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Book 7, chapters 73 and 74. + Audible version cover reveal.
🕑 Added 2024-10-11 21:21:10 +0000 UTCHello everyone. Only one retcon you need to be aware of. Previous mentions of the War Crime spell described it a little. Throw all that out the window.
Chapter 73
<Note added by Crawler Carl, 25th Edition>
There’s a dictionary sitting here in the main room of the guildhall. It’s a large, old book. It’s from the 1800’s, which is a long time ago. Florin, of all people, had it in his inventory. There’s a bullet hole right in the center of the book that goes almost all the way through. I keep meaning to ask him about it, but, like with everything, there just doesn’t seem to be enough time.
I just used the book to look up the official definition of “Atrocity.”
“An act of fiendish cruelty.”
It doesn’t seem fair, that definition. Or, perhaps, the definition is correct, but the system calling Donut’s War Crime spell an “Atrocity” is wrong. Or maybe it’s not wrong, but the true act of fiendish cruelty was giving her that spell in the first place. It came in the Legendary 1914 box, the box we’d received after killing D’Nadia. The same box I’d gotten the Run, Little Günter, Run spell in.
The sheer difference in capacity between those two spells is astonishing.
I am always afraid our plans won’t go as planned. Oftentimes they don’t. But never before have I prayed for a plan of my own creation to not be successful, despite us desperately needing it to work.
If she doesn’t cast this spell, we likely won’t survive the coming hours. But if she does cast it, and it works as advertised, what then?
She’s strong. She’s smart. She’s my best friend. She is the only true family I have left.
She says she’s ready, willing, and able to do this. But I fear she doesn’t yet know what she’s gotten herself into.
And me? If I let her do this? What sort of monster am I?
This is war. What have I done? This is war.
~
“What the fuck does that mean?” I called after Lucia. She didn’t answer.
“Mongo! Mongo!” came Donut’s voice from above.
Donut: HIS HEALTH ALMOST WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN!
Carl: It’s okay. He’s okay. Gustavo is dead. Lucia is conscripted. Rend saved him.
The fight between the gods had moved to the other side of Shanty Town. Yarilo screamed as the much-bigger Harpocrates beat him senseless with the ball. Yarilo was a feral god and not immortal on this floor and was about to die.
“Lucia!” I called again. “Get back here!”
She stopped at that. She was still conscripted. She opened her mouth, but then she zapped away. She’d been teleported. Since we still weren’t allowed to do it, I knew she’d just gotten yanked by an admin.
“Goddamnit!” I moved to put the Nest between myself and the gale tower, but I hesitated. The Nest was still getting hammered by other towers, and I didn’t want to tax the shields more. Instead, I moved in the other direction and jumped into a ditch. Rend plopped down next to me. Mongo was already gone, back in the tower on his way back to Donut.
Carl: Donut, kill that gale tower for me and start working on the towers hitting you. I’m coming up to you the moment the gale tower is dead.
Donut: I’M WORKING ON IT.
Zev: Sorry, Carl. The liaisons are indicating they want to interview Lucia now that the dog is dead. They’re indicating she won’t be available for at least an hour.
Carl: Holy shit, what is going on with her? What did she mean by that with the kids? And the Eulogist?
I’d first heard the term “Eulogist” as something in conjunction with the nebular religious cult, and then again as Agatha’s boss or something. Paulie was a different kind of residual as Agatha, and he clearly hated the... what? Person? Monster? What, or who, was the Eulogist? Fopsy the adjutant for the Dream has also mentioned that name. And now Lucia Mar?
Next to me, Rend was peeking out over the ditch watching the gods fight. It appeared Harpocrates had an additional spell over the ball, keeping it from losing more health. I tried not to think about what it must be like for everybody stuck in it. The god held onto the shaft with two hands and was smashing the ball part down on the cowering god of lust, who was scrambling, trying to get away. The fleeing god was picking up chunks of buildings and tossing it ineffectually at Harpocrates.
Yarilo was the nephew or cousin or half-brother of Emberus. Probably all of those things. I couldn’t remember how the family tree worked. I hadn’t really gotten a good look at him, but he was humanoid, and he had long, blond hair. I was pretty sure he was some sort of elf-like creature. While huge, he was significantly smaller than Harpocrates. The ball he was getting beaten with was even bigger than him, which made the sight almost comical. Almost.
“Stop!” Yarilo shrieked as Harpocrates hammered into him. “Not my face. Anything but my face!”
The shaft was more... rigid... than it had been before. It basically went from a flail to a mace.
Donut: DO YOU REMEMBER THAT SHAKE WEIGHT THING MISS BEATRICE HAD? THAT’S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. IT’S OBSCENE!
Zev: We’re trying to figure this Lucia thing out. Listen. We thought we had a good handle on what was going on with her, but we were wrong. We’d assumed her getting inside was a glitch at the very beginning of the crawl. Not an uncommon one. We wanted to correct it and kick her back out, but once she started earning, they.... We gave her a few loot boxes to compensate and keep her safe. And now the AI won’t let her leave administratively. It says it’s unable to extract her.
Carl: Yeah, but it’s like there are people inside her head. She says all the children of Earth are in danger. And what did the dog have to do with it?
Zev: It’s complicated, Carl. It’s not all the children. Just the ones that tried to get into the dungeon. And it’s only half of those. All the ones who were in a specific wing. They’re on the surface in the kinder facility. At least physically. Like I said, we thought we knew what was happening. It’s something that would’ve been corrected the moment she died or left, but we were wrong.
A chill washed over me.
Carl: So what happens if she dies?
Zev: As of about five minutes ago, we thought the glitch would self-correct and release everyone. That’s what’s supposed to happen. Now? We don’t know for certain. The Eulogist is another name for the AI in the center system. We don’t know how it’s all connected for certain. But now we think... we think if she goes, they all go.
Carl: How many is it?
Zev: I shouldn’t be telling you any of this.
Carl: How many fucking children is it?
Zev: About 120,000. Give or take a few.
Holy shit.
Carl: I almost killed her, Zev. You almost let me kill her.
Zev: We learned something new the moment the dog died. There’s so much more, but now is not the time. You need to get back to work. None of this will matter if you don’t win. You put Lucia in your army. You conscripted her.
Carl: You tell the liaisons to keep her in there until you figure out how to save those kids. She’s a goddamn dead man’s switch. A psychotic one. And she just lost her bodyguard. Don’t let her leave. Keep her safe.
Zev: It’s out of my control, Carl.
A massive chunk of building, tossed by Yarilo, missed Harpocrates, flew over my head, and crashed into the Nest.
“Hey!” Donut shouted, using her microphone.
Warning: The Nest Tower’s Integrity is at 25%.
Donut: THE BLACK TOWER IS DEAD! THE LAVA HELPED!
Carl: On my way!
“Come on, Rend,” I called, pulling the pet carrier. He started to giggle in protest, but I zapped him away anyway. I really needed to find him some sort of speed enhancement.
Once he was safely put away, I jumped up, and I ran back toward the tower.
I was momentarily taken aback by the sheer destruction wrought over what used to be Shanty Town. Most of our own towers, which we really never got to use, were trampled. The nest tower along with Li Na’s abandoned synergy towers still stood, but both were drawing a lot of fire. All the other buildings were just gone, flattened by the passage of the gods.
From Larracos itself, smoke rose into the air. The black, glowing river of lava continued to slowly lump its way over the edge. As I watched, one of the Larracos towers crumbled away.
“Please!” came the weak shout of Yarilo, followed by a terrible, wet splatch as Harpocrates slammed the ball down, shaking the ground.
System Message. A deity has fallen. And while Yarilo was damned to the Nothing, his death has angered the gods. The heavens tremble with rage.
The Scavenger’s Daughter has looked away, though her eyes remain open. The benefit from Yarilo fades.
I moved back into the entrance of the Nest as I barely registered the messages. Donut had switched off the Donkey Kong stair trap, and the ramp had turned back to regular steps. I rushed upward, using my speed skill to circle up as quickly as I could. The curving stairwell was soaked in blood and stank with the familiar scent of lightning strikes. My feet echoed as I ran.
I didn’t have a true reason to get to Donut at this point. We had a new plan, and by going up the tower, I was wasting time. The fight was below, not up.
But I had an overwhelming urge to get to her. We’d been separated for much too long, and it just wasn’t the same without her by my side. If this was where this was going to end, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having her with me.
