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The light, the void and everything
🕑 Added 2023-11-08 20:54:48 +0000 UTCIt's 21:27. I am at the hospital in this room that's meant for coffee breaks, I assume. The light towards the hallway only shows me the way to where a strong void awaits. I'm no longer sure how to feel. Some days, it's ok and bearable. Some days, it's pure chaos in my head. Today is a good day. And I think that moving forward, things will become clearer. Absolutely not easier. Terrible from many perspectives, but clearer nonetheless.
I need to accept a lot that's happening. The changes that will come with this horrid event. How my life will shape itself now that I will become alone...I don't know. I can't know. And nor do I have to know right this moment. There is so much pressure and hurt around me. I don't need extra baggage to carry. Both my arms are full enough. I'll cross the next bridge when I get to it. What I need now is to make things lighter. No more "What if?" questions. No more wondering about the past, no more anxieties about the future. I need to be present right now. No matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I don't want this to be as it is. All of this pain, it needs to happen now because I don't want to take it with me forever.
Every time I go in my mom's room and look at her, while she is barely breathing, my mind thinks if it's the last time I'll see her alive. When her breath stops for a beat, I have a moment of true fear and panic. My stomach and guts are clenching only at the thought... But this is my reality, and the sooner I accept it, the better. The hurt, the sorrow, the despair...the everything, I need to process it now. I don't want to be like that Tore guy from that Netflix show. Life comes at all of us really fast. And then it's gone. What is happening now only shows me that I need to take every day more seriously but to also fully live it. It could be my last. It could be that I end up in a hospital in my last weeks or days. I want to be the type of person who can say that he was happy. I want to settle all my scores and stop overthinking things that have no room in my life. I obsessed so much over so many small things and now I just feel silly about it. So many things don't really matter, but I realize this only now in these moments of true loss. How unimportant so many things look like from here...now.
I am dreading going back to that room where there's a person who is waiting for her end so she can be saved from this living hell that she's going through. My feelings are getting the better of me again, but I need to stand strong. I don't want to worry her anymore. Especially now when she's confused about so much. I need to show her that she raised her soon well. So I'll get up and go, and hold her hand, and smile at her when she sees me.
And whatever happens, I hope the last words she hears from me are...
Mom, I love you.
