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The Big Oof! Volume 1 Chapter 18: Noticing a Clown
🕑 Added 2022-12-19 08:42:17 +0000 UTC“Wait wait wait wait, you can read!?” Elijah slammed his hands on the desk, bringing his face closer to Auri with near bloodshot eyes
“Y-Yes!” She stammered in fear.
The woman was at a steep angle attempting to lean as far away from the crazed man as she possibly could.
“Master Simol had taught me during my employment.” Nervously started to explain herself to the intense man. “I-I’m not very proficient, but I was able to handle reading off reports to him!”
Auri felt like the man was peering into and judging her soul when he narrowed his eyes and brought his head closer. Nevertheless, she held firm and didn’t flinch away under the scrutinizing gaze, realizing the man most likely thought she was lying.
“Documents!” Elijah demanded, shooting his hand towards Azeline.
The woman in question looked at him with tired eyes as she once again grabbed her satchel and pulled out the animal hide parchments. She had her doubts about having Auri read documents they just stole from her place of employment, but it didn’t seem like they had any other options.
“Read this and give me a summary.” Elijah said, passing a single page to Auri.
Squinting her eyes at the page, Auri nervously looked at the page and then at Elijah before squinting her eyes at the first few words.
“Okay… Uhh… 5th of Larcen, year 696 distribution of material from Kjadnar had arrived in town.” She started to read.
Azelines eye twitched at the name and opened her mouth to interrupt, but Elijah beat her to the punch.
“What are you doing???” Elijah asked with bewilderment plastered all over his face.
“Umm… Reading?” Confusion started to consume Auri, wondering what she did wrong.
Elijah sat there staring at the woman for a long hard second before bringing his hand to the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t something he wanted the ENTIRE tavern to be clued in onto their business, especially since it was so close to prime time.
“I meant; read the document silently and summarize everything… later.” Elijah clarified, trying to rub the headache that was starting to form.
“Oh, okay!” Auri replied, understanding what Elijah was getting at.
Except she didn’t.
“Ahem, with the arrival of 5 tons of liquid goods, we’ve gone ahead and distributed them to assigned couriers.” Auri started reading in a quiet voice.
However, in the middle of her recital, she made a complicated face at the recognition of the documents, but her thought process was disrupted once more.
“What… The fuck are you doing?” Elijah said with both hands pointing towards his head. “I meant; read it silently in your own head.”
Not only Auri, but Azeline stared at the man in confusion as if he had a third arm that was growing out of his head. Neither of them have ever even heard in legends of anyone being able to ‘read in their own head’ as if one was having an inner monologue.
“You’re… asking me to do the impossible?” Auri asked incredulously.
…
Silence reigned as Elijah stood there, with his mouth and eyes twitching trying to vocalize if this was a joke or not. However, the man settled with a blank expression when he realized Auri wasn’t joking and she in fact, couldn’t read within her own mind.
The shock and realization of what was normal in this world left Elijah effectively stunlocked while he stood there mouth agape. But the silence was soon disturbed as Bennett clutched his sides and let loose a roar of laughter.
“HOLY SHIT!” Bennett managed to get out between laughs. “Yes, yes! Of course, why wouldn’t that be the case!?”
Sitting back down, Elijah ran his hands through his hair in an attempt to retain his sanity and accept the reality he was in.
“Okay so, let me get this straight.” He interlocked his fingers and rested his arms on the table. “You’re telling me… You’re only able to read by vocalizing what’s written down?”
“Y… Yes?” Auri stared at him with a difficult face for a moment before nodding in affirmation. “That is the only way one is able to read.”
Unable to help himself, Elijah also started to softly laugh at how ridiculous everything was.
He just kept running into one absurdity after another.
Thinking back, the man distinctly remembered having a debate over a certain man named Ambrose of Milan and his ability to silently read. Apparently that was so novel and special, people actually bothered to document it as a historical fact about the man.
A sigh left Elijah's lips as he motioned for Auri to continue ‘reading’ the document.
“Ahem…” the red headed woman cleared her throat and continued to give a detailed report on the latest shipments that had arrived.
The parchment Auri was given was a very detailed report on newly arrived goods that arrived by merchant ships. Each listing detailed what was being delivered, who was delivering it, how much it weighed and where it was going.
Every item that was detailed was utterly mundane except one group of oddities.
Kjadnar’s liquid goods.
There were no details or descriptions that were provided, just vague approximate weights and vague destinations. What made it more peculiar was the fact that the cargo was to be transported by Master Simol’s personal ship and was to make stops all over the Principality and make its way into Holy Dominion.