As I ran, messages came in. Li Na was back in the chat, organizing with Juice Box via Britney. Li Na was literally riding Harpocrates like he was a mount, who in turn still held onto the ball. The god was clearly enraged by this, but so far the conscription held. Juice Box offered some changelings to assist Li Na, and she had allowed them to also climb onto the god. We were about to move in on the war mages holding the castle, but first we had to take out a few synergy towers that had war mages in them. I said we’d engage once we stabilized the Nest tower.
Samantha was also in the chat, sobbing about the death of Yarilo. She’d managed to locate Louis, but he was in some sort of secured jail cell, and she was waiting for the patrol to move away before she attempted to rescue him. By now it was clear that Warlord Fang was not in the Reaver castle, and that it was abandoned except for their “security” system, which was a bunch of robots.
The gravity-magic dragon that had crashed Party Planner remained circling above the Reaver castle, seemingly content to ignore everything happening on the ground.
If Fang wasn’t in his castle, then it was possible he, too, was in the ball along with Epitome Tagg. There was a way to find out, which I would do the moment I got to the top of the tower.
Donut was at work sniping the towers of Larracos, but it was slow going. Despite Lucia Mar’s insistence that the net holding her in place would soon run out, Donut remained trapped. The tower’s integrity was down to 16% and slowly lowering. With all the mages either dead or in the ball, we had no way to repair it.
I finally rushed into the uppermost level to see Donut atop her seat, dressed in her ghillie suit leaning against the parapet, her face pressed against the invisible shield like it was glass. The camouflage suit was a strange contrast to her tiara which glowed like a lighthouse beacon.
Even though Donut had no weapon, the first thing I thought when I saw her was sniper. She looks like a sniper.
Victory was also here, standing in the corner, silently observing.
Mongo stood beside Donut bouncing up and down. He was missing some feathers around his neck where he’d been injured by Gustavo. And even though he’d been healed, he remained blood-soaked around his collar. It dripped on the floor in congealing lumps. I knew some of that was Gustavos, but it still hurt me to see it.
Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved.
Mongo screeched at my appearance.
Donut muttered, mostly whispering. Her voice had taken on a serious tone I’d never heard before. “Mongo, shush. Mommy is killing bad guys. Move, Bianca. Get out of the way. Aiming, aiming, aiming... Gottcha.”
Crack!
Her fiery magic missile rocketed off, and a distant tower deep in Larracos sparked. This was followed by a secondary explosion, and the tower crumbled away.
“Not so tough with your head blown off, are you?” she growled.
Donut: I hit the war mage atop that death ray synergy tower. Moving to the next.
“You’re supposed to be focusing on the towers shooting at the Nest,” I said. I unleashed Rend back into the room, and he let out a giggle. He moved to Mongo and giggled again as he started to lick the gore on the dino’s neck.
Only then did Donut look up, and I could see her face. I tried not to react. I could see the hollowness to her eyes, as if they were trying to focus on something so far away, she couldn’t quite see it. It’d only been a few hours, but the change was stark. Hours of sitting up on high and raining death had taken a physical toll.
She’d been level 65 when she’d gone up into this tower. She was now level 74.
We gain things, and we lose them.
I held out my arms.
There was a pause, one that took just a heartbreaking second. But she blinked, her eyes focused on me, and relief filled me.
She let out a meow and jumped from her seat into my arms. She twisted, doing a barrel roll a few times in my grip, and then moved to my shoulders, circling around my neck, just like she used to do when I’d come home from work. She pressed her head against mine, purring loudly.
“My Magic Missile is level 15 now,” she said. “It tripled in power!”
“That’s good, Donut.”
She eyed Rend there, who’d moved to Victory’s side and was attempting to gnaw on her belt.
She jumped from my shoulder, to Mongo’s back, to the ground next to Rend.
“Thank you, Rend. I still think you’re disgusting, but you saved my boy’s life, and I will never forget that.”
Rend belched loudly in her face.
Warning: The Nest Tower’s Integrity is at 10%.
I cursed and moved to the edge of the parapet. I eyeballed the closest tower that was still shooting at us. It was another gale tower, but this one was enhanced with splash damage, which made it less powerful than the one that had been tracking me. The blasts of air were probably twenty feet across, however, and they were drubbing the middle of the nest. The enemy gale tower’s health was in the deep red. I pulled one of my last rocket launchers, aimed, and fired. The crystal at the top of the tower shattered.
“That is some impressive shooting,” Victory said from the corner, speaking for the first time. I looked up at her, and Fopsy, the tripod adjutant for the Dream was now in the room as well. I hadn’t even heard him teleport in. His presence reminded me that I needed to locate the remaining two warlords, Tagg and Fang.
I turned my attention back outside, searching for the ball. Harpocrates just stood there, clutching onto the ball by holding Meatus, who’d lost his rigidity. Harpocrates now stood relatively close, right next to Li Na’s synergy tower, but otherwise unmoving. As soon as we got word from Britney that those in the college were ready to make their move against the castle, we’d all jump into action.
I activated my Ring of Divine suffering, seeking out those in the ball.
The ring info populated a massive list of available targets, but when I filtered in enemies, there wasn’t anyone. The list was too long to just manually scroll, but I did anyway, and they were all just members of the Princess Posse or Team Retribution or mercenaries from the recently-defeated teams. I didn’t see anyone from the Reavers or the Dream.
“Huh,” I said, trying to figure out why. Was it because of the fleshers? All the enemies likely were wrapped by fleshers, even though they were invulnerable. Maybe because their health was constantly going down and getting healed? I didn’t know. It wouldn’t list them at all if their health wasn’t 100% Either way, I didn’t get the information I needed.
I switched to Ping, and that worked. I sorted through the information, and sure enough the warlords were both there. Epitome Tagg and Warlord Fang were both nearby, both in the ball. To my surprise, there were also a handful of viceroys and orcs still alive, also in the ball. These guys were unaffiliated, which was odd. There was a pair of nagas as well, along with an Operatic blob creature. What the hell? Where did they come from?
Did it matter? They were here now. I double checked the Ring of Divine Suffering, and I’d missed these guys before. All the unaffiliated outworlders were in the ball and were available to be marked for death. I wasn’t crazy enough to actually mark them as I had no way of guaranteeing what would happen next, but it was curious.
“They’re almost here,” Donut said. She was back in her chair, and she was aiming at a yellow-orange tower, which was shooting Magic Missiles similar to her own. Crack!
The distant tower crumbled and fell. The Nest’s health was now down to 8%, but with that last tower down, nothing was currently shooting at us.
“Who is almost here?” I asked.
Rosetta suddenly rushed into the room, panting. She wasn’t alone. Milk also came up behind her, not winded. Her wrists were loosely bound. We still had to pretend like she was a prisoner.
Rosetta bent over, gasping. “This teleport ban really, really is awful. I would not have come into the dungeon if I had known I’d have to do so much running. We left Dong Quixote at the base, guarding the entrance. He has that slug thing with him. The next time we build a tower this high, we are adding an elevator.”
“That’s what I said!” Donut exclaimed.
Rosetta stopped and did a double take at Fopsy. “Former prime minister,” she said, inclining her head at the Dream adjutant. A grin spread across her face. “Get fucked. But I’m glad you’re here to witness this.”
When Rosetta bent over, I saw she had a second creature strapped to her. It was Edgar the tortoise, who was attached to her like a backpack.
“Comrade,” Rosetta said, still wheezing as she started to untie the straps, “you are significantly heavier than you appear.”
“At least you have your dignity,” Edgar grumbled as he unceremoniously clattered to the floor. Milk reached down with her bound hands and helped turn him upright.
“Oh my god, hi Edgar!” Donut exclaimed. “I thought you got sucked into the ball! Wait, why are you here?”
Edgar started pulling things from his inventory. It was his tattoo kit.
“What is happening?” I demanded.
“Donut needs a spell she doesn’t have for this last part,” Rosetta said.
“I thought you were bringing me a spellbook,” Donut said, looking at the tattoo implements suspiciously.
“You need it at least level 8 for it to work in conjunction with War Crime,” Rosetta said. She pulled out a razor. It was a pink Bic, like something Bea would use to shave her legs. “Don’t worry. We’ll make it quick. Where do you want it?”
“Where do I want what, Rosetta?” Donut demanded.
Chapter 74.
“Sorry,” Rosetta said. “It’s gotta be a tattoo, and Milk here is going to etch words of power over it to increase the spell’s level.”
Donut scoffed. “Have you all gone crazy? I never agreed to a tattoo! Even if I had taken leave of my senses, we don’t have time! When he gave Signet the tattoo, it took all night!”
