Luxire Worse
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Dao of Fuck Off Chapter 12: Diplomacy and Diving
🕑 Added 2024-08-11 02:18:47 +0000 UTCRaka stared at the wooden hut. Ling stood beside him, disbelief on her face matching what he allowed himself to feel.
So much had changed so abruptly five years ago, during the civil war that lasted all of a week while they thought they were tracking Guang down, only to learn from a cackling breeze that Guang had ordered the spirits to create a wholly false path and then obscure it to waste their time.
Even having gone so far as to give explicit orders to appear to be obeying Raka’s own demands if he personally joined the hunt.
In their fury at being outplayed yet again, they had gone to Guang’s hometown, Oak Bloom village, only to find his former master, now wife, waiting for them with a readied blade. Raka had gotten her talking and learned that Guang had introduced her to his mortal kin and asked her to guard them against reprisal.
Leaving that hovel, they had gone to the recently renamed Shaded Mushroom village and encountered the meddlesome excursion captain Sung and his master, having been similarly asked to defend the mortals. There, they learned that Guang had visited the day before the inter-sect war ended and collected the mushrooms that he’d blessed, and renewed his blessing upon the bowl the mortals venerated for his antic of multiplying the torn and shared mushrooms on his first visit.
Not feeling like wasting blows when the trail to find the upstart had gone cold, they then returned to the sect and discovered the civil war to be over, and the wrong side to have won.
The Ling family was dead. The Ho family had purged their traitors. The Sang, Eit, Tun, and Qing families were all but dead, their only survivors being Guang’s allies.
The Yellow Fang had, inside of a week, shucked every major holdout of good sense and power.
The resulting fight and flight saw Raka saving the last Ling’s life several times, and her returning the favor with a well-timed dagger once.
When they were finally free of pursuit, Ling had begged him to teach her whatever he could so she could hunt Guang down for killing her family, and he’d agreed.
They’d set out together, seeking any trace of Guang’s chaos to find him and kill him. It was an ill fit, the girl’s entitlement and disdain for nicety had to be beaten down so she could learn the control Raka’s arts required, but they persevered, looking far and wide for the social upheaval that would indicate Guang’s presence.
And after five long years, they’d found a hut. Abandoned three years prior by the ‘farmer’ who’d spent an entire season tending the land and engaging with the mortals like a peer.
A hut filled with scrolls and paintings that all held Dao Comprehension that felt like only Guang’s could.
All pertaining to the understanding of fertilizer.
Raka’s eye twitched in spite of his composure.
“Shall I burn it, Master?” Ling asked hopefully.
“No. He is playing with us.” Raka concluded. “He has no doubt left a clue within these scrolls that will put us on his trail with dutiful study. One of his acolytes would perform that study without second thought.”
Ling thought on his words for several moments before nodding. “A clever security measure. Anyone seeking his death other than you would burn the clue out of offence.”
Then they both looked upon the hut and sighed. “I do not relish studying ‘Shit’ any more than you, Ling.” Raka ventured a cold comfort. “Let us be done with this quickly.”
Guang’s death would last for days to sate Raka’s rage at this game.
---
Echoes of a song I’d heard shortly before my death flitted through my ears.
‘With the right degrees off the ocean breeze, any man could surely stay’ was the only lyric to present itself, but it rang true as I relaxed on a bamboo sunning chair on an isolated section of the shore.
Being free of the sect, I’d escaped westward beyond their reach and spent a season helping the local farmers address their poor soil before venturing northward by joining a merchant train as mercenary security.
I’d stayed on with them as far as Demon’s Port, a city that doubled as a fortress against attacks from the continent to the north, where I’d taken on a quiet study of history to try avoiding being blindsided by hearing about things like ‘The Demon Continent’.
Ultimately a misnomer, spiritually speaking, but also a matter that I suspected I’d be asked to address eventually, as there was also an abundance of demons and demonic qi.
Yeah, being an exorcist-for-hire and then learning about the difference between Demonic Spirits and Demons was a bit of egg on my face, but easy enough to laugh off.
After learning that there were more nuances to nature than anyone seeking to hire me had thought to tell me about, I hopped aboard a ship heading east to the island nations and took some time in each one getting to know the locals and the local spirits.
