Alice Winterhold
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I have returned
🕑 Added 2024-10-22 12:53:04 +0000 UTCI am sorry for my absence once again... again. As you know, I moved house with TechBoy and it’s going well so far, he dotes on me and it’s lovely, I feel loved. In fact, I don’t think it would have been possible for me to move house if not for him, even with his help and constant presence I have predictably melted into a puddle of insanity.
The evening after all my stuff got moved I had a bit of a moment. I’d been hiding in a secure location while TechBoy handled all the work but when I arrived at the new house and found all my stuff still in boxes piled up in an unfamiliar room the sense of upheaval hit me hard and I vanished from my own head.
In the morning, Techboy told me that I had snuck out and walked miles in the pitch dark and rain to my old house. I then stood there at the front door with no key until he noticed I was missing and called me. I have no memory of this at all… well I remembered and relayed some details a few nights later during another meltdown which I also don’t remember; apparently while I walked the aura borealis lit up the sky red and I could see my way for a while, sounds made up to me but it could be true? Who knows, I’m trying not to think about the implication of remembering things I did during meltdowns only while having meltdown, like some kind of split personality with separate memories, yeah, no thank-you to that.
Anyway, my point is that the move hit my mental state quite hard to say the least. I did the healthy thing though and tried to give myself a break, get accustomed to the new place, allow myself to find safety here and let my head settle rather than force myself to make things. Techboy has done a lot of unpacking and decorating and building stuff and that’s all getting mostly finished now, I’m starting to feel better so I have returned.
In fact, and I am very hesitant to say this as I’ve not felt it in a long time but, I feel kinda hopeful.
I talk about it a lot less than the agoraphobia ( incidentally, I just realised that I have not been outside since my breakdown nighttime stroll a couple of weeks ago… huh), but I’ve had slowly worsening chronic fatigue the last year and a half. It got to the point at the start of summer where I couldn’t really exercise at all without having to spend the next two days in bed with narcolepsy. This sucks as I like exercise, it’s one of the few things I could do to feel better about myself and it was slowly taken from me, it made me very very depressed to be so useless. I felt like a useless blob of flesh. Well, on Sunday I started some new meds and it’s just, gone? I don’t have the fatigue anymore. Sure, I have insomnia and I have lost all sex drive and I have started twitching like an insane cartoon character but I can move and the brain fog is gone so I count that as a massive net positive for the time being! I feel like I can do things again! It’s only been a day of it really so I don’t want to get to excited over it, easy come easy go as they say, but even a day of feeling like this is a treasure to me. I hope I stay feeling like this so I can start producing more stuff like I used to. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Lastly, I want to thank all of you so much. I don’t say it often enough, I realise, but you guys all changed my life. Individually, each and every one of you, thank-you from the bottom of my heart, your support and you being here or just watching my videos or reading my threads, that has helped me so much and I don’t know where I would be right now without your care. I’m getting a bit emotional writing this honestly. It’s overwhelming and honestly uncomfortable to think about how you come here just for me, I don’t think I deserve to be this loved, but I will make myself acknowledge it more often because it is the least I can do to thank you and keep making stuff to entertain you.
I love you all so much, Thank-you! Now, I better get to work!!
Comments
Ruud Berg van den
Welcome back Alice. Moving can be so intense. Hooefully you guys settle down. Give it time. You’re having each other and feeling loved is a great good. You are also loved here!
Toni Scandella
ahhh look after yourself, Alice
Nat the Cat
Keep telling yourself you are getting better. Keeping pushing forward against the negativity & the fatigue. You are loved. We all care about you.
Brian Anderson
Did you take Ambien the night of your mystery voyage?
xWARnPEACEx
glad you are feeling hopeful again. Enjoy it
Merrill Guice
Even if the drive is gone, make it a point to take care of tech boy. He’s a keeper
Scotty Keister
I'm not crying, you're crying. Getting the right combination of meds is a pain, lots of trial and error. I went through that for years to battle anxiety and depression. Finally got it right (even thought it did completely dissolve my sex drive), and the good news is that when I finally stopped taking them I never had to again. My body chemistry had apparently completely balanced itself. And I've never had to go back. I don't know how common that is, but it really worked for me. I can't remember if you're seeing a therapist or not, but If you can find someone you really click with, that would be a huge boon for you, I think. And you can do that online these days. You're progress lifts my day, Alice. When one of my favorite human beans is feeling better, it makes me feel better. Bravo!!
John Adams
Don't break tech boy, take care of each other.
Dlandis
Moving sucks, it's only been a year since I relocated. Enjoy the new home, even if it takes a while to feel that way.
John Barkey
You deserve all that love and more Alice. Patiently looking forward to new content, when you're ready to make it. 😉
Samwise
Noone really deserves love from someone else. That someone can only choose to give it freely. We see a need for love and we choose to fill that need, one little message at a time. Welcome Home!
Adrian Whittaker
Welcome back ❤️
Kathryn Reading
Have missed your adorableness. So glad you're negotiating your way through this transition. Shared hope between us all is precious xx
Steven Davis
Take your time. We will be here.
Orlando Ojeda
🤞🏽🙂🤞🏽
ALFRED STUDWELL
You do deserve our attention. You make very lovely videos. I hope the area where you moved to has as quaint and serene places to walk.
SoCal Jim
I love that not only Techboy is giving you the love and attention you deserve, but that you are also slowly healing. Take your time. We will be here when you want to come back.
ALFRED STUDWELL
Fingers crossed
