Brent Stinebaker
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April Fool's Special
🕑 Added 2023-04-01 15:32:41 +0000 UTCAPRIL FOOL’S SPECIAL
HIJACKED INTERVIEW
It began with an interview.
An unannounced interview on New Vultun Sunrise.
No one knew how the ghoul managed to break into the studio, jack into the various loci, automate the broadcast, or even what it wanted.
What they did know was that there was, indeed, a ghoul among them, and it was currently doing an impromptu live thoughtcast at five in the morning. There were six hundred billion viewers and climbing tuning in.
“Morning New Vultun,” the ghoul had said, it’s pronunciation and speech surprisingly understandable, “I am Avo. Have something I want to say to everyone today. A grievance against several people. And some highly complex socio-political messages I wish to convey on behalf of my brethren.”
The ghoul then cleared its throat and pulled what appeared to be a contact lens out from between its fangs. According to the Exorcists, it had just eaten the eyes of over a dozen people at a local gathering. Confusingly just the eyes. Despite the mutilation, it had left them alive, stating: “Hmm. Need to taste the flavors of blindness. Run into things for me. This new experience will help me contemplate personhood.”
Further reports indicate all victims currently harbor extreme cases of trauma, fearful of the dark but generally grateful for the choice to grow past the need for light and comprehend “true choice.” As such, they too listened in, attentive to the words coming from the one that took from their flesh.
“I’d like to dedicate this interview to Green River,” began the ghoul. “Doing this mainly in the hopes she gets a heart attack. Dies. Do you hear me River? Going to eat your fox after this. Ahem. Anyway. She talks a lot. Says nothing. Reminded me of this show. And I thought: Many people watch; why not tell them some truths? Share experiences.”
The ghoul promptly coughed, momentarily choking on some of its own saliva.
“So. This Frame I have. Godclad now. Didn’t ask for it but it’s pretty good. Highly recommend the Stillborn if you can get. Stolen from Highflame. Ended up with me. Shoutout to Veylis Avandaer. I met your mom. She talked me into taking some Suncloud before this. Fantastic drug. Made me understand human kindness. Grew morality for a moment.” A low whine of sadness then escaped the ghoul.
“Lost it.”
Startling the hosts, the ghoul pulled a literal barrel of Suncloud out from what appeared to be a small whirlwind and inhaled deep. The subsequent dilation of its pupils and quivering of its digits suggested that it had achieved near-immediate nirvana.
For approximately ten seconds, it collapsed on the big red sofa, twitching, tendrils of drool escaping from its lips. Vomit erupted in pressurized sprays between its fangs as clumps of half-digested eyes and bones from recently missing nu-pets poured into the plush carpet.
Then, with a sudden eruption of blood, the ghoul climbed out from an open wound in its own body, and settled back into the seat. Again, it opened its demiplane of wind and took another drag from Suncloud, more carefully this time.
“She warned me about the kick,” the ghoul muttered. “Anyway. Veylis. Your mom says you were being a half-strand but she still loves you. But the Frame is still mine. Not giving it back. I checked: No licensing.”
He shuddered for a moment, the high hitting him hard.
“Back to Green River: I hate you. Hate how much you talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. You know she invited me to talk in elevator and hinted she knew my father? Then she name-dropped Zein and the Ninth Column. Turns out she was being manipulated by father.” The ghoul growled. “There. I described the situation. She spoke for hours. Showed us fish as part of a metaphor. Stupid metaphor. Fish died for nothing. No-Dragons–if you’re listening: Fire her. She’s bad at her job.”
A transaction imps was cast through the Nether directly into the ghoul’s Meta. It was clear that someone was paying it to say something.
“Very annoying. Oh. And promote Bright-Wealth. She needs promotion to sustain gambling addiction.”
The individual known as Bright-Wealth later neglected to comment regarding the situation, instead challenging all parties to a game of ma jiang.
Upon this moment in the interview, another figure transpositioned themselves into the studio. Official statements taken from Veylis Avandaer afterward suggested that the newcomer was indeed her mother.
Such a truth caused great ripples within the Choir of Seraphs.
“Avo,” the figure that claimed to be Zein said, “this is not the way these things are done!”
The ghoul responded to her by hissing and growling, holding his Suncloud inhalation tube protectively.
Such an act was unneeded as Zein came prepared with hallucinogenics of her own. Ones she promptly threw in her mouth and swallowed. “There is a format to the show–have you even watched the Sunrise? There is need for us to offer links. Connections to guests and the like. We should take some calls from the highest bidders. Make some imps while we’re here.”
“Yes,” Avo said, nodding sagely. “Yes. Why not.”
The following is a transcript from the myriad of callers.
SESSION CONNECTED
[FATE IDENTIFIER]: JHRED GREATLING
Mirrorhead: You! All this time, it was you!
Zein: Hello. Greetings. Our first caller tonight–
Mirrorhead: I should have seen it! Should have put things together from that first moment. The circumstances of your survival were absurd at best. I was a fool.
Zein: Ah. He is capable of self-awareness. Such a truth explains how the Twice-Walker does not just slip from you.
Mirrorhead: ... Who is this?
Zein: Hm. I could tell you, but of all the futures I favor, they all share a commonality in your suffering. Stay ignorant, Greatling. It is how the memory of your mother’s fate tortures you so, no?
Mirrorhead: You will not speak of–
Avo: Eat your mother.
Zein: She’s dead, little dagger. I’m afraid that’s impossible.