Outside of a few minor instances of some warped beast accosting us and the mortals thinking I’d hit them next if they didn’t bow to me, I’d had a nice, peaceful time of most of it.
Leading to this lovely day, relaxing on the beach after helping another small village resolve their crop issue.
They had been ‘supplementing’ the island’s lake water with ocean water after their over-use of the lake had angered its spirit, and the salt buildup was having predictable effects on their crops.
I’d been talking out terms of supplication for the lake spirit, showing the mortals how to purify their water, and introducing them to the fact that rice didn’t need to be submerged entirely.
Because somewhere along the tradition line, the locals had forgotten that detail. Reteaching them how to deal with weeds and pests in dry rice fields had gone a long way to calming the Lake Spirit. As had teaching them the art of imbuing respect and worship into their cooking, making their offerings much more nourishing than their initial attempts at placating her.
At the polite request of the island Shegong, I’d also introduced them to a few more crops to head off a soil imbalance that had caused him more than one sleepless week.
A good season’s work, and the heat of the summer made the beach simply exquisite to relax on.
“I still say it’s strange that you can study us so earnestly.” The local Wind Governor swirled into visibility on a rock next to me. “Especially while just lounging about like a mortal.”
“And you’re still right, my friend.” I grinned. “What brings it up today?”
“Rumors.” He sighed. “The courts to the south are in chaos again, and my friend Shi Feng blames you, jokingly.”
“She heard about the broken marriages incident, then?” I laughed.
“Exactly! And that got me thinking about all the other little odd things you do.”
“Like the comprehension hut?”
“Like the comprehension hut!” He threw his hands up in exasperation. “You decided to help the locals and the lake sort things out, and then immediately set up a hut to study ‘Waves’. What’s up with that?”
“Nothing at all.” I shrugged. “I just had the passing fancy to pick something to study in depth whenever I stop long enough to tend to a field.”
“And you just leave your studies in a hut for any other daoist to come copy?”
“Naturally! How else would those battle maniacs bother to learn something worthwhile?”
The Governor sputtered with laughter and the beach’s spirit stepped out of the sand with a gentle smile on her face. “Come now Xin, you know he’s almost done here. Ask him already.”
I raised my eyebrow and turned to the abruptly embarrassed Wind spirit.
“Do you have any notes on how to be a good Governor?” he almost pouted. “I- I never got any tutelage. My appointment was an emergency replacement after my predecessor fell to demonic taint. Taking time off and studying under someone who knows what they’re doing would just see me beholden to them after filing far too much paperwork. I’ve just been making things up as I go, and I know it shows.”
I let a smile crease my face as I swung my legs to the side to give him the attention his shoulders screamed that he needed.
“Xin, my friend. Before I gift you my spare scrolls of rulership comprehension, look at what you’ve done. Your position and duty is to resolve disputes between lesser Wind spirits and keep them busy and on task so that Administrator Dongfeng’s attendants don’t have to constantly be cleaning up their messes, yes?”
“Yes?” he leaned back like he feared my smile would stab him. “That’s the bare minimum duty of a Governor, yes.”
“And in your efforts at ‘making it up as you go’, how well has that worked?”
“Decently, I guess? The attendants complain more about the paperwork I personally create than the messes, at the least.”
“Is your job to cut down on their paperwork, or to keep the winds from making more?”
“I make that point too! They just grumble and mutter about transfering.”
“Let them.” My grin turned mischievous.
“What?”
“Let them.” I repeated. “One at a time, make sure they filed for a replacement properly, and approve a transfer request every couple of months.”
“But then word of my incompetence will spread!”
“Have you forgotten that they already talk to each other?” the Beach spirit, Sha, sighed, having caught on to my suggestion. “All that letting them transfer will do is remind them of how much work you’re saving them, and replace them with someone who can appreciate you.”
“I’ll become a laughingstock! Everyone will know how bad I am at the job!”
“Xin, buddy.” I reached out and grabbed his shoulder. “First, stop and think. How many of your neighboring courts welcome your suggestions? The Shegong here? Nothing but praise for you. The Surf? They’re all great fans of your work. The crops? They specifically credit you with keeping them intact by letting your winds pick up some of the salt when they gust. You don’t get that sort of popularity by being bad at the job, understand? You don’t get a lovely beach spirit stepping up to push you into asking for help by being a failure.”
