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Chapter 3: The Pervy Sage's Protocol
🕑 Added 2025-10-23 21:09:46 +0000 UTCNaruto was left alone in the water.
The silence was instantaneous. And a thousand times worse than the screams. Sakura was gone. Hinata had fled.
His first thought wasn't about them.
"Tami-san!"
Panic hit him. "The old lady! The old lady patrol! If she finds me here, she'll skin me alive! She'll use those senbon needles!"
He moved to jump out of the water.
And he stopped.
"Oh, no!"
The... problem. The... "biological reaction."
It hadn't gone away.
"No! Not now! Go down! That's an order! Go down!"
He crossed his arms under the water, as if that could hide anything.
"Dammit! This is the worst! I'm trapped!"
He sank back down to his nose, his eyes darting around frantically.
He heard footsteps outside the private area.
"Hmm? I could've sworn I heard Sakura-chan. And a scream?"
It was Tami-san!
Naruto sank completely underwater, holding his breath. A few treacherous bubbles rose to the surface.
"Who's there?" the old woman's voice was sharp. "Is that pervy cat here again? If I catch you, I'll turn you into a shamisen!"
Naruto stayed motionless at the bottom.
Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't think about Hinata. Don't think about mochi! Think about... think about... ramen! No, ramen got me here. Think about Kakashi-sensei! His boring face! Yes! Boredom!
He heard Tami-san huff. "Bah. Nothing. Just the steam. And it smells like noodles. Those academy brats... no respect."
The footsteps faded.
Naruto surfaced, gasping.
"That was close..."
He checked the situation.
"Now? Please? Can we... go back to normal?"
A quick check under the water.
"Still not gone! Damn teenage biology! It's the worst!"
He was about to sink again when he heard another voice, this time closer, in the main hallway.
"This is a disaster! Tsunade-sama is going to kill me! I'm going to be late with these reports! Why do I have to pick up the towels myself?"
Naruto froze.
"Shizune-san?!"
The panic went from "being skinned" to "instant death." If Shizune found him, Tsunade would know in less than thirty seconds. And she really knew how to throw a punch.
He slid toward the farthest corner, trying to blend in with the rocks.
Shizune walked past the entrance to the private garden, not looking inside. She was holding a stack of papers.
She was gone.
Naruto waited ten whole seconds.
"Okay. She's gone. I'm alone."
He did one last, desperate check.
"Now? Please? ... Finally! Freedom!"
He leaped from the water, grabbing his divine scroll. Jiraiya's scroll was damp and sticky.
"Gross."
He scaled the wall in a second and landed in the dark alley.
He was free.
And then he remembered.
"Shit, Hinata!"
The panic for his own safety was replaced by a completely new kind of panic.
"What if she fainted in the middle of the street?! Someone will find her! Or worse, she'll tell her father!"
The image of Hiashi Hyuga, Byakugan activated and a murderous expression, filled his mind.
"Hiashi will murder me! He'll gouge my eyes out! Literally! And then he'll do... Hyuga stuff to me! With the sixty-four chakra points!"
Naruto shot out of the alley.
"Gotta find her! Gotta find her!"
He ran through the back streets, avoiding patrols. His wet sandals slapped loudly on the stone.
He rounded a corner at full speed and crashed head-on into something big and furry.
"WOOF!"
"Hey! Watch where you're going, idiot!"
Naruto fell on his back. "Ouch!"
"Naruto?"
Naruto looked up. Kiba was staring at him suspiciously, while Akamaru shook himself off.
"Kiba! Akamaru! I don't have time!"
He tried to get up, but Kiba held him down.
"Hold on a minute! What the hell? Why are you soaking wet? And why...?" Kiba sniffed the air. Akamaru whined. "Akamaru says you smell... weird."
"Weird how?" Naruto asked, nervous.
Kiba leaned in. "You smell like... girl soap?"
"It's not what you think!" Naruto yelled, jumping to his feet. "I was... training at the waterfall! Yeah! The waterfall! And I ate a bowl of ramen! And... the soap fell in the ramen! And the panic is from the training! It was really hard! Bye!"
He ran off before Kiba could process the lie.
"The soap... fell... in the ramen?" Kiba looked at Akamaru. "That guy gets weirder every day. C'mon, Akamaru. Let's go get some jerky."