“It may not be aesthetically pleasing if I do it quickly, but it will work. Now come here, little one,” Edgar said. He stepped forward. “Hmm. Someone lift her camouflage suit and crupper for me. Yes. Best would be on her right flank, I think. Rosetta, quickly now. Shave her. I need a spot about as big as my foot.”
“You will not be shaving my ass!”
I held up my hand. “I thought we were going with Wall of Fire and Laundry Day?”
Rosetta looked at me. “This is the best way to quickly separate out the enemies in this situation. The fleshers have mostly wrapped themselves around the enemies already, despite their invulnerability, and Laundry Day might remove them and negate the effect, which will cause the fleshers to attack our own soldiers. We can’t risk it. Not with Eris and Meatus mixed in there. Our comrades and allies won’t have time to get to safety. This is an entirely different plan all together. We will need the fleshers still attached to them as the finisher.”
“What’s the spell?” I asked.
Donut continued to rant at Edgar. “Do I look like someone who doesn’t love their mother?”
Rosetta smiled, which was rare for her. “We were going to go with Hamzo, but even with the Synergy tower’s effect tied in with the bonus from the War Crime spell, it won’t be a wide enough area. So we went with a Dinner Bell variant from a cleric who fell defending the FUPA. It’s a spell that came from him worshipping his deity, but it appears it’s going to work. Edgar extracted it properly, and with some ink tips from Milk, we don’t need the toraline anymore to do what we need.” She eyed Donut nervously. “It’s, uh, called Heel.”
“What? What?” Donut cried.
Hamzo was a spell that stunned and then summoned an enemy to your location. Katia had it. Dinner Bell was similar, but it worked in a wide range over multiple enemies at once, and you could designate a location. It didn’t stun them. I didn’t know, exactly, what Heel did, but it was clearly something that dragged enemies toward you.
“And we’re keeping the second spell? Wall of Fire?” I asked.
“That’s right,” Rosetta said. “With them both amplified by War Crime, it should separate the enemies all out and drop them into a ring of fire. Fleshers are fire resistant, but symbiotes aren’t, so if any enemies resist, they should be pounced upon by the fleshers, turned to symbiotes, and then killed. That’s the finisher since War Crime keeps them alive. It’ll kill the enemy and any potential baby war mages. And if any survive that, there won’t be many of them.”
“Oh,” I said, and then upon picturing what was about to happen. “Oh. Oh fuck.”
A sense of revulsion washed over me.
I looked at Donut, who’d backed against the wall, hiding her backside. I had a thought. “All we need to do is find and kill both Tagg and Fang, and all their soldiers will drop dead.”
“True,” Rosetta said. “But if we don’t do this, they won’t get separated out in the first place. And Fang especially is difficult to locate. He’s worse than a changeling. This will keep our comrades the safest when we break the ball. If we don’t do this, we will lose hundreds, if not thousands.”
I sighed. She was right.
Donut’s War Crime spell was both simple and horrific in both usage and scope. And while the area of effect was relatively low, the synergy tower’s ability to upgrade Atrocity spells and allow them to be cast over a wide area made War Crime a true spell of mass destruction.
I had the extra-long description of the spell in my scratch pad. When I had first read it, the AI had been especially enthusiastic, which immediately set off my alarm bells. The more I thought about the spell and its implications—both direct and implied—I’d been overwhelmed with a sense of horror. Horror at how using this spell might affect Donut, especially if we used it to its full potential.
War Crime.
As this spell is unable to be properly trained, it will start at level 5, and it will increase by 5 each time it is cast.
Type: Atrocity.
Target: A line-of-sight beam extending from caster’s eyes that shoots in a narrow cone.
Area of effect: See description.
Cost: 1 mana point.
Duration: See description.
Cooldown: This spell can only be cast once per floor, and it can only be cast on the Scolopendra Levels, meaning levels 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, and 18. It can only be cast a total of 3 times.
This spell has been cast 0 times so far.
At level 5, the casting of War Crime requires you to choose two spells in your arsenal. It will then combine these two spells in a creative way. The spells will always do what they’re supposed to do, but it may happen in a fun, exciting, and unpredictable manner. Intention matters, and for this spell, we respect that. Just know it’s going to be awesome and something that most governments would consider unconscionable.
At level 10, you will be able to combine three spells. At level 15, you will combine four.
The chosen spells must be at least level 8. Their strength beyond that will not be taken into consideration. Don’t worry. It’ll live up to the spell’s name.
I’ll make sure of that.
Three notes:
One. Once you cast this, your health will be knocked down to 1%.
Two. You will lose access to the two spells for the remainder of the floor, but you will now be able to—optionally—chain those same two spells together and cast them simultaneously for the price of just one on later floors. All spells added to the mix during further castings of War Crime will be able to mix and match with one another, either all or in part.
And finally, Warning. No matter what happens to your targets physically, this spell can’t kill anyone directly. No matter what happens to them, they will not die from this spell. They will want to die. They won’t. Even if they’re chopped into pieces, liquified, and spewed across the playing field into multiple puddles, they will not die. You should probably have a finisher on hand if that’s your intention. As far as I’m concerned, I think it’ll be funnier if you leave them alive. But you do you.
So, what happens when you actually cast this? Let’s give an example from the one and only time this spell has ever been used in Dungeon Crawler World.
The Operatic warlord who cast this decided to combine two spells on a group of charging soldiers from the mantid team: Fireball and Paralysis. Not very creative, but it worked. He was parked atop a circle of power at the time, and the spell cast in a wide arc, hitting approximately 200 mercenaries for the mantids at once. There was only one true mantis in the bunch, and she noped out of the game all together by ejecting approximately ten seconds after getting hit.
The victims were paralyzed permanently. They were set on fire permanently. They were each blown off in an arc away from the caster where they didn’t stop until they hit something. For some of those poor mercenaries, that was very, very far.
They remained there, paralyzed and on fire and undying for the remainder of the floor. The caster of the spell received an experience point update for every hour or so of their suffering.
Incidentally, the wuss of an AI in charge of that season decided to put the on-fire NPC mercenaries out of their misery once the floor finally collapsed about two weeks later.
Additional fun fact. The Operatic who cast the spell supposedly had to go for an identity reset after the crawl and was re-absorbed. Part of his essence eventually formed into Hortense Leadership Unit. I’d like to think that’s why he has a twitch to him. Collective minds should really have learned by now how to peel off their own... impurities. Otherwise you’re just wallowing in used bath water, if you know what I’m saying.
The whole last part of the description didn’t appear for anyone other than myself as far as I could tell. But it gave me a terrible, foreboding feeling about the spell. With her synergy tower, Donut could cast it on a large group of soldiers at once. We had all sorts of contingencies planned with several different combos. But, in the end, I agreed with Rosetta’s assessment.
I didn’t want her to cast it at all, but this would work. As Rosetta and Mordecai had both noted when Donut first got the spell, if the AI was clearly excited about something you were planning on doing, the AI would generally let you do it.
Li Na: I think Harpocrates is fighting the Conscription, so we need to do this now. I’m back in my tower, and he’s harder to control when I’m not near him. We’ll need him to fight Eris when she’s free. Is everyone ready?
Britney: We are ready to go.
Donut: WE’RE NOT READY YET. ROSETTA AND EDGAR ARE TRYING TO DEFILE MY ASS.
I put my hand on Donut’s back. She was tense, which was causing both Mongo and Rend to get jumpy. “You don’t have to do this,” I said to Donut. “We can come up with another plan, but we need to think of something quickly.”
I met the eyes of the others in the room. Rosetta looked annoyed. Edgar appeared impatient. Milk was looking sadly at Donut.
“She’s not doing it,” I said. “We can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want.”
Rosetta appeared as if she was about to say something snarky.
Outside, things seemed to settle. Harpocrates stood still, like a statue, still clutched onto the shaft part of the ball, which sat motionless on the ground. In the distance, I could hear the unabated screaming of all within. All of the Larracos towers that could fire at the Nest were destroyed, and all the rest were now silent as our remaining friends were all hidden. The lava continued to slowly pour into the city, but it had been rerouted and was filling the upper levels of the funnel before moving downward. It would reach level 50 soon, and the defenders hiding in the college would have no choice but to move.
We now had about five hours before the War Mage team holding the castle would win Faction Wars.
Li Na: We need to hurry. I’ve ordered Harpocrates to stand still, but I can sense him fighting it.
“Carl,” Donut said, looking up at me. “It’s okay... You’re right. It’ll work. It’s just... I hoped none of them would be on the outside.”
“What do you mean?”
“The scars.”
