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Crash and grow
🕑 Added 2024-02-12 21:15:56 +0000 UTCIt's been a while since my last update here regarding...well, everything.
I have considered not writing anymore about my life here and keeping things to myself or just talking about them with my real-life friends. But I figured that you should get to know more about who you are supporting even if you mostly care about the visual novel. And that's ok and expected. I am just another guy on the internet in the end. After all, you can always skip reading these if you don't feel like it.
Part 1: Crash
Health
I've been through some stuff and since yesterday evening my body decided to stop working as intended. I am unsure if I'm sick or have a mild case of hypothermia or both. I've been feeling icky for a few days now, but yesterday it went into high gear, with today being total destruction in terms of being able to step out of my bed in the first 5 hours after waking up. I was cold all day, but with the help of two warm water bottles, I managed to keep my symptoms relatively in check. My nose is now running and I still feel cold, but it's better than how it was this morning at least. The body says no when the mind doesn't want to stop. I have been going swimming 5 days a week for a month and a half now and during the weekends I have also been doing work at my mom's place that I need to clean out ASAP.
Memories
Between absolutely everything regarding medicine, pain, love, life, etc. reminding me of my mom, I've gotten to a point where I lost a big part of my will to live. Life just doesn't make as much sense as it did when my mom was alive. Every day feels like a struggle, everything looks grayer than it used to and even little things that used to not bother me now feel considerably worse. Tomorrow will be exactly 3 months since my mom passed away and I thought I was doing better: I'm not. And it sucks. I really wanted to move on, and deep down I know that someday I will be able to, but right now everything around me is a shitty reminder of how life could have been...
Finances
To top it off, my brother has stopped speaking to me since before Christmas last year. I asked him for help with the funeral costs and since then just radio silence. Not even a "happy birthday" to me last month. The total costs plus rent and other stuff is at an abnormal 6500€. Absolutely insane. Money over anything and everything. I dug into most of my savings and at this point, it's a certainty that I will have to go back to work. There's no way I can go on like this. The good part though, is that I have already paid Rlion and Tito in advance for the next 2 chapters, so we're at least going to have those out relatively on schedule. I don't regret doing that. In all honesty, Light My Way has been the one thing keeping me sane throughout all of this. It's a thing I can work on daily even if so much shit has piled up on me recently. It's what I come back to each and every time there's a garbage day or week or month.
Part 2: Growth
Leaving
After all of this, some old feelings have come back in full force: I don't belong here. I never have. When I arrived in Germany about 14 years ago I remember posting on Facebook that I dislike this place, that the people are cold, blunt, and frankly, assholes. I saw the memory again recently and thought to myself: nothing changed. It's been 14 god damn years, and nothing has changed. Well, one thing has: my mom's not with me anymore so that means there's nothing left for me here. I do have some very close friends that I will miss for sure, but I can't stay here anymore. Where to next though? Back to Romania? Maybe...Maybe there's still some soul left for me somewhere there. I am unsure yet where my next destination should be. Perhaps a quiet village in Portugal by the coast? Or should I go to Asia somewhere? I don't know. What is certain though is that I want to leave by the end of the year.
Kinetic
The great thing about Light My Way is that it's almost fully written. There are another 7 chapters, that admittedly need editing, ready to be posted once the art assets and coding are done. So even if I get a job and do not have as much time to do everything that I planned on doing for the novel, at least there are some chapters left that can be prepared and posted. I love my story and it will become better and better in my opinion. I've worked hard on it and the editing process has also taken a lot out of me, but I can't wait to get back into it. Maybe once I figure everything out with the last paperwork that needs to be done here my mind will be clearer again.
Merchandise
I've been busy creating merch for the novel, although now that I think about it, maybe it was considerably premature to start on this endeavor. I can't back out anymore so I can only move forward. I wanted to make more merch to apply for Eurofurence as a dealer, but have since changed my mind about it. I don't know where I'll be in September of this year, so it's best to just focus on the online shop and promoting Light My Way to reach a bigger audience. I'm still struggling with that and while I know I could do more, it's also too much for me right now. I can barely hold myself sane, never mind scouring social media for promotion. At least I did get some stuff done and hopefully, people will like what I created. The art was indeed commissioned but I put in the physical work for everything else and I'm happy with what I ordered. Honestly, I wish the novel would start making enough so that I could exist. I don't need fancy stuff, just enough to survive. What a dream. If I work enough on this it might come true though. So, fight on Hadrian :)
Thanks
As always a big thank you to everyone who is supporting my dream of becoming financially independent via my writing. It means a whole lot especially nowadays when everything isn't as certain as it used to be for me. I don't know where my life is heading, but it will certainly have writing involved. It's what I am meant to do and I can't help but love it with all my heart. AI be damned, I am man, hear me write :)
See you in Stradia!
- Hadrian Maximus
