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Book 7, Chapters 75 and 76. Book preorder available. Audible Studios announcement.
🕑 Added 2024-10-15 22:18:00 +0000 UTCJust a few light chapters before the real climax of the book.
Oh, I forgot. A minor retcon. As several of you pointed out, I can't name the spell Heel because of audio. It is now called Bijanbi
Chapter 75
Donut didn’t even look at the tattoo on her ass. She stared forward with quiet dignity as Mongo screeched with concern. The moment it was done, Edgar stepped back.
The tortoise dropped his tattoo stick. “Did it work?” he asked.
Donut’s stoic façade immediately cracked. “Did it work?” she exclaimed. “Why are you asking me? You’re the one... Hey! I just receive two very rude achievements. One called me a traitor and another just gave me something called a stolen catalytic convertor as a prize! Carl, I knew this would happen! Quick, somebody cover it up before Mongo gets confused!”
“Donut. Did you get the spell?” I asked.
“I did, but it’s only level two! My word... this is quite a good spell. It says it came from a god called ‘Wepwawet.’ What kind of name is that? It gives me the option to worship him now.” She gasped. “Carl, Carl, it says he’s in the ‘Court of Nekhebit!’ and I can worship Odette now, too!”
“Huh,” I said.
“Now, cover it up. I don’t even want to look at it. We’ll get it lasered off on the next floor.”
“Not quite yet, child. We must get it temporarily above level eight. This may sting a little,” Milk said. She came forward and produced a pen, dripping with black ink. Her hands were no longer bound. She wrote some words atop the tattoo with a flourish as Donut hissed with pain. I didn’t recognize the script, but when I examined the characters, the system simply said, Words of Power.
“What is that?” I asked. The letters started to glow with blue light, and they completely obscured the tattoo itself.
Milk dipped the pen into her shirt and pulled it back out. It now dripped with purple ink. “It’s a magic style that I haven’t seen used often in the dungeon. The calligraphy guild teaches it.” She wrote more letters. “There, child. Apologies for hurting you.”
The overlapping letters also started to glow, and the tattoo underneath vibrated. The letters seemed to move below the tattoo, which allowed me to see the shape on her mottled skin. It was a simple, rather adorable line art tattoo of a dog. As I watched, the tattoo did, indeed, move. It lifted its leg and started to lick itself.
“Hmm,” Edgar said, peering at it. “That’s quite interesting. I do not believe the art is sentient, as it hasn’t been imbued with anything other than the spell itself. I imagine this is all it can do.”
Mongo let out a growl. The tattoo dog remained in that position, its leg up in the air, licking.
Donut, who was deliberately ignoring all this, gasped. “The spell went up to level 15!”
“It’s temporary, child,” Milk said. She put a hand on Donut’s side in a warm, affectionate gesture. “As the ink fades, the power will decrease, but if you practice using the spell at that high of a level, it will assist greatly with training.”
Warlord Carl: We are ready. Li Na, send Harpocrates in.
To Milk, I said, “I hadn’t realized there were so many different magic systems.”
She smiled sadly. “There’s more than you can imagine. Even with just ink and calligraphy and maps, there are dozens of different methods. It is dangerous, though, attempting to learn too much. There’s a lot the right kind of ink can do. But, over the turns, I’ve learned the danger of using recipes I don’t quite understand. Inks and letters that shine the brightest burn out the fastest.”
She put her warm, webbed hand on my own cheek, surprising me. She met my eyes and continued. “I had a book once, and I wrote several of my recipes in it. But later, I switched to a different type of ink. It was an attempt to share my knowledge with a wider group, and it wasn’t until recently did I learn all that I wrote after I changed methods faded and disappeared.” The strange, bat and frog hybrid creature lowered her hand. “Some of my best recipes were lost, and it wasn’t until they were needed the most did I learn they were gone. It is my fault that I didn’t write them properly.”
Next to her, Rosetta grunted indignantly.
“But,” Milk added. She pulled what looked like a wineskin from her inventory and handed it to me. “Sometimes it takes a failure or two to learn how to properly prepare a meal. My people, we have a saying. ‘No single recipe is a feast in itself.’ Meaning there’s always another way.”
Donut: CARL, WHAT THE HECK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? IS SHE HITTING ON YOU?
I honestly wasn’t sure, either, exactly what she was saying, but it clearly had something to do with the cookbook. I examined the wineskin.
Stayfast Ink, 825 ml.
Enough ink for several chonky books.
Warning: this shit stains, so be careful. Nothing will ever make it fade. Nothing. Not even distance or time or the death of a star.
Huh, I thought.
She handed me something else. A fountain pen.
Adept’s fountain pen.
The most basic of all the calligrapher’s implements. How much grief, how much suffering has been caused by one of these things? Yet, how much joy? That whole saying, the pen is mightier than the sword, is one of the few human world metaphors that I believe to be universally true, especially since swords are terrible, barbaric weapons.
This is the most versatile item anyone can own. What will you do with it? Write a book that changes everything? Come up with a new, titillating take on hucow fiction? (Don’t look that up.) Or will you literally stab someone in the neck with it again?
It’s really up to you.
“Carl has a recipe book,” Donut said from her position on the chair. “It has goblin and chicken recipes in it.”
“I heard,” Milk said, smiling. She met my eyes again. “He also has another book. One that all of you have. The Book of Voodoo, I believe it is called. Anything he writes in it will be given to everybody who already has the book. Best of luck to you.”
With that, Rosetta grunted as she picked Edgar back up. She glowed as she took a Feather Fall potion. She and the tortoise jumped right out of the tower, angling toward the remains of Shanty Town. Milk gave me a quick smile, and she too, jumped, her wings spreading out, causing her to glide away.
This left me, Donut, Rend, Mongo, and the two adjutants alone in the top of the tower. I looked over the edge, watching them disappear. Far below, I could see Dong Quixote at the base of the tower, still astride Gonk. He had a crowd around him. Sluggalos. I had no idea where they’d come from.
Carl: Dong, you guys need to move away from the tower. It’s about to get really hot down there.
Dong didn’t answer, but I watched him shout a few orders. Soon, the mass moved away, moving toward where Rosetta and Edgar had landed.
I moved my attention back to the funnel.
I hoped Jamal and Britney and all the others were ready for what happened next. They remained in the college and were about to take part on the raid of the castle of Larracos. The castle was still underwater, but if Juice Box’s people pulled through, that was going to change really, really fast.
Donut’s job was to use her War Crime spell to finish off the remaining members of the Reaver and the Dream army. Li Na was in her tower and would clean up any who survived. She would also direct Harpocrates to occupy the goddess Eris, who was likely under control of the War Mages.
“Come on, Rend,” I said, pulling out my pet carrier. “Donut and I are going to jump out of the tower in a minute, and I don’t think even you can survive that without a potion. I’ll put you out again when we land.”
“You too, Mongo,” Donut said.
Both pets squealed in protest, but they both allowed themselves to be pulled away.
I put my hand on Donut. “I’m here.”
Across the way, a pair of ethereal chains appeared outside of Li Na’s towers and started whipping back and forth like tentacles. She was preparing her spells. It was all going to kick off at any moment.
“She said it was my fault that Li Jun is dead,” Donut said, looking down at Li Na’s tower.
A flash of anger filled me. I took a breath. “She shouldn’t have said that. He made his own choices.”
“He did,” Donut replied. “But she’s not wrong, either. I’ve made a lot of mistakes already today. She will be okay. He was her brother. She’s taking it much better than I would if I thought someone else was responsible for hurting you or Mongo.”
I didn’t answer. I continued to rub her back.
“Carl,” she said. “I know you’re worried about me casting this spell. It’s okay. I’m ready. It’s the least of my concerns right now.”
“The moment you cast it, your health will go down to 1%. I will have a scroll ready to heal you. Your Cockroach ability shouldn’t trigger, but if it does, you probably won’t be able to use it again for the rest of this fight. You’ll be vulnerable if the tower collapses before we jump. You have Mordecai’s Special Brew in your hotlist, right?”
She nodded, still looking at Li Na’s tower. “I also have Hover, Carl. If the tower falls, I won’t. But in case I do, I have the potion.”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “I forgot about that.”
“You keep forgetting how strong I am now. My Constitution is higher than yours. You’re overprotective of me. You’re almost as bad as I am with Mongo.”
I chuckled. “At least we’re both aware.”
We sat in silence for a moment. Across the way, Harpocrates finally started to stir.
“Lucia killed Bomo. Sledgie is going to be so sad. They’re best friends.”
“He’s not really dead. Sledge will know that.”
“No, I suppose you’re right. But Li Jun is. Do you think Zhang is going to blame me like his sister does?”
“No,” I said. “He’s going to be upset, but he’s going to blame himself for not being there.”
“That’s my fault, too.”
“That’s on that dead alien who was driving Eris. You saved them by casting the Battle Formation spell. If you hadn’t done it, half of everyone would be dead by now.”
“They’re all screaming, Carl. Can’t you hear them? Nobody has said anything about it, but it’s awful. I hope they don’t remember their time in there. I hope they’re not all mad at me. If something goes wrong, and we lose everybody, it’ll be my fault. How can I go on after that?”