I closed my eyes, and I went to a knee. “Donut, if you decide to do this, it won’t be a scar. It will be a badge of honor. You know why? Because if this works, you will always have a reminder of the day you helped save everyone. And if it doesn’t work out? Well, it’s just a tattoo. This is no scar, Donut. Not even close because it was your choice. And, you know what? You can still say no, and we’ll find another way. We’ll find another way, and nobody is going to fault you for it.”
She looked at me, eyes shining. “I’ll only do it if you also get a matching one. A matching ass tattoo.”
I smiled. “Absolutely. But it’ll have to wait a day or two.”
The ghillie suit disappeared. The crupper disappeared. She turned, facing her tail to Rosetta. “I suppose it won’t be so bad. Miss Beatrice had a few monstrosities on herself as well, and as awful as she was, she was still beautiful.”
I laughed, moving back to my feet. “You know, Rosetta, if you shave her right in the center of her back in front of her tail, it will make a bold statement.”
“So help me God, Carl. I will not have a tramp stamp on me.”
I laughed again, and this time, the laugh was genuine.
Donut looked at Edgar as Rosetta went to work, first with scissors, and then a razor. “Is this going to be like a Signet tattoo? One that moves around and stuff? One I can summon? If so, can I tell it to stay away from my neck? I simply can’t abide neck tattoos. And what are you drawing, anyway? Can you make it a flower?” She gasped. “Can you do a baby Mongo?”
“This is a different kind of tattoo,” he said. He was already preparing the ink. “That was stabilizing and preserving a memory. This is something new, and I honestly don’t know what will happen once it’s complete. The ink Carl had from the toraline allows one to borrow spells and skills temporarily from willing subjects. It allows one to take them permanently from unwilling subjects. With help from Milk, I have learned a few new tricks. This ink is similar to that made with the toraline, but not identical, and I don’t know how it’ll form. It captures the essence of the fallen crawler in a unique way, and it allows you to learn one of their spells or skills. Rosetta was just telling Milk and myself about that book of Voodoo you have, and I believe you may be able to share skills and spells that way as well, using the same ink. It will be more temporary.”
“Temporary?” Donut asked as Rosetta backed away. Donut now had a small, round bald patch on her right flank. “Then why don’t we do this that way?”
“No time to experiment. Now hold still,” Edgar said, picking up the poker with his mouth.
“Wait, wait, what are you drawing? You didn’t say!”
His next words came out a little muffled, but I still heard it.
“A dog.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Hello all! We only have 2-3 updates left before we're done. I anticipate finishing the draft on my end in the next few days. Thank you for all your support. I will try to have it all for you soon.
Lots of unanswered questions, some of which may have to wait. Some will have unexpected answers.
I will be doing a live interview with Maude Garrett about book 5 for her bookclub in a few hours. http://Twitch.tv/maudegarrett I think it'll be streamed on Youtube as well. Hope to see y'all there.
I have a question for you that will possibly turn into an official poll soon. This is related to book 8.
If you were forced to choose a mount for a long, uncertain journey, and you were given a choice, "biological or mechanical?" with no additional info, which would you pick?
Preorder for this will pop up next week on Audible dot com. February. If we have any additional voices (Like Travis), they'll also get added to the cover. 
They call it Faction Wars.
The ninth floor.
Nine armies, each led by rich and powerful aliens from across the galaxy. Each team has one objective: to capture and hold the castle at the very center of the battlefield. Strategy, alliances, pitched battles, and, of course, betrayal... It all makes for great fun and even greater television.
After all, none of these powerful aliens really die when they’re playing war.
Except this time. This time, winner takes all. Those who fall, stay in the ground.
As the AI continues its rapid decline, Carl and company take advantage of the chaos. For the first time ever, the crawlers are fighting back. They are now one of the nine teams. And this season, there’s a tenth army on the playing field. The NPCs, who are normally used as nothing but cannon fodder, have become fully self-aware and formed a team of their own.
For Donut and Katia, the stakes are even higher. Only one of them will be allowed to leave this level.
If they all want to survive, they’re going to need a little help from a veteran or two.
This is it.
This is what they’ve been fighting toward.
This is war.
This inevitable ruin.
Comments
Kenny
“If you were forced to choose a mount for a long, uncertain journey, and you were given a choice, "biological or mechanical?" with no additional info, which would you pick?” I would pick mechanical. At least you don’t have to feed it, but then you would have to find ways to fix it, if it broke down. Would this mechanical transport be armed? It would also need room to store pets, food, maybe a crafting table, etc.
Sylence66
Biological
Christian McCants
Biological
Lawson
Biological. More self-sustaining
Stacy F
Biological. Just watched the last Grand Tour and the removal of Hammond's shocks made my backside ache just watching that Ford bounce down the road.
Brian
Mechanical
Lana Godfrey
Biological. "The scars" broke me. Me relating to Donut 😭
Will Patterson
She’s on there, she is just very small.
Norma Rubio
Biological because I don’t know anything about mechanics and I wouldn’t be able to fix it if it broke.
Jacqueline Roscher
I haven’t been reading, because the audio book is so damn good and I need the voices. Waiting for book 7 has been torture. Not seeing Donut on the cover has me very concerned. I love that cat.
congolicious
Mechanical
FragmentsofMagic
Thanks for all your hard work Matt!
Danny D
Biological, unless there's an option for Mechanical with sentience. I'd love to see how the AI would react.
Ed S.
Mechanical
Mike Gierhart
Bring back the goblin chopper! 😂
Jeff Matisoff
Biological
Kody Gates
Mechanical
Alex Othon
Mechanical!
Jim Robinson
Well the AI went out of its way specifically state it would personally ensure the spell will live up to it's name. So, of course the AI will be a dick.
Jim Robinson
Carl better open his Christmas presents in the epilogue!
Jay Prado
Mechanical, but they are all from the show ReBoot.
Edward Ellis
Biological
Leah
For those with higher tiers, I THINK (not positive) the epub files are reflective of the retcons to date
Leah
Mechanical. Between Mango and Rand there are plenty of biological/pet-like characters. Plus it’ll give Carl a chance to tinker and super fuse and create some sort of a steampunk monstrosity (that perhaps can be sentient-lite, like the iRobot vacuum thing)
The Cause
No. They'll be applied in the book but not the previous posts
Sir Gollum
As a new member to the Patreon, I saw Matt talking a lot about retcons, are those all applied to the previous Patreon posts?
Jen
Goddamnit, Matt Dinniman! Who's cutting onions again... All the Carl and Donut moments. I'm bawling my eyes out. "The scars"... Ouch.
Erik Brown
Testiclish on the cover, but he’s Meatwad in my head
Serial Kilroy
Biological. Just in case you have to see how bad it smells on the inside. Or you're starving.
Serial Kilroy
Right? Directly in the feels.
Jacob Kent
If I was alone, biological, for the companionship. If there were others with me, mechanical so I wouldn't have to feed or clean up after the animal.
Alex
Is it me. Or does Rend look like a testicle
Michael T
That’s such a good question…now I’m worried that Donut might get like 500+ player-killer skulls from this one spell. Talk about scars. (I get that the war crime spell won’t be what literally kills them, but the AI has a history of being a dick with things like this for dramatic effect).
Vincentrosaurus
Biological.
Dennis Gregory
Why not both? Steampunk cyborg.
Jack K
Mechanical, but only because I'm good at fixing machines and half tools. Otherwise I'd go bio - easier to maintain, they heal, can communicate, and can probably find something to eat wherever you are
Shakespeare
"Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved." What a fucking great line.
Matthew Smalley
I’d lean biological, since it should have a personality and this is still mainly a fantasy themed dungeon, especially if it’s something the AI awards him. But then again, he can modify mechanical things, and if it involves explosions (like an internal combustion engine), maybe he could supercharge it.
Brandt Boulden
Mechanical (with its own AI) There's a reason we use cars and not horses most of the time these days.
Douglas Erdman
With Katia not part of Carl & Donut's party, her party could get the mechanical mount. Rend is getting big enough that Carl could ride him. I'm excited to see which way Matt goes either way. If it's a mechanical one, maybe Matt/the AI can give Carl an "upgrade token" like the "enhanced Pet Biscuit" and Carl can upgrade the Cleaner Bot to be the mount!