And when Auri finished reading, she couldn’t help but feel unsettled by the fact they were in possession of her employer's personal documents.
“Um…” She asked with upturned eyes. “M-Might I asked where you got this?”
Azeline was bringing a spoon of porridge to her mouth when froze and slowly looked towards Elijah in concern wondering how he was gonna dig himself out of this one.
“It was acquired when we were tasked with investigating Simol’s whereabouts, but I’m unable to go into further detail.” He said smoothly, leaning back on his chair so it was standing on two legs. “Our client wants to maintain their anonymity.
“Oh… I-I” Auri said, clutching the Parchment type. “I really hope you find him…”
Her eyes started to tear up at the fond memories of her years-long employer patiently teaching her how to read and helping keep supplies flowing through her town.
“Don’t worry, we’ll find him.” Elijah said with a serious face. “and we’ll find the piece of shit who hurt you as well.”
Tearing her gaze away from the man, Auri brought the parchment up to help hide her flushing face. Her heart started to beat harder and harder whenever she looked into his eyes and couldn’t help but wish he was there when her attacker forced himself onto her.
Seeing the red headed woman’s positive reaction, Azeline finally let loose the breath she was nervously holding and resumed consuming her porridge.
She had to admit, her partner was not only quite clever, but he was extremely proficient in deception. When she looked over at Bennett and saw the man wasn’t even phased by the situation, it made her even more curious about their origins.
The more she learned about the two, the more they broke reality and turned common sense on its head.
“T-Thank you…” Auri managed to squeak out, trying to hide her embarrassment.
Giving her a warm smile, Elijah opened his mouth to reply, but the man was cut off by the sounds of boisterous laughter as the entrance of the Tavern swung on.
Prime time was here.
A large group of working men started to pour through the door and start occupying the various tables that dotted the tavern halls.
“Ay lassies! Git us some porridge n’ ale!” A tanned skinned bearded man bellowed towards the kitchen.
Elijah's eyes glossed over as more people flooded in, but he managed to catch an irregularity out of the corner of his eye. He was by no means a regular at this establishment but he had an uncanny ability to spot someone acting shady no matter where it was.
And this individual wasn’t particularly good at hiding his intentions either.
“Two tables to my right in the group of dockworkers, is some green haired clown with a scar on his face.” Elijah said switching to his native tongue while still leaning back on his chair. “Fuckers staring right at our girl and he’s clearly not interested in her looks.”
Bennett took a casual glance and caught the man in question switching between gossiping with his mates and stealing glances at Azeline at any chance he got.
A sigh left Bennett’s lips as he casually looked over and saw the man in question jerk his head away in an attempt to not be seen staring.
“Well, the clown part is right.” He said in annoyance. “Apparently this entire planet is a giant fucking circus.”
Nodding in agreement, Elijah turned towards Auri and switched back to the local language.
“Well, we have some business to attend to.” He said grabbing the parchment in her hands “So we better get going.”
A dreadful look briefly flashed across the woman's face as she watched him pass Azeline the parchment. When the satchel opened up she saw there were several stacks of documents that she could potentially read.
“Umm, do you…I-I mean, is there anything else you need me to read?” Auri quietly inquired while her eyes shifted between Azelines satchel and Elijah’s face.
A bemused smile spread across Elijah’s face upon seeing the woman’s reaction.
A book worm eh? He thought to himself as he brought his hand to his chin.
“You know what, do you mind coming back here tomorrow morning? I have a few more things I might need you to read.” Elijah said, tapping the top of the table with his other hand. “It’ll help with our inv-”
“I’LL DO IT!!” Auri screamed as she slammed her hands on the desk with her eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets.
Elijah physically recoiled at the unhinged response and automatically put up a hand to defend himself.
“I-I mean… I’d be more than happy to help.” Auri corrected herself with a fully flushed face as she looked around the tavern to see everyone was staring at her.
Everyone at the table just gave her a weird look while she sat there nervously twiddling her thumb with a beet red face. She inwardly cursed her inability to control herself when it came to anything related to literature, but she couldn’t help it. Every time she had a chance to do anything involving reading or writing, all the wrongs in the world disappeared and everything just felt… right.
“Oookay…” Elijah responded as he slowly lowered his arm. “How about you just meet us here at the same time tomorrow?”
Auri’s face suddenly lit up while she used her hands to cover up the huge smile that was forming across her face.
“Okay!” She stood up and started to straighten out the long dress she was wearing. “Umm, umm…! Tomorrow morning at sunrise, yes!?”