He blushed a little, but swallowed and nodded.
“Second, stop and look at who you asked for help.” I held his gaze until I saw it click that asking a chaosian for help with Order was a suboptimum decision. “I can share principles, I can share advice, but all of my notes are going to involve finding the lines that you need to toe, and cleverly ignoring the rest of them. I can help you be good at the job, not be popular with the administration. The only thing I do that makes them like me is fill out my own paperwork ahead of time.”
“Then why would you tell me to grant the transfers?”
“Because that’s the administration’s mechanism for correcting administrator/court misalignments.” I sat back casually. “What it sounds like to me is that you’ve had the same set of administration attendants that worked under your predecessor, and they hold it against you that you are not him. The correct answer to that is to allow them to request a transfer elsewhere and acclimate their replacement to your system. Maybe even ask for their help streamlining your paperwork so that it’s not jumping through old hoops that make excess work.”
I laughed and tossed both spirits a fruit before taking a bite of a third, a mango. “For that matter, if Dongfeng agrees to the new method, your neighbors will probably copy you, and then you’re a visionary instead of a weirdo.”
“It can’t be that easy.” he shook his head and took a bite of the peach.
“Try it anyway.” I insisted. “It’ll clear up enough that you can figure out the rest yourself.”
“You’d be surprised how predictable the Bureaucracy is to Moshui’s methods.” Wuhen swirled into visibility next to me and I traded an apple for the papers he carried. “With that, I predict my workload completed, if you’d like me to assist Governor Xin in sorting the transfer paperwork.”
“Oh, I couldn’t impose on you like that.” Xin started to wave off the offer.
“It wouldn’t be any imposition at all, Governor. Moshui’s methods have allowed me to develop my own might by becoming familiar with all manner of paperwork. I would be grateful for the opportunity to assist you!”
“It’s true. He comes back and we discuss the Ink arts he encountered and I gain benefits from it as well, so you’re even welcome to call his assistance a repayment of itself.” I interrupted his second refusal while extending my Ink qi senses into the small pile of paperwork.
Xin chuckled, presumably at my grin. “Good news then?”
“Technicality hunting pays off again.” I nodded. “I can resolve Linpian He’s issue now.”
“With Nan Liu’s grandson?” Sha’s eyes went wide. “But his entire court supports the boy!”
“Indeed. Frustrating devotion to nepotism, that. Xi Liu’s court, on the other hand, has been complaining about shoddy filing and deferred workloads in the area. And wouldn’t you know it, all the reasons that they can’t get anyone to resolve it are because people have to file paperwork in Nan Liu’s courts to be allowed to act in accord with heavenly regulation.”
“What makes you different, then?”
“My paperwork is already filed.” I grinned. “Remember the disruptive scapegoat they lied to me about?”
Xin’s eyes went wide. “You never closed that case?”
“The ‘source of the disruptions’ hasn’t been dealt with. Of course I never signed off on the case closing.” I grinned. “And now, I have Xi Liu’s blessing to act at the grandson’s level because we all know he’s the problem.”
Sha stared at me. “You must know Nan Liu will retaliate for offending his grandson.”
“Indeed. If only I had a writ of permission from him to resolve the source of the disruptions, free of consequence from his court.” I mused with a shit eating grin. “But what sort of mercenary would include such a specific clause in his contract to deal with a disruptive unnamed spirit?”
Wuhen giggled at the other spirits’ gaping. “It’d have to be one that used excessive force to make an example of the offending spirit, no? Anything less would cause suspicion and have his every move watched for traps.”
I drank in the awe and mild horror from the spirits for a moment before turning to the Governor. “Say, Governor Xin. I’ve got an excursion down to the depths here soon. Might I impose on you to borrow an attendant to ensure I can breathe properly through it? My own attendant, Wuhen, won’t be of much help for this, so if you’d like to make use of his talents in exchange, I can humbly offer them.”
He cracked up, laughing deeply enough the wind coming off the surf intensified to a strong gust for a long moment before he composed himself. “If you’re that dead-set on helping me, I won’t argue any more! I’ll find a suitable attendant to assist you before the day is over.”