Loyd Davis
Mechanical
David Keeney
Mechanical
Lord Anoroc
Perhaps biological with mechanical aspects. Kinda like -- I dunno -- a surgeon of sorts? :D
SoapCarver
That's true. Already, we have all collectively bonded with the lil' cleaner bot in the group's guild hall. Mechanical or no, as long as it has an interesting personality the Fandom will surely love whatever it is.
tentacles4all
Mechanical. We've explored personhood of dungeon generated NPCs , let's do some scifi-AI shit (preferably magepunk)
Aaron Asch
So with Osvaldo and his unaffiliated crawlers stuck in the meat ball, and specifically not being allies of the princess posse, Does Donut’s war crime hit them too?
Melissa Larsen
My first thought on the mount was biological, but I think mechanical might be more fitting for Carl. And then he could possibly create modifications for it at his table. But it would still need to have a personality (please).
Melissa Larsen
I don't remember the details, but there was a separate invulnerability for people in the ball when it ended for everyone else.
Dirty Dibbler
Found the exit deal in the chapter currently titled Milk. Class: Cartographer Race: Xenopus Birth Race: Vesper Top Level: 73 Dungeon Exit: took a deal on the tenth floor. Runs both the Cartography guild and Calligrapher’s guild. Will not be freed until her services are used at least 333 times in the dungeon. Times used so far: 6. Author of the sixth edition of the Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook. Current status: Indentured within the dungeon.
william brown
Yes I was thinking the same thing. At the end of faction wars they line up like they did with donut on the iron tangle with the hats
Bryant Cronbaugh
Mechanical, with a quirky personality.
william brown
I think if it was a sentient mount definitely a biological. I'd love to hear a mount that talked to call the way Raul or the slugalos do.
william brown
I thought the people in the ball lost their immortality when that pop star got banished by the war mages?
FossilWreckers
I really thought the Sand Ooze was gonna be a menace this floor.
Justin d
It's decided then. A fungus based symbiotic mount that attaches to your feet and rockets you around with legs like a centipede. It burns as you use it like athletes foot. No problem if you have beautiful indestructible feet, though.
Barry Jones
It depends. If I have spare parts, the ability to make repairs and enough energy supply then mechanical. Otherwise, as long as I have the food supply and a reasonable expectation that I could keep the mount healthy, I’d go biological.
thomas
Very valid point and I should say that a bond between a mechanical mount may be harder to form than not at all. After all we are humans and we like to anthropomorphize everything. Plus knowing the DCC universe all these mechanical mounts will come with some kind of personality chip or software. Though I would argue that it would be easier to throw away an obnoxious robotic mount than an obnoxious biological one.
Secondhand
Mechanical, because food and water might be an issue.
Secondhand
Mechanical
Audrie Goff
Mechanical, because Matt loves to give us sapient supporting characters, then rip them apart in front of us; and we won't get super attached if it's a robot. Unless it's the damned Iron Giant; then I swear Dinniman hates all of us and this entire series is one gigantic troll and we've all just blindly followed along, contributing to our own emotional demise.
Ilya Taytslin
I get all your points, but there are already real-life examples of soldiers risking their own lives in order to save a robot (which defeats the very purpose of a combat robot), and giving military funerals to robots. Do not underestimate human ability to form attachments to machines.
Ilya Taytslin
Elle's spell -- are you asking about Graupel? She got it long time ago back on the 4th floor, but only used it twice: on the 5th floor to liberate her bubble quadrant, and on the 8th floor to clear a path to FOSCA tower. Elle's Graupel is supposedly at level 5, but the second time it inexplicably cast at level 16 -- even with Samantha boosting everyone's spells, it should not have been possible. She can only cast Graupel once every 25 days, so it is still on a cooldown.
Ilya Taytslin
It's Sheol Fire, and Carl cannot spread it any more. It was a single-floor (8th) boon from Emberus.
Whitey22
Mechanical. Considering the context, there's no reason a mechanical mount wont communicate with, and mess with you just as much as a biological one.
Dragan
How about something more distinct so you know what it does? My idea was “Here boy!” Or something similar. What do others think?
Dragan
A very cruel turn of fate indeed.
Steven Anderson
Biological, it would give me someone(thing) to communicate with
Corey Pittman
Personally, mechanical. But for Carl? I want him to have a biological mount to mess with him!
Kevin Thomas
Mechanical feels more in line with Carl.
Cheralynn Frazier
I would say biological. The value of a horse on an uncertain and long trail cannot be overstated. They have a mind of their own and know different things than their riders - this can cover a lot of area that we humans just always miss. I'm excited for Dong to have the yak now lol
Joseph dye
bio mount, more room for weirdness
Suruten
Mechanical. Don't need to feed it. If engine then katia can help upgrade it and carl can maybe make stuff for it.
Ophir Nemtzov
mechanical mount
Michael Landesman
Mechanical, but if you are going to make it biological I would suggest something like the AQ40 mounts from World of Warcraft. Very classic video game reference that would work well. Could also be mechanical now that I think about it
Ryan
Biological, for much of the same reasons others have given. I can use normal healing stuff for a pet mount, but I can't guarantee I'll have the right parts to repair a robot. Also, new pet!
Bobito
Biological mounts. Sure they can be temperamental but they can also be friend.
Grace Schefer
So my knee jerk her is mechanical: presumably no food required, Carl would reasonably be able to fix it, and theoretically easier to predict. However the idea of something with presumably an electronic intelligence being predictable in this world? Eh. Not likely. I will say that humans will bond with anything (Roombas anyone?) and I think I would rather not have one more biological on my conscience should anything happen.
SoapCarver
I love the creativity of the spell, it'll lead to so much chaos. Especially since the AI basically green lit the whole shebang- its sure to be very versatile with more unpredictable effects when combined with other skills. It basically reminded me of the whole second half of The Bedlam Bride- allowing the portals to be used instead of keys because it made for entertaining TV and Frick you I do what I want from the AI.
kai joshua miller
Biological or a mechanical embued with the ghost personality of a dead crawler
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
Yeah, she needs 600 or so more customers... And it'd be funny if all the pending plot plotlines got wrapped simultaneously hahaha: "And just then, as the final crawler fulfilled Milk's dungeon obligation, Samantha finally got her body, which summoned Scolopendra, and the resulting earthquake pushed everyone into the stairwell. The End." 🤣
David K. Storrs
Biological. Mechanical devices stop working if they don't get food/parts that I might not be able to locate -- not many gas stations in the middle of nowhere, after all. A biological mount can presumably eat approximately what I can, so if there's food for me then there's probably food for the mount. Plus, if there's isn't food for me then I can probably eat the mount.
Konlin Gappmayer
I absolutely loved these chapters. They were funny, heartfelt, dark, suspenseful all rolled into on. I especially liked the line about blood be redder for those you love. As far as mechanical vs Biological. I grew up with horses, 4 wheelers, dirt bikes and I would take mechanical every single time.
Konlin Gappmayer
And the harness attaches only by someone’s feet.
Mike Gierhart
Mechanical!
Justin d
Biological or mechanical depends on whether you want to add another character/name to the cast. Idea: a mechanical mount that has a personality? Infested by the AI? A symbiotic mount that attaches to the rider but has no personality (it seems...)?
Jordan Reynolds
Both have their downsides... the mechanical one could break down and you wouldn't be able to fix it, then you'd be on food. The biological one could get damaged (broken leg or whatever) and then you'd still be on foot...not to mention having to deal with feeding the biological one, making sure nothing happens to it in any battle since it's easily damaged, and a bunch of other things. With those in mind, I'd say mechanical. There's less downsides, assuming it actually works properly and would work for whatever terrain you'll encounter (a bicycle for trying to cross a mountain range wouldn't be great...)
One Winged Angel
Biological all the way, you bond with your mount and just like a man and a horse, you work off each other.
Deana Whitney
This whole post has me say "Oh damn!" Need answers Zev. Not cool Zev.
Deana Whitney
Mechanical mount. My luck I'd be allergic to the biological. Plus, Mechanical is likely to have a more comfortable seat
PerfectYarn
Biological to have another beings instincts watching out for me.
Dirty Dibbler
It’s crazy to think we’re just 2-3 updates away from the end. There’s still so much closure that needs to happen before the end of this floor. Also, while I’m assuming this has already happened, I’d like to see a scene where we see the crawlers fulfill the terms of Milk’s contract. I can’t remember the details but it had something to do with the number of crawlers she assisted through the hidden cartography guild
Nicholas Fuller
This
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Also thank you for my shirt Matt!! I LOVE IT. It's more appropriate than you know, seeing as I'm a veterinarian 🤣xoxoxoxo
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Literally one of my favorite characters EVER
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Me too OMG
Grace, The Bringer of Scalpels, Queen of Fuckeryy
Oi. I'm going mechanical. The needs of a biological mount might become an issue, and I'm a softy and if my mount died I would be very sad so best to have a non living mount
Randell
Mechanical. I’d probably be envisioning a comfortable private jet. Or a big charter bus. Sure hope I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Ranen
Carne Por la Machina
Erik Brown
Mechanical, just because I’d imagine it could be more extensively modified. Biological sounds like a better opportunity for creative chaos as far as personality goes, but we’re in deep and I crave power for the crew. More bombs.