Naruto kept running, his paranoia growing.
"Gotta find her! Gotta find her!"
He checked the main street. Nothing.
He checked the path to the Hyuga compound. Empty.
"Where'd she go? She can't have just dematerialized! Hinata! Please don't tell your dad!"
He ducked into a narrow alley between a tea shop and an old weapon store, using it as a shortcut.
It was dark. And quiet.
Almost.
He heard a sound.
A small, tiny... sob.
Naruto stopped dead.
"Hello?"
He heard a sharp gasp.
He squinted into the darkness. He saw a figure. A small silhouette, huddled against the back wall, between some trash cans.
She was shaking.
"...Hinata?"
Naruto approached slowly, cautiously, not wanting to scare her.
"Hinata? Are you... okay? You didn't... die... or something, did you?"
The figure flinched violently. "Eep!"
She pressed herself further against the wall, hiding her face in her knees.
"G-go away!"
Her voice was muffled.
"Stay away... p-pervert!"
The word hit Naruto.
"Hey! I'm not a pervert!"
"You were... you were... watching!" The accusation came out between sobs.
"No! Well, yeah! I was watching! But not like you think!"
"H-how... are you supposed... to watch... like that!?"
"It was... reconnaissance!" Naruto yelled, desperate to find the right word.
"R-reconnaissance...?" Hinata lifted her head. Her face was red and swollen, stained with tears.
"Yeah! Tactical! I was... assessing! The security perimeter!"
"The... perimeter...?"
"And... and the... the...!" He stopped. He couldn't say it. "You were spying on me!" she shouted, with a fresh wave of tears.
"No! I was training!" Naruto was running out of excuses. "I swear! It's part of the Pervy Sage's training! It was in his scroll!"
That was the wrong thing to say.
The worst possible thing.
Hinata stopped crying. She went still. Her eyes, wide and watery, fixed on him with pure horror.
"The... scroll... of the... Pervy... Sage?"
"Yeah! Wait, no!" Naruto waved his hands. "It sounds bad! It's not a pervy scroll! Well, a little! But it's... it's for research! Infiltration! To get stronger!"
Hinata's face twitched. "Getting... stronger... by spying... in the bathhouse...?"
"Exactly! No, wait! The tree broke! It was an accident! I swear! I didn't know you were there! And then you fainted! I thought you were drowning!"
Hinata took a deep, shaky breath.
"And... you... you... touched me!"
Naruto froze. The CPR lie returned to his lips. "That was...!"
"Don't say it!"
"Reflex!"
"It wasn't a reflex!"
"CPR! It was a CPR reflex!"
"THAT'S NOT CPR!"
Naruto recoiled, shocked by the volume of her voice. He'd never heard her yell like that.
"CPR is... is on the chest! In the middle! With both hands!" she stammered, furious. "And... and... it's... pressing! For the heart! Not... not...!"
She turned so red Naruto was afraid she'd catch fire.
"Not... 'Groping'!"
Naruto was speechless. He was defeated.
He scratched the back of his neck. "Okay. You're right. It's not CPR."
"..."
"Look. I'm sorry. Okay?" His voice softened. "I'm really sorry! I don't know what I was doing! It was... it was...!"
Hinata looked at him. "...Tactical... curiosity?"
She used his own words against him.
"Yeah! That!" Naruto sighed. "I'm sorry."
Hinata said nothing. She just lowered her head and started sobbing again, this time silently, her body shaking.
That was worse than the yelling.
"No! Hey! Don't cry!" The panic returned. "Please don't cry! If you cry, someone will come! Tami-san will come and kill me! Or Kiba will come back! Or your father!"
At the mention of her father, Hinata's sob turned into a whimper of terror. "My... my father..."
"No, no! Don't think about your father! Bad idea! Bad, bad idea! Look! Come on! Get up!"
"W-what?"
"I'll walk you home!"
Hinata shrank back. "No... I don't want... you to see me... I don't want anyone..."
"I'm not going to see you! Well, I am going to see you, but... I'm going to walk with you! To make sure... you don't faint again! Here, in an alley! That would be bad! Really bad! The rats might come!"
Hinata looked around, scared.
"Come on! It's dangerous here! Besides, I'm cold! And wet! Please, Hinata! I just want to make sure you get home okay!"