Everyone at the table was giving her an incredulous look as they simultaneously nodded at the woman.
“Okay!!” She yelled excitedly and trotted out the door.
…
“I can smell the autism from here.” Bennett said while resting his head on one hand.
Elijah raised an eyebrow at the man.
“You’re one to talk.” He replied with a smug smirk on his face.
Bennett couldn’t argue with what Elijah said, but he liked to think he was a bit higher on the spectrum. Not only did he have more than one fixation, but the man was at a minimum able to socialize with others to a reasonable degree.
“At least I’m not going to get space AIDs from some furry.” The engineer shot back as he stood up from his seat.
Elijah let out a round of laughter while he got up as well.
“Hey I fucked the tavern matron, not the furry!” He light heartedly defended himself.
“YET.” Bennett clarified, making his way towards the stairs to his room. “Come on, don’t we have shit to do?”
Azeline didn’t understand what this ‘autism’ was or what constituted as a ‘furry’, but she knew these two were having another one of their bouts of banter. However, while she was standing up to leave as well, she couldn’t help but wonder who would come to your aid whenever you had sex with a ‘furry.’
“Eli-jah, what's furry?” She asked as they walked to the stairs herself..
Elijah immediately brought his hand to face in order to massage the headache that was starting to form at the front of his head.
“It’s…” The man stopped himself from answering and pressed his fingers against his eyes. “You know what? Don’t worry about it.”
The elf woman’s ears bounced as she continued to stare at him with a questioning look.
“Well, I hope you receive whatever aid you need whenever you… involve yourself with this furry.” She said, to Bennetts delight.
While Bennett started dying of laughter just ahead of them, Elijah threw up his arms in exasperation and decided to just take the L.
“THANKS.” He said sarcastically as he opened the door to his room.
But just before he went inside, he stopped and thought for a minute.
“Wait for us here before you head down stairs.” Elijah told the blonde-haired woman just before she closed her door.
Azeline stuck her head out of the door to question why, but Elijah had already gone in his room and closed the door.
“uhh… okay?” She replied to no one in particular and stuck her head back in the door.
Shaking off the confusion and turning back to her room, Azeline started to take stock of her belongings and considered what she'll need for their little venture. It was obvious they were going to go investigate this cabin on the outskirts of town, but seeing how the morning just started, it seemed a bit too early for that.
Looking over at her table, a cringe came over her face when she saw the sorry state of not just her axe, but her armor as well. The abused mana-leather gambeson was hung neglected on the back of the chair with that massive gash still on its side.
Maybe it was time to get both her weapon and armor serviced…
Grabbing both the damaged items and her coin purse, Azeline decided she was going to drag the two men through town and do a little shopping. Plus they had a cart full of mana rich reagents that would fetch quite a sum once they’ve found a seller.
Albeit, the individual they were currently looking for was the only one in this blasted town they could sell to enmasse to… but the local blacksmith would be more than happy to take a few spines off their hands!
However, the moment she stepped outside her door with her things, Azeline looked over and saw that both their companions were already outside kneeling in front of their doors.
“... What are you doing?” She asked, tilting her head.
Elijah was the first to finish as he calmly walked over with a roll of… something in his hand.
“We’ll explain later.” He said shooing her with his hands.
Hastily stepping aside, Azeline watched as Elijah closed her door and got on his knees and placed whatever his hand against her door. And with a quiet rip, the man placed a small white piece of what looked like parchment to the bottom of her door frame.
“There! Now let’s get the fuck outta here.” Elijah said, giving her a wink while picking up something rolled in linen.
Bennett did the same as he strolled past the woman and reached the end of the hall where the stairs were. Elijah was right behind him as she watched the two disappear around the corner and sped up to catch up.
But just as she rounded the corner, she heard a small scuffle.
"Oof!" A voice called out, followed by some tumbling.
Looking down the stairs, Azeline saw that her companion had knocked down a man with green hair that was climbing up towards her
"A, sorry friend." Elijah said, holding out a hand to help the green haired man up. "I wasn't looking."
The man in question sneered and spat at the ground as he stood up under his own power and walked down towards the dining room.
Azeline furrowed her brow as she watched Elijah simply shrugged and continued walking down the steps with a nonchalant look. It felt like she knew the man at the very recess of her brain, but couldn’t really place a finger on it.
But, it wasn’t until they were a ways away from the tavern that her memory was finally jogged by a very innocuous phrase uttered by Elijah.
“You’re being followed.”