Another Wind spirit swirled into being. “With respect, Governor Xin, I would like to volunteer.”
Sha giggled and Xin fell over laughing at his subordinate’s enthusiasm. “You know what? Sure. Just don’t let him drown, and for mercy’s sake don’t get involved.” he said, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Understood, Governor.” the thing bowed with a grin before bowing to me. “I am at your service, Fei Jiao.”
“I’m glad to have your help. But I must reiterate, do not get involved beyond keeping me breathing. It is violently not worth the antagonism between Xin and Nan Liu. Understand?”
“I understand, yes. It is still an honor to aid you.”
“Excellent! No time like the present, then.” I stood and folded my chair before storing it in my ring. “This shouldn’t take long, now that I’ve got the paperwork sorted. So please do come by to see if I’m back in time for dinner.”
Xin and Sha were giggling to themselves as they and Wuhen vanished, and the Wind attendant took manual command of the air in my lungs to keep it fresh and breathable, vanishing in the process.
Then I walked into the surf, being quite glad for robes inscribed with water-as-air freedom so that all I had to focus on was moving myself through the thicker fluid.
Down I swam until the mortal-accessible space was exhausted, at which point I activated my temporary authority as an inquisitor to step into the Green Depth Palace. Ruled in name by Linpian He, but having been taken over almost a century prior by Di Shier Xing, Nan Liu’s grandson.
“State your business!” the gate guard yelped, pointing a spear at me.
“Finishing off some paperwork, little more.” I grinned. “I noticed that my temporary inquisitor rank is still active. Figured I should close that out before I leave the area.”
The guard relaxed dramatically. “Oh, okay. I’ll tell him you’re here then.”
His jumpiness was completely understandable. My contract was set up so that I could act at my discretion on anyone I deemed to be part of the problem, and I’d demonstrated that while turning the scapegoat over to the punishers of Yama would have had him suffering longer, my method very clearly had him suffering more.
And, being a Cultivator as well as an Immortal, other spirits couldn’t be entirely sure that their strength mattered in front of me.
It did. Categorically. But they couldn’t be sure, which made them uneasy even when I was playing nice.
I waited only a short while, ninety minutes tops, before I was escorted to the main audience hall where Di Shier was waiting with a deeply irritated scowl.
“I thought you finished your task months ago!” he grouched. “Why the hell are you showing up about it now?”
The poetry of it was too much to keep a grin off my face. “Well, you see, honorable Di Shier Xing. When I sought out that ill-trained spirit, I rather expected your palace’s paperwork woes to be resolved, and for you to summon me to close out the case properly. As it was my understanding from the oddly uniform testimonies that the spirit I corrected last time I was honored by these halls was the one responsible for the paperwork not being handled properly.”
“It was. Things have been fine since your display.” he lied, poorly.
“Truly? Your neighboring courts and their administrators tell quite a different tale. Why, to hear them tell it, it’s like I never visited at all, with the lack of communication and filing being done. Almost like the ruler of this palace hasn’t signed anything in the entire time I’ve held my temporary rank.”
“Then they’re lying. Why waste your time telling me this?”
“Oh, just idle thoughts. Here is the document I need the Palace Master’s seal on to close out the case. If you would stamp and sign it, the situation can be resolved in full.” I smiled civilly as I handed over a copy of the paperwork.
“That’s all? You interrupted my afternoon meditations for a single stamp?”
“It is amazing how simple things get when you know what you’re doing, yes.” I ignored his lie about using his time productively.
I watched his tiny brain whirr in place as he tried to figure out whether I was insulting him or not, then insisted he take the paper with a gentle motion.
“I sign this one document and you go on your way?”
“Indeed.” I lied easily. “Your signature and stamp are the last things I need.”
I knew he’d been warned from issuing a signature while I was watching, but I also knew that he was barely intelligent enough to grasp that he didn’t have a choice. Refusing to sign would be an admission that he was obstructing the proper functioning of the court.
But his grandpa had his back, and he knew I knew it. So it didn’t matter whether I caught him for forging a signature or for obstructing proper functioning. Because while I could kick the paperwork around, Nan Liu would never have given me clearance to do to him what I did to the scapegoat.