“Donut, listen to me. Nothing that has happened today or will happen is your fault. They put us here. This is their war. If the worst happens, then you and I together will go on the best we can, and we won’t stop until each and every one of them has paid their debt tenfold.”
Donut didn’t reply, still looking out the window at Li Na’s tower.
“There’s something else I should probably tell you now that it’s too late to do anything about it,” Donut said.
“What?” I asked, suddenly concerned. “What are you talking about?”
“Katia and I have a plan,” she said. “I mean, assuming we get through this next part. We worked it out together. But you can’t tell Bautista because he’s going to be mad. Katia told me not to tell you because she says you’ll Carl it up.”
“Carl it up? What the hell does that mean?”
She looked over at Victory and Fopsy, silently watching us. “I’ll have to send it via message though.”
Donut: I got a benefactor box when you weren’t looking.
The box would’ve been from the Apothecary. She still didn’t have a second sponsor. Before I could respond, it started.
Li Na: Go.
Outside, Harpocrates finally made his move. He took a step, and he tossed the ball over the edge and into the hole of Larracos. The giant ball plummeted away into the funnel.
Britney: The water around the castle has been turned to acid. Will break open the drain in ten seconds.
We didn’t expect the powerful War Mages in the water of the castle to be killed by it suddenly turning to acid—basically the same trick we used with the water in the trenches during our first offensive—but it would hopefully take them by surprise.
The final remaining dwarven digger, which had been tasked with stopping the lava, had been reclaimed and had moved back under Larracos where it would punch a hole in the ground to drain the acid. If the machine survived that, it would move to aid the incursion on the castle.
All around, the inactive defensive towers spun back up, firing at the ball the moment it was in range. Now that Harpocrates wasn’t holding it, the health bar over the thing immediately started to go back down.
Donut peered over the edge. “My goodness,” she said. “It went pretty far. It’s stuck about ¾’s of the way down! I hope it’s not touching the acid water!”
Donut hesitantly reached forward and touched the empty air in front of her. Her paw hit a solid wall. “Uh, Carl. The net is still in effect!”
“What?” I said, suddenly filled with alarm. This wasn’t going to work if Donut and I couldn’t jump. “You said it went away!”
“It did! I got a notification and everything! I think this is a different net!” She waved her paw again. “It’s further out than the first one!”
I quickly went forward and stuck my hand over the edge. My hand hit an invisible wall, as if it was made of bricks.
Warning: This structure is contained within a magical field. You are unable to leave.
“What the hell,” I said. “This is a new net. The last one was just on you, and this one is either on both of us or it was cast after Rosetta and Milk left!”
Britney: Draining commencing. As soon as it’s drained, we’ll cast the Bounce House spell to catch the falling crawlers.
“I suspect this net is still from before,” Victory said. “This is classic Lucia Mar.”
“I agree,” Fopsy said. “Her first one was from a scroll. A personal net. She likely cast a secondary spell in case Donut had a countermeasure. The notification Donut received before would’ve been from the primary net timing out, which would’ve triggered the second one. It was just waiting for a power source, I think.”
“Rosetta would’ve triggered it when she left!” I said
Victory snapped her fingers. “It’s Power Siphon! Those jewels used for the towers leak all sorts of energy. They’re in range. It’s drawing power from the active towers in Larracos.”
“Quite clever,” Fopsy said.
“It’s more than clever,” Victory agreed. “It’s genius. I would never have thought of that. It’ll go away when the other towers stop shooting or when she turns it off.”
I just looked at the two adjutants. “Are you serious? So it’s not going to go away until Lucia gets back? She’s in our army now. I already ordered her to turn it all off! This is bullshit!”
I pulled up the warlord menu, moved to Lucia, and it gave an error. Combatant is off the playing field.
Victory shook her head. “I’m sorry, Carl. She did turn off all her active spells. This one activated after she left. You should know how Lucia works by now. She leaves dozens of magical triggers everywhere she goes. I was wondering how she powered all of them, but this makes sense. I should’ve known she has a Power Siphon ability. Donut, make sure you never cast your Sentry spell if you have to fight her again.”
Donut had her sunglasses back on. “You’re right! I can see the power flowing from the towers! It’s flowing to a spot on the ground down there! I knew this mode on the glasses wasn’t useless! Wow, I should’ve used this instead of the heat mode when I was looking for the generator!”
“What spot? Where! Quick, shoot a Magic Missile at it!”
The Nest remained at 8% health, but if the casting of War Crime went as expected, the whole area around the tower would soon be on fire. And if Donut was stuck in here when it went down, that was going to be a problem. The plan was to cast and then jump. The net would deactivate if the tower broke, but would it break in time for her to use her Hover to save herself? Would I be able to heal her in time?
And what about myself? What the hell would I do? I’d go down with the tower into a Wall of Fire filled with fleshers.
Donut shot a missile, and it exploded against the ground. Nothing happened.
I cursed. This was a sort of magical trap, a kind I didn’t specialize in. Unlike my style, these formed little, round jewels that didn’t appear until they activated. Ranged weapons and spells weren’t going to work against it. Someone needed to physically pick it up and put it in their inventory.
Carl: We need to abort. Donut can’t yet leave the tower!
Li Na: It’s a little late for that. The ball is about to break.
Shit, shit, shit. “Donut, don’t cast War Crime!”
Down below, the ball’s health rocketed downward into the red. She needed to cast immediately after it broke, or everyone would be mixed in together, including the gods. And if the NPCs were going to storm the castle at the same moment, they, too, would all be mixed in. If the War Mages had control of Eris, she could possibly one-shot us all, all at once.
“What?” Donut said, panicked. “If I don’t cast it, then all of this will be for nothing! I have to!”
“Okay, okay,” I said. “Cast it, but don’t pick fire! Pick something else! We need the Nest to stay intact!”
“What? What should I pick!?”
“Anything but fire!”
Carl: Dong. Look where Donut fired her missile. Go back there and take the magical trigger into your inventory. It’s about the size of a marble. It’ll burn when you pick it up. Hurry! Fast!
Dong: Uh, isn’t that area all about to be on fire and filled with fleshers?
Carl: No! Go!
Li Na: The ball has broken! Cast now!
Chapter 76
“Casting now!” Donut shouted.
System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has committed a third Atrocity.
System Message: Warlord Princess Donut has received a new class.
System Message: Warlord Princess Donut will now be referred to as The Oak Fell.
System Message: The Oak Fell has been named Champion of Nekhebit.
Before any of that could even register, more notifications rolled in.
The Scavenger’s Daughter has opened her eyes. You are in range of two more deities.
You are now within range of the feral god Meatus.
Temporary effect from Meatus:
Your dick will fall off if you get an erection.
“What the fuck?” I exclaimed.
The moment I exclaimed it, the world froze, but the notifications continued to come.
You are in range of Eris.
Random Effect! As Eris is the goddess of chaos, this effect will change each time you are in her presence.
Temporary effect from Eris:
One current god effect will be permanent!
“Oh, shit!” was all I could say.
A spinner appeared floating in front of me. It only had two items on it: Dick will fall off! And Level-15 Pied Piper! I hadn’t even looked up the Pied Piper skill, which is what I got from Harpocrates. The center of the spinner was a wide, laughing mouth with red lips. The lips were tattooed with a spiral pattern, which I knew was a sign of the chaos goddess. The thing started to spin, like the Wheel of Fortune game.
“No, no, no!” I cried as it started to whirl. “What the fuck? What the fuck!”
It stopped on Dick will fall off! hovered for a second, then ticked over to Level-15 Pied Piper!
Your benefit from Harpocrates is permanent!
I almost fell over with relief.
The world remained frozen, and I suddenly had a hand on my shoulder.
I could still move, and I whirled.
It was Eris, goddess of chaos, re-sized to about my height, standing right next to me. She was not under control of the War Mages. Tall, elf-like with a strangely long neck. Upon closer examination, I saw she wasn’t fully elf. She had a few serpentine features, making her appear like she had a distant relative who was a naga. She had long, smooth blonde hair. She wore armor underneath a flowing, black and white striped jacket that went all the way to the ground. The glowing, Valkyrie armor underneath was covered with swirl patterns, but in the center of her chest was her symbol. Two back to back C shapes with a flaming lance through it. Her large, over-inflated lips were covered with a spiral tattoo.
The deity shook her head and laughed. Her tongue was forked. “By the All Tree was that exhilarating. I haven’t had that much fun since the initial purge. And now I’m free. Oh, this is going to be delicious.”
“What... What is happening?” I asked as her description popped up.
Goddess of Chaos Eris. Level 250.
This deity has lost her sponsor and can no longer be sponsored this season.
This deity is invulnerable on this floor.
This deity has been summoned by battlefield conditions. Summoning rules apply.
Eris. Goddess of Chaos. Half-sister of Taranis, mother to nobody, lover of parties, drinking, chaos—of course, and generally known as the Ascendency’s worst, most unapologetic gossip. If she were mortal and human, she’d be called a wine aunt. She’d have a rich, dead husband who died under mysterious circumstances. She would split her time between the hair salon and spending her days on the local community Facebook page where she would be constantly creating utter pandemonium with her posts and her “this is just my opinion, but...” style messages.
All of her nieces and nephews love her. In fact, everybody loves her, even though they all know deep down she’s an utter piece of shit. People can get away with that sort of thing when they’re attractive and throw great parties.
