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Regression Chapter 7: When You Step On A Crack
🕑 Added 2022-07-29 22:37:57 +0000 UTCMadison’s finger scrolled past the Reddit posts. None of them interested her. The job search tab on Linkedin hadn’t been re-opened in 45 minutes.
*Knock Knock*
“Hold on! Don’t come in.” Madison said, reacting quickly to close the laptop then cover her naked body in case Melinda came in anyways. She didn’t open the door, instead she leaned in closer.
“Hey, would you like to get some ice cream together?” She asked politely. Madison let her guard down. Her immediate thought was ‘yes.’ It had been a month since she left the house. She looked out the window. Green trees swayed in the golden late afternoon glow. It felt like one of the last good summer days.
“Um…. sure.” Madison decided, she tried steering the conversation first, “I get to wear a pull-up, right?” She asked hopefully.
“I don’t-” Melinda said at first, but then took a pause. “Yes, you’ve been dry for three days, but do you really think it’s smart to wear your first one in public? You’re getting better, Madison. But there’s consequences if we rush this.” She argued.
“Mom, I’ll stay dry. I haven’t needed a diaper in three days. You promised.” She pleaded, mentally twisting her fingers.
“I don’t know…” She thought, mentally reviewing her potty training chart. The past week had been Madison’s best. She was starting to regularly make it while still staying dry. She recalled the tight hug the two of them shared that morning when she woke up dry for the third day in a row.
At the same time, it was easy to recall stale full diapers laying around Madison’s apartment floor. Dozens strown out, with some even growing mold.
“Next time, okay? I believe in you, Madison. You’ve done amazing these past few weeks, but what if you have an accident while we’re there?” She argued. Madison huffed.
“Mom, I can do this. I feel my control getting stronger everyday. Please?” Madison pleaded. Melinda sighed, knowing she had to be the bad guy here.
“You’re right. You can do this. I know you can do this. Prove to me you can stay dry this one last time, and you can wear Pull-Ups full time again.” She said sincerely.
“Fine.” Madison said, upset with the outcome. She knew there was no getting through to her after her mind was made up.
“Thank you for listening. Don’t think I’m not proud of your progress.” She said, waiting for a reply from Madison, but never got one. “I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.” She said Madison started pacing around the room.
“I can wear a pull-up. I’ve been dry for three days! We had a deal! She’s being overprotective like always.” Madison thought, she looked at her dresser.
The drawer slid open. It housed two packs of XXL Pull-Ups, they were the only size that could fit an adult waist. Madison dug her nails into the plastic. She tore the case open. Light purple Pull-Ups popped out of the tears. The distinct paper-product scent puffed from the bouquet.
“I’ll prove it to her! How can she be mad at me for staying dry?” Madison thought, feeling exhilarated about her new underwear. She replayed the memory of her fall. The feeling of septic slop wringing out into her jean shorts. It was a turning point. She’d put hard work into her incontinence issues ever since. She plucked a Pull-Up from the pack then stretched out the waistband. The padding was noticeably thinner as she lifted it up between her legs. She could feel more skin contact between her thighs. Their purpose was clear. This wasn’t a safety net. She needed to make it to the toilet. Anything more than a passing accident would make it leak.
Nervous thorns sank into Madison. The anxious part of her brain previously quieted by diapers flared like a scab. “What if I can’t hold it!??” Madison thought suddenly, remembering an accident from months before. Rushing into the movie theater’s bathroom, pee leaking unprotected into her pants. No matter how hard she clenched, it wouldn’t stop. Her fingers slowly stopped opening the pant’s button. It didn’t matter, most of it leaked into her shoes anyways.
“Is this really a good idea?” She wondered, looking down at herself. She felt like a little kid. “Is this Pull-Up not thick enough for me?” The idea fired in her head. “Adults don’t worry about that.” Responded. Madison pushed those realities out of her brain. “I’m an adult. I can make it if I want to. Why am I doing this to myself?” She thought, nervously stepping one foot on top of the other. Her arms crossed together like a pretzel. Regardless of how it made her feel, she needed to make a decision.
They were piled neatly in her closet. Her anxiety calmed when she thought about taping one on. She wouldn’t have to worry about making it. If she had to pee, her diaper would take care of it. Was there even a bathroom there? She couldn’t remember. She took a step toward the closet.
