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Regression Chapter 2: Unfettered Anxiety
🕑 Added 2022-02-18 17:05:29 +0000 UTCMadison watched the red arrow flash to green. The LED light reflected off her car’s wet hood. She steadied the wheel as she finished the turn. The centrifugal acceleration on her bladder pushed a warning signal to her brain.
“Mn.” She muttered, then clenched her bladder. She took stock of the weight. Her bladder was three quarters full. She shifted her weight uncomfortably to the other side. That did nothing to quell the pain, all it did was redistribute the weight. It was clear she had to pee the moment they walked into the restaurant.
“You have an incoming call from: Sophia” spoke the robotic voice through the speakers. Madison looked down at the dash screen. She contemplated answering.
“Ermhh, sure.” She thought, her hovering thumb pressed on the wheel’s button.
“Hey how are you feeling!?” Sophia exclaimed.
“I’m completely fine. I’m a little nervous meeting someone new, but I don’t think I’ll stay for too long. He’s a bank teller. What will we have in common? I’ll probably be home by eight.” Madison spoke with a newfound confidence. Her eyes flicked to the GPS. She had five minutes left on her route. She envisioned herself finding parking, walking to the restaurant, finally getting to the bathroom, taking her pants off. It felt eons away.
“Wait what’s wrong with that?” Sophia asked with a lighthearted giggle.
“What?” Madison said, she had to recall the conversation. Her mind felt busy. She subconsciously stared down the oncoming Burger King through a rain splattered windshield.
“Nothing! I just don’t think he’ll be all that interesting.” She said, then thought, “I could pee there… I wouldn’t have to hold it any longer too.” She pushed down the turn signal bar.
“Hey, I’m actually at the restaurant right now, so I need to let you go.” Madison said urgently.
“Text me how it goes!” Sophia responded. Madison pressed the button to end the call. She focused on turning into the store.
The car door slammed behind her. She slumped her rain jacket’s hood over her head then zipped it up. Her boots splashed in the puddle adjacent to the entryway sidewalk. The jump sloshed the heavy pee in her body. Her teeth and hands clenched as it splattered back down onto her bladder.
The restaurant was empty except for a dorky looking man behind the counter in a BK outfit. Madison didn’t acknowledge him. Her boots squeaked over the hum of ovens. She walked directly to the bathrooms across the counter. She gripped the door handle under a Ladies sign. The door didn’t budge.
“Locked??” her mind raced. She felt panic grip her heart. The last place she wanted to have an accident was in front of this man. Her head darted down her legs. She thought she felt something leak out. She pressed her hand up against her crotch. It felt dry. She turned toward the man behind the counter.
“Hey, can you unlock the bathroom??” Madison yelled out. She tugged on the door handle a few times. The man stared at her for a few seconds before uttering,
“It’s for paying customers only.”
“Okay but, I need to pee!” Madison pleaded sincerely. The man looked sympathetic but shrugged.
“I’m sorry I can get in trouble for it.” He spoke. Madison couldn’t accept his answer.
“I have Crohn’s disease.” She lied. The man recoiled in surprise.
“Oh, you’re one of those people.” He muttered. He started rummaging beneath the counter for the key.
‘One of those people…?’ Madison thought. She couldn’t look him in the eye when she snatched the key from his grasp. She quickly scuttled to the bathroom door. She shoved the key into the lock and turned it.
“Oh, thank god.” She thought. The sight of a toilet emotionally washed away the pressing fears. She made it on time.
“Phew, that was a little close.” She thought, getting into the stall. She undid her belt then pulled down her pants. The relief seemed to reduce the stress on her bladder too. The weight lifted the moment she realized she wasn’t going to have an accident. She let her pants fall to the floor before dropping her butt onto the seat. The lingering stress of anxiety drained out of her, and into the bowl. The sound of pee splashing into the water; lasting seven seconds before it quickly dissipated into fast dribbles. The flow subsided to mere drops. That struck Madison as odd, she expected more than that.
“Eh.” She rationalized, deciding not to worry about it. “I probably could have made it to the restaurant if I wanted…” Madison admitted to herself. Although that amount of pee had become common for her lately. She stared blankly then sniffed in the bathroom silence. Immediately her hands snapped to the toilet paper roll.
Her car door slammed shut as she fell into the seat. She watched the illuminated drops splatter onto the windshield. She turned the key in the ignition and shook her head.
“I don’t want to be one of those people.”
***
Madison felt the rain had turn into drizzle. She pulled her hood down to feel the cool water on her face. She brushed her long single braid out of her hood and onto her right shoulder. She sniffled from the cold then opened the entrance to The Diner.
She stood in the glass doorway. She could look through the windows at the row of booths. She didn’t recognize any of the faces.
