sarucatepes
patreon
I'm Back!
🕑 Added 2019-09-01 22:23:21 +0000 UTCHey guys!
I'm FINALLY back on Patreon! I've had an insane couple of months, and I've been traveling a lot, dealing with anxiety, and figuring out my priorities when it comes to school, work, and relationships.
Let's start with the summer.
I went to Romania for three weeks with my best friend Kayla! She and I went on a school trip that counted towards our community service (still really expensive though), and we did children's ministry and photography. It was an incredibly unique experience. There were so many ups and downs on this trip, and I dealt a lot with social anxiety and panic attacks since I was constantly interacting with people in both English and Romanian. Since I was the only fluent speaking student in our group of seven, I constantly had to translate informally for activities, as well as formally when my professor spoke. It was very stressful for me, and while this trip was amazing being able to see more of Romania, hanging out with my photography buddy, and hugging kids every day, I came back exhausted from the trip.
I had a little break when I came back, and then I went up with two college friends to Pennsylvania for the 4th of July. We rented a log cabin, went kayaking, made smores, and spent a couple of days together, and this was a pretty cool internet and social media break for us all.
After coming back from PA, I started to pack for my move. I signed a lease for off-campus housing at a cute apartment complex, and I made the decision to rent a three-bedroom apartment by myself (originally it was two bedrooms, but I had a hiccup with my housing arrangement and had to switch to three bedrooms or not have an apartment for the beginning of school). I had lots of packing, seeing friends, and trying to hang out with my family knowing that this was the last time I was actually living with my parents. This time was really stressful for me since I felt like there were so many things to do and so many people that I was letting down by not seeing or talking to. I've been really struggling with my social anxiety and relationships and I've felt so overwhelmed for the past couple of months. I stopped texting most of my friends since I was focused on my family and move, and that caused some tension that I've had to deal with now coming back to school.
I was invited to go to a Krita convention at the beginning of August, and I made plans to visit Amsterdam and Paris with my mom for 10 days before the convention. I will be completely honest, this wasn't one of my best experiences. There was a lot of tension, anxiety, and unfamiliarity, so I wish I could say I had a better experience traveling, especially in Paris. I know that one day, I need to go back to Paris to revisit all the sights and enjoy my time more fully, but I think all the tension surrounding this trip and my move made the time less enjoyable. I got sick toward the end of the trip, and I had a bad fever at the Krita meet-up, but it was cool to see how small Krita's nonprofit is and how informal of a meeting we had.
I got back on the 10th of August, and moved out officially on the 13th to my new apartment. I'll be honest, I love my new place so so much. I love how quiet and peaceful it is and how much light I get! School started on the 19th, and I also started a job on campus.
Since then, I've been struggling with anxiety and my relationships quite a bit. With being constantly engaged with people for the whole summer, my inner introvert is screaming. I've had panic attacks for the first time in a long while, as well as many afternoons and nights where I've cried because of how overwhelmed I've felt. I'm taking 18 credits again, and I'm working 18 hours a week as a sketch artist and graphic designer at my college. I'm really struggling to find time and energy to see my friends, and one of my best friends from home started his junior year here at my university, and that has put a lot of pressure on me to see him and hang out with him when I don't have either the time or emotional stability to hang out with people at the moment.
I'll be completely honest, I love how immersed I am in schoolwork, my school job, and my freelance business, and I don't feel that at this time of my life, my social life is a priority. It stresses me out so much, gives me panic attacks, and makes me feel awful. The best time I've had these past two weeks has been coming home and playing with my bunnies and turning on some jazz while getting work done. I've been working out to try to deal with anxiety, and it helps but isn't permanent. I've tried to tell my friends I need space and time, and they think I mean two or three hours away from my phone, but I really mean weeks. It's so difficult trying to explain this, and I don't know how to get out of this rut. I feel so overwhelmed and socially exhausted. I'm at school from 9 to 6 every day, and I have so little free time to do assignments now with my new school job. I'm struggling to figure out finances living alone, paying for utilities, and meal-planning, and while I'm so excited by this new chapter in my life, I'm trying to deal with my anxiety. My older bunny is also struggling with eating again, and I need to take him to the vet asap to have his teeth filed. I'm a little stressed about him as well since he's reaching the end of his life and he's been my bud since I was 11.
At the moment, work is the best thing for me. I feel fulfilled, busy, and happy knowing I'm putting effort into school and my business, and I know I need to solely focus on this part of my life for now. I'm so glad to be back on Patreon, to have a little alone space and to be able to share my work with you once again!
Thank you for all your support, for sticking through everything with me, and for listening to me. I know that Patreon is a place where I really share personal things about me with you guys, and I'm sorry that they've not always been the most positive. I'm a very anxious person, and it's something I deal with every day, and I want to be honest with you guys about my struggles! I think that all these things really affect my creative process, and I also want you guys to know that I don't have my life figured out and perfect. My life motto seems to be "fake it until you make it" and I'm just trying to survive at the moment!
With allll that being said, I do want to reaffirm that art, my business, and school make me the most fulfilled and happy right now. I love all you guys! I'm extremely grateful that you guys make it possible for me to have my own place and space to create and be calm and happy. I know that this next year will be so different than my past two years living on campus, and that having a studio to create is going to really push my creative process!
Thanks for all your support!!
Comments
Sharon ODonnell
Hi beautiful! I just read your post here...and you are such a hard worker and your honesty here is soooooo beautiful and healthy! I had panic attacks hit after my 3rd son was born...and after those months in 1998 I got them again in 2014, and then in 2018 up till a couple weeks ago...I’ve learned it’s our body’s way of saying there are things that are too much for us....as you know:)! So the quickest advice is to honor your boundaries and know that it is only your job to be honest with others and to accept if they can be okay and honor your needs...if they can’t they either don’t understand or aren’t genuinely loving you...and you may lose some friends or some opportunities...but that is okay because they weren’t healthy for you in the first place...grieve their loss and then trust that the right friendships, the right opportunities and right responsibilities can now be apart of your life as you set limits...I know it’s hard...I had to separate physically from my husband after he couldn’t stay faithful...after 15 years of him seeing he’s hurting me and my efforts to accept and forgive. In the end I had to let go and set boundaries because just seeing him and hearing him triggered panic attacks...it’s scary and heartbreaking to lose relationships but it is apart of us accepting and loving ourselves first... so for situations that your body can’t take (ones that give you panic attacks), deciding that you won’t fake it till you make it, but resolve to honor yourself and choose to honor your body every time no matter if it lets others down...because you deserve to be respected and honored....no one who genuinely cares will want you to overwhelm yourself so much. We love you here! Thank you for sharing and your in my prayer!!
Darn, it seems like you’ve had a really busy, exciting, not fun but also fun summer. I understand what you mean by tension during times that are supposed to be… well… not tense, haha. Like when you take a vacation but have every minute planned out and you end up more tired afterwards than you were before the vacation—with the bonus of anxiety mixed in. I wish I could be of more support. An apartment to yourself sounds wonderful though! Gonna be honest, kinda jealous! Not that my roommate is bad, but I realized over the summer how much I miss having a room to myself where I can have actual alone, quiet time, and I can be myself. And with school days that full, it doesn’t surprise me you feel exhausted, haha. Really hoping you get some quality time to do nothing and not have to worry. Like, actually nothing. Take some time to breathe, haha! I’ll be praying for you, if that’s of any comfort. Again, really wish I could do more to support you, cause you’re definitely having a rough time. I can offer my $10 a month, prayers, and I can listen, haha :P I hope this week will be an improvement—in fact, I hope it’s wonderful!