There hasn’t been a single season of Faction Wars since the beginning where she wasn’t sponsored by someone. As such, this is a pretty unique situation right now where her true personality, her true purpose can finally shine through.
One of her abilities is being All Knowing. She knows everybody’s business, which makes her a dangerous foe and an even more dangerous friend. If she gives you information, it’s probably true, and it’s probably something that’s going to get you into trouble for knowing. While she’s able to lie, she rarely does. Why bother when the truth is often so much worse?
Eris is a prime contender for the Ascendent Throne.
Eris reached forward and gently bit my ear. “Don’t die, Carl,” she purred, her voice seductive. She still sounded oddly like Hekla, but not nearly as much now that her pilot was dead. “I know you worship grumpy ol’ Emberus, but we’ll change that soon, especially now he has put you in an impossible situation. See how Donut was just named Champion? I can do that to you as well. You’ll have to kill all three, of course. Taranis, Emberus, and Hellik. But don’t worry. I’ll help.”
“Uh,” I said as she rubbed a hand across my shirt.
“No, no, no,” she said, giggling, pointing downward at my boxers. “That nasty curse from Meatus is still in effect, even if it’s not permanent. None of that. Here. Let me help you.”
She reached over and snapped my pinkie. I screamed. The goddess shrieked in laughter.
“Oh, I wish you weren’t already married.” She kissed me full on the lips. She pulled back and gave me a look. “The War Mages traded the Gate of the Feral Gods with a merchant named Paca at the Midnight Market. Paca is an agent for Krakaren Prime, who is stuck in the Nothing. Paca has the gate in her stomach. Get the gate back and give it to that insane Skyfowl who built the antennae underneath your castle, and maybe you can actually win this thing. Also, Britney picked that axe off the ground and is now possessed.”
She disappeared with a crack.
Eris has left the Realm. The Scavenger’s Daughter looks away.
Already married? I thought as I downed a healing potion. Axe? What axe? Possessed? By who?
What the actual fuck just happened?
All restrictions on teleportation are now lifted.
More messages came, including one from Emberus that minimized just as everything unfroze.
Next to me, Donut had gone completely rigid. Her health started to decrease. It wasn’t an instant thing, but a slow drain. She was unable to move.
She had a new notification over her head. Her title had changed from Warlord to Champion.
I immediately attempted to apply the healing scroll, but it misfired. I was going to have to wait.
The completely unexpected visit from the goddess had thrown me off kilter. I shook my head, trying to get my mind back on track.
“Oh, shit,” I said, looking outside. The ball had indeed broken apart. All I could see was thousands of bodies flying up toward our location, moving as if in slow motion. Mixed in with them was the god Meatus. Eris, of course, was gone. I couldn’t see from this location, but below it all, all of our allies were now falling deeper into Larracos. Just below where the ball had stopped should be a wide-area spell called Bounce House that was going to catch them all, giving them a moment to recover while they received instructions.
At the same moment, the NPCs and our remaining troops would be storming the castle, which was now drained of acid.
The remaining defensive towers would be firing, and there wasn’t much we could do about it, but the moment anyone set foot in the throne room, all the towers would go inert. And if we managed to evict the War Mages from the room and install an NPC, the towers would immediately go back to NPC control.
Harpocrates remained on the edge of the hole, unmoving, eyeing the form of Meatus that was flying upward.
I couldn’t tell what the second spell Donut picked was. As for right now, all the enemies were frozen, moving inexorably upward as they were pulled in our direction as the towers fired mercilessly at them.
“Donut,” I called, my voice hoarse. “What was the second spell?”
She didn’t answer. She was still frozen, her health still lowering.
Then I saw it, hovering above the hole of Larracos, right outside the tower. It was the massive, glowing outline of a cat’s paw. The paw was absolutely enormous.
Astral Paw. Her two spells were the Binjabi spell and Astral Paw.
The frozen soldiers, including Meatus were moving toward us. They came up out of the hole and moved upward, moving to the side of the Nest. They floated upward slowly, like barely-inflated balloons.
The world, once again, froze. Music started to blast across the world on its own. I recognized the song because it was one of Monobrow Sam’s favorites.
The song was “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.
The ethereal cat’s claw grew to an enormous size as the soldiers all continued to drift upward towered it.
“Oh shit,” I muttered.
Carl: Guys. If you’re on the ground in Shanty Town, fucking run.
Dong: Listen. Do you want me to get the trap or not?
Carl: Run!
The thousands of soldiers at this point all seemed to wake up. Elves, gnolls, and hundreds of the cyborg Reaver mercenaries. They struggled and started to scream as all floated upward, all bunching up against the bottom of the massive, unmoving cat’s paw. Meatus was in the middle of it all, squirming, unable to flee as he, too thrashed.
“No,” Meatus cried. I could now see he was covered in fleshers, which swarmed over everyone trapped underneath the paw. All the soldiers screamed as they started to get dissolved. Sparks rose as fleshers burned through cybernetic armor. Blood rained.
“No. Daddy, help me!” Meatus cried, his voice louder than the song. “I just wanted to sing!”
“Daddy?” I mumbled. Was he talking to Harpocrates?
More messages came in. I was relieved to see it was Katia, Elle, and Imani, all coordinating the assault on the castle below. I pushed it away for the moment as I watched, horrified, as the slow-motion War Crime unfolded above Shanty Town.
Donut coughed. I slammed on the healing scroll, and her health started to rocket up. I put my hand on her as I watched outside. A few soldiers who’d gotten stuck along the way continued to float upwards.
“Did it work,” Donut asked, choking out the words. “Carl, I don’t feel good. I have a new class. I have a bunch of new spells. What’s happening?”
I reached down, and I scooped her up into my arms. “It’s okay,” I said. “Just close your eyes, okay? It’s almost over. I got you.”
With the deactivation of the teleport ban, the net was no longer an issue. We had an escape hatch right behind us. It would teleport us all the way to just outside the safe room at Area 52, where we could go in and use the doggie door to go anywhere we wanted.
Across the way, something was happening with Li Na’s tower. Dozens of chains had appeared, spreading out in all directions, attaching themselves to the wreckage all around her tower. Several of these chains had attached themselves to the Nest.
I blinked, trying to figure it out. “Li Na,” I muttered. “What are you doing?”
“It’s the finisher,” Donut said from my arms. She was pressed against me, trembling. She rearranged herself, and she stretched her arm out, hovering over empty air. “I shouldn’t have picked Astral Paw,” she said. “I have to finish it myself.”
Above, the paw remained hovering there in open air, waiting. Waiting for Donut.
Below, Li Na was building a lattice pattern of chains. It was more chains than I thought possible.
Li Na: Donut, this is all I can build. Do it.
“I can feel them, Carl,” Donut said. “I can feel them under my paw.” She trembled in my arms.
“I’m here,” I said.
The paw in the air quivered. Within, the soldiers trapped continued to scream.
She closed her eyes, and she swiped downward into the air with three quick motions.
Her movement was mirrored outside.
Slam!
Slam!
Slam!
The world rocked as the massive, ethereal cat’s paw, clutching onto about 15,000 enemy soldiers and an enormous god penis slammed into the ground, pushing through the lattice pattern of chains.
The paw moved right through the chains. The enemies trapped in her claw did not.
In my arms, Donut continued to swipe her paw downward.
Slam!
Slam!
Slam!
The screaming stopped.
The chains broke one by one. But as they broke, Li Na grew more. With each slam, the survivors remained stuck to the paw only to get slammed down again. Each time they pushed through chains, they were cut to pieces.
The music abruptly stopped, and it was done.
I gently placed Donut back onto her seat, I moved to the parapet, and I vomited over the side of the tower.
~~~~~
Hey all. We finally got to meet someone who was first mentioned in book 1 and is going to be one of the major players of book 9. The end is nigh. I've already written the next two chapters and will have them soon.
Thank you everyone for your amazing support. I am pushing myself to get this write. I also just wrote part 4 of Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret for the hardcover release of the Gate of the Feral Gods, which received this praise from the editor at Ace: 
I truly wish I was allowed to share that story with you, as some know by now is the tale of the building of the 17th floor, but the contract with Ace disallows it. Part 3 comes out a week from tomorrow with the release of The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook in hardcover.
(And if you don't want to buy the hardcovers, no worries. That story will be tied into the main narrative, but it will all be built so you don't have to read it. It just gives behind the scenes info on the NPCs who will populate the 17th floor. This does not mean we will or won't get there.)
But in the meantime! Book seven preorder is up! Book 7 releases in kindle on 11/11. I anticipate actually finishing it by the end of this week depending on how long the epilogue is. Audio releases 2/11.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0DJWKWV8W
If you move on over to the Audible page, you'll notice it looks a lot snazzier than it did before.
https://www.audible.com/pd/Dungeon-Crawler-Carl-Audiobook/B08V8B2CGV
That is because DCC is now published by Audible Studios instead of ACX. What does that mean for you guys? Absolutely nothing. Nothing has changed. Soundbooth Theater is still doing it all. Jeff Hays is still doing it all. All that's different is that they're going to be advertising it a heck of a lot more and that the page looks snazzier (see the picture of me that's about a month old and the picture of Jeff that's about a decade old). And we can make the preorder window longer.