So as his tiny brain put together the fact that he was trapped, but that I couldn’t actually do anything to him, he concluded that getting me out of his face was more important than the advice he’d received, and he pulled out the Palace Seal with a grumble.
The ink dried instantly, Ink spirits having been among his greatest detractors, and I collected the paper as soon as his pen was off it.
“Wonderful! Now I have hard proof of you usurping the Palace Master’s authority and we can get this finished!”
“What?” he sputtered as I rolled the evidence into a tube with the documentation that Linpian He was still the Palace Master. “You- get ou-”
My hand slammed into his throat, cutting him off. “Don’t waste your breath. Unlike you, I know how to navigate rules. And now that everything’s in order, I get to do my job.”
Guards had their spears pointed at me in the same time my other hand took to raise a halting finger. “Do you really want Yama’s punishers to have your names for interfering with an inquisition?”
I let them flinch back a step before continuing. “Let me do my work, or my attendant finalizes the paperwork for all of you. Nan Liu might kill you, but Yama is full of specialists in making you wish they’d kill you.”
Fear and good sense drove the guards to backing down and stepping out of the room, to Di Shier’s horror.
“There.” I grinned viciously. “Now, about obstructing the duties of the Earthly Courts of the ocean. Your punishment.”
His head shook in terror as my hand held his throat closed. Then my other hand smashed into his face and confirmed my suspicions that he was pathetically weak.
“Don’t worry. You’ll heal.” I sneered, then hit him again. “Someday.”
I dropped him and set about dislocating his major joints with just enough stolen healing technique to make sure he felt it despite his mangled face. After all, the Joker had a point about starting with the face otherwise.
I was just finishing with rearranging his ankles when one of his elite guards, assigned by his grandfather, shoved his way into the room despite the protests of the rest.
“Ah, Qingse Changqiang.” I smiled at his dumbfounded expression. “I’m just finishing my duties as freelance inquisitor. You can have your charge back in just a minute.”
I swayed on instinct and barely dodged his bident as it came for my head. “Touchy touchy. I’m just doing the job I was hired for.”
“You will die for touching Nan Liu’s family!” he roared as I dodged another flurry of blows.
“Only if he wants to be demoted in accordance with the Shamed Face protocols. After all, I was granted impunity for actions serving my job.”
“You won’t live to shame him!”
I couldn’t have kept my grin off my face if I wanted to. “I hear threats like that often. Want to walk to Yama with me?”
He was good. Easily my superior in straight combat, though not nearly as overwhelmingly as his reputation had me suspect.
But there’s just something powerful about an evil smile and an invitation to hell that he wasn’t immune to. And in that moment of hesitation, my Flowing Spirit Path was in place and I was behind him, arms clasping for a full nelson.
His reflexes and speed made clinging to his back difficult, but it wasn’t until he made the mistake of trying to flip me forward that he made any progress in shaking me off. Sadly, that progress resulted in me having the leverage to wrench his foundation in the water around us from him, sending us both into a dizzying riptide-like turmoil as knees and fists found guts and bones.
Even having pulled him into my fighting pattern and deprived him of his bident, he was vicious enough that I found myself cackling in adrenaline and fear as I fought, taking bare solace that he seemed ever so slightly put off by how much fun I was having.
He finally landed a solid body blow combo that threw me off him and regained his stance as I twisted in the water, mostly upside down, and spat some blood from my mouth.
“You’re a madman!” he swore as I noticed his wounds taking a toll on his imperious stature.
“And you’re stupid enough to stand in my way.” I retorted with my battle grin locked in place.
“Di Shier! Rescind hospitality!” he ordered his boss as he charged me, ignoring his fallen weapon that it would have taken him precious fractions of a second to retrieve.
My Path sprang into existence again, leading to a grip on his legs that his reflexes had him defending from in the blink it took me to move along it, only for me to stop halfway and slam my elbow into his neck instead, beginning another blur of impacts and blood, during which I felt the water around us become less accommodating.
Qingse felt it too, and started focusing on body blows to force me to exhale, and I played along like I was actually worried about drowning, just long enough that he left his head unguarded to guarantee a heavy blow that shoved most of my lung capacity out of me.