She looked at him. He was standing there, dripping, hair plastered to his face, looking completely pathetic. And... worried.
Slowly, she stood up, using the wall for support. She hugged herself tightly.
"J-just... walk... in front of me."
"No! Behind! Or... next to me! Yeah, next to me!" he said, moving closer. "That way I can catch you if you fall! Catching reflex! That one definitely exists! I swear!"
Hinata said nothing. She just nodded, an almost imperceptible movement.
They started walking.
They left the alley and moved into the back streets of Konoha. The moon was high, but the shadows were deep.
The silence was terrible.
It was so awkward Naruto felt like his skin was crawling. The only sounds were the slap of his wet sandals and the shaky sound of Hinata's breathing.
I have to say something.
"So... back streets. Good idea. Smart."
Hinata nodded, not looking at him.
"Less... people. No one... sees us. Which is good. Because... well, because."
She hugged herself tighter.
"Bad conversation! Sorry!" Naruto ran a hand through his wet hair. "Uh... Heard the weather report? They say... it's gonna rain? 'Cause I'm already wet. So I wouldn't mind."
"N-no."
The word was so soft the wind almost carried it away.
"You spoke! Great! We're making progress! The silence was getting weird!"
Hinata stopped dead.
Naruto almost ran into her. "Hey! What's wrong? You gonna faint? I'll catch you! Reflex ready!"
She looked at him, her lavender eyes shining in the moonlight. "P-please... Naruto-kun... just stop... talking."
"Oh! Right! Quiet! I can do quiet! I'm a ninja. Quiet is my middle name. Naruto 'Quiet' Uzumaki."
They stood there.
They kept walking.
In silence.
A whole minute passed. A minute of slapping sandals and shaking.
Naruto exploded.
"This is horrible! The silence is worse! I can hear you shaking! Or is that me shaking? Dammit, we're both shaking!"
"Naruto-kun..."
"I have to fix this! I can't just leave you like this! I can't go home knowing... well, that this whole mess happened! Hiashi will kill me! And... and you'll feel bad! And I already feel terrible! I'm an idiot!"
"Y-yes."
Naruto stopped. "Huh? Hey! You're supposed to say 'No, Naruto-kun, you're not'!"
Hinata looked at him. "B-but you are."
"Right in the pride! Ouch! Okay. You're right. I'm an idiot. But even an idiot can fix things!"
They stopped again, in a patch of darkness between two streetlights.
"Wait!" Naruto's eyes lit up. "I've got it!"
"W-what?"
"The scroll!"
Hinata recoiled. "NO!"
"YES! The Pervy Sage got me into this! He'll get me out of it! He must have a 'what to do if you get caught' guide! He's a super spy! This must happen to him all the time!"
"Naruto-kun, put it away! Someone will see us! It's... it's embarrassing!"
"No one sees us! Relax!" Naruto pulled the scroll off his back. It was damp and the pages were stuck together. "Dammit! It's wet! Like my clothes!"
He pulled at it, and it unrolled with a tearing sound.
"Let's see... let's see..." he muttered, squinting at the runny ink. "'Chapter 4: The Art of the Excuse'... no, tried that. 'Chapter 5: Quick Escape Jutsu'... tempting. 'Chapter 6: How to Blame Your Summoning Partner'..."
"Just... just let's go home, please!" Hinata pleaded.
"No! Wait, I'll find it! 'Bribes'... 'Blackmail'... 'Faking One's Own Death'... no, that's too drastic! ... HERE! Appendix B! 'Failure and De-escalation Protocols: When the Kunoichi Attacks'."
"I-I didn't... I didn't attack..."
"It's just an expression! Be quiet, I'm reading!" He leaned closer. "Okay... 'In the event the operative... is discovered... by the target... in a... compromising... situation...'"
Hinata went absolutely still.
"Okay, this is it. 'Compromising Situation Level 3: Visual Discovery (Long Distance)'... no. 'Level 4: Visual Discovery (Short Distance) and Auditory Panic'... that's closer."
Naruto kept running his finger down the page.
"Oh. Here. 'Situation Level 5: Physical Contact'."
Hinata let out a small, sharp squeak.
"Sub-section... 'Accidental Physical Contact (Ex. Falling)'... yeah, that's... And... 'Intentional Physical Contact (Tactical Investigation)'... Bingo!"