You speaking of Audible preorders, you can preorder it here: https://www.audible.com/pd/This-Inevitable-Ruin-Audiobook/B0DK282SYV
I sure hope the rest of the story goes smoothly for our heroes.
Comments
Saskia
"We finally got to meet someone who is going to be one of the major players of book 9" Presumably that would be floor 12, so book 8 will cover 2 floors? Or will there be another broken floor? 🤔
thomas harvell
Fuuuuuuuuuuck has no one else brought up that if Carl was married to a Naga princess the he is also in line before Katia or Donut can leave the 9th floor!?!?!
thomas harvell
Ooooooohhhh I was wondering what was going to happen with that fan box he got that would be voted on my “only the naga system.”
Seanbeag
Princess Posse had taken troops of the Blood Sultanate, Prism and The Dream when the ball broke up. There were only three enemy factions left and it was only people who were outside that got pulled in.
Ryan Zarnowski
I agree. I laughed so hard when the tattoo was a dog and the spell was “heel”.
Treamayne
So, I'm Guessing "Also, Britney picked that axe off the ground and is now possessed." Has to do with this line from Book 6 Ch 67: "Ysalte’s pickaxe was stopped in midair, in the process of flying from the goddess’s hands." Dead Goddess Loot seems likely to be cursed. . .
tehlu
Ahh, right; I just reread the part. Thanks
Douglas Erdman
Donut's BASE Charisma is over 200, modified by items it's over 300. You only get the bonus rewards when the base goes over 100, 200, 300. That's why Li Na is so overpowered from using the Ring to mark the enemies in the ball. I'm sure if there wasn't an upper limit of 300, her stats might have gone even higher./
Smith
Audio release 2/11/2025?
tehlu
Question; since Donuts Charisma is over 300 now; shouldn't she get 2 choices - 1 for reaching 200 and another for reaching 300? or am I missing something.
Deana Whitney
Wow... ouch... "light chapter"...15,000 dead via chain slice in dice. Li Na and Donut both getting mad achievements.
Immortal R.C.
Re listening to book six, and I realized that Carl couldn’t find Milk’s Tourmaline recipes, because she used her new ink formulas and the ink faded between when Rosalina had the Anarchist’s Cookbook and Carl got it.
Michael Landesman
It is explicitly stated that she is the party leader again
Michael Landesman
Yes
Immortal R.C.
Anyone else think that Carl getting married in absentia might have just saved him from Eris?
Dave LeBlanc III
No they specifically say she still has the Child Actor Class still!
Jim Robinson
Oh damn. I didn't even think about this.
Saskia
Sounds the same as Heal spell, would be confusing
Derek Reilly
The Base is called "Foopa" which is a play-off Fupa or "Fat upper pussy area" or a muffin top/fat cat joke. More so that the base is a lady but, with a dangly part hanging down now, making it actually a trap or a guy dressed as a lady. The Trap master is Justice light.
Cecil Deveau
I don't get why Heel won't work with audio? Is that in comments from the last chapters?
Ilya Taytslin
Ah, you are right
Gabe
what's "fupa"?
Steve Hansen
Is there any way to make it so the giant astral paw has to slowly nudge the 15k off a ledge of some sort? Seems like the kind of thing a giant astral paw would do. Then they could pass through chains on the way down to finish them off. The chains could be different spell types mix of torture and damage maybe to min max xp gain by li na. Something unexpected by donut. Could lead into a great joke about falling down an ugly tree in a British comedy.
Norma Rubio
I literally just finished this series in a week, one book per day and when I found out that book 7 was on patreon only for now; I bought the membership. This is my first time commenting on your work and I have to say this is one of my new favorite series of all time. I love Carl, the holy shit plans, the twists and how when you think you know when it’s going to end it surprises you again. I love the worldbuilding and how it fleshes out the universe and it makes it feel lived in and how it asks hard questions of those inside them. All the characters are great, each with their own unique motivations and how different they can be more from each other. my only complaint is that I wish we can see Carl doing more badass stuff next chapter. Donut can kill 1000s of people at a time and Carl is still in clusters. Donut was never my favorite because of all the mean comments and stupid choices she makes but I remind myself she’s a child, stressed and probably joking. I can’t tell sarcasm very well so I can never tell when shes being serious or not. I love were you’re going with the river in the back of carls mind and how it’s not him being crazy that there’s an actual deeper meaning. Carl is my favorite character followed by Pony, Mordeca and then Elle. Why does Juicebox love Louis and how would carls friends describe Carl’s personality.
Bo Jarrell
Will backstage at the pineapple cabaret be in the kickstarter version of book one? Or will I have to buy a different book?
Heather Terwilliger
So Donut has a new class, does that mean she is no longer a Child Actor? Does that mean they lose Mordecai?
Alex Borrero
Her constitution increase is because of her cape and not her base skill. So Carl still is.
Ilya Taytslin
She should be
william brown
Yes like in "life reset" there is a page before the epilogue breaking down all the stats. On a separate note, is donut the party leader again with her huge constitution increase?
Matthew Burt
I think the fact is that pain intense pain would snap you out of it. In a similar case the possessed crawlers on 5th floor just had to scrape their hand against a wall
Matthew Burt
Fi believe it was florins crew that was mainly dealing with it.
Michael Grimmett
I know the last few books have stopped the "Character sheet" aspect, but I would love a rundown at the beginning/end of each book. I understand not interrupting the action, but a summary at the end would be interesting to see how crazy their stats have gotten!
Immortal R.C.
It took me a bit to remember why Carl is married we the fans voted for him to marry that damn Naga
chase howell
The thing the war crime spell makes it that the enemy doesn't die whatever you do. She's definitely gonna jump a few levels. It's curious how cool this "Oak Fell" will be.
chase howell
Damnit! I'm caught up
TKO
Right, thanks!
Carolina Vieira
She has the cloak from Quan’s (I think that’s the name). The cloak gave her a higher constitution to match the points she had with her highest stat.
Aaron
"SAY THE WORD, AND DEATH WILL RAIN IN MY NAME." It sure will...sweet baby Uzi Jesus.
TKO
Re-reading this chapter got me thinking about the little fact that she just killed 15k combatants with the astral paw skill. What's the skill level going to do? And what about her own level? That's a lot of carnage. Also, she has higher constitution then carl?
Derek Reilly
An "antenna" hanging below the fupa, placed there by a "trap master." My hats off to you sir.
Konlin Gappmayer
That’s a good point. He would have had to mark them pretty much immediately.
Ilya Taytslin
Honestly, I had seen much worse. It is NOT a bovine bestiality thing.
Lauren
Does anyone remember what Donut’s ‘Sentry’ spell does?
william brown
Ok good, I must have not noticed. I was worried lol
Brent
Could be that the person causing the charm can also break it. Mordecai might not know this because it may not have ever happened.
Matthew Burt
The demon eviction is already happening. It was noted a few posts back
william brown
Better. A containment spell on Carl's doomsday scenerio.
william brown
So... I hate to be that guy, but isn't there suppose to be a demon eviction by now since it started so early on the last floor?
paul klee
Or I guess that was from Eris’ witness spell.
paul klee
Isn’t that why the teleport ban finally lifted?
paul klee
Also, the scavenger’s daughter debuffs usually have a related buff after the god has moved from the realm. Assuming that having your wang fall off if you get an erection counts as the bad news (debuff), should we advise Carl to see a doctor if the good news lasts more than four hours?
paul klee
Donut can worship Odette, which would certainly be something to Mordecai and the sort of batshit situation Matt seems to like to put himself into. Also, Li’Na and Donut just killed the god (admittedly feral, but thus not immortal) Meatus who was explicitly stated as having a health bar descending and then to be in the middle of the Astral Paw covered in fleshers and unable to escape just before it goes through the slap chop cheese cuber. So that should be interesting.
Betty
I hope the next floor is a puzzle level
Betty
She’s like Loki god of mischief. I love it
Betty
Also she was able to able to take any constitution boost from any of her hats and combine them into her crown
Douglas Erdman
I think the problem with using the ring is the target has to be at 100% health. The fleshers were already in the ball and targeting the Princess Posse's enemies, so the minute the ball broke and the invulnerability dropped, the fleshers started doing damage, bringing them below 100% health, so Carl wasn't able to mark them. This would also cover Li Na not being able to mark them either.
Douglas Erdman
You're right! Although with the deaths happening right at the end of the Chapter, the AI didn't get to make the announcement. It should just be the Princess Posse, Team Retribution, and the War Mages left now.
J S
That's Justice Light
Zauz
We have not seen it yet, Samantha said she can feel her child in the throne room of the castle.
Zauz
Yeah but Samantha specifically said her child is on the 9th floor and in the throne room. If its not revealed here it will be gone when the floor collapses
Jim Robinson
At this point, nothing is up to chance. The AI is fully feral and going rogue. The AI absolutely did that just to be an asshole.
Jim Robinson
No I don't think so. It's a dangling plot thread. And it probably isn't going to be addressed. I think there's lots of those, like Carl's Christmas presents.
Jim Robinson
The Princess has not yet been mentioned in the story yet. She is an unintroduced character. We only know about her due to the poll. So don't worry, you haven't really missed anything official yet.
