BlahberryPancake
patreon
Tumblr post just in case you haven't seen
🕑 Added 2021-08-06 16:47:23 +0000 UTCHi guys. I’ve decided to come clean about stuff I’m referring to in the last post. So it’s gonna be long and not for everyone to read, which I understand.
I’ll start off by thanking everyone who sent me a sweet message. Your ideas and tips are amazing but unfortunately I don’t lack ideas, it’s the motivation keeping me from creating. But the thought counts. <3
So I guess explaining my current situation will help you understand my lack of will to create.
Half a year ago, I moved to Germany (not gonna even talk about the shitty situation in my country of origin rn) to my parents and to be closer to the rest of the family too. It was supposed to be only for a while and then I would move away together with my brother to our own place. But yes, that still never happened. There’s a lot personal struggles in my family that add up to that. But the situation is that I sleep in one room with my parents at age 25. I get the couch. And we have 3 dogs that like to take my space too hah so all in all, no privacy whatsoever. My pc is in my brother’s room so whenever I go there, no privacy either from him this time. Even the bathroom has an old accordion door that has a barely alive hatch. So no matter what you do, everyone always hears you and can and will disrupt you at some point.
I lived alone for 2 years before that. Just with my dog. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. So I got used to being independent. And it really worked well for my veeeery introverted ass.
Now with someone always there around me, my mental health is plummeting. Next year will be my 10 year anniversary on being medicated for my mental illness. Of which I have quite a lot. Most prevalent is my borderline personality disorder and insomnia. I also suffer from depression, social anxiety and neurosis. I’ve been getting so much better right before I moved here and I feel like all my progress is gone.
I was so happy to finally be able to help my parents with money and have enough left for life (which is just groceries lol). All thanks to being able to work as a 3d freelancer, making cc for you guys.
But now I’m really not sure what to do anymore. The past few months I’ve been going in and out of depressive episodes. Most of my time I just spent dissociated, doing nothing. Whenever I try, I just can’t make anything that I’d end up liking or I just stay in bed because I know it’s pointless.
I’m really not sure how to explain it better. But yes, anyway… I’ve been thinking about quitting cc. I’m in a difficult situation and I need stability. Especially financial. I can’t work normal jobs because of my mental issues so remote is my only option but that’s not as easy to do as to say. I’ve been looking around and I’m either not qualified enough, not social enough or not experienced enough. Never good enough. My life’s story amirite lol nevermind. I’m not really sure what I’m rambling on at this point. I just wanted you guys to know the situation.
If things change sometime soon and I can move out with my brother, I’ll have all the time in the world to create for you guys and get enough for food and bills. If not, my insomniac ass will probably have to get itself together and find an actual job. Which terrifies me. I was only able to finish school thanks to my mom moving me to homeschool program so the teachers would visit me, otherwise insomnia and social anxiety would have destroyed me and I wouldn’t have any education. And I still did that barely. My sleeping is really bad. Even with different meds I take and tried over the years.
Okay now I’m really rambling. I’m sorry guys. At this point it all depends on what’s gonna happen in the end. I can’t promise you that I’ll keep creating. But I’ll definitely let you know. I really wish I can continue because I love creating cc.
for my patrons. I'll keep the page open but the billings for each month of inactivity will be locked.
Comments
helaene
It takes bravery to be open about your struggles. Your health, life and sanity come first - CC creation should only happen when it feels fulfilling for you. Wishing you luck and take care! <3
