Heart
patreon
So here’s the thing...
🕑 Added 2019-06-05 14:39:07 +0000 UTCA week ago I woke up, rubbed my eyes and checked my phone. Instantly panic set in.
It had been 58 days since I’d had any contact with my ex. We’d agreed it was best for both of us to break communication habits so we could work on healing and moving on. For 58 days I worked hard to fight that impulse to reach out. I built new self-care habits to help with the change, I journaled every day. I didn’t slip up once. Joie and I focused on release during our time together in the woods, I could feel it starting to work. And then a week ago I woke up and saw that my ex signed up for my Patreon. Surprise!
Fuck.
Immediately my mind went to the petty post I wrote when his other ex trashed him on social media. It felt like a harmless vent sharing that here, but knowing he read it made my heart sink. Even if he deserved my vitriol, the things I’ve been writing have not been for him. It irked me that he’d seen all of my cheeky selfies too. That’s a privilege he doesn’t deserve anymore.
Before I could slow my pulse and figure out what to do next I got an email. It was from him. He was apologetic. He explained that he was missing me, and found himself thinking if he took a peek on Patreon he could hear my voice in my writing and check in on me. He said he realized his mistake when he got to the post about his other ex. He said he couldn’t blame me for feeling that way, but those sharp words made him realize he was not a welcome audience, and that he’d infringed on my privacy. His message was kind and he held himself accountable, he signed off saying I didn’t need to respond, and assured me he had cancelled his Patreon support and wouldn’t be looking again. He reminded me he loved me, which I have to admit, felt really good to hear.
I felt like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, those 58 days were so hard-won, starting again at day 1 seemed useless. It truly felt like a failure. We talked briefly. He’s doing really well, made some positive changes at work, lost weight, and was accepted into a school program in the Fall to further his career. I was genuinely happy to hear his good news. I don’t hate him, you know? I love him. That’s what makes all of this so hard.
For the past few years it’s become super apparent to my therapist and myself that I’m loyal to a fault. I forgive anything. I empathize and understand and I hurt, but I forgive even the biggest transgressions. It’s really hard for me to flex that self respect muscle, which is something I’m always ashamed to admit. It feels like a weakness. I know where it comes from, I understand it’s a family pattern, but I want to have more backbone. I want to be the kind of person who says “I deserve better” and believes it. I’ve been working on that in my marriage, and I’m working on that now with establishing better boundaries with my ex. It’s fucking hard.
Progress isn’t linear though, I’m learning from every mistake. (And I’ve blocked his email from my Patreon now, just to be sure. See? I’m learning.)
Comments
Emily Stewart
it really is!! and thank you for sharing, it really helps sometimes to see other people going through similar things <3
Heart
Good for you setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. It’s so much easier said than done. 💕
Emily Stewart
i definitely feel this a lot. loyalty to everyone but myself is a big problem for me. i recently broke things off with my boyfriend of three and a half years. our relationship had been... kind of tenuous for a while, but i was still happy and i thought he was too. we'd been planning to add my then-girlfriend-now-fiancée to our household (of him, his wife, and me) for some time, then a month ago he told me, out of the blue, that he and his wife were moving 300 miles away to live with their mutual partner there. said partner, a good friend of mine, urged me to stay with him, that he was worth it even though it would be hard, and that my concerns about the troubles we would have long distance (after i literally moved across the country to be with him) wouldn't be so bad, and ultimately that was one of the factors that pushed me into definitely ending it. the easiest thing in the world would have been for me to not rock the boat and let people do massively hurtful things while saying they love me. i did it for 7 years in my previous marriage and came out of it with c-PTSD. the hard thing was, and is, to st| and up for myself, and say that i deserve better than i'm getting. the ironic thing is i probably wouldn't even have been able to do that if not for things that he'd taught me about myself and what i'm worth.
Heart
There is not. But now that he’s become a member I can block him so it won’t happen again. 👍
Sunset Ridge
I'm sure there's a setting in Patreon that allows you to pre-approve people, before they can join.