Jim Robinson
He can't do that. If he did it would violate the rules of the cookbook and it would disappear forever.
Jim Robinson
I think she did it just to prevent him from getting an erection and losing his penis. I don't think anti-charm or anything else had to do with it.
Treamayne
Well, as soon as the invulnerable went away, the damage from fleshers started. Was there time to mark anybody at 100% health?
Ilya Taytslin
That IS an inconsistency. Mordecai said in Book 2 that to break charm you have to break a finger yourself.
Joseph Harris
I’m not talking about Crawler kills. I don’t think the two of them even killed any Crawlers from that ball. I think they specifically targeted the enemy. There probably won’t even be any skulls. And they most definitely do share when killing enemy forces.
Ilya Taytslin
I don't think skulls were ever shared. Every time a crawler was killed, only one person in the party got a skull.
Ilya Taytslin
The other thing missing in this chapter has been stat updates. We still don't know everything Donut got from the cloak, for example. Also I don't think there has been a single boss on this floor, but I suppose there wouldn't be, except at the very edges of the map.
Ilya Taytslin
Sounds like quite a threesome!
Ilya Taytslin
No, it does not matter who kills the marked target. At the end of The Butcher's Masquerade Carl marked Vrah, and got the stat boost after Mongo killed her. Also, when Frank and Maggie had the ring, they made their daughter wear it and mark targets even though they did all the killing.
waterkangaroo
YOU might and I might, but HE certainly wouldn't 😂 poor boy has everyone thirsting after him while all he wants is revenge and a nap
son of gaming
Love these chapters and love Eris as a character. I would definitely ship carl having an extramarital affair
Treamayne
Fridge realization: Comments keep mentioning "killed 15k" - but weren't the other Warlords in there too? if Agatha's Emergency Action is still in effect, won't they have also killed everybody from the Dream and Reavers that were not in the battle formation too?
Treamayne
Well, Donut got credit for killing Mayor Elmer when she used Astral paw to knock him down the bank to the river in TBM Ch 6
Konlin Gappmayer
Why wouldn’t Carl mark at least some of the 15000? I know he’s worried about donut but that seems uncharacteristic of him.
Erik Brown
This book has been pure madness. I feel like I know about 80% of what’s going on. I miss understanding all of the plot twists fully, but I think rereading the final release will help. But I’m with you on a chill chapter. Loot boxes and crafting would be nice.
Erik Brown
I’m cool with this theory. I like Carl’s “chaos” and she creeps me out. Plus her magic is confusing to me. If we need to sacrifice someone in the group… I vote the sociopath.
A. Dawson
Milk gave me a quick smile, and she too, jumped, her wings spreading out, causing her to glide away. I thought Milk only had one wing?
FauxLegs
Mongo, Heel on this hill so I can heal you
Mike Gainor
Googles hucow immediately after reading instructions not to google hucow.
Dennis Gregory
Donut is now terrifyingly powerful with the Cloak fully activated.
Dennis Gregory
Isn’t that what the city elf cult militia thing were freaking out about in book 3 (2)? And the oak bracelet is important in the ascension storyline (with the memory crystal, katia’s crossbow and ???
Dennis Gregory
I miss the announcers. They’d be going absolutely bananas at War Crime. Maybe a recap show scene? It’d be a fun way to do the recap at the start of the next book.
Mark Macaré
Damn, so close to finally being able to use Hekla's crossbow
Freiler Thompson
So did Eris break his pinkie just for fun since the anti-charm effect only works if you do it to yourself?
waterkangaroo
well at least the AI approves of your work!
waterkangaroo
Heel just sounds like Heal, so it'll be confusing for audiobook listeners
waterkangaroo
no he doesn't have to kill them himself
Mark Macaré
The killed woman Carl finds at the start of the first floor, killed by Frank.
waterkangaroo
Carl can only use the ring on entities at 100% health. I doubt that was many of them
Mark Macaré
Just Google it. What's the worst that could happen? At least you'll share the emotional scarring with Donut. 😇
Treamayne
That's correct. I've been working on a project for the Discord - I call it the AudioCrawler Glossary - a list of easily misspelled names and terms for those that listened, but never saw the names in text. . .
Daniel Rue
"Not quite a Ghost Ship trap, it's very similar to the Three Body Problem trap" I had forgotten about those, and in my mind thought more of the final laser gauntlet hallway trap from the first Resident Evil movie.
Erik Leiden
I believe you can but maybe I'm wrong
Patrick Kenney
Finishes chapter and immediately googles hucow
Luis O
Thank got Meatus isn’t here
Daniel Rue
"...relieved that the AI (and the author, you) decided to let carl keep his penis. you were going to break a lot of fanfics authors hearts there." I remember reading somewhere that Matt writes multiple versions of some chapters before deciding on a path forward and releasing things. Which means... there may be a crumpled piece of paper in a waste bin out there somewhere in the world where Carl has to deal with never getting an erection ever again forever for fear of losing his penis.
E13design
Heel (which I still think would be fine in audio form you just literally need a line that says "Carl, Carl I got a new spell, its called Heel...why would I want to help those guys." 'Let me look. No its heel, like the heel of your boot.' "Oh, well that makes more sense. I will crush them all with my heel spell." I mean there are so many fun misinterpretations of this that donut could use each time she referenced it. Can we vote on changing it back?
E13design
Oh right, because it fell through the gate. Did we see it this book?
E13design
Correct. @Laura it can be tough to keep it all straight while reading the pre release since Matt makes edits/retcons during the process. When the book releases I would read it again from the begining. You're basically on episode 200 of Naruto and forgetting a reference from the Chunin exames.
E13design
Yes, more chains. Yes she has a ring, from the orc king.
Daniel Rue
- Imagine if you had one of those wire slicer kitchen tools (just google kitchen wire slicer). - Imagine instead of like 5 wires side-by-side, it was a crisscross net - Imagine you have a handful of freshly steamed, soft carrots in your hand. - Imagine your hand is ethereal and it can phase through objects harmlessly. - Now imagine you with your fist full of carrots go "swipe swipe swipe", moving your hand down through the wire cutter then back up and back down again multiple times. Your hand passes through the wires harmlessly... but the carrots? - In the end you have a handful of mashed carrot.
Barry Jones
Eris. Just mentioned in book one during a description.
E13design
I was thinking they could share spell books this way. Not sure what Milk meant.
E13design
He would have had to kill them though right? Can't mark and let someone else do the killing.
Daniel Rue
Right?! I saw that and was like, "OH SNAP, THE CITY ELF WAS RIGHT!"
Daniel Rue
I just went back a chapter to read the War Crime spell. The spell itself will not kill the targets, no matter what (even if the target is chopped up to goo), which is why they needed the "finisher" of Li Na's "net". So Donut will probably get partial credit, but Li Na is technically the one who killed them. It would be like if Donut pushed somebody on to a sword Li Na was holding. Who gets credit? Kind of a toss up, I could see it going both ways. Maybe they'll both get credit?
Alexandria C Adams
Quan's coat took her lowest stat and made it her highest, which is why she has more constitution than he does now.
Daniel Rue
Especially with Donut claiming to have more Constitution than Carl. Has he been slacking in assigning points or been neglecting Constitution? Last I remember Donut was in super low double-digits. Does anybody remember when the last time their stats were specifically written out?
Daniel Rue
for a slightly more specific, detailed imagery, I imagined that laser hallway scene from the first Resident Evil movie. Also realize, if I remember correctly all of those soldiers didn't (and won't) die... I forget what the condition was for ending the spell and allowing them to die was. It might not have been an option though. [edit] Scratch that -- the details of the spell were that the War Crime spells themselves specifically could not kill the targets. That's why they had Li Na's "net" in place. So... yeah they're dead, and technically it was Li Na's "net" that killed them. Not sure how the AI will rule that though, if they get shared credit or if one gets credit and the other doesn't.
Daniel Rue
What I imagined when I read that tidbit: Matt and the fans all riding in a giant bus. Matt leans over and asks the fans, "So hey, where are we going anyway?" and the fans answer, "Not sure, you're the driver." Matt then looks around and notices there's no steering wheel, no gas, and no break. He kicks his feet up on the dash, puts his hands behind his head, and laughs.
Teal
The pen sounds ominous. Could Carl learn new magic now?? Such as write an enchantment on a stick of dynamite! Also I am stretching my thinking here but who is the character we met from the first book that is major going forward? I reread but I am clearly not getting that hint.
Treamayne
That's the thing though. I'm not saying it does not make sense. I'm saying that when I double checked the chapters after Loita's Death (GFG Ch 18) I could find no reference in books 4-6 that Veriluxx officially stopped sponsoring Donut. The only "you lost a sponsor" messages I could find were for Carl (Valtay) and Donut (D'Nadia).I just wanted to point it out in case Matt needs to add a one-liner earlier in this book about having Veriluxx stop/sell their sponsorship (or change this to "third sponsor" - since it is within reason that Veriluxx would continue just for the advertising, but never send a Sponsor box)
Pete Adams
Of course obviously, now I feel daft! Do you know bijanbi means then? My life would be complete if you did!
Jenkins
It sounds too much like heal.
Pete Adams
What does Bijanbi mean? Can’t find anything after googling! Also way can’t they say Heel on audio?????