“No.” She said, pushing down the toxic thoughts. “I can do this. I’m not like I used to be. How can I put myself in a good position to not have an accident?” She thought, “My clothes.” If they’re easy to take off, then there’s less chance of an accident toward the end.” She thought, opening the drawer below her pull-up drawer. She dug through folded clothes until she felt her fingers run across denim. She pulled out a pair of overalls.
“I can snap these buttons at the top, and it’ll fall right off. This is perfect!” Madison reasoned, holding up the jean overalls in front of her. The more she looked at them, the more childish they seemed. “Maybe that’s why they wear them…” She realized. “No, it’s okay. I’ll look cute. Overalls and a cute top?” She thought, opening the last drawer. She scanned until she found a color that matched her feelings. She settled on a light red T-shirt. It was worn at the edges. The simplicity appealed to her.
“Perfect.” Madison thought, looking at herself in the mirror. She spun around to check the Pull-Up bulk. There was none. “Wow, way less noticeable than diapers.” She thought, seeing zero sign of creases or lines. The difference in the amount of bulk sat with Madison. “Someone definitely could tell I was wearing diapers this year.” She realized, thinking back to times where she didn’t even bother to hide it. Recalling wearing even tighter shorts with shorter legs than these overalls.
“What did that person think of me?” She wondered, “They probably thought I needed diapers. Do people think I need..?” She questioned, she shutdown that thought process.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine. The ice cream shop isn’t that far away. It’ll show Mom that she can trust me in Pull-Ups.” She reasoned, then finished getting dressed.
“Mom, I’m ready!!” She yelled out of the doorway.
“Come on down, I’m ready too.” Melinda shouted back. Madison walked out of her room, through the hallway, and down the staircase. She could tell her mother was scanning the bulk of her waist as she walked down. Nervous pangs pressed into her shoulders. Melinda’s eyes zoomed in closer. She stopped Madison’s quick attempt out the door.
“Are you wearing a diaper?” Her mother asked, moving her hand toward Madison’s waist. She had to think on her feet.
“Yes Mom, I’m wearing a diaper. Do you want to check me?” She said, faking an annoyed tone. Melinda’s hand stopped.
“Please, please, please.” Madison thought desperately behind her cool eyes.
“I believe you.” She said, her hand moving back to the side.
“YES!” Madison thought, breathing an internal sigh of relief. Her mother opened the front door. The sharp afternoon light felt like freedom.
Each car door slammed shut. Melinda shoved the key in the ignition. The engine turned over. Madison leaned forward in her seat as the car started rolling back out of the driveway.
The momentum reminded Madison of a background feeling in her body. Slight pressure waned on her bladder. Madison flexed her thighs on instinct to feel how wet she was. She was dry. It felt extremely foreign to have thin padding between her. She searched her bladder to feel how full it was. There was a low amount, it felt completely manageable.
“I’ll use the potty right when I get there. That’ll show her I’m good at knowing when I have to go too.” She reasoned. That plan made her feel better. “This is all falling into place.” Madison thought, letting herself relax into the chair.
“I’m sorry I made you wear a diaper.” Her mother said as they started down the road. “You’re right there, Madison. If you keep on this path you’ll be back in underwear in no time.” She said, Madison could feel second hand embarrassment from her lie. There was no way she could get out of it now. She fed deeper into it.
“Thanks, Mom. It sucks I got myself into this mess in the first place.” She said, watching the trees whirl by for a moment. “I feel way better, though. If it wasn’t for you and Dr. Elon. I’m not sure if I would have ever gotten out of them.” Madison said honestly.
“I really like that Doctor. She knows her stuff, and she’s always available whenever I call her.” Melinda said.
“How much do you two talk about me behind my back??” Madison said, both as a joke but still serious. Melinda chuckled before responding.
“Not as much as you’d think. She just understands the parent aspect of it. Your case isn’t as unusual as you’d think. She’s seeing it happen more frequently amongst people your age.” Melinda said, rounding a corner. They were nearly there.
“Which reminds me!” Melinda exclaimed suddenly, “I heard of a job opening you might like. It doesn’t have to be permanent, mind you; but I think it would be a great stepping stone for you to get back onto your feet.” Melinda said.
