Kevin Coughlin
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EARLY ACCESS ~ JASON X (YT EDIT)
🕑 Added 2025-07-21 00:09:28 +0000 UTCJason X (2001) is what happens when a franchise has run out of woods, cabins, camps, cruise ships, and logic—so they strap a machete to a cyborg and launch him into space. It’s not a horror movie. It’s a sci-fi parody masquerading as a Jason movie, and even that feels generous.
Tara hated it. Hated the tone, the look, the terrible jokes, the way it treats Jason like a punchline in a SyFy Channel original. And honestly? She’s got a point. This isn’t Crystal Lake—it’s Crystal Space Station Zeta Prime or whatever, and the kills, while occasionally creative, feel like they’re being beamed in from another movie entirely.
From my side? It’s dumb. Real dumb. But it’s also weirdly committed to being dumb, which kind of makes it watchable. It opens with Jason being cryogenically frozen like some murder popsicle, and then 400 years later he’s thawed out by horny space students on a floating science lab because no one in the future has ever heard of “Don’t Touch the Murder Zombie.”
He wakes up, starts slicing through space teens, and then—we get Uber Jason. Yes, Uber Jason. Nanotechnology rebuilds him into a shiny metal super-slasher that looks like Robocop's evil cousin and makes a noise like a garbage disposal full of forks. He punches a guy’s head clean off, shatters another’s face in liquid nitrogen, and even gets tricked into a holographic simulation of 1980s Crystal Lake where he repeats the sleeping bag kill for comedy. That scene? Okay, that’s funny. Credit where it’s due.
But overall? It’s a tonal mess. It wants to be Aliens, Scream, and Power Rangers all at once. The characters are barely sketches, the CGI looks like it was rendered on a PlayStation 2, and the pacing makes 91 minutes feel like an orbit around Jupiter.
Tara’s verdict: Burn it. Space and Jason do not mix.
Mine? It’s a trainwreck in zero gravity. You already watched eight movies of machete mayhem—this is what happens when the franchise hits the hyperspace button with no destination. It’s awful. It’s hilarious. It’s somehow... both.
But make no mistake: this is the point where the franchise stops trying to be scary and just leans into being a weird, gory cartoon. You’re either laughing with it or groaning through it. Tara groaned. Loudly.