TKO
I looked up Hucow, did not know it was a thing outside The Boys. Also, allmost pissed myself laughing when the wheel of loosing ones dick was spinning. Awesome chapter. Floor 17? What ?
Dehlan Sage
She has a ring? When he said she "grew more" I think it meant grew more chains as they broke
vitiral
I get the feeling Li Na did, hence her growing in size. It seems to me that Li Na is going to be the primary "ring bearer", with all the drama that will bring.
vitiral
I think that's an indication she DOESN'T know, since if she did know she would know better than mention it.
vitiral
Good chapter, couple of things: First: needs more Carl reflection. I get that the scale has desensitized him. I get that he's angry at the aliens and knows they deserve it. But it's still a lot of people dying. The crawlers are doing more than fight for survival now, they are hitting back. He should have more of this sinking into his psyche both naturally and in the chains that bind She Maria. Second: I'm getting Pratchet Sorcery vibes from the giant magical towers shooting at eachother -- is that an influence? If so, I feel like there should be a leather hat made from the skins of 8 war mages. Agatha wears this hat and it's how she's controlling the War mages or whatever. Or it's a part of that.
Pete Adams
What does Bijanbi mean?And why can’t you say Heel???
Dehlan Sage
They all seemed pretty dead to me lol
Sandboy OC
And never heal again because a single one of them got away?
Andrew Millen
I kinda feel like the jeopardy of the net was a bit anti climactic, or was the purpose of the net just to force Donut to not be able to use a fire based spell thus causing Astral Paw?
Andrew Millen
She has like, mega intelligence though right?
Joseph Harris
Oh,man. I wonder who is going to get credit for all of those kills? Li Na or Donut? I’m guessing it will be shared but think they’ll be the two most powerful Crawlers after this is done.
Steven Byrne
Ghost ship
austin kutz
Isn't "krakaren prime" just a racist caricature of The Apothecary?
austin kutz
I doubt his junk would still work after 200+ years of dormancy.
Carolina Vieira
Patreon notifications with a new chapter are one of the highlights of my life rn, can’t wait for the whole book to be ready! Matt, you amazing bastard!
austin kutz
I'm 99% confident that Li Na just utterly wrecked her sanity by targeting all those aliens with her ring. Carl was barely holding on with both a divine blessing and an item with a level 10 enchantment, and his own mental resistance skill. It's only now that his mental resistance skill has broken past level 15 that he can fully resist the effects. I don't think Li Na has anything like that. So in a few days, she's probably going to start coming apart at the seams
austin kutz
The sand ooze?
austin kutz
Probably something like 70% are dead and 20% are hiding somewhere safe
SoapCarver
Oh... that makes a lot more sense. And here my dumb butt was like 'They can draw a tattoo in the book and everyone can share that skill. I see!'. That... wouldn't work. At all. Unless it was peelaway ink maybe. But just, no.
Patrick Turner
Can't get enough. Any future SBT season two plans?
Patrick Turner
Maybe it will be like stepping on a can of worms in bear feet
Jordan Reynolds
"I sure hope the rest of the story goes smoothly for our heroes. " D: you, the author, saying this... now I have a very deep fear of what's going to happen.
Big I
15,000 dead enemies seems light. Weren't there 150,000 alien mercenaries at the beginning of the floor? Did 90% of them die before now?
Fuzzy Wuz Writing
I… I have written hucow erotica. Fuck.
SqrlyGrly
I'm pretty sure she's only mentioned in the poll. She is a Naga princess
Andrew Bartlett
Loita. I may be spelling that incorrectly.
Mindy Dozhier
Just the way she shook and said she could actually feel them under her paw as she chopped them to pieces.... I would guess that pretty much guaranteed emotional damage
Mindy Dozhier
She is a mass murderer now. She slapped and crushed them between her paw and sharp chains, chopping and grinding them into pulpy pieces and into an agonizing death. 15 thousand people. THOUSAND. She felt every bit of it and heard their agonized screams. How many of them were innocents conscripted into service? This will give her severe PTSD, she may never fully come back from it. She will certainly be changed forever. Guaranteed she will be reliving it in her nightmares for many years to come. 😢 poor kitten
Suruten
Everything so far has been amazing. Only thing missing is the crafting. I wanted to see what justice light and Mordecai are making. Hopefully in the next book we'll get some more insane stuff. Thank you Matt. Having this to look forward to keeps me going.
Laura Hemly
I think it was pretty clear after they used the exploding Donut toy to kill the awful woman (can't think of her name -- Zev's boss) that Veriluxx wanted nothing more to do with Donut. At that point, I seem to recall Donut beginning her wait for a replacement sponsor.
Crystal Donak
Me either. I was like WTF just happened. More then once.
Laura Hemly
Anything that hurts Donut hurts m we. 😓
Laura Hemly
Princess Chandra? I don't even remember who she is! I really need to pay closer attention to this book. It's such a challenging story overall, just losing track of one or two chapters or characters has left me all mixed up and confused. Thanks for putting up with my temporary ignorance, everybody. 😳😳
Paulamarie Young
Thanks 👍
Michael Alpert-Appell
You slay me you wholesome bastard.
Katyna Smith
Still not googling it! Love the effort though!
Michael Alpert-Appell
Oh you monster.
Michael Alpert-Appell
One hundred percent, brother.
Mike Gierhart
“A few light chapters” 😭
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
I suppose Carl *could have* kept his penis if he used a chastity device of some kind right away, and then worn it till he left the dungeon + finished his exit deal. 🤣 It would've taken quite a while, but then the dungeon curses would no longer apply once he became a citizen of the galaxy.
James Rosado
I pictured it more like one of those kitchen gadgets used to dive up hard boiled eggs. Lol
Mike Gierhart
All the enemy forces floated up against Donut’s astral paw and stuck there. Meanwhile, Li Na wove a lattice of sharp chains underneath them. When Donut slammed the paw down, it forced them through what was essentially a giant cheese grater.
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
Hucow = humble cow. It's a fiction genre about humble, polite, and demure cows who enjoy quiet and peaceful lives with their equally humble cow friends. 😌 Those stories are remarkably wholesome, you should read them. :)
Scott Obernesser
Obviously I love everything about the series. But I’m going to be real hurt if casting that atrocity scarred Donut’s soul.
Michael T
As I read it, when the ball broke apart, their allies all fell downwards and were caught by the Bounce House spell, while everyone else all rose upwards and were caught by the Astral Paw spell. But it isn’t yet clear, and your interpretation is totally plausible too. Still though, even if you’re correct (which, for the sake of Donut’s wellbeing, let’s hope you are), there still had to be a decent number of conscripted crawlers in that ball. She’d receive dozens of skulls instead of hundreds.
Andrew L
I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until the wheel clicked that last click.
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
You know it 🤣🤣 It's specifically erotica where the woman is the cow and the dude is a dude. Now you know everything I was *willing* to read. I don't recommend the photos 🤣
Andrew L
Someone had to, so the rest of us didn’t have to. Doing the real work here!
username here
Just to clarify the image you were supposed to receive, what she did was functionally equivalent to "slap chopping" them all to death.
FauxLegs
Next climax is going to be something with Shi Maria, Juice box, and Samantha. I don’t know how.
Erik Leiden
Hope Carl used the ring on that large group of full-health enemies before their inevitable death!
FauxLegs
First dead crawler Carl stumbled upon in dungeon, killed by Crawler Frank Q. Or something
Mikel G
So, Carl can cut and past the Cookbook into the Book of Voodoo for everyone and it will be permanent?
SoapCarver
Technically, he put several rings on it. They're just all on Carl's feet. :P
Jim Robinson
Oooh! Thank you for the explanation. I did not understand she mashed them through the chain mesh. That was not comprehended by me.
Michael T
Also, I think this is the clearest sign yet that Donut knows about the Cookbook (that is, she understands that the chicken and goblin recipe book Carl got on the 4th floor allows him to somehow exchange information with Rosetta, Milk, and other former crawlers). I’m impressed that she figured it out.
Ligma
Have you ever tried putting live bait on a hook when fishing? Imagine that but now with the lives of tens of thousands and you can feel them in excruciating detail being squished, pulped, and mutilated beyond recognition. Every. Single. One. The AI is probably really giddy about it too, probably has some kind of squish fetish.
Douglas Erdman
Unless they were conscripted, it sounded like the spell only brought enemies.
Douglas Erdman
Li Na got off Harpocrates in the previous chapter. Carl threw up because Donut pushed 15,000 soldiers thru Li Na’s chain mesh. Picture making mashed potatoes pushing potatoes thru a screen. That’s why Carl threw up
Jim Robinson
I don't get it. Why was she upset? Wasn't the plan to kill them all? Why did Carl throw up? This part was very incomprehensible to me for some reason.
Jim Robinson
It likely won't be until the opening of the next book.
Jim Robinson
I... don't think I understood what it actually did. For some reason I had a very hard time understanding this part.
Jim Robinson
In the last poll, the top vote was Carl getting married in absentia to Princess Chandra (or something like that).
Jim Robinson
Wasn't Li Ma riding the God? When did she get into the towers? Also, I don't really understand what just happened. Why did Carl throw up?