“What is it?” Madison said, subconsciously leaning in closer.
“It’s a receptionist job at All Smiles. The dentistry in Woodstock. Remember the one you went to for a couple months when you were a kid?” She said Madison reacted exactly as Melinda expected.
“Mom! A receptionist?? Making appointments and talking to the public? I have over five years of experience at one of the top financial firms in New York! It would look like I was starting over. Actually even worse than that, I’d look like I gave up.” Madison said, nearly disgusted by her Mother’s suggestion.
“It doesn’t have to be permanent, and don’t put it on your resume if you’re that worried about it. I think it’d be a great way to get you out of the house and back on a routine.” Melinda argued.
“... I guess.” Madison thought, there was some truth behind that. It would be nice to get out of her room. The feeling of cabin fever was starting to dawn on her.
“Something to think about. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.” Melinda said. They pulled into the parking lot. It looked busy. Numerous cars parked along the building.
“Thank you, Mom. I’ll think about it.” Madison said. “It would be nice to have money again…” She thought, as the car lurched to a stop. The movement reminded Madison of the growing amount of pee inside her. A familiar thought loop ran inside Madison’s mind.
“I need to go.” She thought, feeling the paper thin padding between her. She looked at a group of five walking into the store. Fear gripped her emotions. “What if they’re all going to the bathroom??” She thought frantically. It was easy to envision a long line of impatient patrons standing outside the bathroom door.
“Do you need to go?” Melinda asked sternly.
“What? No, no I don't need to go. What makes you think that?” Madison asked apprehensively.
“You’re fidgeting. You tend to do that before you start peeing.” Melinda said, her words turning into an investigation.
“I’m fine, Mom.” She said, opening the car door to exit the conversation.
“Don’t be afraid to use your diaper if you need to.” Melinda responded.
“Mom!” Madison said in a hushed tone. “People can hear you!!” She said, on the outside she had to keep up a composed demeanor. Inside she was starting to lose the mental battle. “I need to use the bathroom the SECOND we get in there.” She realized. The thin padding between her legs exacerbated the fears. “I should have put on a diaper…” She admitted to herself. Defeat started to creep into her thoughts. A part of her brain felt the urge to let go of the growing weight. She had to mentally fight it.
“Stop.” She thought, trying to shake it all out of her. “I’m not like that anymore. I’m wearing Pull-Ups for a reason.” But that thought process didn’t ease the tension as much as she thought it would.
This wasn’t the first time Maidson had been to the Ice Cream Shoppe. Her mother had brought her here since she was young. Although she hadn’t been in years, it felt like she’d been here recently. She looked to her left at the ice cream bar. She saw her reflection in one of the mirrors. The memory of her sticky dream surfaced.
“Ugh…” She groaned, also as a response to the physical pain pressing against the walls of her bladder. Her eyes darted to the bathroom door across the room. Her greatest fears had materialized. Two people stood outside waiting for the single use bathroom. Madison started walking toward it.
Melinda’s hand grasped her arm.
“Honey, can you just use your diaper this time?” Melinda asked, pointing at another group about to walk in. “I won’t be mad, I just don’t want to have to help you then wait behind all of these people.” Melinda said, already making the decision for them. She guided the two of them into the queue. Two red velvet ropes stood on either side of them. Madison could feel her control was starting to melt.
“Mom, are you seriously encouraging that, after all of this progress?” Madison tried to argue, her voice had fallen to a whisper. The pain started building faster than Madison had anticipated. Each second it got a little worse.
“This is your last diaper anyways. They’re all about to go to waste. It’s okay, Sweetie. I won’t count this one.” She said, shooing off her daughter’s frantic pleas. Madison stood in line as the grim reality started hitting her.
“I can go a little bit.” She thought, the plan already in motion. A gush of pee escaped into the Pull-Up. She felt it immediately warm and saturate the padding. It noticeably drooped between her thighs, even from that brief accident. She gritted her teeth. It barely quelled the pain.
“Mmm…” She whined, stepping over her feet again. It was a classic move in her potty dance.
