Alice Winterhold
patreon
Some photos and my body dysmorphia
🕑 Added 2024-08-29 10:04:59 +0000 UTCI got a new dress and I was pretty excited to put it on. I wanted to take some nice photos in it but it didn't go very well.
This is the thing that's so shit about being mentally ill; I WANT to do things but I can't. I wanted to put this dress on and smile and pose and I was even excited at the idea of doing that, then I saw myself in the camera and it all went to poo. I hated every moment of taking these pictures and I hate that, you can see it in my face. It's kinda cool I guess, this intense stare with a thinly masked undertone of hatred, but that wasn't what I wanted. I have body dysmorphia which means when I look at myself I literally see something different from reality.... or so I am promised is the case. It's very hard to describe but I will try.
Imagine there's a table with a dead fish on it. Every-day you see this table with the dead fish, it is a dead fish on a table, you see it. However, when other people look on the table they say things like "Wow, what beautiful flowers!" or "Those flowers are so pretty", but all you see is a dead fish. You might think they're mad, but there are so many of them; in-fact literally everyone else comments about the flowers and no-one says they see a dead fish. You wonder if there's something strange about the fish, maybe it's a trick? You pick up and touch and inspect the fish but it is most defiantly 100% a dead fish in all ways.
At this point there's only two options: everyone in the world is playing a trick on you or you are insane. You don't feel insane, but the idea that the whole world is out to fool you is most certainly insane, so what the hell do you do? You have to pretend the fish is flowers, trust that everyone else is correct and that you are wrong and the fish is flowers but that is so wrong feeling all the time. Over time you start to get used to it, you even start to see flowers from time to time and it almost feels right... Then one-day you hear someone say "those flowers are kinda ugly" and that is it. Fish validated, everything you saw was true and everyone else is lying. You remember the fish and the fish is fishy-er than ever before, the glitch in the matrix is revealed and the flowers are fish and always were fish and everyone is out to get you.
I am the fish on the table.
This is why it only takes one bad comment on how I look to destroy me, my brain wants its perceptions to be true and I perceive myself as hideously ugly. I am aware that I am probably not a long-nosed, crooked, lumpy, extremely obese, green skinned, boil covered, fish headed freak of nature with a terrible haircut but that is genuinely what I see when I look at myself. Being seen is hard for me but I hold on to the idea that if I make myself be seen then maybe it will get better over time, which it has kinda sometimes? I don't know if this is a good idea actually. It's very hard and I am very not well right now so I'm extra having a hard time looking at myself, which sucks because I WANT to be the flowers, I don't like being the fish. It's hard...
Comments
artemis3120
The lies our mind tell us are sickly sweet and seductive. We want them to be true, we want that validation of "Yes, I really am horrible and grotesque, I was right all along!" because somehow, somehow, that feels safer and more comforting than trying to carve our brain into something that fits the world. I'm truly sorry you can't see yourself how so many others do. I can't even pretend to know you, but thank you for posting this. It makes me feel a little bit better about seeing the stranger in the mirror.
Kenneth roy
7 Hello Alice this is my first time commenting. Firstly I would like to say that it's tragic that you can't appreciate how beautiful you are, not just looks but your personality ,style too. It's good that you are taking loads of pictures of yourself because you won't appreciate them until you are older. I'm a bit older than you and when I look back on pics of me and my friends it is amazing how beautiful we were when we were young but it's not until you get old that you really appreciate beauty. I have been following you for a couple of months now and I love when your new videos come out. You are so beautiful, so sweet,articulate polite and you dress cool too. Anyway keep taking they photos because I'm sure the day will come when you can look at them and see how amazing you were when you were young.
Marc Hilton
The thing with being mentally ill, is that your brain lies to you. You need to learn how to ignore the bad things it tells you and focus on the good. I suffer with ADHD and anxiety, its taken me a long time to ignore my brain when it tells me something bad! You're an attractive young lady, with great dress sense and any young guy would be lucky to have you.
Scotty Keister
that dress is really cute on you. You look adorable and beautiful. I don't see a dead fish at all, but I'm pretty sure what I see in my own mirror is not what everyone else sees, and even that changes day by day. I just kind of learned to accept it eventually. Maybe this is why I'm so attracted to doing theater, because I always get to look different, and myself and the audience who are looking at me can both agree on what that character looks like and who it is. My own perception of MYSELF is not longer at issue. Maybe you get a similar feeling from doing your videos. Anyway, love the dress, I hope you keep it and wear it on a date now and then. Bye.
Kenny
Well, at least the smelly fish did not affect your taste in pretty dresses, it's adorable. And btw, the animation is great, I especially love the perspective. I think the most important part of your story is the first three words, "I need help." That is the key to the door to recovery. Now, to find the damn door! There may be help at hand for your consideration - check my DM's please.
Brian Anderson
Body dysmorphia is very common, and we're all very susceptible to negativity bias. In fact, I'm convinced that people with powerful minds struggle with perspective much more than those that don't. Which is an unfortunate and complicated paradox. There's a great quote: "High intelligence is like a four-wheel drive. Sounds great, but it usually just gets you lost in more remote places." Perspective is elusive. Chasing perspective is like chasing the White Rabbit. The more you chase it, the deeper you go down the rabbit hole (pun intended, by the way). The truth is: you ARE the flowers. You're not the dead fish. And, unfortunately, there are a lot of ACTUAL dead fishes on the internet that are absolutely riddled with jealousy over the beautiful flowers. They like nothing more than to find flowers and tear them down. That's just the way it's always been. Even long before the internet. And you're a perfect target, because you've already done most of the work for them. Negativity bias is rooted in the "erring on the side of caution" part of your brain. If you can't be convinced about what the true perspective is, anything positive is just going to seem like wishful thinking... which makes the negative perspectives seem more realistic. Right? ... WRONG! The key is: Stop chasing the rabbit. Eventually it'll just walk right up to you like that cat in your graveyard. :)
Kris Donai
You are not insane for thinking that, I have major doubts about how I look. I hate how I look and think the worst, yet I get told the opposite. A butterfly never sees how truly beautiful it is. I know that it is hard to believe what others say, but it is what the world sees. You look incredibly beautiful in that dress, and knowing you don't see it is heartbreaking. But it is not your fault, Years of torment can do horrible things to the mind. I hope that one day you will be able to look at yourself and see how beautiful you are, not only in body but as a person.
Ian
You are very lovely
Karl Snitchler
I am so sorry you see yourself that way. But everyone else is correct and you are beautiful. Keep trying and moving forward. ❤️