Levi
With everything going on I zoomed right past that. Awesome catch!
jrue
Mechanical. This series needs more cool mad max contraptions. It has enough weird alien creatures.
Connor Sanders
Hmmm biological gives you more info. Compared to robotic. Like you can use a dog or something to try food or test water. Unless you know what a robot can do... it can tell you. Tho robots are funny.
Kevin Veldman
Mechanical beings can have a personality! One in particular would have something to say about this: "Bite my shiny metal ass"
Kevin Veldman
A DOG???
Brandon Lefever
What a chapter. Also biological...I'd feel less crazy talking to it
Selby
Changelings touched the god !
Luis O
Biological. It would be cooler to ride something like Ferdinand’s rhino or a huge elk than some robot horse or something similar
Vistapa+
Autonomous mechanical, no need for long rests, you could keep traveling while sleep
John McKiniry
Biological. That way it can have personality!!
Brandon gilroy
Mechanical
Adam ganderson
Biological. More opportunity for Snark. More emotional attachment. More hilarity and trauma and all that Dinneman shit.
Craig Henry
Mechanical, no question
Tom Keul
Mechanical since you would tailor the mount to be as self reliant, and modular as you could imagine/afford. A biological mount would pose more risks to the journey in various environments where a mechanical mount could be adjusted/adapted/transformed; especially if this was Carl and the gang. If for another character and/or backstory, might still go biological simply because of the need for companionship and affordability/availability, but it likely would not be ideal or optimal.
John Moir
Why not both? A cyborg mount, half living material, half mech. Leaves room for upgrades
Mark Macaré
So, now we know the tattoo Jeff is getting. 😉
waterkangaroo
Biological!!!! Get gross with it
Bryan Pitts
Mechanical for sure.
Gary Singer
Mechanical.
Immortal R.C.
I would really love it if the tattoo ended up being of Tserendolgor
Nancy E
I'm gonna say Mechanical
glueckswespe
biological. make it plate tectonics just cause the AI thinks it's funny (also not completely accurate but what does the AI care)
Aaron Thompson
Mechanical!
William Magee
Thanks so much Matt! Can’t wait now for the final chapters! And as much as you deserve a rest after this book, I really hope you don’t take one. I’d probably need to do a stint in rehab. Mechanical if it’s self aware / has a personality. Biological if not. Always love a new character / personality. :)
QueenofHartbrake
Both think house from the ripple system… :)
jessica Novy
Is anyone else getting ‘Samurai Cop’ vibes from Carl’s fabulous hair? Imani looks amazing
Kim Webster
Bio or mech? Well what is the cleaner bot—mechanical yet sentient?
Sandy Dorman
I think biological would be coolest for amount for a long uncertain journey. You could make either work though.
Hunter Behrens
I would go Biological, health potions / scrolls seem to be easier to find in the dungeon over mechanical tools.
Hunter Behrens
Donut got me with that Scars only being on the inside line.
Alexis Christina
Mechanical, just because I have a better chance of repairing it when it breaks.
Shea Transue
I miss the Copper Chopper so my vote is mechanical. If Carl was given half a second he could do some really cool stuff with a mechanical mount.
Jim Robinson
Mechanical for sure
Jason Tinnel
Biological I say. Great chapter. Ahhh relief
Jake Blandin
Biological, because I know it'll be hilarious in some way
Fred Dery
Why not both?! Like the soft/hard Taco's shell
Nick Devine
A Yugo would be insane. There would need to be an entire bit based on it breaking down every 500 feet
riyon hutton
I have a cocker spaniel mix who has been licking her butt for over a half hour!!! She’s also peed on my bed several times in the last few weeks 😮💨 We did go to the vet, twice, and $400 later she’s had her booty glands cleaned out and she’s on antibiotics and rimadyl 🥵
SeeJay
Mechanical! Something so uncool it's awesome, a deep cut like a Yugo, subaru brat or pt cruiser! Or a moped with a sidecar :)
thomas
Oh it has to be a cocker spaniel, right?
thomas
Oh I just got that with the cover. Here I thought it was the demonic fire (wrong name most likely) that Carl can spread with his footsteps. Holy shit that will destroy Carl and Donut, and relatively they've been pretty scratch proof and haven't really lost anyone of importance yet. I think thats going to happen, possibly a counter from the war mages gone bad?
Andrew Bartlett
I am choosing to parse this question as "Bianca or Gravity Dragon?" And it's making my Harpocrates flail turn into a mace.
Stephanie Gustafson
Mechanical. As much as I would like the company, I’m sure, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for another life in that situation, if there was a chance I might not be able to protect it.
Nick Devine
I’d choose a chariot pulled by motorcycles like in JoJos Bizarre Adventures Season 2
Dan
Mechanical
thomas
If you were forced to choose a mount for a long, uncertain journey, and you were given a choice, "biological or mechanical?" with no additional info, which would you pick? Mechanical for the simple fact that I wouldn't have to deal with a biological mind. Prime example would be Appa from avatar. Sure he would be awesome to cruise around in but you would still have to deal with his stubbornness or his head shakes of disappointment at you. Now imagine having to deal with that in the dungeon along with your other pets and partner cat. Na fuck that, give me something that could follow directions without some kind of push back. Also give me something that I could toss away in an explosive attack instead of something I would want to save like Appa. Seriously could you send Appa to his death? Even though the dude has attitude he is fucking loveable. Na give me a comfortable robotic taxi that I can fill full of explosives and send on a kamikaze run as a final diversion.
Jason Hatter
Mechanical. I just have this image of a large, cobbled together crab like creature lurching across the landscape with Carl, Donut, Mongo, and Katia (*sob*) on it's back.
Tyler Nelson
Mech! But it would be funny to see Mongos reaction to Donut having another mount.
Mark Noble
It's been a while since the last mechanical ride... Biological would be fun, but how about a blend? Mechanical based on biological? A clockwork cockroach or something...
Mindy Dozhier
Omgggg is she going to shoot lightning bolts out of her mouth?
Jason
I see the Kindle pre-order, but what about the physical copy on Book 7? Also, can't WAIT for Jeff to get hot on the Cold Reads!!!
Aleksandr Staprans
Biological!!
Mark Johnstone
Biological
Bo meckel
I’ll have to go with mechanical. I may need to push my transport to the breaking point. And I just can’t stand the idea of harming yet another biological…. Excellent chapters!
Dragan
I feel the only proper breed should be a cocker spaniel.
Daniel Rue
I’m excited to re-read (listen) to this book all the way through without stopping every few chapters. I feel like I may have forgotten or missed a decent bit since the beginning of the book. Like, maybe there was something mentioned that explains it but I forgot about it. For example: - the daughter’s kiss. I feel like we haven’t seen it used except maybe once at the very beginning and maybe one other time, despite all of the fighting. - the two game show announces, Magnificent Troy and the other guy. Or rather I should say Odette and Shako. Like, there have been quite a few battles but I don’t remember them popping up after the one time. What happened to them? - Cascadia’s daily announcements. Was that put on hold for faction wars? Another character I feel like we haven’t really heard much from. - The follower/viewer needle. When was the last time this was mentioned? Shouldn’t there be like crazy huge number of favorites and viewers? Is this still a survival game show? - achievements and boxes. I understand it might feel like it grinds the story to a halt to list of a dozen achievements back-to-back… but it feels like Carl & Co should probably be getting some -sick- loot from some of their escapades. Loot that could help them in various situations. - didn’t Elle get a spell in the last book that was supposedly designed to be used in a war-type setting because it was super massive and damaging? Whatever happened to that? - with Lucia Mar back in the picture, and especially the shocking info dump by Zev, I kind of hoped there would have been a little Florin action in this chapter. He’s the one who was looking after her for a bit and the one keyed into there being more to her than people realized. Like I said, maybe I missed or forgot a bunch of information, but I really hope it comes back up and answered if not in the next few releases then in book 8.
Michael Ames
Biological!
Kate Suddaby
Mechanical, but like Johnny 5. Ride it like a Segway The Valtay like their tech right?