Mirrorhead: YOU WILL NOT SPEAK OF MY MOTHER THAT WAY!
Avo: Glad his mother’s dead. Would eat her if she wasn’t.
Zein: Perhaps such a reality can come to be when we finally claim the Ladder for ourselves. Imagine: A fundamental law of reality mandating that all ghouls be allowed to feast upon an infinite quantity of Greatlings.
[PLEASURED DRUG EXHALATION FROM GHOUL]
Avo: True Heaven.
Mirrorhead: I will inflict torments–
SESSION HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED
Zein: What a terrible caller. No sense of humor at all.
[Zein Thousandhand promptly plays the sound of a steel spring thwapping loose and several screeches from a nu-cat.]
Avo: Next caller.
SESSION CONNECTED
[FATELESS]: GREEN RIVER
Green River: I wish to defend my character–
SESSION HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED
Zein: What occurred?
Avo: Memory collapse. Too much content and not enough substance.
Zein: Ah. A pity. Perhaps the next one will have more to say.
SESSION CONNECTED
[FATELESS]: JELENE DRAUS
Draus: Avo, what the fuck are you doin’?
Avo: Hosting talk show. Why?
Draus: I thought we were synced on keepin’ things quiet. You know. Like not lettin’ every half-strand in the world know about us. You blinked out of existence after makin’ a dive over to that block and now you’re on New Vultun Sunrise. You tryin’ to get snuffed?
Avo: Why? I’ll just get better.
Draus: Not after a gettin’ filled up with Rend you won’t.
Zein: Do not worry, Captain Draus. I, Zein Thousand, Last Champion of the Ori, have a cunning plan.
Draus: Ah, fuck.
Zein: Within my chest is an antimatter bomb. Such a thing is what Voidwatch uses to power their voidships.
Avo: I want an antimatter bomb.
Zein: Hush, little dagger. We will see to what can be arranged with Voidwatch after I conduct this act of terrorism.
Avo: Terrorism?
Zein: Avo, have I told you how much I despise the state? The governing Guild?
Avo: Which one?
Zein: Yes.
Avo: Hm. No. Hate the Guilds too. Won’t let me eat eyes.
Zein: Good. I hate them. I hate them truly, deeply, absolutely. It’s always: “No, Zein, if you twist the future like that it will crash the nature of time itself,” or “Beating someone in a duel does not prove your innocence.” Bah. Drivel. Weak defenses for the weak-minded and weak-handed.
Avo: Why is cannibalism illegal?
Zein: Exactly. What is the point of being born if you cannot fight off hordes of cannibalistic demihumans? Ridiculous.
SESSION CONNECTED
[ERROR]
[Error]: Return our Frame to us.
Zein: Avo, your father-uncles are here.
Avo: [Disgusted ghoul noises]
SESSION DISCONNECTED
Draus: Hey, rotlick. You know you got a real messed up family, right?
Zein: Ah. This is nothing. You should see how my uncle responded after I used my knife to [redacted]. My cousins were never the same after that. But they were alive. Father was so very upset…
SESSION CONNECTED
[ERROR]
[Error]: You cannot deny us. We–
Avo: Draus. Put Kae on.
Draus: What? Why?
Zein: [Laughter]. Do it. Do it. It will be most amusing.
Draus: This better not–
[Error]: Ignoring us will not halt the path of our–
[ERROR] HAS BEEN MUTED
SESSION CONNECTED
FATE IDENTIFIER: KAE KUSANDE
Kae: H-hello?
Avo: Kae. Going to access your memories. Use it to set the Nether on fire.
Zein: [Hyena-like cackling]
Kae: Wha-what?
Avo: Hungers connected to the Nether. Maybe if Nether burns, it will too.
[ERROR] HAS BEEN UNMUTED
[Error]: Wait! You cannot do this! We are your creators! We command you–
[ERROR] HAS BEEN REMOVED
Avo: I choose.
Zein: Wait! Wait! Before we start doing irreparable damage to the Nether, I must send something out.
Avo: What?
Zein: Just all the blackmail I have on the Guilds and their leaders… I expect this to start a new war this afternoon. No more laws, Avo. Everyone you can beat, you get to eat.
Avo: Finally. Justice.
Draus: That’s the literal opposite of justice, Avo.
Zein: Rejoice, Captain Draus. You will get to shoot all the half-strands you want now. Just treat the entire city like the gutters. No need to force yourself to fester in the limbo of the undercity. Everyone can die. Including you! One big meaningless brawl! The fight to end the fight of all fights.
Draus: [Sighs] Fuck it. I don’t give a shit about justice anyway.
Kae: I–uh–
Zein: Ori-Thaum is going to collapse without the Nether.
Kae: Oh! Y-yes! I’m–I’m going to b… u… burn your house down, you–uh–
f-fu-fucking nu-dogs–
SESSION CONNECTED
[FATELESS]: AEODON CHAMBERS
Chambers: Wait! No! Spare the Soft Master collection–
SESSION DISCONNECTED
End transcript.
What happened next in the studio is unclear. Much of the Nether remains ablaze from whatever mem-con was cast. What is known is that the ghoul’s Metamind caught fire in moments, inflicting the same affliction on every single viewer tuned in at that instant.
Comparatively, the resulting antimatter detonation at the heart of the Tiers was far more manageable in terms of damage.
When representatives from Voidwatch were asked to answer how Zein Thousandhand was able to get an antimatter engine implanted inside of her, they responded by momentarily canceling the licenses of all technologies.
Subsequently, all questions were dropped.