“Hm.” She thought, but then heard the door open behind her. She turned around and lit up.
“Oh hey! Andrew, right?” Madison said to him. She took a polite step back to let him walk in through the doorway.
“Hi there, yes that’s me!” Andrew said in a generally positive tone. Neither of them said anything as Andrew retracted his umbrella.
“Great way to not get wet.” Madison pointed out at the umbrella. She winced at how cringy that came off.
“What’s that?” Andrew said, looking up confused.
“Oh nothing. Just um, cool umbrella.” Madison said about his black umbrella. Andrew nodded then looked down to close it. Madison pursed her lips as he looked away.
“You sound like an IDIOT right now!” Madison thought to herself. She felt the balloon of confidence in her chest deflate.
“Yeah… thanks.” Andrew said, snapping back up. He motioned Madison toward the door. She smiled and opened it for him.
“If this couldn’t get any more awkward.” She thought, falling in line behind him. The two walked down the booths. Anderw selected one next the window. The two shuffled in and sat across one another. He picked up one of the menus behind the napkin dispenser then started reading it. She expected him to say something first, but he didn’t. After fifteen tense seconds she spoke up.
“So, yeah, you’re a bank teller. Do you um, do you like what you do? Being a bank teller? I imagine you must… work with money a lot.” Madison said, attempting to initiate small talk and relate to this man. Andrew looked up from the menu.
“Yeah, it’s not bad. You know it pays the bills. I’ve been doing it for… what... gosh five years now? It’s an easy job. If I’m being honest. I work at the one over in Walmart.” He mentioned plainly. Madison maintained a forced smile.
“Cool, yeah I think I’ve walked by there a couple times.” She said painfully. Madison’s elitism made her feel dejected from the date. Her eyes darted to the drink menu. She didn’t browse it. She knew her drink order already.
“A Manhattan and a Bud. I’ll put those in for you.” The waitress said a few minutes later. Madison slumped back in the booth. The compression of her waist ignited an annoying sensation in her bladder. Her mind woke from its bored daydream.
“No. I CANNOT piss myself in front of this guy. He already thinks I’m weird. Do I want to come across as the weird girl that wets herself?” Madison thought, then continued,” He doesn’t know I went earlier. How does he know how much water I drink in a day? For all her knows I could have had a full bladder when I walked in here” Madison rationalized. She started moving out of the booth.
“Yeah but you know, sometimes I do think about... oh.” Andrew said, looking up from his glass of water. Madison froze in the middle of standing up.
“Oh.” She froze, not wanting to interrupt the conversation. They stared at each other. Madison made a knee jerk decision.
“Hold that thought, I’ll be right back. I just have to pee.” She said quickly. Andrew didn’t say anything, he just threw a thumbs up and pulled out his phone. Madison rolled her eyes as they turned out of Andrew’s view. She walked down the rows of booths to the bathroom at the end.
“What the hell am I doing? I sound like a stuttering moron.” She said to herself. She walked up to the door and pushed it open. It was a single toilet. The floor looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in some time. She didn’t want to, but she pulled her pants down and sat on the seat again.
The flow was weak. A slow stream dropped into the water. It shut off after a few seconds. There was a pause. Madison leaned forward. Another stream, slightly stronger this time, splashed into the toilet. Her pee slowed into dribbles then stopped.
“Alright, I’m not going to have an accident. I don’t have to go anymore.” She reasoned. Her hands quickly grabbed toilet paper to wipe. She swiped dry twice then held the paper in her hand. She peered down between her feet. Her fingers pressed the center of her underwear to determine if it was wet.
“No, that’s normal.” Madison thought, feeling it was nearly dry. She flushed, then pushed off the seat and stood up. Her bladder didn’t feel any different. She pulled her pants back up and opened the stall.
“Alright… where did we sit again?” She scanned the rows of booths but couldn’t see Andrew’s face. She walked closer to her seat, but still couldn’t see him. “No…”
She stopped at their booth. On the table was $5 dollars, and a plastic cup with ice and Whiskey in it. Madison’s mouth dropped.
“Uhh!!” She said in a tiff. Her eyes looked out into the city lights to see if he’d just walked out, but she didn’t see anything.
Her gaze returned to the plastic cup. She downed it, threw $10, and left.
“Fucking asshole…” She said angrily while walking out the door.
***
Madison’s heels clacked on the tile as she walked through the indoor shopping plaza entrance. Her ponytail swayed from side to side. She took off her sunglasses then placed them in a black leather purse. Her eyes caught a glimpse of her watch.
“5 minutes early. Perfect timing.” She thought. It had been a rough month and a half for Madison. This was her first full day off since the accident. She wanted nothing more than to get a mani-pedi and drink. She walked past Sephora then took a left turn.
