Maggiescappies
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Diaper Update 2/21
🕑 Added 2021-02-12 17:58:50 +0000 UTCThe critical aspect of living 24/7 that stories and captions on the web don’t capture well, is that it’s honestly only 15% physical, and 85% mental. Your brain is the one telling your bladder and bowel muscles to relax. That means, I am solely responsible for my incontinence. I didn’t get into a car accident or injury myself at a job. I have willingly put my muscles through atrophy, entirely via the will power of my own mind. The thought processes of “Should I be doing this to myself?” is a common occurrence.
It has come in waves over my 24/7 training. When I first started, I had immense pride and acceptance for wearing 24/7. It was impowering to finally live the life I’ve always wanted. But quickly I started having feelings of regret and anxiety over my choice. I documented a lot of that thought processes in my first 6ish Diaper Updates. After spilling my emotions to you guys and reaching out to people about it; I turned the corner and felt most of that regret dissolve.
I continued to feel that way up until the start of this month. I’m not entirely sure why this doubt has started creeping back into my thoughts lately. I think it’s a natural process. It’s normal for people to question any decision that that affects their daily life. Think of being 24/7 as if you’re in a relationship. I’m with them 24/7, and they are a major part of my everyday life. Even in the best relationships, there’s always moments where doubt lingers in your mind.
That’s where I’ve been with my diapers this month. I’ve had some moments of weighty regret unfortunately. It kick started one day when I began feeling conflicted about my urinary incontinence. It’s not a normal thing for a woman my age to have, you know? I hadn’t felt regret over my diaper use like that for almost a year. Back then my response was to take a break from diapers for a few days. Get back into the right head space, then continue down the journey IF I wanted to.
The thing is, I can’t do that anymore. I have to stay in diapers now. If I don’t have a diaper on, there is a 10000% chance I will have an accident, and I certainly won’t be able to tell I’ve gone until I’m already dribbling. There’s even a chance I might mess myself if I was being perfectly honest with myself. It made me feel trapped in my own diapers.
I’ve known for a long time that I can’t live my day to day life without diapers. I simply do not have the physical and mental ability anymore to make it to the bathroom on time. It’s a constricting feeling when I want to spend time away from the padded life but I can’t because I need that padding now.
It invites a lot of negative thoughts. “Why am I doing this?” “Everyday people don’t do this to themselves.” “Will I ever be potty trained again?” That last one is a big one to me. I don’t want to get to the point where I can’t potty train myself out of this if I need to. Right now, I feel like if I wanted to get back into panties, it’d take a long time to regain muscle control. I started looking at 24/7 forums the past couple weeks to see how long it’d take me to re-potty train at my level of incontinence. It’d take me around a year to feel somewhat safe without a pull-up on. Even then though, I’ll likely experience stress incontinence (Peeing when you sneeze, stand up, blow your nose, etc) well after that. I’m not trying to sound all doom and gloom about this! It’s just the reality of my situation right now.
I want to make this perfectly clear: I would rather live my life diapered 24/7 than wear panties. This type of life is taboo for a reason though. It’s looked down upon from a social aspect. That’s going to breed regret in anyone who tries to live this life. I get countless messages from people asking about tips on living 24/7. I don’t get to all of them, but when I do, my main piece of advice is making sure that this is 100% the way you want to live your life. Because you’re going to face moments where you seriously question your decisions. If you think at moment during your training you might stop. Save yourself the trouble of retraining and wait until you’re mentally ready to go the distance.
I’ve been wearing diapers long enough now to know there’s going to be months like this. There are going to be moments where this decision seems wrong to me. It’s woven into the fabric of our society that what someone my age is doing is wrong. It’s okay to feel this way. It’s a natural part of the process that’s going to occur no matter how secure I feel about wearing diapers.
These resurfaced emotions have made me think tremendously about my future training. Perhaps there will be a time in the future where I naturally decide that I’m done being 24/7. I’m ready to move on from being a diaper wrecker and go back into less protective clothing. Maybe I’ll hang around in a pull-up phase for a while. I could live my life with some potty training, and just wear pull-ups for extra protection. If I feel the urge to go, I might have 2-5 minutes before I helplessly pee my pants. Basically, I’m a female in her 20’s with the potty training of a toddler. Who knows, that might be kinda fun.
For now, though, I’m confident I’ll weather these feelings into March and April. I don’t see myself getting out of diapers anytime soon. In the core of my being, I want to be completely diaper dependent. There has been a massive part of me that never wanted to be potty trained. A part that never wanted to graduate out of kindergarten. A genuine part of myself that wants to be little all day everyday. And for the most part, letting that little part of me dominate more of my daily life than my adult side has been the best decision of my life.
Right now, I have totally urinary incontinence. That’s nothing new if you’ve been following my updates for the past couple months XD. Any drop of fluid intake will dribble out into my diaper instantly. I have little to no bladder capacity at this point. I tried paying attention to the weight in my bladder just for kicks once. I thought for sure I had a massive amount of pee in my bladder from the intense weight. Literally though, maybe 5 dribbles of pee came out? There was no possible way I could have held anymore. A shot glass amount of pee in my bladder feels like I’m holding back all the water on this earth. I have less than a second before I lose the faintest control I have when I give 100% attention.
Bowel loss is coming along! I’ve been consuming laxatives to keep everything moving along in my body. The more I mess, the more comfortable I get in messy diapers. The more comfortable I am in messy diapers, the less I’ll pay attention to the feeling. The less I pay attention, the more I’ll mess. And eventually, if I try hard enough, I won’t be able to tell at all when I mess! I’ve never messed without knowing yet, but I am starting to have notable trouble holding it. Even if I was trying to be a “big girl.” I don’t have much time between my bowels alerting me I have to poop, and my bowels alerting me I’m messing whether I want to or not. The whole process takes roughly 20 minutes. And that’s when I’m trying to hold it. When I’m messing freely, which is 99% of the time, it’s merely seconds between feeling the need to mess and it hits the back of my diaper.
Story wise this month you can expect the next chapter in every story I started last month! Mental, Serenity, and of course Living With This. I’m super excited to get the next chapter of Living With This up for you guys. I’m close to finishing it, expect it out sometime in the next week. We’re going to visit some rather intimate times in my diapered life. Maybe a similar diapered experience happened in your life!
Thank you all, as always, for your support. I’m not trying to sound all “Woe is me” about my diaper training. I’m splattering all the genuine emotions I’ve felt the past month onto these pages. This is basically my diaper diary at this point. I see it as not only a conversation with you guys, but more importantly, a conversation with myself. Each month I have to sit down and evaluate how my mental and physical self has progressed down the diapered path. Some days are tough. But really, most days I’m over the moon that I’m a 24/7 diapered little.
And that’s why I (hopefully) won’t leaving my diapers anytime soon 😊
Stay Padded Everyone,
MC
Comments
Starstorm
I think I mentioned this last year during the feedback post, but as someone who is now on Year 7 of the 24/7 life with my little, there are definitely phases and periods where you question everything and want to shift back, and as you note shifting back is hard. But with that said, my experience is that these phases are just that--whooshes of emotion that come and go. Maybe they last a couple weeks or a couple months. We have come to accept them, and try to observe them within ourselves from a distance for a bit. Then, AFTER we've gone through that phase, we take a moment to make sure we still want to be making this decision. The answer, with a couple of exceptions, is always yes. What you do is up to you! And you know now in an intimate way what the drawbacks and benefits might be. <3 In any case, all my/our support to you--and if you ever want to ask a question or something, feel free to reach out.
