries
But it’s good in a way if he does because Ren will be even more powerful after that, even though he risks another common weakness
Ilya Taytslin
I think it's more like her Astral Paw now has claws. AND her ridiculous strength.
Ilya Taytslin
Yes, AI is getting weirder and weirder
Ilya Taytslin
To paraphrase Ramsey Bolton, "If you were NOT worried for everyone’s safety UNTIL NOW, you haven't been paying attention!"
Levi
As always loving the chapter dumps, but also.. Currently vibrating in anticipation of any Earth’s surface updates.
eXo
Has anybody else recieved any of the pateon rewards? I joined as a Dungeon GOd at the beginning of the year and haven't seen or heard anything. I reached out when I first joined, as it says to message whoeevr runs this patreon, but got no reply there either.
Jon Devault
Holy crap, I didn't notice the lack of "this is a non-combatant" in his description 😳
Slade9127
Loving the new chapters Matt! I really wanted a chance to meet you at the upcoming Dallas event since I'm off work for once that day. Unfortunately it sold out before I could get tickets for myself and the gf. I signed up for the waitng list so fingers crossed 2 tickets become available. If not I hope you and everyone have a great time and I'll try to make it the next time you have an event in Texas.
Lauren
I am filled with dread and worried for everyone’s safety now.
Erica S
Thanks I was not having a great week. Another long day tomorrow. Haven't had a day off really in a while. So this was really nice :) as a pick me up
Suruten
I have no idea what this means but make sure this stays in the book unexplained. "It’s not racist if it’s being worn by a hamster."
Jenn
So…Mordecai is still a non-combatant NPC, even in this creepy, glitchy form, right? I didn’t see that as part of his “info box” when Carl examined him. He’s not going to glitch at some point and actually attack someone, I hope.
Andrew L
Loving this book so far, very fun but also ominous for what’s going on.
Michael T
So Donut has Wolverine claws now??!? Hell yes.
Michael Alpert-Appell
Amazing chapters as always Matt. Really sad I didn't get to see you at the Strand the other night, timing didn't work out. Hope you had fun in NYC though, and very much hope you come visit again soon ❤️
Christian Hudson
Thanks for coming to NYC!!!
Ilya Taytslin
"Moon Reapers are one of several different types of janitor mobs that occupy the 15th floor. " Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't janitor mobs fall off the radar at some point? First floor janitor mobs were rats. Second floor, brindle grubs. Third floor, these urchin things. Fourth floor...? Maybe Jikininki ghouls, but not really since they never left their trains. And from fifth floor on, there was no mention of janitor mobs at all.
David Jones
Tomorrow is my 50th birthday so I'm not going to read this until then. Thanks for an awesome birthday present Matt!!!!
Tsantensore
"Li Jun said Li Na killed most of the other teams already." Didn't Li Jun die last book? I think this was an error.
Matt D
I’ll be able to announce the details in like 2 weeks. But it’s an event that (kinda) rhymes with Fungus Hook Celestial.
Kate H.
By letting off more of the breaks more rapidly. I’m not sure if it’s a colloquialism unique American English or unique to the American west coast/southwest English, but it’s definitely a phrase my mom used when she was teaching me to drive, and I’m roughly Carl’s age (turned 26 in early 2020) from the SW USA
christina Nelson
Thank you!! The more I read the more excited I get! I’ll be at the Vegas event. Can’t wait!
Dirty Dibbler
Dire Wolf - or some other canine form
austin kutz
I actually thought the abyss is something beyond the nothing. The place that the river of souls leads to, perhaps. It fits the imagery better than the nothing does, considering.
Cody Brewer
Any updates on when you’re coming to Columbus Ohio? Me and my girlfriend are planning on making the trip up for it!
Christine Brown
This feels fun! Happy weekend!
Christine Brown
Eeewwww!
CloudyBall
I am honestly having a hard time remembering all of their abilities and items that they have, especially cause there is such a big time gap in between chapters. It would be cool to have like a spreadsheet with all of the info so we can refresh our memory without having to re-read the chapters
Bryant Cronbaugh
Thanks brother! You editors crack me up catching all of the continuity errors before Matt has a chance to breathe.
waterkangaroo
That's what I thought the reference was 😂
BelligerentGnu
That doomshadowing is fucking terrifying. I love the pet hats so much. The Danforth is a region of Toronto also known as Greektown. My only guess as to the name's relevance is that it's often quite congested, traffic-wise.
Matthew S
I called it
Will Patterson
Brace yourselves. The slimeboi fanfic/fanart is coming.
waterkangaroo
can't wait to see how the fuck Jeff is gonna narrate that query in the beginning. I'm assuming something like "Begin entry. Book equals empty string. Boom equals empty string. Carl equals empty string. From equals empty string. Of equals empty string. End entry."
Hellmonkey
The Danforth is hella op/useful in a race environment. So many possibilities. Also, anyone? Even a God? Can a wraith/intangible thing be 'hit' with it or only things that are physical?
Hellmonkey
Hell yes. The car upgrade possibilities give me a lot of fuel/inspo for fanart. Thanks for the chapters Matt.