Ranen
I love the set up for the ascendency arc. Please please please do not make us wait till the next book to learn all of the new loot and spells/abilities for our protagonists. I feel like I could use an update character sheet or something so that I know what’s going on with everyone (or at the minimum just Carl and Donut)
Loah
What the fuuuuuuuck. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Michael T
Did Donut just earn, like, HUNDREDS of player-killer skulls with that one spell? I’m pretty sure she just killed every crawler inside that giant ball of 15,000 people who isn’t a Posse member, including Osvaldo and his whole team.
Dehlan Sage
Was it a waste for carl not to use the ring?
Laura Hemly
Remind me -- who is Rebecca W.? I am drawing a complete blank.
Laura Hemly
Carl is married? Huh? I think I've missed some stuff. Life has been confusing thanks to stupid Milton -- and 5 days without power! -- so I need to go back and read this book from the beginning, find out what I've missed or gotten confused about because I think it's a whole bunch! I do love Milk, though. She seems extra-sweet; I'm glad they found her and got her out of that guild she was trapped in. And now I'm really, REALLY worried about Donut. She could end up so damaged, which would be just WRONG for such a great cat! Please, Matt, make sure Carl and Donut come out of this whole dungeon mess at least okay, not hideously damaged!
Katyna Smith
On my niece's 18th birthday and we were playing Cards Against Humanity and she's googling what Bukkake was and we were all dying a little inside and that's why I won't google what hucow is.
Jani
Obsessed !!!
Kim Webster
So Eris says “this is going to be delicious”—Eris, delicious? Hmm, 🍏? ΤΗΙ ΚΑΛΛΙΣΤΗΙ? And Carl has a negative association with 🍎🍏 thanks to Frank… RIP Rebecca W.
Baurzhan Dosym
Bruh Eris sounds like a lot of fun ahhh we shouldn't have voted for carl to get married it would be way better to see carl Romance between him and Eris if I think now
Dragan
Holy guacamole. I’ve said this in the past but damn, every time I can’t but wander what is more climactic than this. And this was a light chapter release?
Zauz
What is happening with Samantha's child? Is it just gone forever after this floor?
FauxLegs
So Donut is The Oak Fell? What was the prophesy on that? Something like the chosen one that will kill all the gods?
michael steinsland
The hardcover books have small chapters of a story called Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret in them. So if you have been buying the hardcover books you can read parts 1 &2.
Stephen Greenwood
And I shall be eternally grateful.
Dirty Dibbler
Thanks Matt. I think this is the first I’ve seen mention of which book you planned to be the last
Ilya Taytslin
“Mentioned”, not introduced. And it has to be Eris. She is mentioned in chapter 34 of book 1
James Rosado
This chapter was amazing! War Crime was even worse than I imagined it would be
Treamayne
Thank you again. . . " from the Apothecary. She still didn’t have a second sponsor." I cannot find any reference in books 4-6 that Veriluxx officially stopped sponsoring Donut, so shouldn;t this be "third sponsor?"
Runae Lee
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Matt D
I have no idea how book 8 is going to go. But I have always planned on the second-to-last book being the Ascendency if I can keep Carl alive long enough to get there.
Matt D
THIS IS ALL YOU GET. For now.
Adam Nausley
So what level is Donut going to be now?
Douglas Erdman
I'm hoping at least one of the remaining chapters will slow things down a bit to allow for Carl & Donut and others to check achievements/messages from gods/open lootboxes. Donut & Li Na are going to be getting MONSTER XP for taking out 15,000 soldiers. I wonder who's going to be at the top of the leaderboard once this is all over? also DON'T FORGET LOUIS!!!!!! #SAVELOUIS!!
Ross Barber
Amazing chapters! Is the character introduced in chapter 1 that we got to meet here Milk? Or did I miss another character in these chapters?
Pierce
Eris is immediately one of my new favorites. What an awesome entrance
waterkangaroo
"It stopped on Dick will fall off! hovered for a second, then ticked over to Level-15 Pied Piper!" assuming this was NOT up to chance....why is the AI the funniest motherfucker on the planet 😂
Parker Cobb
Matt, you truly are the best author out right now. This is incredible. No other form of media, whether on screen, audio, or the written word, has the ability to evoke such a wide range of emotions from me. I've been tearing up because a sad part happened, then I literally bust out laughing a few lines later. I go from pounding my chest in excitement, to utter terror and horror. You're truly a master at your craft, and we're all lucky to be alive at a time to enjoy your art. Thank you!!
Douglas Erdman
Both Carl & Donut have done a LOT since they last opened boxes & reviewed their achievements. I think Carl has a fan box that was being voted on by only the Naga, so I'm guessing that fanbox is the marriage in absentia...
Parker Cobb
See, I thought it was Krakaren Prime. Funnily enough, I just re read that reference and, in reference to the Krakaren Clones and their mysterious "end goal" it says "Even Eris, Goddess of Chaos, doesn't want anything thing to do with these crazy assholes"
Terra
I, personally, am waiting for the "We're going to have to do some experimenting with this one" from the vore achievement. i guess the AI *did* put him in the vicinity of a giant frog. Too bad Carl didn't get eaten by it.
Dirty Dibbler
Yes, book 1 covered two floors conventionally and book 5 covered 2 floors a bit more dramatically, but as the floors timelines get longer, it seems harder to fit two full floors in a book without making the book extra long
waterkangaroo
agreed 😔 the AI DID put a ring on it first! I think that should count for something
Tobias
It sounds like we'll be getting one book in between this one and the Ascendancy. I'm relieved. As exciting as book 7 is, it's been going at supersonic speed. Rereading the earlier novels, it's so nice to have people just meet up at the Desperado club and talk and do a little shopping every now and then. We need a bit of a breather, man! (And then more war crimes)
waterkangaroo
I'm booking at least two days off work in November specifically for this book's release 🙏 You've already gotten so much of my money Matt, may as well give you my vacation days too
Dirty Dibbler
Oh I missed that. It must be from the poll he posted awhile back with that option about the marriage certificate thing
Terra
another comment, because i forgot this in my long list of "what the fuck" moments WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S ALREADY MARRIED? THAT COUNTS? WHAT THE FUCK!??
Dirty Dibbler
It hasn’t been announced. In this chapter it was hinted at when donut mentioned a benefactor box and that Bautista would be mad, meaning donut will travel with us to floor 10 and SOMETHING else will happen to Katia. I’m assuming it’s different than her flower thing that would make her an attendant for the Ascendancy since this current plan was dependent on Donuts benefactor box
Stephen Greenwood
Same here!
Kevin Parker
Oh yeah I completely forgot about that. The AI and Carl would have made a cute couple.
Mindy Dozhier
"I can feel them under my paw" 😢
Stephen Greenwood
Also, a release for Veteran's Day is perfect; I can gorge myself on free food and read a great book while people thank me for my service.
Ryan
I preordered the audiobook the moment I saw the push notification for this. Donut's war crime combo is amazing. I hope the combo on future levels doesn't have that fucked up War Crime bonus where the victims don't die, just suffer. That's soo fucked, my God dude. Also, I love how you revealed that Carl is married like that. That's going to be so confusing for the masses. Eris is amazing. I love the concept of a god that reveals dangerous information for kicks.
waterkangaroo
unfortunately not 😔 a recent poll for the naga fan box selected Marriage Certificate as one of the prizes. He has yet to open that loot box!
Kevin Parker
Was the foot massage from book 6 actually just a marriage ceremony? Is Carl married to the AI?
Ilya Taytslin
Matt already said some books will cover more than one floor. Come to think of it, some already did :)
Dirty Dibbler
But think about the levels gained by killing so many high level combatants, not to mention to top tier boxes and loot that will be available
waterkangaroo
thank you for the kink education Mat- I mean AI. Hucow is a new one for me! 🐄😦 still waiting on the AI to follow up on its "You are in fucking trouble" from the Unbirthing achievement 🤔👀
Terra
it's so hard writing comments for these chapters because i feel like so much happens in the chapters and i just loved all of it. -the way milk wrote more in the book but it was lost over time! maybe rosetta was able to see those recipes when she read the book, but carl wasn't and that's why she thought he was being a dumbass when he didn't get what she was talking about! -y'know i agree with carl that this is some bullshit but it *is* classic Lucia Mar to leave traps like that and then disappear. to the point that while i wish it weren't happening, i know it must. pretty genius writing, honestly. -the whole scene with the Deity benefits had be both laughing like crazy and yelling in horror. i had to get up and walk around. relieved that the AI (and the author, you) decided to let carl keep his penis. you were going to break a lot of fanfics authors hearts there. -Eris!! everything with Eris! she was perfect! no notes! she broke his finger! she told him stuff and he immediately disregarded it! classic carl -speaking of carl forgetting things, i love how you always have him go "before I could think about X crazy thing, Y happens" it is doing so much leg work for you. genuinely, he just doesn't have the time for all this stuff. (speaking about donut and katia's plan) dramatic irony, my beloved. -the War Crime spell. it's so perfect. it is exactly fitting that it be her paw. poor donut. -ANOTHER MENTION OF SAM. every time carl's life comes up, i remember everything he's lost. i'm sure he does too. Just another set of baller chapters!! the second where the AI let the spinner sit on "dick falls off" was definitely my favorite, though. he was so relieved XD constantly harassed, that man. keep it up!! can't wait for when it comes out!! already preordered it :)
Ilya Taytslin
Yes, and I believe it is Eris. She is mentioned in chapter 34 ob Book 1.
