DarkMatter2525
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When Murder Isn't Murder
🕑 Added 2019-04-08 16:47:02 +0000 UTC
*courtroom setting*
Prosecutor - Mr. Jones, what did you make for dinner for your children on the night of the 7th?
Jones - Fish sticks.
Prosecutor - Fish. Sticks. Did your youngest son, Jonny, want to eat fish sticks?
Jones - No he did not.
Prosecutor - What did he want?
Jones - Chicken.
Prosecutor - And did that upset you?
Jones - Hell yeah it upset me. I went through all that trouble to nuke him some fish sticks, and the little ingrate complained. Spoiled brat begged for chicken.
Prosecutor - So you gave him chicken, didn’t you?
Jones - Yes I did.
Prosecutor - In fact you forced him to eat ten whole chickens that you left sitting out until they were absolutely riddled with salmonella, didn’t you?
Jones - You’re damn right I did!
Prosecutor - And he died a painful death as a direct result, didn’t he?!
Jones - Just as I intended, and I’d do it again! His brothers and sisters needed to be taught a lesson. That little ungrateful brat SAW all the trouble I went through, pushing buttons on the microwave and whatnot, and he didn’t even appreciate it, so yeah, I made him suffer a painful death. So what?
Prosecutor - Premeditated murder. No further questions, Your Honor.
*Defense approaches the stand*
Defense - Well, well, well, looks like we got us here an open and shut case don’t we?
Jones - No we do not.
Defense - Because the Prosecution took just about everything out of context, didn’t he?
Jones - Yes, sir, he did.
Defense - Mr. Jones, what monument stands just outside this courtroom?
Jones - The 10 Commandments, sir.
Defense - That’s right. And what book did you place your hand upon and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god in this here courtroom?
Jones - The Holy Bible, sir.
Defense - Correct again. Would that be this book, Mr. Jones? *holds up bible*
Prosecutor - Objection, Your Honor. Relevance?
Judge - *slams gavel* Outrageous! The Holy Bible is always relevant in my courtroom, Prosecutor. Another outburst like that and I’ll hold you in contempt of court.
Defense - Thank you, Your Honor. Mr. Jones, please read aloud the book of Numbers, chapter eleven, starting at verse four.
Jones - The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites starting wailing and said, "If only we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost - also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!"
Defense - God kept them alive in the desert for forty years by ever so graciously raining down manna from heaven for them to eat, isn’t that right?
Jones - Yes, sir. They baked manna into magical bread like that Elvish food them Hobbits done ate on their way to that volcano to destroy the demon jewelry.
Defense - But magic bread from heaven for 40 years wasn’t good enough, was it? They started to crave meat, so what did the Lord say starting at verse 18?
Jones - Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month - until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it.
Defense - So the Lord, who is morally perfect, decided to give them exactly what they wanted to eat, no different than if they had ordered food from a hot little honeycakes on skates wearing booty shorts at a Sonic, just as you did for your ungrateful child, isn’t that right, Mr. Jones?
Jones - Yes, sir, it surely is.
Defense - What happened next, starting at verse 31?
Jones - Now a wind went out from the Lord and drove quail in from the sea. It scattered them up to three feet deep all around the camp, as far as a day's walk in any direction…
Defense - *grunt* Buried in birds.
Jones - ...all that day and night and the next day the people went out and gathered quail. No one gathered less than around 1.6 metric tons...
Judge - That there’s a lot of KFC.
Jones - ...But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the Lord burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. There they buried the people who had craved other food.
Defense - So you merely did the exact same thing that the perfectly good source of morality did, and fed your child poisoned meat so that he could die a painful death that would teach a lesson to others about gratitude and rejection, isn’t that right?
Jones - That surely is correct, sir.
Prosecutor - Objection! Your Honor, we’re talking about ancient people who probably ate a bunch of bad meat and then blamed it on God punishing them.
Judge - Bailiffs.
*Bailiffs drop down and beat the shit out of the prosecutor*
Defense - Now if God’s laws are good enough to put on the lawn of this courthouse, and God’s book is good enough to swear upon in this courtroom, then surely God’s solutions, found within that very same book, are more than acceptable to this jury. Who are we to question the morally perfect creator of the universe, who this dear sweet innocent man was merely emulating by poisoning his child to death for wanting something else for dinner? Your Honor...I rest my case.
*applause*
Judge - Very good, we’ll break for closing arguments and then the jury can deliberate for the rest of the…
Juror - No need to deliberate, Your Honor. Everyone here already agrees that it was right to poison little Jonny to death. We the jury find the defendant...not guilty.
*music swells, everyone in the courtroom stands and cheers*
Judge - Very good, very good!
*Beaten prosecutor stares blankly with exasperation*