Michael T
Since there’s already a “Heal” spell, I think having a new spell called “Heel” will be confusing for the audiobook folks. Instead, I think you should re-name the spell “Come” (which will appall Mongo and make Donut even more outraged about having to get the tattoo).
Joshua Galaise
Nice to have some rest from the bat shit craziness that's been going on. I swear I've got a patch of grey hair reserved for Carl and Donut. As for the question: Mechanical because you can't repair a mounts missing leg if something happened. Plus you know the Valtey are gonna want to add some mechanical death machines regardless of the current setting.
Eleanor Skinner
If I thought there might be food shortages (of whatever the mount eats) I'd choose mechanical. If I thought there might be fuel shortages, or conditions where it would be hard for machines to function (sandy desert, extreme cold, extreme heat - possibly water?) then I'd choose biological.
Daniel Rue
“If you were forced to choose a mount for a long, uncertain journey, and you were given a choice, "biological or mechanical?" with no additional info, which would you pick?” Mechanical. Long uncertain journey? I wouldn’t want to inflict that potential unnecessary pain or suffering on another innocent living creature. Plus mechanical *could* be incredibly versatile, if constructed to be.
Brooke Vladyka
Dungeon mecha
jrue
Please don’t burn Elle and the other crawlers alive for days on end. That’s terribly cruel. The fact his ring doesn’t distinguish enemies already sounds like a set up for this. A better take IMHO would be making the true enemies suffer unimaginably, and then donut having moral qualms about inflicting such pain. This is reminiscent of humanizing the hunters on 6th floor. It’s a real ethical dilemma. Torturing the good guys is just squeamish stomach turning torture porn.
William Lyle
Poor Donut. A dog tattoo is the true war crime here. Biological: a new friend!
CydiaMX
Mechanical
Christopher caldwell
Over sized cocker spaniel for the mount. Mechanical, to give donut just enough to bitch about but still use
XiThetaGoose
I would pick mechanical hoping for something like an ATV, but knowing my luck I would end up with one of those big front wheeled bicycles
XiThetaGoose
I would
riyon hutton
PLEASE, Please let us vote on which dog is the tattoo and donate the proceeds to a shelter!!!!!
Stephen Greenwood
Hear, hear. The amount of time I waste at my job; the coworkers and meetings I blow off to read your new chapters, has to show some of my dedication to this series and seeing a Ghost Ship trap brought to fruition within the dungeon.
Chris Sweeting
Biological, but make them dog shaped!
Treamayne
Thank you for the post and the update! If you were forced to choose a mount for a long, uncertain journey, and you were given a choice, "biological or mechanical?" with no additional info, which would you pick? I really want to say Bio, but without additional information you have to consider care, feeding, control, etc. So mechanical makes more sense (for now)
Christine Brown
Biological. The dog tattoo is fucking hilarious!
Shane
My gut reaction was biological mount, but after thinking on it, I would say mechanical as we have so many character arcs in flight unless the storyline slows a bit.
Joshua Ingersoll
Mechanical!
Justin Lucas
If it's a solo journey, biological. If it's with a partner or group, mechanical.
Immortal R.C.
I think biological, if I know how to ride it and it knows and trusts me. If I have to fight it for control, probably mechanical
Nick DeVillers
Biological
A
I'm going with biological. Mechanical mounts just seem a lot riskier around what their limitations will be. And most of the mechanical contraptions so far have been super janky.
Tom
Assuming Katia is available. 😬
Rhonda Pettitt
Loving this update!! I would go biological mount. Mostly because I am kinda wondering if this journey will be through the Nothing some how.... but my imagination is running wild with all the possibilities after this update!
Ian
Biological
Patrick Turner
Hopefully it's not a Cocker spaniel.
Patrick Kenney
also please tell me the dog tattoo will be a cocker spaniel. Carl will end up with the matching tramp stamp in a few days once everything slows down
Patrick Kenney
like badgelor
Josh Offsie
biological. the possibilities are far more insane
joseph peltier
I mean, technically you can combine any two spells. What would happen if you combined a healing spell with some sort of buff? Would you have an immortal platoon of warriors, or would the AI give them all permanent Deadpool cancer or something?
Patrick Kenney
Love the last sentence! And I’m going biological. I highly doubt it’s something or anything like a horse and more like Rend
Teal
Organic mount/pet. Because is more emotional to keep alive. A mechanical mount would be as emotional as a ship. Unless a mechanical mount has a soul theme that drives the body and the soul would parish if destroyed. Like a mythical cyborg. Side note I would like to hear more about Jefferson the flail sock sapient weapon. Seems like the sock might have a good backstory and reason to keep him around. Similarly, a doll with a goddess’s spirit is a good story line with depth, etc.
joseph peltier
Assuming no fuel is required, I would say mechanical. It’s immune from disease and most other biological afflictions and perfect at resource rationing. The problem is the potential growth. If it’s assumed that the terrain will be in a lit rpg environment then a mechanical companion can’t grow unless it’s the result of a spell or summon. In which case, a biological buddy would be best. Also, HOLY CRAP, GREAT CHAPTER!!!
Betty
Mechanical. Minivan convertible
waterkangaroo
"Collective minds should really have learned by now how to peel off their own... impurities." GOTTA SAY, THIS PART HAS ME REAL WORRIED MATT
Michael wade
Mechanical!!!
Vickie Rashvand
That’s some of the most beautiful text I’ve ever read. Donut not wanting an outside scar… 🥹
Magnus
Biological. It is a long uncertain journey, which means you can't garuntee that you will be able to find fuel/power for a mechanical mount or the tools/parts necessary to repair it. Biological mounts can last longer because even the simplest of them have at least some self-repair/healing, have their own senses to notice dangers, use easily aquired organic fuel (food), and if they happen to be indigenous to the area then you have the possibility of getting or creating more.
Noah
I would do something like the horses in vampire hunter D, almost a mixture
Terri Harris
Mechanical for sure!
J Holmes
I cackled at that last line. Poor Donut, not only is she going to have a massive psychological scar from heinously torturing an army of sentients, but more horrifyingly, *a dog tattoo*.
Gavin
Imo fits more with the dungeon theme, too
Dragan
I feel the ass tattoo is an homage to Jeff’s.
Matt Chisholm
Biological or mechanical? Damn, Matt. Everything in the dungeon is a shitshow! I would flip a coin after 9 floors. Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen........
Dragan
I see you are a “glass half full” type of man. I applaud that.
Kris Costalas
Mechanical
Dragan
Please Matt, don’t leave this poor, desperate soul hanging in the balance. He NEEDS a ghost ship trap! You must deliver!
Ren
You know those Segway like unicycles? I want a saddle for Rend that works like that... So both!!!
Dragan
I knooooooowwwww!!!😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Collin White
Biological. I'd like to see what sort of creature the dungeon can produce.
Dragan
Holy shit. I love the idea of the war crime spell basically as a spell fusion thing. The same reason I wanted to see more of that golden combo card. I just did the math and assuming you mostly use new spells every time you cast it it’s one new spell the first time, four new spells the second time, and eleven the third. Totaling to 16 whole extra spells that are all supposedly creative and powerful(not to mention carnage inducing and destructive!). Totally awesome!!😎 Also I’d pick mechanical because it can be very fast and more durable. Even if something breaks that I have no means of fixing, it’s probably gotten me most of the way there and I could walk.
Ilya Taytslin
Mechanical. No poop, easier to repair, and can be modified if needed.
The Custodial Humanist
Mechanical
Just a dude
Mechanical for sure
Whale
Biological, and naturally only the most superior of animals. The whale
Jared Bell
Mechanical, but transformer/robot animal style. Oh, or a larger version of the dogs that Boston dynamics makes.
Richard Boehme
Biological; they have a tendency to self-heal. Except when they don't.
Dragan
A delectable Irony indeed. But that’s what you get when you’re getting a spell called heel.
Dragan
Yeah, it was called “Gear Head”
Mogus
I need Edgar to say, "The Dragon ADVANCES."
Matt C
Mechanical mount! And daaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!! This chapter was great!!!! I loved seeing Donut being so serious, though it was so sad!
Richie
Mechanical and biological - cyborg baby!
Baurzhan Dosym
On contrary I think it is funny 😁
Baurzhan Dosym
Yeah that is just holerius
waterkangaroo
The AI's glee and excitement for the War Crime spell is a bit horrifying and I cannot WAIT to see what it cooks up. I hope it has a really good time with it 🥰
Michael T
Mechanical. It’s got the higher upside, and it would be immune to all sorts of common spells and debuffs (sleep, poison, fear, aural attacks, blood magic, etc.).