“Are you…!?” Madison thought when she saw the salon a few shops down. It was completely dark. Their open sign was off. Someone had taped a little white piece of paper onto the door. Madison furiously walked up to the note. She squinted and read the small handwriting.
“Closed: Family Emergency” Madison threw her hands up in exasperation.
“Urgh, seriously!? Great well what the hell am I supposed to do here now? I just drove forty-five minutes out here…” She thought. The opening bar down the hall caught her attention. She stood there for a moment pondering. It didn’t take long to decide.
The bar had an old-fashioned vibe to it. It had long shelves of liquor in front of a mirror, trimmed with dark hardwood. Madison didn’t pay much attention to the details. She b-lined straight for a seat. She slid onto a stool then picked up a menu.
“Do I want a beer?” She questioned, scanning the many options they had on tap. “You know I haven’t had something good in forever.” She thought. Her mind thought of the taste, but quickly associated it with building unnecessary pressure in her bladder. Madison took stock of how much pee was inside her already. It didn’t feel that full. She could pee if she wanted, but she didn’t have to be anywhere.
“Who cares if it makes me piss. I’m going to have to go anyways.” She resigned to herself before deciding on a heavy percentage sour.
When the bar tender placed it on the bar, she grabbed it and took a long sip. She placed it back down already a quarter gone.
“Ahh…” She sighed in relief. The agitation started to subside. She did what anyone drinking alone at the bar does and pulled out her phone. She pressed the thumb ID, it opened. Instinctually Madison navigated to Tinder.
“No… No. No… Eh… No… No, No, Yes, No…. No…” Madison thought as she swiped. She looked at the message icon, half expecting there to be a notifying red dot. There were no new messages. Her free hand grabbed her beer, then took another drink. She pressed the message icon anyways.
Her most recent messages did little to excite her. She scrolled down to look back at her old messages. None of them had transpired into a date since…
“Andrew…” She thought, stopping above his name. Her gaze remained fixed on his little profile picture next to the chat. “I still don’t understand what happened there. I was way out of his league. Ugh, what a douche to leave like that.” She thought, then pressed on the chat to open it. The date of the last message was from three weeks ago, discussing when they’d meet at The Diner.
“Whatever. I’m over it.” She thought, suddenly clicking the lock screen button on her phone. Another long drink went down smooth. Madison placed it back down on the bar. There wasn’t much left.
“Do I need to pee?” She thought at the sight of all that liquid going down. Her head darted around the room to find the nearest sign. In loopy letters read ‘Bathroom’ with an arrow pointing toward a pair of doors in the back. She felt her sudden onset anxiety ease knowing she was safe. If she had to go, the toilet was right there. Her gaze remained focused on the doors for a few moments.
“Fuck that accident.” She thought, “I’m not going to piss myself. I can hold it. It’s not going to happen again.” She reasoned. That train of thought help push her remaining anxiety down into submission. In its place, she started feeling uncomfortable. She subconsciously shifted her weight.
“I don’t need to go to the bathroom all the time.” She thought, thinking back to peeing before she left only forty-five minutes ago. “I’ve been… going too much. I’m fine. I can hold it like any other adult.” Her eyes scanned the room. She didn’t even see the bartender.
Madison looked behind her. Through the bar doors was a long hallway dotted with stores. At the very end was an open arcade. Bright lights flashed from the games. Maybe it was the sense of nostalgia enhanced from the near pint of beer in her belly. Or perhaps the thought of having no judgement fun was deeply alluring right now. Whatever it was, Madison knew where her next destination was. She turned to her beer and downed the rest.
“When was the last time I actually went to an arcade?” She thought, walking into the buzzing arcade. It made her search through her memories. The last time was at least before the early 2000’s. Madison felt a giddy excitement surface. Playing video games was fun but being an adult and tipsy while playing was even better.
“Wow this place is hopping.” She thought, it struck her as odd. “Isn’t it only 11 am in the morning?” Madison thought, before realizing that’s when most of an arcade’s clientele were there. The room smelled musty with a mix of old plastic and gloss. The sent ignited younger memories. Madison felt all her mind and thoughts absorb completely into its surroundings.
“I’ll take $30 worth.” Madison said happily to the college kid behind the counter. They took Madison’s crisp dollar bills then handed her a card with that amount. It took a moment for Madison to process it as her arcade tokens.
“Aren’t these supposed to be coins?” She thought, felling suddenly super old. She giggled to herself at the generation leap. Her high heels tapped gently on the hard rubber surface. As she walked by, a conversation spoke directly into earshot.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Ugh, you peed yourself.” Spoke a woman’s voice through the background.