Stephen Greenwood
Pretty awesome read, wish it explained the class and got to Carl before it ended
waterkangaroo
"Who will entwine you? The tree or the abyss?" ooooh the girls are fighting over Carl's porous soul 👀 (whatever the fuck that means). Now I'd assume this is the All Tree and the Nothing, but the Nothing was just broken 🤔
Desiree
Love the Stephen King reference! “It’s longer than you think, Dad!”
waterkangaroo
That went out the window so fast 😂
Matthew S
"Warns off" isn't the term. It's "Wards off". Warn off would work too. But Wards Off is what you were going for.
waterkangaroo
"I have a girlfriend for you in my inventory." YES PLEASE, CLEANERBOT ROMANCE!!
Ed
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophiotaurus is a thing. A neat Google lookup.
C0bra$
Thank u for the story
waterkangaroo
"The spellbook spooged more slime onto me. It made a little groan." What a sentence 😆
Leah
The NY appearance at strand was awesome! So glad I got to catch it!
Ilya Taytslin
Did Prepotente and Lin Na also receive Celestial Godslayer boxes? Prepotente should have gotten one back at the end of the fifth floor for killing the turkey god; that would be the second Celestial box of the entire crawl. And Harpocrates killed Yarilo while under Li Na's control.
Ilya Taytslin
Yes. She is now classified as a mercenary, and mercenaries do that as a matter of course.
waterkangaroo
LMAO as someone with two tuxedo cats, Donut's comment made perfect sense to me 😂
Baurzhan Dosym
Same
Mightyjor
Ok I definitely missed this, but how is Rosetta still here? Can she hang out in the safe room to go from floor to floor until the end of the crawl?
waterkangaroo
Making Mordecai a shadow mimic right after the Book 5 hardcover came out, I SEE YOU MATT
Ed
Oozy form. Carl might ask -- "Did she turn into an ooze back at the start of all this, with the pet biscuit? Is that related? Could there be problems?" As a potions expert, Mordecai would know the answer.
Mike Evans
I'm going to spend this entire book afraid that Mordecai is going to accidentally kill Ren.
Alexandria C Adams
The chapters are only available in the print copies of the Ace editions of the books. One chapter per book. They might become available as audio at some point, but as of right now, you'll only be able to read them in the physical copies.
granndfunk
Oh wow I can't wait to hear what Mordecai told Samantha.
Boredfundiesnark
Fantastic chapters. Really enjoying this book so far but also love the less stressful time between Carl and donut. 🍩
Jenn
Wow! Especially love Mordecai’s form this floor! Heartbroken over what’s happened with Justice and Tipid, but life is like that, sadly. Justice chose his own path, and it was an honorable one, befitting a skyfowl. I can’t wait to see the results of all his work from the last floor!
A
RIP Li Jun.
BNR
Where can I read back stage at the pineapple Cabrera
Daniel Gage
Thanks for the Chapters, I was starting to get itchy from withdrawal. There is a glaring error early "I eased harder on the brakes." How does one ease harder? :) --Oop
Brian Medema
In the initial description of Mordecai, Carl says the arms remind him of the clowns from the second floor. The clowns were from the second book, but third floor.
austin kutz
She didn't buy anything useful as far as I know
Daniel Maidman
Awesome! And the Strand event was great - I especially enjoyed your perfunctory attempts at non-spoiling after it became clear that everyone in the room had read all the books and about half were on the Patreon too.
Michael Raymond
Thanks Matt! I knew the wait was worth it!
Nikita Koltay
Finally some less stressful chapters, thank you, I needed those badly. 🤣
DB
Heck yes. Did the saferoom change because Katia left the game?
Shatterproof
I can't wait to see what the Prehistoric Form ends up being.
Jimmi Fussner
Damn did not expect and update when I checked this morning
Topher
Samantha is innocent and deserves to be allowed to drive the chicken truck! she could just plop right on the shifter
QueenofHartbrake
!!!!
Bill Holmes
Thank’s Matt!
David K. Storrs
They were all NPCs. The problem is that new teams will be brought in to fill the empty slots, and eventually they'll run out of NPCs and will use other crawler teams.
Alexandra Hartnett
Thank you for sharing! Love it.
Arwyl Nym
I already know I will be shedding tears at every Carl’s Book of Boom entry 😭
Natascha
Yay finally something for my cravings!
Matt D
Yes. Whoops
Jeff Neigh
What a wonderful surprise today! Great work as always
Dave Kase
Great stuff Matt! Looking forward to seeing you in Chicago!
Tyrant Grant
Li Jun said Li Na had killed most of the other teams???
Kelly Cobb
Should Li Jun be Trang instead?
CrashCanuck
Shouldn't that be "Zhang said" and bot Li Jun?
James Macrae
Thanks Matt! This is an excellent birthday present at the end of a shitty week.
Paul pollard
Thanks Matt. Stay safe in your travels.
StoveTop
Fuck yeah I’ve been waiting for this drop!
Morphic
Yay can’t wait to read! Thanks!
Craig Bush
Thank you for the update!
Garland Murray
Third!
Jen DuBay
SO EXCITED
Eric DiPaola
YAY
Austin Barnett
First again