Mary & James
Mechanical
waterkangaroo
All of the Donut and Carl moments in these chapters were so amazing 😭 "She's my best friend." 🥺 "...it just wasn’t the same without her by my side. If this was where this was going to end, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having her with me." 🥺🥺 "She let out a meow and jumped from her seat into my arms." 🥺🥺🥺 "She pressed her head against mine, purring loudly." 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Tom
Fantastic! My first thought was biological because they're more versatile. But you could science/magic either category to be equivalent? I'd be most interested in the mount being connected to some creature or creation from a previous floor.
Cody Hays
Minivan
Avery Howell
Oh, and mechanical. Just to make keeping all the animals personalities straight easier. Plus, there are a lot of side characters good at that sort of thing. They could make it cool as hell and get more time in the story.
Jim Bowen
Biological. Thanks Matt
Stephen Greenwood
It took me too damn long to read these chapters this time. Damn work getting in the way. With only 2-3 more updates there's not much, which means we're running out of chances to see a proper Ghost Ship trap in use. Just imagine the excitement of the AI when it awards a box to the person who set it up. Don't leave us hanging. Also, I think a mechanical mount would be best.
Avery Howell
Matt, I swear if this spell goes wrong and Carl is forced to mercy kill his own army, I'm billing you for my therapy.
Laura Hemly
And also: Biological mount.
waterkangaroo
"As the AI continues its rapid decline" I think you mean its rapid improvement
Terra
I was leaning biological, but this convinced me. If it was me, I'd want biological. but for carl and co? mechanical all the way!
Laura Hemly
Great chapters! And thanks for publishing right now; we're still without power from Milton (but no damage) so having your new post as well as one other (HWFWM), even only having my phone to read them on, has made my day! And I really don't want Donut to end with scars. Poor baby! 😢
Grey Law
I’d go mechanical to spice things up, maybe a talking robot or a horse motorcycle like something from Zelda
KarlS3
Wasn't carl ordered to drop everything and go talk to one of the gods?
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
Awesome update, as always. :) First impressions: "Blood was so much more red when it was spilled from someone you loved." is a beautiful sentence. ❤️ Poor Donut, all shells shellshocked. I wonder if she'll fully return to her carefree and fun-loving self after this floor. A literal LOL at Edgar riding Rosetta's back like a backpack. :) "It captures the essence of the fallen crawler in a unique way" sounds hella ominous, and implies unforeseen side effects. O_o (Especially if the crawler was another human-dog hybrid like that flamethrower crawler hahaha) As for the mount, I vote for the biological one. Carl ended up wrecking his very first mechanical mount (the one made by goblins), so maybe he'll have better luck with a biological one. :)
nikki OBoyle
Biological for sure
Terra
WHOA, what a chapter!! The way Zev so casually told them that there are hundreds of thousands of kids in lucia's head! the heartwarming cat moment with donut. she's his baby ;(( and then bitching about getting an ass tattoo! making carl agree to getting a matching one XD so good! what amazing chapters!!! the war crime spell description!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA. I know Jeff is going to deliver those lines perfectly! yay!! war crime, war crime!
Josh
Mechanical
Amy the cat Meowmy
Mechanical. Modular for different environments. Katia can fix it. Carl could make different add-on & weapons that could be swapped out. Donut & Mongo could have a Royal Lounge area where they could offer cold refreshments, hot tea & finger sandwiches. The control system could develop a personality (or multiple depending on the mods installed at the time)
A. Dawson
Biological mount
Daniel Maidman
Mechanical, especially if it has lots of personality! A lot of biological jokes have been used for mongo and rend, this would open new comic terrain.
Scott Wright
Biological. The way Matt gives life to every character despite it's long term importance would be great to see in a mount. More so in a mount that maybe didn't want to be a mount?
Kevin Lapham
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! 😲 What a ride! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You continue to surprise and torment me! Side note: I can’t believe you didn’t call The Dream’s region The Noflex Zone!!!!!! Also: Mechanical Mount!
Shantih Moriarty
Mechanical, I’m assuming that I can make it smoother ride, so my ass doesn’t regret it
Tobias
Biological is more likely to have an interesting personality. I'd love to be proven wrong with a cool robot, but it should be something that can grow.
John Brand
Well that was enjoyable.
a a
A Dog. 😅
Deepak Kamlesh
Biological mount
Zauz
Mechanical mount
Zauz
Please don't put a tattoo of a dog on Donut, that's so dumb
Jake Samuels
Biologal.
Raymond Nalty
Biological
Brianna Dees
Biological
Christopher Charbonneau
Normally I'd say mechanical but in the context of this story, I'd go 100% biological as long as it had personality.
Eli Olsen
Biological. If it were a true Valtay season I'd say mechanical, no contest, but this is a fantasy-themed dungeon. The supplies needed to keep a biological mount going for a long and uncertain journey will be a lot easier to find, scrounge, or improvise than those for a mechanical mount. Healing items alone make biological the obvious choice; can't cast heal critter on a motorcycle!
Reaperman8969
Mechanical
BNR
biological
Chey Collar
Omg DOG TATTOO I am crying here, what a beautiful thing!
Daniel Callaghan
Mechanical for sure. Pretty sure katia can help with repairs. Didn’t she gain a mechanics skill?
Katyna Smith
Biological because I played a gnome in D&D and had a giant badger as my mount and it was so awesome.
The Literary Cannon
I think mechanical could be fun. I am thinking owl from old school Clash of the Titans here.
Leaf
Biological; I optimistically think it would make maintenance easier and I think it’d be nice to have a “partner” on the trip.
carl richards
Mech mount every time bios have a mind of there own not to be trusted 🤣
Johnny Cranford
Biological for sure, heal spells and the such are easier to come by compared to fixing mechanical things.
John Anastacio
How horrifying for poor Donut. And yeah mechanical.
Ciiran
Biological mount. It could, possibly, feed itself and heal from injuries. Also, better company.
Big I
Mechanical.
John DeMaria Daniel
Mechanical more stable
C.J. Severs
Oooooh Donut's gonna be so pissed
Russell
Mechanical. I'm more confident in my ability to repair a machine than to heal a wound. And modifications seem like they'd be easier as well.
Ryan
Biological for sure.
Jon Sterling
Biological Mount. Biological can rely on getting their fuel from the world around them. They will be used to travelling on whatever terrain you are on.
Katyna Smith
I was wondering if Donut still meowed and now I know. I'm so relieved. I want her to keep her kittyness. I feel so heartbroken.
Selby
Mechanical I don't wanna have to give it food
Michael Hawkins
Matt, I want you to know DCC got me wanting to write again, for the first time in fifteen years. Seeing you make retcons the way you do makes me feel better about my own. I don't know if my writing is as good as yours, but thank you for the inspiration. You have become by far one of my favorite authors. I won't send you any butt hole pics though so please stop asking.
Braden Roy
Biomechanical, but in a form more subversive and surprising than, say, a cyborg horse. I like the story possibilities offered by something new and unknown by both Carl and co. as well as the system itself. Do I need to feed this thing? Recharge it? Wait, it has turrets built into it's ribcage that fire viscera?! Seems fun.
Arynn Pietsch
My sister and I agree: we would choose biological. If something mechanical broke down, we wouldn’t know how to fix it. Also, biological could be less lonely. Plus…it’s a dream of mine to have a giant magical turtle as a friend and this could be my one potential chance…
Mark McIntosh
There's no such thing as a "little" war crime anyway
Dragan
Hallauja
Karen
Biological, more friends
Jenna Villalobos
Imani! 😍
Allyson Gangl
Biological. You don't know if the journey will give you the tools to maintain it and it can break down (ie gas) you can typically keep a biological mount fed if you're fed
Levi
Let’s go!! Dude, Matt, the part when Carl first gets to Donut in the tower, chills and tears. Good shit. Biological.
Scottie Enright
Mechanical for the variety!
smpmcb
Mechanical, but in a Horizon Zero Dawn kind of way, not just a motorcycle
VincentC
Mechanical.
Sean Kelly
Definitely mechanical. No pooper scooping.
Magic Jake
Also I’d choose a mechanical mount
T
I vote mechanical
Daatingu
Definitely a mechanical mount
Cee Vi
Mechanical. Cause they already have two critters.
Janice
Yes!!
Scott Wright
Always drops when I need a dungeon crawler fix
Melanie Lynn
Perfect timing just got home from work and able to read uninterrupted.
Dennis Jannesson
Best night ever 🍻
Andie Newman
mechanical for sure
Shane
Yessss!! Happy Friday!!
Magic Jake
Wooooooo!!