"Tactical... Investigation...?!" Hinata's voice was pure horror. There was a name for it.
"Quiet! The scroll says... 'If the ninja has defiled... the lady's honor... by witnessing her nudity... and...'"
Naruto's voice trailed off. His eyes went wide. The blood drained from his face.
"...And... what...?" Hinata whispered.
Naruto swallowed. The street suddenly felt very cold.
He read the next line in a choked whisper.
"And... 'initiated unsolicited physical contact in... intimate... areas'..."
Silence.
Absolute silence, broken only by a distant frog.
Naruto stared at the scroll. "Wow. The old man... really had a name for everything."
"Okay," Naruto said, his voice sounding strange. "It says here... 'Solution Protocol for Level 5-Tactical'."
Hinata wasn't breathing.
"Option One: 'Amnesia via Striking'."
Hinata flinched.
"It says: 'A precise blow can erase the last five minutes. Note: 40% risk of death. Not recommended for amateurs'."
"Eep!"
"No, no!" Naruto said quickly. "Bad idea! Awful idea! I'm not going to hit you! Ever!"
Hinata nodded, trembling.
"Option Two: 'Financial Bribe'." Naruto read. "'Offer a sum... wow!... that's a huge sum of Ryo!... to purchase the lady's silence and discretion'."
Naruto reached into his pocket. He pulled out his green frog wallet.
He opened it.
A single moth flew out.
"I have... a half-off ramen coupon. Expired? Yep, expired last month. Option two is out."
"Naruto-kun," Hinata whispered, "please... just... burn... that... scroll."
"No! It's the Pervy Sage's inheritance! Wait! 'Option Three: The Coward's Solution'. 'Blame a teammate... Hey, Kiba's a good idea!... and flee the village'."
"K-Kiba-kun?"
"I'm just reading! I'm not gonna do it! Although Kiba and Akamaru sniffing around did get me in trouble...!"
"Naruto-kun..."
"Okay, okay! Here's one more... 'The Honor Protocol'. This one sounds important."
He read aloud, his voice shaking a little.
"'In the event the lady belongs to a noble clan... Hey, that's you, Hinata!... and the ninja is... well, me... and honor has been compromised as described in Level 5-Tactical... the only solution... the only one... to prevent scandal, clan conflict... and/or...'"
Naruto stopped reading.
His blood ran cold.
"And/or... what?" Hinata asked.
"And/or... 'the ninja's ritual execution'..."
"E-execution...?"
"It says ritual execution! Hiashi! I knew it! He's going to kill me!"
"What... what is the... solution...?" Hinata's voice was barely a thread of air.
Naruto looked at the scroll. He looked at Hinata. He looked at the sky. He looked at the scroll again.
"The... the... only... honorable... solution... is..."
He couldn't say it.
"What!?"
Naruto swallowed and read the last word in a high-pitched squeak.
"...'Marriage'."
...
...
...
A cricket chirped somewhere.
Naruto stared at the scroll. "Marriage."
Hinata stared at him. Her lips moved, but no sound came out.
"M-m-m...?"
"Marriage!" Naruto repeated, his voice cracking. "It says! Get married! You and me!"
Hinata's face went from pale red to chalk white.
"IT'S WHAT THE SCROLL SAYS!" Naruto yelled, panicking and shaking the scroll. "NOT ME! IT'S CRAZY! OBVIOUSLY! THE OLD MAN WAS NUTS! I'M NOT... I'M NOT ASKING YOU...!"
"Marri... age..."
"It's a stupid suggestion! We're not gonna...!"
Hinata's eyes rolled back.
She crumpled forward.
"SHIT!"
Naruto dropped the scroll on pure instinct and caught her, exactly like in the onsen.
"HINATA! NOT AGAIN! WAKE UP!"
He shook her gently. Her head lolled.
"Come on! This isn't funny! It's the second time today! Wake up!"
He was alone. In a dark alley. Holding an unconscious Hinata for the second time in less than half an hour.
Jiraiya's damn scroll lay open on the cobblestones. The moonlight illuminated a single word.
Marriage.
Naruto looked at the unconscious girl in his arms. He looked at the scroll. He looked at the night sky.
He took a deep, ragged breath.
"JIRAIYA!"
"YOU OLD IDIOT!"
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WHEN I ACTUALLY NEED YOU?!"
