Torsten Hewson
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Apocrypha: Fortuitous Encounter.
🕑 Added 2021-09-03 23:12:08 +0000 UTCHere is the axed part of the chapter. I think it doesn't fit quite well, but threat may be me. Also, there has been a small update to Chapter 59.1, just fleshing out a bit more conversation. the chapter remains largely unchanged.
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The rest of the day passed quite pleasantly, if a little boringly. The sights and sounds of the city steadily grated on Gou Ren, once he got used to them, and Tigu too seemed to dislike the crowds. The giant Still-thing was kind of neat he supposed.
So while the rest of the group kept wandering from stall to stall, Gou Ren decided to excuse himself, and instead do something that interested him, promising to meet up with everybody else later.
Namely find a building to discreetly scale, and just… well, look at the city. It was damn amazing, how people could figure all this stuff out, and then do it all without Qi. It took enough work as it was with it! Buildings that stretched into the sky. The massive palace, that could probably fit all of Verdant Hill into it.
It was just so interesting, though it wasn’t lost on him that he liked the city itself, but not the multitudes of people that came with it.
“‘Tis not often the youth of today takes an interest in the works of mortals.” A voice behind him mused, and Gou Ren jumped, jerking around.
Gou Ren blinked at the older man, clad in a simple robe with a hat that covered his eyes. It had seen better days, as it had a rather large hole that had been patched in it. He carried a box in his hands.
Something twinged in Gou Ren’s mind. Qi.there was… well, it felt a bit weird, but there was Qi there, so he was probably a cultivator. Gou Ren swallowed thickly, unsure of what to do.
“Ah, my apologies, I did not mean to intrude.” The man stated, but it was obviously a formality. He looked a bit annoyed, and tired, if Gou Ren was honest.
So Gou Ren shrugged.
“It's big enough for both of us.” he said, simply moving over a bit.
Some of the man’s irritation faded, and he nodded, sitting down beside him.
“As for why I’m lookin’ at the street, well, its pretty neat, how everything is organized. And just being able to do it all with math and without any Qi at all...”
The man seemed surprised, and nodded his head firmly when he heard the word organized.
“Indeed. Organization is key!” He declared, and then sighed. “Though sometimes it alone is not enough.” He grumbled, and opened the box he was holding. It smelled faintly of maple, though they had the barest drizzle of syrup overtop. They did look pretty tasty though.
The man sighed again, as he looked at them. “The end of finite things is always a cause for sorrow.” He muttered. He opened the box, and there was the faint smell of maple. He plucked out a pastry and took a bite.
Gou Ren frowned at the syrup covered treat. Must have been what Yun Ren was talking about, and they would probably taste better with some more syrup...
He rummaged around in his pack.
“Trade ya”. He offered, holding up the bottle of syrup.
The other man’s eyes widened briefly.
“And the price for this boon?” The man asked.
“...one of your pastries?” Gou ren ventured.
The man chuckled, the irritation fading.
“Then the bargain is struck.” The man agreed, shuffling closer to Gou Ren.
Gou Ren shrugged, as he drizzled more of the syrup out onto the pastries.”...you looked like you had a rough day.”
The man chuckled. “Indeed. Though it pains me that it is so plain upon my features that it is discernible so readily. But you are correct, mine organization had some.. Issues. Faulty information, long journeys and conflicting reports. It is quite a vexation.”
Gou Ren shrugged. “Sounds rough.”
The man actually smiled at that.
“Yet enough about my troubles. How goes your meditations upon organisation?” the man asked.
Gou Ren shrugged. “Eh. it's a bit confusing at times, and I have a lot to learn.”
The man nodded. “The first step to knowledge is admitting one has none, so say the founders.” The man stroked his chin. “Though the bargain was for a pastry… here. A fortuitous encounter, for both of us.”
Gou Ren raised an eyebrow at the scroll he was handed, as the man popped the last pastry in his mouth.
Meditations upon civilization, Xiao Han. The scroll read.
“Uh, thanks—” Gou Ren started, but the man was already gone.
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While kind of funny, I don't think it fit. May just be me though.
Comments
Testcase
Should be in the main storyline
Final Schmock
In my humble opinion this part would have fit perfectly as the start of the next Lu Ri Chapter. You could have him think about the "fortuitious encounter" while he finishes the last of the syrup.
Artur Vogt
i agree
dennis malatesta
I think you made the right decision felt awkward and did not really bring to the story as it was. Tigu slipping away from the others to explore and not caring about meeting another cultivator seems to fit better in my mind. Lu interested in a spirit beast explaining why he would interact and a chance for tigu to be vulnerable voicing insecurities with her expanding world and the tournament. Thats only if you feel a chance encounter needs to be in this chapter though, i like the cut version as it is myself.