Then I finished returning the blow to his temple, knocking him out before he could piece together that I came prepared for drowning.
I spat a bit more blood and straightened up. “So impolite.” I chided my intended victim, startling slightly at the tone shift of my voice now that the water wasn’t being civil. “Trying to kill an inquisitor just because I’m delivering your first round of punishment.”
“Y- You should be drowning! Why aren’t you drowning?” he whimpered as I approached with a sadistic grin.
“I’m not done here. I’ll bother caring about whether or not I should be dead after you’ve received your punishment.” I answered as I stepped on his foot. “And if you don’t personally see my corpse, I’d advise avoiding giving me cause to return. Understand?”
His scream from the pain of bones sliding around faded into whimpering and promising to shape up and begging me to stop.
But, as I had an image to create and maintain, I continued punishing him for his decades of stolen authority and careless management by carefully mangling his body in ways that would have him hurting for the better part of a decade, even with medical assistance.
Then, grabbing the stamp and seal of authority, I carried the wreck of his body out past the gate of the palace, where Linpian He, the rightful palace master, was waiting, mouth agape.
“Your usurper, Palace Master.” I smiled as though all my bones were intact. “And your symbols returned. As requested.”
He accepted his station’s markers and shook himself. “Why is the Inquisitor not being welcomed!” he snapped at the Water spirits, who abruptly returned convenience to me. “Much better! I cannot thank you enough, Guang. I can handle things from here. I fear I’ll be unable to reward you further as I ought to, but if you’re ever in the area again, know that you are always welcome here.”
“I am honored, Palace Master. I wish you easy fortunes in cleaning up the mess this idiot left behind.”
“I know!” He exclaimed and then reverted to his natural serpentine form. Then, as I watched, trying to figure out what he was doing, he contorted and pried a scale loose with his fang, then returned to his human guise. “Have this, as a token of my gratitude.” he explained as he pulled out a carving pen and wrote on the underside of the scale. “It will lend you my authority, should you have need of it, and allow you to enter the palace without needing a specialized position.”
“You have no worry of me abusing your authority?” I chuckled as I accepted the gift.
“Not of you doing anything worse than this whelp did, at least. And with your advice on keeping my seal out of others’ hands, I believe you will keep this similarly safe.”
“You honor me with your trust, and I shall not malign you by breaking it. But before I go, your signature, please.” I offered him the original document to close out my inquisition.
He signed and stamped it with a smile, then stepped into his palace to start cleaning house.
I tucked the paperwork away for Wuhen to study and file later and returned to the island as the sun was dipping below the treeline to enjoy what was likely my last week on the island before catching a merchant ship to the next one.
This mercenary gig was actually a really sweet deal, all told.
Comments
Luxire Worse
Spirit roots, here, are essentially 'accidental cultivation', so as long as a mortal has a modern-era tier teacher, they can become a cultivator. (So, given the setting, it's as limited as any other due to poor teachers.) And Guang is not on the demon continent, There are three continents in this part of the world, with the Demon Continent to the north, Guang's home to the west, and the third to the east. (Uncreatively named by locals as Eastern Continent and Western Continent) I'm working on a map, actually, for clarity purposes. Should be up in a week or so, spare time deciding.
Yeno .M Evig
Lovely to see Yin get along with her new inlaws lol. Imagine a whole family of social-fu trolls. Not sure if cultivation is open to every mortal to theoretically learn or if it's like most settings were you need to be in the .00001% to be a peasent born with spiritual roots or whatever. If I read it right Guang lived his whole life in the "demon continent"? Checks out lol. Can't imagine any sensible empires not teaming up to remove such corruptive influences like demons. I wonder what the Orthodox side of the world is like
Confused
Huh so Guangs side won handily and all that's left of the Sect are his supporters and Raka is chasing after him lmao that grudge will not end. All the while Guang is traveling the world as he wanted nice! Wonder when he'll get dragged back to his old sect and how much it'll change by then as well.
Xodarap4
Also Guang leaving behind inconsequential musings on the laws of the world for both enemies allies and neutrals to learn from only for them tomistake them as codes to his location is hilarious
Xodarap4
Oh blazing fuck Guang has become worse than a heavenly/earthly policemen he's become a legitimate civil service Bounty hunter/Marshall