Madison eye’s instinctually shot down to her pants. Her brain expected to see a dark stain forming between her legs. It flashed true as a moment, but then she recognized her pants felt dry. She clenched her bladder muscles hard. It was on reflex from the weight she’d notice had been building in the background. It reached at an alerting level. Madison frantically looked for a bathroom sign. She couldn’t see anything in the blur of beeping laser guns and explosions. She felt nervous knowing there wasn’t a safety net to catch her just in case.
She breathed in deep to reset her mind. She would be fine. There was no chance she was going to have an accident in front of everyone. Madison was an adult.
“There has to be a bathroom in here.” She thought, feeling her mind surface back to reality. She scanned the walls anticipating a bright neon sign. She couldn’t spot it immediately. It took her a couple minutes to navigate through the maze of towering arcade machines. Finally, she spotted it in a corner.
In the corner were four Skee ball tracks. On the left and right side was a bathroom door. Madison eyes adjusted to the bright yellow and red flashing numbers. The game’s signage and tracks looked well maintained. The light glinted off the white buckets with numbers 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, and 100 painted on them. Madison’s tension eased. She felt elated at the sight of the game. She hadn’t played Skee ball in forever. The bathrooms were right next to her in case she had to go. She reveled in the notion of getting to try her skills at it again. She could nail anyone one of those buckets.
She noticed a pair of college boys roaming toward her. She smirked then shied away to act uninterested. Her hair covered her peripheral view of them. Madison noticed the machines didn’t have card swipers like the other machines. You had to pay 25¢. She dug into her purse then collected 50¢. She popped one in her machine and one in the other. The balls racked the moment she dropped the coin.
Madison started out by rolling her first ball. She angled it just the way she used to straight down the wall. She was a pro at knocking down hundreds. It instantly bumped off the side and landed in a 30 bucket instead.
“Shit, okay not a bad start.” She reasoned, maybe she’d come off as hustling to the guy who started playing next to her. He rolled it down for an easy 10. Right before Madison sinked one in for a 50.
“Okay, okay. I knew I was dirty at this.” She thought, her fingers laced the ball exactly the way she threw it before. She angled the shot in her mind. Straight down the lane, right into the 100 in the back corner of the board.
“Damn.” The guy said next to her.
“Yup.” She said, right as her hand released. The ball moved exactly as she wanted it to down the lane. It popped up the ramp, then tear dropped into the bucket.
“WOOO!” Madison yelled, pumping her hand in the air. She turned to the impressed huddle with a confident smile.
Her eyes narrowed. Her mind focused every neuron to the vicinity of her crotch. Her panties absorbed warmth. She instantly recognized it as a small squirt of pee. She compressed her bladder muscles, they felt extremely achy and irritated. That stopped the flow for a moment.
“Uh.” She stammered quietly. Her feet pushed off the ground for a quick turnaround. Madison darted to the door closest to her. She grabbed at the handle, only to find it was locked. She looked down at the floor and saw a beam of light shimmering out of the door. Madison turned back around toward the boys. They looked with a mix of confusion and disgust. The other bathroom was on the other side of the group. Madison let out an exasperated sigh then walked around the group to the other door. She looked down and away from them as she walked by. She only heard a chuckle.
All her emotional being could do was pray the handle wasn’t locked. When her hand pressed down onto it, it turned and opened on her weight forward. The door snapped shut behind her. Her muscular limit was reached. She felt a soft trickle leak into her pants. It was merely stronger than dribbles, but she couldn’t stop this wave. She whimpered. Her hands moved as fast as possible to her button. It snapped open, she grabbed the hem of her pants and yanked them down. She tried to open the toilet lid and sit down at the same time. She miscalculated and ended up grabbing the seat too. Her butt landed fully into the toilet.
“Fuck!” She screamed; the shock broke the dam. Madison helplessly gushed pee into the cool toilet water. She didn’t fight it. She let what little control she had left relax into the bowl. Madison felt relief cascade down her back as her body released a roaring river. She rubbed her face to ease from the tension. Her gaze ended around her legs.
The center of her gray panties had a dark pee stain in the center. Pee stains dribbled in a straight line from the center of her panties to the back of her pants. She’d leaked all over them while attempting to get them off. Like a footprint trail indicating she didn’t quite make it on time.
Madison didn’t think of much. Her inner monolog was silent. She felt sad. She shook her head in disbelief.
“…What…?”
The door opened. Madison forgot to lock it in her haste. A woman’s eyes locked with Madison’s through the mirror. They each reflected a shocked look at one another.
“Fuck lady lock the door.” She said, it was the same voice she heard early asking if Madison had wet herself. The woman slammed the door shut.