Cinnamon Toast
Perhaps it could work better if you had gou ren going to do his own thing then jumped to lu ri’s perspective and had him having to have a break and some of the reasoning in not questioning gou ten about the maple syrup
LittleWhite
Lu Ri's hat was talked about in V2 ch 51 Fangs and the Deep
Jack Trowell
Yes, Gou ren having a while bottle should have provoked some reaction at least
mly85lc
It is bit to convient, but the in the other hand It's Enjoy to read. Would Need more more for shadowing. why are boht men in this part of city? is there some bulding/site in there that is in instresting? Is It the A view? Food? A land mark? And how did him/they get to know of it ? Maydy A map form Arcifitives that hints this is good place to look for, to A some orgasinatinal "Wonder"? Did some one mentont it before hand to them in brevios chapters? Is there some of instrest that is Will bring this mans do this place? Is there "semi" logi why thery are in same place same time? Noon Bell? Location of docks and restoraunt are near its atohre? Can readers tell this things form before chapters? All in all i think it Will work if you redo few lines add some mentions of items, placese and reson to be on thous places in give time. Someting like "elder" Lu Li likes to sit in top house whit red tilling that has great view boht mortal and inmortal works to ponder upon live Whiile eating pancakes in noon Bell, becose "founder say.... look upon creation and compeite things baily?" Why this roft? Begose its give good view to that orgasition Wonder "....." that mortal did plus there is that imortal object that go "bling bling" at non Bell... (mention in brevios chapter whit Jin) Now Cou Ren. I rely instrest in buldings and since my brother rag me here so he have more reasons to spent time whit his love instrest. Could as well do look book of buldings Off the city. what is this A city map Off organisaatio "....." Wonder, instresting. "Sister Biyu what part of city this is" "its near lake and resturaunt are. there is hill top there where you can see the inmortal opcet go bling bling at noon Bell." ...some time later. This truly is A "....." Wonder. Oh no its almost A noon Bell and dont know how to get that hill. But look there is that higerise red roft buldings there bet i can see that imortal object there. Up he go aaand... I know bit forcet, but you get the point. Give A reason why there, at that time and place plus some things that for shadow the place and the actions take by thous too. Heck you could but some one atacking the clystar Hall dicepelines Biyu now that Hall elders are away i tournament. She has the cape and clows so he easy target to spot for gruds atacks by street gang (for shadowing when fox boy was in city Last time) Off corese gruop bet him/them up. how ever plum shadow hear of that and Lu Li go personaly look in to it becase juctise founder etc.. ending in meating
Termac
*pfft*
John Pratt
Let's talk about how it doesn't fit. 1) The physical qualities you give to Lu Ri aren't present here. That's because you've given Lu RI no physical qualities at all, and that's on you. 2) If you can't talk about Lu Ri's hat until just this moment for some stupid reason, you can at least show Lu Ri picking up the donuts. 3) You can absolutely use Lu Ri to give Gou Ren a nudge in the right direction, and you should. Don't have Lu Ri just say Gou Ren is correct, have Lu Ri give hive Gou Ren a real hint forward. "Organization is the Key" is all well and good, but have Lu Ri talk about WHY organization is key, and have Gou Ren understand it within the context of Fa Ram.
Kara Nina
True. Meeting in the city would somehow make it smaller - if they all tended to show up in similar places due to their living habits, like working/living close to each other and having similar preferences for food or other things, then maybe. But they're really too different in their habits to accidentally meet in such a huge city.
Monadologist
It is adorable, but I confess I'm kind of glad you axed the scene. The main concern is such weird near miss encounters tend to shrink the world by making it look small, rather than what you might hope is that it'd grow it by allowing a richer suite of character interactions. If everyone in the cast is constantly happening to bump into each other, it implicitly conveys there are relatively few other targets for such interaction. OTOH, it could also be used to show how close Lu Ri is getting to his target, which I guess is the point.
Bobby B.
It IS a bit oblong for the chapter, packing wise, but a great scene
Michael Maor
I don't think this was very funny, but I really liked the scene and I'm a bit sorry you decided to remove it, however the reason I like it is because of the hinds of the direction the characters are developing, if you were planning the scene just for it being amusing and not following up on those hints then it's a good thing you removed the scene.
Kairuf
So I feel it would work well if it was less a bottle of syrup for a pastry, but instead, “I’ll share some syrup if you share some pastries.” I think it could come off more like Gou Ren is a wise young cultivator trading some slightly expensive cultivation resources for the rare chance to have a friendly conversation with an older, wiser, and, most importantly, more powerful cultivator. To Lu Ri at least. Which I feel Lu Ri would appreciate, leading to him the giving the scroll as a “I can’t stay and chat, but here meditate on this.” Which then leads into the fact that the scroll is probably written as poetry and Gou Ren has been trying to practice his understanding of poetry
P enyuk
Monkey man...gets "Thngken bout civilization stuff" book....a bit too on the nose.
fbt
I think it has a lot of potential. That doesn't nec mean it will get used. Maybe after you sleep on it a bit, or in later revision, it'll fit..or not. It's not uncommon to come up w/ nice stuff that just doesn't fit, and it's wisdom to know it does/doesn't suit the greater whole.