Dirty Dibbler
At least 9 based on his comment
Dirty Dibbler
You and I must have been writing the same comment at the same time
Stephen Greenwood
Not quite a Ghost Ship trap, it's very similar to the Three Body Problem trap you referenced to me on one of my comments awhile back. While I will still hope and plead specifically for a cable that decapitates enemies, this is more than generous of you to add to your writing. Thank you 🙏.
Dirty Dibbler
Ok hold on. Was that a typo or did you let something slip. We met a prominent character of book 9… assuming you mean Eris and the Ascendancy. If book 7=floor 9 and book 9= floor 12, then books 7 epilogue and book 8 equal floors 10 and 11
Ilya Taytslin
Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret is a side novella, added at the end of each newly published hardcover edition. So far book 1 and book 2 had come out, and that's where you find parts 1 and 2 of Pineapple Cabaret. Hardcover book 3 is coming out next week, I think.
Danielle Black
I already pre-ordered the audio. Not normally a kindle user, but I may get that too. Have cracked into the Backstage stories at the end of the hard covers, which are amazing. Hey Matt - are there release dates for the rest of the hard covers yet?
Kelly Cobb
I really wish I could reach through the screen and give Donut a hug right now.
waterkangaroo
H A M S T E R E R O T I C A god I cannot WAIT for book 4 hardcover
Douglas Erdman
Did everyone catch the major hint Matt gave us at the end? "We finally got to meet someone who was first mentioned in book 1 and is going to be one of the major players of book 9." Sounds like Book 8 is Floors 10 & 11 and Book 9 will be Floor 12: The Celestial Ascendancy!
Immortal R.C.
I saw the pre-order a couple days ago bought it on Kindle, and posted to my other DCC fanatics
Terra
they are in the back of the new hardcover versions of the book that have been coming out! looks like this -> https://signedpage.com/products/dungeon-crawler-carl-by-matt-dinniman (there aren't anymore here but they're available on amazon, or in most stores like walmart or barnes&noble if you live in america)
SoapCarver
When the literal embodiment of chaos knows that stealing men ain't cool. I can't wait to see when she pops up again.
waterkangaroo
I was ROLLING with laughter at the Meatus effect 😂THANK you Daddy AI for saving Carl's penis 🙏 I assume the AI would never have allowed it to land on Dick BeGone since Carl getting random erections is so funny, but oh my god the AI had SUCH a good time scaring Carl with that one 😂
waterkangaroo
LIGHT CHAPTER???? THAT WAS A LIGHT CHAPTER??????????
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Also you know I looked it up. Dairy cow erotica?!?! 🤣🤣🤣
David
As someone still relatively new to all this can someone explain the Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret. Where can I find part 1-3 of those since Matt just finished part 4. Thanks in advance yall.
Fred Dery
Thanks Matt! Awesome chapters, as always!!
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Pre-ordered duh!!
Nick Cottrell
Matt... you are amazing and i love this world you have built. You are truly top tier sir. I cant wait to see what iterations of it come in the future. The more the better.
Matt D
There won't be another until after the epilogue post.
SqrlyGrly
What possible reason would you need to learn this? You're search history must be weirder than mine...
Matt D
"Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret" is the bonus material that is at the back of the hardcover releases one can pickup at Barnes and Noble, etc. Ace books paid for the bonus material. It exists because of them, and I am not allowed to post it anywhere. The stories only exist in the back of the hardcovers. It's a separate novella told from the POV of NPCs, chopped up into 4K pieces at the end of each hardcover release. Part 1 is called "Rory."
Tyrant Grant
A few months ago, I was worried this was going to be the final book. Glad we will be getting more...
CrashCanuck
Song choice is appropriate both for Donut casting War Crime and Carl.
Matt D
It is *very* popular. I had to learn all about it a few weeks back, and I have no subjected it on you. You were warned.
Tom
Sweetness!
Veeral Tolia
Where do we order the paperback from?
Matt D
Gonk!
Matt D
I'm *hoping* it'll eventually get its own release because if it does that means we can actually get it in audio. We'll see.
Crazydiamond
YAY!! Two great things.. First, finally another Patreon post that I can read part of (because I don't want spoilers) and 2 I finally get to preorder the audio book!! Now I have to figure out how to wait another four months.
Daniel Brian
I read that and shouted "Oh shit!" Then read Carl's line "Oh shit!" 😂
Daniel Brian
I was all "Already?! F'n awesome!!"
Daniel Brian
Love this chapter! Feels very Carl! I know it's silly, since he's the protagonist, he won't die, but I was a little concerned with how he was going to get through it for the last 4 chapters! Great Job!
Adam
After the hardcovers are published, do you think the Pineapple Cabaret can be sold as a separate ebook? Fantastic chapters as always!
Mariah Renner
Preordered and marked on my calendar. My whole family knows I will be unavailable following both release days. Hell I even bought a new Kindle. Seriously the most exciting book release for me since the last Dark Tower. I can't wait!
Christine Brown
Poor Donut :( that hurt but not the way I expected. Thanks Matt, can't wait for the next drop!
Ren
Absolutely amazing!! Everything is pre-ordered and I can't wait!
riyon hutton
Wow we need to find out more. On a side note my cocker spaniel mix HAS been licking her butt for more than a half hour lately. She’d be a great tattoo
SqrlyGrly
I shoulda listened to the AI and not googled that. I don't need to know that was a thing. Esp not enough of a thing to act have a name. 🤢
Ilya Taytslin
"I could see Dong Quixote at the base of the tower, still astride Dong" Shouldn't it be "still astride Simoom"?
Kim Webster
You know you have a problem when you get a notification of new chapters that interrupts your ?th re-listen of the epilogue from Gate of the Feral Gods.
Duke GIJOE
I must have missed some updates. "Backstage at the Pineapple Cabaret" parts 1-4? What? Is level 17 called Pineapple Cabaret?
TrevorV
Recently joined, saw on the epub compilation post a while back there would be an updated epub with edits and changes soon, any idea when that might be coming? Eager to read it but hate to get confused by plot changes lol.
Vickie Rashvand
Just finished reading and still… aaaaaaargh!!!!!!
Shane
So Great. The plot gets deeper!! And mom’s pulling into the driveway! What will the 10th floor be?? similar to…..?
Eduardo diaz
Omg huge new chapter
Katyna Smith
I am so stressed about Donut's mental health. This is so heartbreaking.
ListenTo100PercentEat
Insane Matt! The stakes just keep getting higher, and the need to go back and comb through the old books for links and context of what you keep dropping is at an all time high. Super happy for all the success coming your way! Glad I could be one small part of it.
Nick Sloan
I’m glad Carl got to keep his Johnson.
Frank Morgana
Pre-ordered the audiobook! I've missed quasar in this book. Not enough
Cody Pruett
Well I can’t wait man. My buddy and I are huge fans and appreciate you for creating an awesome universe my man!
Dragan
Wow, he wasn’t kidding with hard and fast. Thanks Matt, haven’t read yet but excited!
Shantih Moriarty
Oh donut…. I’m not feeling good about this….
Matt D
Yes. Out on 11/11. There will be a preorder for this as well, but they require to book to, uh, actually be finished AND have the full wrap art done.
Dave Kase
I assume that’s what the benefactor box is for
Ed
Did I miss the resolution for the Sepsis Whore / Donut / Katia? I know they killed everyone in the Blood Sultanate, but Donut and Katia are still on the floor.
Jeff Mossop
Preordered on Audible.ca man can't wait, way behind on the readings and I'm an audiophile through and through
Matt Fitzpatrick
Bought it! So F'in ready!! Need daddy Jeff to solidify those voices in my head as I read along
James Houx
I am very excited to pre-order the audible version of this. I wish I could gift a pre-order. I guess I will have to wait to share the goodness of book 7.
Cody Pruett
Will there be a paperback release as well? (Sorry if I missed it, at work hiding from my boss) lol I preordered tho!
Shea Transue
Annnnd preordered. I wonder what number in line I am.
Eric Scoggins
I was literally just thinking I hope Matt releases some more chapters today =)
Andrew Newbaker
Very excited for the audiobook!
Kyle Masters
How the f**k does all this awesome content come out of you so quick?!?
Paul pollard
Thanks Matt
Dustin Alford
I just wanna say thanks dude for delivering like always! You rule. My daughter is crazy excited too since the ebook is coming out near her birthday. :)
T
So happy for your progress Matt, can't wait for the book to come out!
DemmyD
I hate to be that guy, but I’ve been holding off on reading the chapters until the book is out and signed up for the updates and to support in general. It’s scary scrolling down and dodging spoilers in the chapters to get the update info at the end. I wish it was at the top of each post.
Janice
Yay!
Dennis Jannesson
Nice one 😁 thank you very much for the perfect night read
Christine Brown
I haven't read it yet, but I'm so worried this is gonna hurt me. Louis, you beautiful idiot, you better survive!
Levi
Fuck yes. In my veins!
Vickie Rashvand
Argh!!!!!
Magic Jake
Woooooo!