“Madison, give it up. Just use your diaper.” Her mother whispered, but Madison wasn’t paying attention. All her focus was on not letting go of the swimming pool of pee inside her bladder. It hit her so suddenly. Letting go had been a mistake. With the floodgates already opened once, the needle-like pain on her muscles begged to relax. She crossed her legs. It helped ease some of the pressure. Madison looked at the bathroom door. The last person waiting walked into it. If she left now she’d still have a chance. There was no time for hesitation. Madison turned around, and started walking out of the ice cream line.
“Madi- Oh okay fine.” Melinda said, there wasn’t much she could do now anyways. Madison navigated through the line. With her legs now focused on walking, the pain inside her had become unbearable. She felt trickles of pee slip between her control.
“Ooohh!” She groaned, “HOLD IT!” Madison screamed inside her head. The Pull-Up had reached maximum capacity. The feeling between her thighs started growing moist. The denim started clinging wet to her skin. She made it to the end of the line. She was five feet from the entrance.
Her body froze in fear.
“I know! What do you think you’re going to get? I was-” Jessica said to her niece as they walked through the door. They stopped, a mere few feet away from one another.
“... Madison?” Jessica said in shock. She was the same manager who told Madison to stop her presentation and go to the bathroom all those months ago.
“Uh– muh–” Madison stammered, unable to mentally process what was happening. The shear shock corrupted her body. Every muscle seized up. The flow released unrestricted into her full Pull-Up. The pee spilled out the sides. It ran unprotected into the denim. Dark crescent stains grew quickly. The hot pee streamed through them. It streaked down her legs, then into her sandals. Madison didn’t speak. Nothing could stop her eyes from watering, as they too started to leak.
“Oh my god, are you serious… don’t look at her, Sadie.” Jamie said, motioning for her niece to avert her eyes. Madison just whimpered as the tears started streaking down her face. She helplessly gushed into her pants. A yellow puddle started forming between her feet.
“Madison! Are you KIDDING ME!??” Melinda suddenly screamed from behind. She came to her daughter’s side. “You said you put on a diaper! I told you this was going to happen!” Melinda yelled. The entire store was watching them. Madison’s entire existence collapsed into a black hole. She couldn’t do anything except stand there and continue peeing.
“You know her?” Melinda said to Jamie. She opened her mouth to respond, but then looked bizarrely at Madison. The two stared into each other’s eyes.
“No. I don’t know her.” Jamie said, she pulled at her nieces’ hand. “Come on, Sadie. Get out of the way. She just had a big accident.” She said, Melinda grabbed Madison’s arm.
“This is the worst day of my life…” Madison thought, the words delivering a final emotional blow. It cracked her foundation.
“Come on, Madison. We’re leaving.” Melinda said furiously. Madison felt her self-image crumble into dust. Snot accompanied another blast of tears. She whined as she started tugging at her mother’s grip.
“Mom, let me go! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize I had to go so bad until it was too late!” She yelled, as they walked out of the store.
“This is beyond ridiculous, Madison. You’re a grown woman and you just LIED to me about wearing a diaper!? Then you went and had an accident anyways!? You can kiss those Pull-Ups goodbye. You’re clearly not ready yet.” She yelled into the parking lot, letting her anger bubble over. Madison’s pain started manifesting into it’s own rage. Her eyes sharpened into hate.
“LET ME GO!” Madison yelled, tugging even harder, but Melinda had a deathgrip.
“I can’t believe you just did that. Do you realize how stupid you just made us look!? You looked and acted just like a baby in there.” Melinda said. That struck a deep chord with Madison. A year's worth of bottled hatred flamed inside her. She positioned her feet on the cement, she jerked her arm backward as hard as she possibly could.
“I’M NOT A BABY!!!” Madison screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Gwahh!!” Melinda yelped, the sudden force backward was too much. It toppled her. Melinda started falling backward. It happened in a split second. The back of Melinda’s skull hit the pavement. Madison heard the bone crack.
“MOM!” Madison screamed in shock. Her mother didn’t move. Blood started to pool beneath her head. Madison knelt down next to her. She shook her gently.
“MOM!?” She said, desperately frantic this time. People started crowding around.
“Someone call 911!” A person yelled out. Madison couldn’t think. She didn’t know what to do except continue to gently rock her. Nothing happened. She laid there lifeless.
“M-Mommy??” She muttered feebly, as lingering dribbles of pee dropped into her sopping wet Pull-Up.