General Use Only
aha love this scene!
Jeff Scott
That's a good reason to cut it, it's too convenient. It's not a very satisfying conclusion to his search. All that work undermined by a chance encounter?
Sean McClain
You could use that scene as a way for him to begin investigating fa ram as well. Like "the value of this syrup is far too high to give for a pastry, he must be connexted to its founding" and then ask about it and be told it was made by his master at the fa ram. Then when he tracks down fa ram, he finds his lost cultivator unexpectedly
Bonifacio Mario Peña Jr.
How would Lu Ri even know where the syrup is from? If he has suspicions, he probably ask the market for the origin of this product. Why wouldn't he ask Gou Ren? Because if he suspects him a cultivator, he would have 1)been dressed differently 2)been more formal. 3) bargained/asked more for they Qi heavy syrup. 4) some other overt sign. It's perfectly believable that he looked at the syrup, found a link and left quickly to investigate it. Otherwise why would he simply disappear?
Patrick camp
You just doubt his judgement out of spite? :)
Aesoir
It’s a bit too on the nose with lu ri, fun to read, but it makes lu ri seem incompetent and unobservant. Neither of which seem like intended characteristics for that character. Best leave it out.
Ask-if-I-like-lemons
Lol wtf I like it a lot.
Chad Hagner
I liked the scene but lui ri needs to now be interested in why this strange man has a bottle of maple syrup and gave it away so freely. I feel like there's possiblity there for him finally finding MC.
Carl Mason
It is an interesting possibility, and it kind of works. It would not quite fit with what the rest of the chapter made it seem like you had set up. But it is a cool, subtle shift in fate.
Carl Mason
A guy he just met has a bottle of it and he doesn't ask about it. He has a whole bottle, and Lu Ri doesn't ask.
Obran
The only issue I have with this chapter is that Lu Ri is beginning to suspect that "Along with a few rumors from merchants about high-quality goods originating from that area." (from the last chapter) and here is a dude he's just met with a bottle of syrup which is one of those high-quality goods. Otherwise I actually liked this snippet better than the rest of the chapter.
SoulofaGremlin
I like this ending much, *much* more than the one you added in. Also, I find it less funny and more interesting - I can see the two striking up a odd friendship.
Vorquel
I love it. Too bad you didn't.
Magistrate Urtar Mythstone
I think it fits, it once again shows us how fate tried to have that guy find MC via his underlings but failed by being nice and nont questioning them about it
Blacktide
I think it works pretty well. Not a perfect fit, but well. It also adds to both characters, and allows for later recognition and acknowledgment.
Mrdelta
I like it but, the main failing is the setting. By the habits you have set out for Lui Ri he has no reason to be there and just seems contrived.
Arnon Parenti
We know Qi gravitates towards Qi, so many encounters are just a fulfilled possibility. I was actually anticipating a meeting of this kind, and the trade was interesting. It would be funny to see how he trades the scroll, because its useless to him, for one of Tigu's carvings, right in Xiulan's face? And her begging Tigu for the scroll, and it making a round through all of Fa Ram's hands before landing in Xiulan's.
That One Guy
I think it is really good and might just not fit where you were thinking of putting it. This little scene adds a lot to both characters, but it might be hard to really make it fit in the flow. Maybe have Gou Ren wonder off after eating, or make a bad joke and have his brother glare at him until he excuses himself. Authors choice, but my vote would be to try and rework the chapter a bit to make it fit. It adds enough to the characters and cutting it or shoehorning it in would feel a little off to me.
Benji
I agree that it felt a bit too conspicuous, but you never know when you might fit it in or rework it. If you ever end up doing that, it will be an exciting easter egg! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Faelyn Kitsune
I really love seeing these little cut pieces. Whether they fot in or not they are always a pleasure to read. So maybe just make them their own thing. I mean I expect cultivators to find some high quiet place to indulge. So Gu Ren meeting Lu Ri at the top of a tower makes sense. Maybe with a touch of working it would have fit, but as it stands I liked the little side story. A glimpse into a character that has had very little of his own time recently .
Hangwind
I think that something like this should happen, but later. There's a lot of comedy potential in Lu Ri jonesing for his syrup fix.
Ben Allen
I like it, but I need no reason to doubt your judgment.
Robert Mullins
Also, Gou Ren deserves his own source of growth and continued education and a scroll from Lu Ri fits.
Aaron
I think it would be fine in the story.
Seadrake
Like to get a break from the gang for just a bit
Robert Mullins
Obviously if the mortal establishments can afford syrup then a cultivator would be able to as well.
Empty Shelf
Fun, but I can see why it was cut.
Saaski
I really really liked it.
Seadrake
It might fit if he goes and checks the price of the pastries he talks about in the chapter?
LittleWhite
I like it, just seems a little weird that he had no questions about the syrup
Robert Mullins
Same.
Nim
I kinda like it, honestly.
